Reality show event 1: Crafts and tacos!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

As each contestant exited his or her limousine, Ari Emory read the contestant's name in voice-over. (Like Julie Chen of "Big Brother" - a show the Hat loved - Ari was to remain outside the dome.) Another house-elf scurried up to offer the contestant a beautiful lei ("Aloha and welcome to Hat Shore!"), and handed the contestant a piece of paper on which their roommate's name was written.

Oh, yes. The Sorting Hat had assigned roommates. To be more specific, it instructed Ari and her team to assign roommates, then had overridden some of Ari's recommendations in order to suit its own desires.


The pairs were:

• Bad Boyz 4 Lyfe: Bucky Katt and Kuronue, room 2.


• SnarkBros: Vislor Turlough and Dean Winchester, room 7.


• Pretty in Pink: Cathy Dollanganger and the Shoggies, room 1.


• Team Beefcake: Beowulf Ecgtheowsson and Captain Jack Harkness, room 3.


• Bat and Bait: The Scout and Adam Milligan, room 4.


• Sparkle and Kimono: George St. Bartleigh and Sanada Yukimura, room 6.


• Team Estrogen: Glorificus and Maddie Magellan, room 5.

Once the entire group of fourteen was assembled, the house-elves herded them into the Hat Shore house's dining room, where each was required to sit in a suspensor chair. A map of Arrakis hanging on the dining-room wall revealed its true purpose: it wasn't a map, it was a television screen! The desert geography dissolved into the familiar interior of Hogwarts' own Great Hall, with Ariane Emory somberly gazing into the camera, microphone in hand.


"Hello, Hogwarts students. Welcome to Hat Shore. This is a Muggle Studies project commissioned and underwritten by the Sorting Hat. I'm sorry if any of you have been distressed or inconvenienced. Look at the bright side: at least you're not getting married off to a stranger and forced to live in a tent village, which I understand was the Hat's last social experiment. I'm Ariane Emory and I'm doing what I can to keep this experiment within ethical guidelines."

Note: Reseune's idea of ethical guidelines were not Earth's.

"For today, the Hat just wants you to get settled in. Each of you has an assigned roommate. Each pair of roommates needs to choose a room, and you're going to be provided with craft supplies to decorate your door. The Hat also wants you to choose a motto or inspirational quote that you feel represents the pair of you, and post that on your door.

"After the craft project, you'll reconvene in the kitchen. It's taco night, and you'll get to assemble tacos from the taco bar. For those of you who don't eat meat, I understand vegan fillings will be an option.

"Before we get started on crafts, there's one more piece of official business: the Rules of the House. These are going to be read to you aloud, to make sure that you've heard and understood them. They will also be enforced."

The house-elves heralded the next person to arrive, who was not a contestant at all:
"Presenting ...." (one house-elf beat a bongo drum in lieu of drumroll) "ELRIC THE ADJUDICATOR!"


Elric had spent his first year or so at Hogwarts convinced that the Sorting Hat (whom he suspected to be Mabelode of Chaos) was holding him prisoner, but had recently decided this was not the case, and that he was at Hogwarts to somehow champion Chaos, as a twisted form of Law dominated the majority of the world. This had made him more amenable to participation in school activities, but, the deciding factor in his participation in Real Hogwarts had not been the Sorting Hat. Neither did it have anything to do with the fact that Vladimir Harkonnen and Valentine Wolfe, whom he suspected to be his own patron Arioch and Chardros the Reaper, had been put in charge of producing the show. But, it had everything to do with the fact that he'd taken a liking to Ariane Emory.

In order to curry her favor, Elric had agreed to don a costume and play the role of "Elric the Adjudicator". On recieving his costume, he had to admit he liked it, although he wasn't sure about his opinion of the designer. On one hand, he felt an inexplicable familiarity with Jherek, while on the other, he felt an inexplicable sense of jealousy- for his part, Jherek felt the same inexplicable familiarity, minus the jealousy, which was replaced with an inexplicable sense of disapproval and pity. Neither man could have known they were two very different faces of the same essential being.

Elric's costume consisted of a voluminous cloak in dark red, over an impressive suit of plate armor. Made of gleaming black metal decorated with complex inlays of silver and colourful gems, it was clearly for show, not practicality. The tall helm he wore bore an uncanny resemblance to Melnibonéan designs, and the guard that covered the lower half of his face was enchanted to amplify his voice. With both hands he clutched the haft of the Banhammer of Adjudication, its massive head resting on the ground. Beside him stood a huge gong, its ornate design complementing his outfit quite well- a few dents indicated that he'd taken a few practice swings at it already, to be sure that he'd be able to produce the ideal resounding tone if Adjucation became necessary.

In keeping with his role, it was Elric's job to announce the house rules to the contestants in their entirety. This list of rules had mostly baffled him, but, he knew better than to queston anything dictated by 'Chaos'. Once Ariane had finished introducing the contestants to the game, Elric stepped forward to announce, "The house rules are as follows! Adhere to them, lest you be adjudicated." He then began to read the entire list of rules with the solemn gravity to be expected of such a proceeding. Although a few of these rules were logical enough, most of them were just strange or baffling- despite this, Elric did an admirable job of concealing his own opinions, making each rule sound as important as the last.

In full, these rules consisted of:

1. No roughhousing at the swimming pool.


2. Wear a swim cap in the swimming pool at all times.


3. Do not pee in the swimming pool.


4. Do not drink out of the milk carton.


5. You must make your bed every morning. House-elves will examine them for neatness and assign points based on aesthetic presentation.


6. Wipe your shoes on the mat before entering the house. Remove your shoes inside the house, and leave them on the provided mat near the door.


7. No drinking juice or red Kool-Aid in the living room.


8. You must practice a musical instrument for a half hour each day. No exceptions!


9. No outside footwear is allowed in the bowling alley. Use only the shoes provided.


10. Do not use bowling balls as projectiles. Do not use bowling balls as blunt weapons.


11. Golf clubs are only for golf.


12. Taco night is the best night.


13. No talking with your mouth full at dinner.


14. No talking with your mouth full at any other meal.


15. Eat only food from your plate.


16. Obey the chore wheel! Do your daily chores.


17. NO HERPES.


18. Thou shalt not take the Hat's name in vain.


19. No sunglasses allowed after 8 PM. Pajamas required after 9 PM, except at the pool.


20. Do not feed the Shoggies after midnight.


21. Be in bed by 2 AM or else.


22. Do not paint the roses.


23. Lawn darts are to be used in designated areas only.


24. All participants must shower for at least 5 minutes a day.


25. Always wear flip-flops in the shower.

Before anyone could pose a question about the rules, the Adjudicator raised a hand to ward off such foolish attempts. "Questions will not be taken at this time. Rules are not up for debate. Contestants, to your rooms! Craft supplies await you!"

And indeed they did. Tons of craft supplies had been brought to each room by the house elves while the contestants were listening to Elric. Many colors of felt, glitter and glue, ample markers and butcher paper, a bulletin board for each room, and -- the pièce de resistance -- each room had its very own Bedazzler.