Application: Quintus Lentulus Batiatus (Spartacus : Blood and Sand)

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((WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS for Spartacus: Blood and Sand, season 1.))

A middle-aged man of unimpressive stature, dressed in the garments of a successful Roman and drenched in blood, appeared on the floor of the Sorting Room. After a moment, he stood up, looking around. There was supposed to be a river. And a ferryman. And a three-headed dog. But, there wasn't. There was only a strange room, without a trace of sand or blood anywhere. Except on his garments, which were drenched in it. His hand sought his neck as he took in his surroundings, lingering there a moment, and he frowned.

It was no surprise that the priests were full of shit. Not that he'd ever spent much time on religion- he was a practical man, of keen and lofty ambitions. Or, he had been, until the gods had seen fit to spread his legs and ram their collective cock up his ass. Such a complex and delicate plan, one that was sure to see his house continue its rise to a proper status. A plan that was going to extend his grasp to Rome, and a seat in the Senate itself. A plan that was admittedly founded on a somewhat shaky pillar, and thus a gamble. But a gamble he'd not expected to lose so dramatically, so thoroughly.

Death was the sort of major event that caused everything proceeding it to be seen a new light. A stark light of plain detail and contrasts, rendering a picture in crisp shades of distant grey. Quintus Lentulus Batiatus, now dead and presuming himself to be in a very unexpected version Hades, could look back and see just how much of a gamble it had been. The Thracian wasn't just a shaky pillar, he was a fucking wild bull, and a wily bastard as well. Something had occurred which he'd not anticipated, somehow, Spartacus had found out the truth regarding his wife- he'd seen it in his eyes for days. But, he'd never thought the Thracian would be fool enough to rise up and stampede the whole damned herd, and while representation from legatus Glaber's troops were present.

But the Thracian hadn't been the only factor. He should have had the former Champion of Capua slain as soon as he became a household issue, but he'd held back to dispose of him to the best advantage. And it was this factor that had been the undoing of his house. Spartacus had never held a place of high respect amongst his brothers- he was too damned wild and independent. The whole herd would not have followed him. But Crixus. . .

Batiatus looked around, a certain expectancy in his gaze. But, his eyes found nothing apart from the empty room- this was not the hell he'd expected, not at all. A barely-whispered word escaped his lips, "Lucretia." She wasn't here. Her absence kindled a fleeting hope- could his house live on? But, it was a very fleeting hope- there wasn't a dead Roman in sight aside from him, and his own life's blood had been but a small amount amongst the flood those wild dogs had spilled. As he looked around, his eyes lit on the paper. The writing was unfamiliar, yet he could read it. Last he recalled, there wasn't a written portion involved in afterlife dispensation, but, perhaps hell was so busy today that they found themselves lacking in personal representation.

State your full name.
"Quintus Lentulus Batiatus."

He cocked a strange look at the quill as it began copying his answers. But, it was difficult to be shocked by animated quills when faced with the self-awareness of death.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"What does fucking cheese have to do with anything?"

After getting so thoroughly fucked by the gods, Batiatus wasn't feeling inclined to good manners.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Was this supposed to be some sort of joke? "Why the fuck should I care? I don't know who either of these people are. They can both die, for all I care, and. . . answer moronic questions." Batiatus wasn't an incredibly patient man, and the questions were already wearing on him. "Where's the fucking ferry and the dog? What sort of cheap, half-assed hell is this supposed to be?" He glowered at the quill as it took down his words.

3. What time is it where you are?

"Do I even need to answer that? I'm dead. Time doesn't matter anymore." But, it was curious just how alive he felt, for being dead. He was in possession of all his normal faculties, and somehow the huge gash in his throat was closed. But, his robes were still covered in the evidence of his demise, and he wasn't at his villa anymore, so it had obviously happened.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

"Jupiter's cock!" Although 'sexually harass' made sense, and the bit about returning from the dead was slightly interesting, the rest of the sentence was complete nonsense. "What is this nonsense? How am I supposed to know of the perverse desires of this 'Albus Dumbledore'?"


5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"Since when did mortals get to have a say in their eternal fate? Why should I bother to please the judges when I already know that no matter what I do, the gods will laugh as they shove cock up ass. What does a name matter, once fallen into darkness? 'House of Batiatus' will do." He smirked. His line was ended. It was all over. The House of Batiatus, just another name that would fall into the darkness of the past, to be forgotten.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

This was getting inane. "What the hell do I care who some person named Harry chooses to wed? Whichever one has the higher social standing."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Not enough slaves," Batitatus snapped impatiently. "You'd think the underworld would have no shortage." He was, however, beginning to suspect that death was not very different from life.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

"Why? I'm fucking dead."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

Batiatus pulled a golden aureus from a small pouch. He tossed the coin beside the parchment. He doubted it was worth much- if the afterlife followed tradition, the ferryman would have taken the requisite coin by now.

Comments

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

The translation spell rendered "France" and "Sweden" into the ancient Roman names for the general territories, but it was still strange for Batiatus to have to try and wrap his brain around events that hadn't happened yet. Especially personified events that hadn't happened yet. Still, the boy seemed quite proud of his accomplishments, or those of the 'future' nation he represented, and Batiatus gave him an approving smile. "I'm sure with your enthusiasm, you shall accomplish much," he told him, by way of encouragement.

Yet another confirmation of a talking hat- although a talking hat seemed like nothing to look forward to, Batiatus did hope to get it over with sooner than later. He mused over Holy Roman Empire's question- which was indeed rather vague and broad, but he expected that the boy wanted to hear about the interesting points, and not the tedious ones. "It is both an honor, and a responsibility- Rome is the greatest empire in the world. My profession involves bringing it entertainment of the highest quality. Or, did- no one's said it's possible to return. Even if it was, I think I'm dead." It was quite depressing to think about- not only did he have no life to return to if he could return, it appeared his nation no longer existed, and he was bereft of that as well.

[sincethe900s.livejournal.com]

Holy Roman Empire beamed at the encouragement. "Thank you. I will definitely make the legacy of Roman Empire proud!"

He nodded in agreement as Batiatus spoke of honor and responsibility and greatness. Entertainment made him think to bring up the topic of art--because Italy did enjoy the arts so much, and she'd said her grandpa had tutored her--when Batiatus turned the conversation back to talking about being dead.

That had been Holy Roman Empire's first fear, too, when he'd found himself in the Sorting Room. But he'd been reassured by the sight of Austria, who seemed to be doing well and hadn't been in any danger of vanishing, so surely this wasn't a place for disappeared nations and other dead people. Despite what Austria had said about the war. And he'd tried to ignore all of Batiatus' ominous statements, because Holy Roman Empire preferred to be in denial about the fact that he might be dead as well. But he hadn't heard that it wasn't possible to return, and he was seized with the horror that France and Sweden really would ruin his empire if he wasn't there and he'd never see Italy again... until he remembered that this was, of course, a dream, so all Holy Roman Empire needed to do to return home would be to wake up. Which he would get around to, eventually.

So he pretended that he hadn't looked panicked only a moment before, and offered comfortingly, "Well, if something bad happened to you before, at least here you seem to still be alive. And maybe none of this is real anyway--you have to admit it is very strange." Holy Roman Empire meant things like magic and talking hats, not personified nations. "It could be just some dream, and when you wake up, things might still be alright. You might still be able to stop whatever's going to happen."

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

Holy Roman Empire was quite endearing, even if he seemed to think he was a country, or might very well be the embodiment of a country. Batiatus noticed his brief moment of turmoil, and wondered if death really was the best topic to bring up around young children, even if they might be nations and so technically older than him. Even if the nation did come after his time- the whole time travel thing remained seriously perplexing. Batiatus hadn't intended to cause Holy Roman Empire distress, it was just that he found it very difficult to be in denial about his clearly-remembered death. A death which logically would prevent any 'return' to life, even if some people pulled to the curious school did manage to return.

Although he felt it rather unlikely that he'd suddenly wake up and find himself alive, and in a position to stop his own demise, he didn't want to impose his own gloom on the boy- who seemed extremely smart for his apparent age, which did lend some support to the idea of him actually being a nation. "It is all very strange, and perhaps it's best not to question what it is. For, as you say, I still seem to be alive here." He managed a smile, and, attempted to turn the subject to less melancholy topics. "Do you learn much, at this school?"

[sincethe900s.livejournal.com]

Holy Roman Empire nodded and smiled. The "best not to question it" plan seemed to be going well for him, and he hoped it would work nicely for Batiatus as well.

"Well, there haven't been any classes held while I've been here. But Austria already knows some magic, and he's been teaching me. Oh, and there's a library here that's really great," he added. "It's got a lot of books that you can teach yourself from, so I'm learning quite a bit." He'd spent a lot of time there lately, preparing for his unofficially declared war on Apos. "You'll need to get a wand if you want to learn most of this stuff, though."

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

Although the 'best not to question it' plan tended to be a quite effective one at Hogwarts, it was difficult for him not to question the situation. It was one of those thing he'd have to to work through once he had greater experience with Hogwarts. But, for now, not questioning matters- at least until he met the hat and left the room- did seem the most sensible course of action.

It pleased Batiatus to see a young person (or what appeared to be) concerned about education, but, Batiatus was well into middle age, and wasn't terribly enthused by the idea of going to classes- luckily, people kept telling him that they were rare, and not required. The books, however, sounded potentially interesting. "The first thing I'll want to learn from these books is what happened to the Roman Empire, if this is truly some time in the future of my world. After that, perhaps I'll explore what else this school has to offer. Magic seems like a form of power, but, I'm still not sure what it's got to do with me." That magic seemed like it would be a useful tool was undeniable, but, it was exceedingly hard to picture himself learning such a skill. Had he had a more accurate picture in head of Hogwarts magic, it would have been even more impossible to conjecture.

[sincethe900s.livejournal.com]

"There are probably some history books as well, I'm sure," he replied. Holy Roman Empire hadn't really checked to see--which was best for everyone. Austria had been the only one to try to gently educate him about the history of the Empire, and it hadn't exactly gone well.

"I suppose there's a lot of different uses for magic; it just depends on what you want to do." He'd been focused solely on the end goal of fighting Apos, so he didn't remember any concrete examples of other things he'd run across during his search to give Batiatus. "I want to use magic as a weapon, so I'm reading a lot about offensive spells, and defensive spells, and dueling. Maybe you'll find something you'd like to learn more about after you get settled in," he suggested.

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

"I expect that I'll find a lot to learn about," Batiatus told Holy Roman Empire, giving him a thankful smile. He wasn't entirely sure that he'd want to learn about all that had passed since he somehow travelled through time and ended up at Hogwarts, but he supposed that he'd need to. If nothing else, it would help him to understand his new surroundings, and help to confirm the overall reality of the situation. "And perhaps I'll learn something about this magic, although I am not sure about the idea of 'magic spells' as weapons. Steel is already fit for the job." Magic as a weapon didn't seem unfeasible, just ridiculous- even if people could use magic, Batiatus was a lanista, and believed that the art of combat should be one of flesh and steel. Not that he was personally adverse to learning something which could give him an unexpected advantage. Magic just wasn't for the arena.

[sincethe900s.livejournal.com]

"Well, that's true." Holy Roman Empire was more comfortable wielding a sword than a wand. But he liked having Batiatus' approval, so he felt compelled to defend magic as weaponry. "But spells are really versatile--you can make a lot of different attacks without needing specific weapons, or you can disarm someone without having to get in their range--and they might give you a distinct advantage over your opponent. And in war, having the advantage is everything. So I want to be skilled with both."

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

Although the whole idea of Hogwarts magic still sounded alien to Batiatus, it was clear that Holy Roman Empire had been at Hogwarts longer than him, and, he at least sounded like he knew what he was talking about. Which was quite impressive for a boy of his age- he evidently had a good head on his shoulders, which contained a sense of strategy. He smiled approvingly, telling Holy Roman Empire, "A smart choice, to be skilled with both. It's always better to embrace every possible advantage. Do they often have magical wars, here?" The idea of a magical war was a strange but colorful one, and, admittedly, Holy Roman Empire's tactical musings on magic was rousing his interest about the subject. If he was to be stuck at a magic school, it was indeed wise to understand what he was likely to be dealing with.

[sincethe900s.livejournal.com]

Holy Roman Empire smiled, glad that Batiatus agreed.

"Ah, actually, I think this place is supposed to rather peaceful, despite all of the strangeness. But you see, there's this person who's appeared here, and he's terrible. He's even worse than France." He still hadn't bothered to learn Apos' name, and figured this description was apt enough to make up for it. "And someone has to stop him from doing as he pleases--hurting people and conquering. So I'm going to fight a war against him myself, and protect this school as if it were my own home." Holy Roman Empire was optimistic that this would go a lot better than the Thirty Years' War. He was also oblivious to the fact that he was actually late to the party, as a few other students had already thought of this plan and were having greater success with the "protecting" part than Holy Roman Empire.

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

If Batiatus were aware of France's entire history, he probably would have found Holy Roman Empire's description rather hilarious, given France's war record, which, to the best of the mun's knowledge, includes a single victory, and this against themselves. As it was, the translation spell rendered France to its ancient regional name, which still didn't sound terribly threatening- and indeed, the region would be officially conquered by Caesar not long after Batiatus' time. "A worse threat than the Gallic regions? He can't be too much trouble then." Batiatus told Holy Roman Empire. "Still, you should take care, and bring some allies if you can recruit them," he told him, in the tone of an adult gladly indulging the games of a child. He still presumed that much of what the boy said was part of a childish make-believe game with some other children- had he known what Apos actually was, he'd have certainly advised Holy Roman Empire to stay far away while the adults handled the situation.

[sincethe900s.livejournal.com]

Well, Holy Roman Empire had meant more the constantly stirring up trouble and the incorrigible lechery rather than France's actual military prowess, but it was also a testament to the poor state of his house and the fact that the Empire had basically been in slow decline since about the 12th century.

"I don't think you should underestimate how much trouble he could be." Partly because that would imply that Holy Roman Empire was weak, losing a skirmish to someone who wasn't much trouble at all. Which was to some degree true, but he liked to think otherwise and that he could take care of himself and others perfectly well. "I do have someone I can rely on, but if I can take care of it myself, I'd rather not get Austria involved."

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

Batitus would indeed up fascinated with learning the history of over two-thousand years which had passed since his time, as well as the military development which had accompanied its passage. Batiatus was yet to realize that his world was now one which could be destroyed with nothing more than pressing a few buttons in the right order- until he figured this out, he was liable to continue underestimating most of the modern world.

"I expect that this person will be easily dealt with- most people are," Batiatus told the boy encouragingly. It was very difficult to tell if the boy was speaking of a game, or of some actual threatening individual. But, there appeared to be plenty of adults at Hogwarts, who surely could manage the problem, if it was a real one. In his experience, flesh was only as strong as the will behind it, and, most of those could be broken, manipulated, or misdirected quite effectively. Occasionally, such efforts went wrong- as they had with Spartacus- but most of the time, they were successful. "Everyone has a weak point point. Seek it, and, you are likely to find triumph. But seek it with care."

[sincethe900s.livejournal.com]

Holy Roman Empire had a suspicion that Batiatus still wasn't taking him entirely seriously--which happened to him fairly often. But his directions to seek allies and discover weak points to target were sound, so Holy Roman Empire nodded and replied, "You give good advice. Thank you. I hope I can deal with him quickly so that things will be peaceful here again."

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

Having never met an incarnated intelligence of a nation before, it was just impossible for Batiatus to take Holy Roman Empire seriously- he did think well of the boy, who seemed to have much potential and a good sense of focus. "Is it that barbaric a place? I suppose we are at the uncivilized arse-end of the Empire." Caledonia didn't bode well for civility, yet, the construction of the room certainly seemed advanced- it was difficult to picture a place with such solid architecture and well-crafted furnishings as entirely barbaric. Although he guessed they could have pillaged most of it.

[sincethe900s.livejournal.com]

Holy Roman Empire thought about it in this way--Apos aside, although Hogwarts was rather strange, he had no other qualms about Italy potentially being here. "It's not really barbaric here, I think. There are just people like that, anywhere you are." Like France. And Holy Roman Empire didn't think Europe any more barbaric for his presence (although, he did think it would be a lot nicer if France's presence were much less present).

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

"There is a trace of the barbarian everywhere, and in everyone," Batiatus agreed. "It's what kept me in business, and, perhaps it shall return me to business once more. With any luck, you'll be able to attend some games in the proper Roman style," he added with a slight smile- it was this trait that filled the seats at the arena, after all. The human desire to see blood spilled and life ended was an excellent thing, as, it had filled his coffers nicely before it turned on him. Batiatus didn't see this as a reason to be discouraged- everyone had to go sometime, and, he'd even gotten a second chance, to all appearances. Thus, he planned to make use of it, in the ways he knew best.

[sincethe900s.livejournal.com]

"I hope you do get a chance to continue with your work. I'd really like to see that." Well, for Holy Roman Empire the interest was less in blood and death and more in the draw of the words in the proper Roman style, but surely it could be capitalized on just as well.

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

"I hope that you'll be able to see it, my young friend. If I do rebuild my ludus here, I will be sure to send out public notice." By which he meant advertisements, although he was thinking more along the lines of fliers than anything overly elaborate. He'd be quite intrigued once he discovered the modern art of advertising and merchandising, and certain to apply them to his business.

[sincethe900s.livejournal.com]

"If you need any help, you can ask me," Holy Roman Empire offered. After all, bringing the greatness of Roman Empire back to Europe was what he did--well, in theory. In practice it mainly involved stalking Italy, but that didn't mean he wasn't excited to see some of Rome brought to Hogwarts.