Application for Maxim (Girl Genius)

[nize-hat.livejournal.com]

((Maxim has a very thick Eastern European derived accent- I apologize if it gets confusing. Maxim is a 'Jägermonster' - they doesn't really have any special 'powers' persay, but have superhuman strength and resiliency as well as highly enhanced senses of smell (and hearing in Maxim's case). His right arm is mechanical, but, doesn't appear to be 'special', merely a functional replacement (unless something's yet to be revealed in his canon).))

"Vell now, dis iz confuzink. . . Oggie? Dimo? Vere are hyus?"

What appeared on a glance to be a quite attractive young man appeared in the Sorting Room, looking very perplexed- that he had purple skin and pointed ears were immediate evidence that he was something other than human. Aside from the bluish scales and silver spikes on the single pauldron he wore, he was perfectly coordinated in purple and red, with gold accents. He adjusted the jaunty wide-brimmed hat atop his long purple hair, attempting to figure out where he was. Moments before, he'd been in audience with the Jägergenerals, and now, he was. . . somewhere castle-y.

"Am hy in de kestle, mebbe? Hullo, Miz Agatha? Are hyu here?" Maxim, the newest arrival at Hogwarts, could only think of one nearby castle, which did happen to contain a good-enough explanation as to why he might suddenly appear there. Where sparks were concerned, anything might happen. But, it didn't take more than a few seconds for Maxim to notice the utter lack of gears, clanks, the previously mentioned individuals, and, anything remotely sparky. "Dis is kind ov fonny. . ." he mumbled to no one in particular, as the realization that he was Somewhere Else began to set in. Sudden transportation to Somewhere Else was pretty odd, but, odd was a matter of course when dealing with mad science- and Maxim was not only used to mad science, he was a product of it.

Jägermonsters were not known for their brains, and this is what Maxim was. Jägermonsters were made for fighting, and to enjoy it! Thus, Maxim's first response was to try all the doors, and when they failed, he attempted to exit by brute force, throwing himself against the magically unyielding barriers with snarls of enthusiasm. Most people would have quickly realized the futility of this, but, Maxim continued to launch himself at doors until there could be no questions about his situation. Even incredibly stupid ones. After at least fifteen minutes of futile door-breaking efforts, Maxim finally took a break, during which the quill floated up and began to pointedly stab at the application. "Vritink? Vy has dere gots to be vritink? Hy's better at fightink."

State your name.

Maxim grabbed hold of the quill with an artificial hand of some black metal, adorned with red, gripping it clumsily as he scrawled out "M-a-x-i-m", slowly stating his name as he attempted to spell it out. The quill seemed to resist his efforts, eventually yanking itself out of his hand to re-scribe his efforts in a much swifter and neater handwriting. "Ho! Hyu write for me! Iz goot." Given the sparky-stuff Jägers were used to, a self-scribing quill was nothing shocking, and far better than writing. Jägers were meant to wield weapons, not pens.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

A game of disembodied questions was definitely a bit funny, but, Maxim didn't mind answering- especially since he had a good answer to this one. Or, what he considered a good answer.

"Vot's my favorite cheeze? Dat's the cheeze vot came mit dis nize hat!" Maxim tilted his hat with his left hand (this one of flesh, and wickedly clawed) so that it once more sat upon his head in an appropriately jaunty fashion. "Iz a bit ov a long story, but iz a goot vun. It started vay back in de day, ven de old Heterodynes vere still around. . ." The quill, seemingly satisfied and realizing that Maxim was about to launch into a story for which there was not enough space on the page and which would prove a bit of a spoiler, stabbed at the next question.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Although Maxim was a bit disappointed that the quill didn't want to scribe his 'goot story', this next question wasn't too bad either. "Dun't know either ov dem! Do either ov dem gots a nize hat? Nizer den dis vun?" The quill merely stabbed at the paper, insisting upon an answer, not a question. "Vell, hy suppoze vatever vun I meet first! Hy always like a goot fight! Dey can fight, yez? I dun't care about dem if dey can't, iz no fun dat vay." Maxim's mouth spread far too wide as he grinned, literally ear-to-ear, revealing all of his extremely sharp teeth. To keep him moving along, the quill pointed at the next question.

3. What time is it where you are?

"Vy dun't hyu tell me? Or iz dere a clock?" There weren't any windows that Maxim could see, and, he wasn't about to waste effort on thinking. "Mebbe de evenink? Iz just a guess." Seemingly satisfied enough, the quill moved him along to the next question.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

This was a kind of hard question. Not only was it rather long and convoluted, Maxim had no idea what an Albus Dumbledore, a Sirius Black, or an Order of the Phoenix were. About the only part that made sense was 'sexually harass', and so Maxim chose to answer based off what he knew. "Hy luff de gorls! If hyu vant to show dese Order ov de Phoenix gorls to me, I kin tell hyu vat vuns hy like? Or does 'all ov dem' vork?" It was a good enough answer for the quill, as, it prodded at the next question.

5. If you are pushing to be in-
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"Do dese ever end? Hy iz gettink tired of dese questions." Maxim thought pretty hard- 'clever and witty' was not really Jäger territory, even if Maxim was capable of being pretty clever for a Jäger. Clever for a Jäger was only clever by relative standards. "De. . . Nize Hat?" he proposed after a moment. "Ve vould have de shows mit Jägergorls, like at Mamma Gkika's."

B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

The first half of the question was perplexing enough to think about, as, Maxim didn't know Harry, Fred, or George, and, the second half only made it worse. Asking a Jägermonster to bolster an arguement with examples from world mythology was like asking one to do calculus. "Hokay. . . Hy dun't know. He should. . .stay single? Iz most fun dat vay. Dese qvestions are veird, even for sparky schtuff. Dis is some sort ov sparky schtuff, yah?"

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

This one was more up a Jäger's alley. "Becauze hyu got de stupid desk job. Hyu should get de real goot job, like fightink! Den you dun't have to do de papervork. Or hyu need more minions? Dey alvays did de papervork for de Heterodynes."

D. Hufflepuff- Prove you are not useless.

"Hy can fight! Dat's not useless. I'll fight anyvun hyu send!" Another overly-toothy smile appeared on the Jäger's features, as he looked about expectantly, as if expecting someone to fight right then and there. When they didn't appear, and the quill started stabbing at the paper again, he sighed. "Mebbe later?"

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

Offering his recently-obtained hat as a bribe was simply unthinkable, and although he didn't technically need it, Maxim didn't feel well offering his sword. Aside from these things and his clothes, he didn't have much of anything to offer. Nor did he feel alright complying with a bribe- unless he could get some enjoyment out of it. "Hy already said hy vould fight anyvun hyu vants. And dat's a goot show!" There didn't appear to be any more questions, thankfully, and so Maxim waited for something to happen. . .


"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Maxim
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Maxim
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. Maxim
One day, marmalade hats Heterodynes will rule the world. Maxim

Comments

[vislor-turlough.livejournal.com]

"What is it with you and hats?"

[nize-hat.livejournal.com]

((Permission was granted for Maxim to boggle over Turlough's short-shorts =D ))

Maxim gave Turlough a once over and a quizzical look- he was really rather oddly dressed- Maxim was not really familiar with short-shorts as a fashion statement. "Vot iz it mit hyu und not vearink pants? Und vere iz dis? It iz not lookink much like Mechanicsburg. . . I dun't tink hy's suppozed to be here. Und am I suppozed to fight hyu?" Turlough didn't look like much of an opponent- being practically nekked and all. At least from the waist down.

[vislor-turlough.livejournal.com]

"I'll have you know it's spring, and there's a particularly hot spot that my pet likes to hang out in, and if you fight me I will hex you against that wall."

[nize-hat.livejournal.com]

"Vell, iz up to hyu if hyu dun't vant to vear pants or fight, iz no matter. Dat fonny qvill vanted me to fight somebody hy tink, dunno. Vat do hyu mean, 'hex'? Dat sounds like magic." Maxim came from a world of mad science- which wasn't so far off from magic. But, he was nevertheless dubious of this claim, especially since he thought he was still somewhere in his own world.

[iam-beowulf.livejournal.com]

Lo, the stuff of bafflement did dizzy a noble Geat. 'Twas monster and warrior in one and the same personage, bedecked in headgear befitting a Hogwarts prefect.

What Beowulf wanted to say was something along the lines of what the Hel are you; what came out was "I AM BEOWULF! I'M HERE TO KILL YOUR MONSTER!"

[nize-hat.livejournal.com]

Maxim's hearing was such that he could have discerned the contents of a whisper from the across the room. He winced slightly as Beowulf's unexpected bellow pounded against his eardrums. He spun swiftly towards its source. Why, it could only be some sort of Othar Trygvassen-esque adventurer! This must be who he was supposed to fight! The Geat's usual amount of exposed skin suggested that this was not necessarily a 'Gentleman' Adventurer, like the aforementioned Othar, but this wasn't a detail of any import. What mattered was that here was something that Maxim understood! And this time, he wasn't going to let the adventurer-type talk him into playing hangman. . .

"I AM MAXIM!" he shouted back, although not quite so loudly. "I'M HYUR MONSTER! Hyu can try to kill me- if hyu can!" With no further adieu, a huge, toothy smile, and an enthusiastic "GRRRAH!", Maxim launched himself at the Geat, not even bothering with drawing his sword- Jägers tended to a hands-on approach, when possible. . .

[iam-beowulf.livejournal.com]

Beowulf's brawn and Maxim's speed made them very different sorts of fighters, but they shared a common approach: BERSERKER.

"GRRAAAAAH," came Beowulf's roar in answer. In the ensuing grapple, Beowulf's Gryffindor scarf came unknotted from about his brow, and tangled about the horns of his prefect hat.

It was the Sorting Hat's dream match. Hatwearer on Hatwearer!

"THOU ART NO MILF," panted Beowulf between lunges. Collisions and close contact had confirmed for the Geat that Maxim lacked bosoms. This was not the kind of monster for swiving. A Grendel-type rather than a Grendel's-mother type. "WHERE IS THY MOTHER, THAT I MAY SWIVE HER?"

[igorofmalaria.livejournal.com]

What was that? Igor stepped into the room to get a better look, when the door swung shut behind him. "Gah!"

Leaning against the door, desperately casual he asked "so...you fight a lot?"
A cattle prod would be nice. Right now. "What, ah, kind of thing do you fight?"

[nize-hat.livejournal.com]

Maxim looked Igor over- hunched, pale, clad in black- quite a minion-y looking fellow. He'd met many a minion, serving the Heterodynes- hell, they had cities full of minions. Igor definitely looked like the sort who could deliver a particularly good "Yes, Master!" while pulling a large switch. Perhaps he'd have some sensible answers regarding his situation?

"Yah, Hy fight, und fight lots- dats vat de Jägermonsters are for. Ve fight vatever de Masters vant- dese days, most ov us fight for de Baron Wulfenbach. Hy'z kind ov suprised hyu dun't know dat." Most people knew about the Jägers, after all. A pause, as Maxim briefly reflected on the fact that technically, even though they'd found what they were looking for, he and his 'brothers' were still technically "wild" Jägers. But now was not the time for moping. "Hy fight vatever hy has to. Soldiers, monsters, anyting." He considered mentioning that he specifically fought whatever he had to for the sake of Miss Agatha, these days, but, he still wasn't sure where he was, or, what rival spark might have captured him. . . "Vat about hyu?"

[igorofmalaria.livejournal.com]

"Jagermonsters? The Masters? Wait, you're a monster? Some kind of super-soldier?" He grinned, forgetting to be scared for a moment as he looked up at Maxim's very sharp teeth and wondered what the bitemark pattern would look like. "Oh, yes-" but wait, it might be best to answer this guy's question first.

"I'm Igor. I've never heard of Baron Wulfenbach and I don't think he's here at Hogwarts. I used to work for a Doctor Glickenstein." Igor doubted they were from the same world, since most monsters weren't so eloquent in his own world and didn't wear such sophisticated hats, but it couldn't hurt to ask. "Have you heard of Malaria? That's my country. There are lots of people who were taken from different places and times here."

[sada-chan.livejournal.com]

Ooooh, this one might be fun. Sadako assumed her most pleasing aspect (giving off only a faint whiff of brine) and smiled demurely.


"You must be very strong."

[nize-hat.livejournal.com]

A girl! Albeit one who reeked of fish- even the faint scent of brine was extremely pungent to the Jäger's heightened sense of smell. "Yah, Hy'z strong," Maxim confirmed, and gave Sadako his most dashing smile. Even if she was the smelly minion of some unknown spark, who might or might not be a rival to his Miss Agatha, a girl was a girl, and Maxim was a flirt. "Are hyu needink a strong guy? Hy might kin help. . .but vy do hyu smell like fish? Are ve near de ocean?" Maybe she'd just been swimming. . .

[sada-chan.livejournal.com]

"I come from a fishing village," she said, feigning shyness and slight embarrassment. "It makes me feel safe when I have a strong man close."

It might be fun to play this game again.

[noseymaddie.livejournal.com]

Only because picking this aspect is amusing.

"You'd harass all the girls in the Order of the Phoenix?" Maddie asked, obviously disgusted. "What woman would want to give you the time of day?"

If it weren't for the accent, she'd call him a Yank.

[nize-hat.livejournal.com]

"Most of dem?" Maxim ventured, looking Maddie over- a bit oddly dressed perhaps, but, girls were girls, and, Maddie was definitely one of those! Maddie's disgust was of course interpreted by the Jäger as playing hard-to-get, and he gave her a toothy smile.

[noseymaddie.livejournal.com]

Hard to get? Oh, dear, this will go badly quickly, won't it?

And, that smile...oh, my...the horrors, the nightmares...

Maddie made a face of disgusts and revulsion. "What makes you think they'd want you?" she asked. Given half a prompting, she'd list his faults just off this short a meeting.

The mun half dares you.

[ra-tilt-chimera.livejournal.com]

Zelgadiss regarded Maxim curiously. His first guess was that this was some sort of beastman - probably a berserker, though he'd never seen a purple one before. The other option was some sort of chimera or combat homunculus.

Of course, then he remembered that this was Hogwarts and there was no reason Maxim had to be anything remotely like something from his world.

"All right, I'm sorry, but I have to ask - what exactly are you?"

[nize-hat.livejournal.com]

"Yah, more qvestions, not a surpize." Maxim grinned at Zelgadiss, not at all offended by the curiosity. "Seems Hy am popular today, but no vun here knows vat Hy am. Kind of fonny, dat- Hy am a Jägermonster, und most peeple know vat ve are." Zelgadiss did look rather Jägerish- there was a great deal of variety amongst the Jägers, with no one particular standard beyond toothy with wicked claws. Some were hulking brutes that barely looked human, others were nearly human in appearance beyond minor variations. But none of them had to ask what the others were. "But den, I dun't know vat hyu are eiter. A real fonny place, dis. . ."

[codex-of-good.livejournal.com]

Yeah, so this was like something straight out of the game. Outfit and all. She was pretty sure she'd seen like the shirt or something in upcoming patch notes. (And oh god she'd been here so long without access to the game that there'd probably been a whole expansion since she'd last played, and new levels, and her fingers twitched thinking about it.)

Also, there was a metal hand. This was the second (http://hogwarts-hocus.livejournal.com/1904391.html?thread=106441991#t106441991) guy with a metal hand she'd seen here. Maybe this place needed a quota of metal-hand-guys.

She was about to open with You have a metal hand, but it hadn't gone well last time she tried that, so instead she started with, "The what huh?"

[nize-hat.livejournal.com]

Perhaps he'd been kidnapped by some unknown agency, but, at least there seemed to be a decent amount of ladies at this funny castle. . .

Maxim flashed a bright smile at Codex- as seemed the case at Hogwarts, she was rather oddly dressed, and he expected she'd have some strange questions to ask him. Of course, he had questions too, and, playing questions and answers with a girl as pretty as Codex wasn't so bad.

But, when the question came, he found himself stumped. One about his metal hand would have been much easier- Maxim liked his metal hand, knowing that it looked pretty awesome. Perhaps a more intelligent individual would have recognized babbling when they heard it, but, Maxim just thought it was an extra challenging question. "De. . .vy mebbe vat for?" was his eventual and equally cryptic response.

[codex-of-good.livejournal.com]

Not only did this guy look weird, which some people did at Hogwarts and she was getting better at accepting that sort of, but he talked funny, too. Like that time a gold farmer had gotten into the Knights of Good's Vent server and berated her for ten minutes before someone else got on and chased him out. Or... kind of like that. Either way, he was hard to understand. Except not yelling at her to GO HERE AND BUY GOLD NOW, LOWEST PRICES, WE ACCEPT PAYPAL.

Gah.

"Huh who the what now?" she asked, more confused than ever.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

The Hat only had eyes for Maxim's hat.

"Well, hel-lo there, handsome!"

[nize-hat.livejournal.com]

When the Talking Hat appeared, Maxim attempted to retain his suspicion- a talking hat did sound like a potentially good form of Jäger-trap. But, the Sorting Hat was an impressive and believable construct, if construct it was- a face-splitting smile lit up Maxim's features as he beheld it. That it had called him (or so he thought) handsome didn't hurt either- Maxim's ego was generally a swift route to his good graces. "Hello dere, Talkink Hat! Hy have heard a lot about hyu!"

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Determined not to let such a fine hat slip out of its clutches, the Sorting Hat sped up the Sorting. "Right, well, yes! Into the school with you."

Gryffindor!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your hat has been accepted!

Welcome to Gryffindor!