Application: Quintus Lentulus Batiatus (Spartacus : Blood and Sand)

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

((WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS for Spartacus: Blood and Sand, season 1.))

A middle-aged man of unimpressive stature, dressed in the garments of a successful Roman and drenched in blood, appeared on the floor of the Sorting Room. After a moment, he stood up, looking around. There was supposed to be a river. And a ferryman. And a three-headed dog. But, there wasn't. There was only a strange room, without a trace of sand or blood anywhere. Except on his garments, which were drenched in it. His hand sought his neck as he took in his surroundings, lingering there a moment, and he frowned.

It was no surprise that the priests were full of shit. Not that he'd ever spent much time on religion- he was a practical man, of keen and lofty ambitions. Or, he had been, until the gods had seen fit to spread his legs and ram their collective cock up his ass. Such a complex and delicate plan, one that was sure to see his house continue its rise to a proper status. A plan that was going to extend his grasp to Rome, and a seat in the Senate itself. A plan that was admittedly founded on a somewhat shaky pillar, and thus a gamble. But a gamble he'd not expected to lose so dramatically, so thoroughly.

Death was the sort of major event that caused everything proceeding it to be seen a new light. A stark light of plain detail and contrasts, rendering a picture in crisp shades of distant grey. Quintus Lentulus Batiatus, now dead and presuming himself to be in a very unexpected version Hades, could look back and see just how much of a gamble it had been. The Thracian wasn't just a shaky pillar, he was a fucking wild bull, and a wily bastard as well. Something had occurred which he'd not anticipated, somehow, Spartacus had found out the truth regarding his wife- he'd seen it in his eyes for days. But, he'd never thought the Thracian would be fool enough to rise up and stampede the whole damned herd, and while representation from legatus Glaber's troops were present.

But the Thracian hadn't been the only factor. He should have had the former Champion of Capua slain as soon as he became a household issue, but he'd held back to dispose of him to the best advantage. And it was this factor that had been the undoing of his house. Spartacus had never held a place of high respect amongst his brothers- he was too damned wild and independent. The whole herd would not have followed him. But Crixus. . .

Batiatus looked around, a certain expectancy in his gaze. But, his eyes found nothing apart from the empty room- this was not the hell he'd expected, not at all. A barely-whispered word escaped his lips, "Lucretia." She wasn't here. Her absence kindled a fleeting hope- could his house live on? But, it was a very fleeting hope- there wasn't a dead Roman in sight aside from him, and his own life's blood had been but a small amount amongst the flood those wild dogs had spilled. As he looked around, his eyes lit on the paper. The writing was unfamiliar, yet he could read it. Last he recalled, there wasn't a written portion involved in afterlife dispensation, but, perhaps hell was so busy today that they found themselves lacking in personal representation.

State your full name.
"Quintus Lentulus Batiatus."

He cocked a strange look at the quill as it began copying his answers. But, it was difficult to be shocked by animated quills when faced with the self-awareness of death.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"What does fucking cheese have to do with anything?"

After getting so thoroughly fucked by the gods, Batiatus wasn't feeling inclined to good manners.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Was this supposed to be some sort of joke? "Why the fuck should I care? I don't know who either of these people are. They can both die, for all I care, and. . . answer moronic questions." Batiatus wasn't an incredibly patient man, and the questions were already wearing on him. "Where's the fucking ferry and the dog? What sort of cheap, half-assed hell is this supposed to be?" He glowered at the quill as it took down his words.

3. What time is it where you are?

"Do I even need to answer that? I'm dead. Time doesn't matter anymore." But, it was curious just how alive he felt, for being dead. He was in possession of all his normal faculties, and somehow the huge gash in his throat was closed. But, his robes were still covered in the evidence of his demise, and he wasn't at his villa anymore, so it had obviously happened.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

"Jupiter's cock!" Although 'sexually harass' made sense, and the bit about returning from the dead was slightly interesting, the rest of the sentence was complete nonsense. "What is this nonsense? How am I supposed to know of the perverse desires of this 'Albus Dumbledore'?"


5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"Since when did mortals get to have a say in their eternal fate? Why should I bother to please the judges when I already know that no matter what I do, the gods will laugh as they shove cock up ass. What does a name matter, once fallen into darkness? 'House of Batiatus' will do." He smirked. His line was ended. It was all over. The House of Batiatus, just another name that would fall into the darkness of the past, to be forgotten.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

This was getting inane. "What the hell do I care who some person named Harry chooses to wed? Whichever one has the higher social standing."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Not enough slaves," Batitatus snapped impatiently. "You'd think the underworld would have no shortage." He was, however, beginning to suspect that death was not very different from life.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

"Why? I'm fucking dead."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

Batiatus pulled a golden aureus from a small pouch. He tossed the coin beside the parchment. He doubted it was worth much- if the afterlife followed tradition, the ferryman would have taken the requisite coin by now.

Comments

[pullo-xiii.livejournal.com]

So the fellow was another Roman, eh? Name like that, he'd have to be. And the whole "Jupiter's cock!" thing. Pullo hadn't met any others in his time here who cursed with those particular words.

"This isn't Hades, friend," he said, looking quite odd in his now-customary Hawaiian shirt open over a more usual Roman-style tunic. "Least, so far as I know. I was quite alive when I came to be here." He looked at the aureus with great interest. "You got any more of those, then?"

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

Pullo's Hawaiian shirt caused Batiatus to look at the man a bit warily for a second- Pullo was by far the most normal looking person he'd met yet at Hogwarts, aside from this detail, which was all the more glaring due to its incongruent combination with the familiar. But after a short observation, he had to admit that the shirt was one of the more attractive strange garments he'd seen thus far at Hogwarts due to its lively dyes and patterns, and his origin in a time where bright, vivid dyes were a luxury item.

"So I've been told, but I'm still not sure if I should be relieved. At least hell's something I understand, or, something I thought I did. This. . ." He gestured about the oddly-decorated room, unsure what exactly to call it. "I don't know what the fuck to make of it. Were you also spirited here?"

Batiatus was beginning to agree with those who suggested that Hogwarts was not actually the underworld, so was beginning to regret his attempt to pay the ferryman. A golden coin was a golden coin, and, not anything he was happy to part with for no reason. "I might- but if this isn't hell, I'm not in the mood to play fast and loose with my finances." He smirked slightly, adding, "Now, if you happen to have another of those remarkably hued garments. . ." He eyed the shirt with no less interest than Pullo showed the aureus. It was a pretty great garment, whatever it was.

[pullo-xiii.livejournal.com]

"Ah, but you're supposed to bribe here now, aren't you? Hardly a bribe if I'm the one selling you something." He grinned affably. "But, you can't go around covered in blood. Start drawing flies, eh? Tell you what. The aureus for a vote and a shirt. Sound fair?"

He chuckled. "Found myself here instead of the Aventine taverna. Nasty surprise, that. Thought I'd gone mad. Not a bad place, though. They teach you magic here. And the women... the ones here are good, and the ones outside of here... There's this place I went to, city in a desert called Las Vegas, and the girls..." He sighed happily, remembering.

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

Titus Pullo was like a breath of fresh air compared to what he'd been dealing with so far, which seemed to be mostly comprised of maddening conversation with foreigners that made little sense, and talking dogs. Here was someone who seemed quite sane and sensible, and most importantly, Roman. And with what sounded like a well-adjusted mind.

Batiatus returned Titus' grin. "What kind of businessman would I be if I didn't watch for an opportunity? Sounds like a fair deal." He'd far rather Titus get the aureus than some rumored talking hat, and he did really want one of those shirts- at least he'd have something to show for his odd trip, and, if Lucretia did arrive, he'd have the promise of amazing materials to improve her mood.

"I was expecting the fucking pit of Hades, but, I don't think I've gone mad. Perhaps half the people here have, but, I'm pretty damn sure I'm sane as yourself." Titus appeared eminently sane, being a Roman with his interests in the proper place. "Perhaps once I'm out of this room, we can share some drinks, and find ourselves a few of these native women- there have been entirely too many cocks in this room." Not that Batiatus wasn't used to a majority of cocks around, when running a ludus- but, most of his household slaves had been female, and excellent specimens thereof.

[pullo-xiii.livejournal.com]

Pullo waved over one of the house-elves. "You, go up to my room and get a couple of these." He grinned at Batiatus. "The sooner the better, am I right?" The house-elf bobbed its head and scurried off.

"Sounds good to me. This place? Plenty of drinks, plenty of women. Makes up for the general oddness of it all."

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

"If only this rumored hat was so timely, my friend. For, I'll need drinks and women after this ordeal. People have been helpful, and polite enough, but, they should know better than to tell people they're in the fucking future without the promise of drinks and women to assuage a troubled spirit. So which part of the Empire do you hail from? And 'when', I suppose." It was weird as hell to ask someone when they were from, but, it seemed to him that Pullo was likely to be a close contemporary to himself. "I am Quintus Lentulus Batiatus, lanista by profession. My ludus is near Capua."

[pullo-xiii.livejournal.com]

((So, I just realized something amusing while double-checking dates. Apparently Batiatus was played by Ian McNeice in the 2004 USA miniseries. And now, I am loling. Making some assumptions on historical dates, if this is objectionable let me know and I'll change it.))

The name was vaguely familiar--something that reminded him of the late Senator Pompey, in a roundabout way. But Pullo was no historian, and had never bothered cracking a history book in curiosity in all the time he'd been at Hogwarts, and so shrugged it off.

"A lanista?" Interesting. "Had a few run-ins with your type before. Been sentenced to die in the arena twice, me. Never made it the first time, killed the cunts who insulted the Thirteenth the second time." With a little help from Vorenus, of course, and if Vorenus were here Pullo would give him credit. "Former legionary Titus Pullo, of the Thirteenth Gemina under Caesar. I'd say current captain of the Aventine collegium, but I'm currently here, so I suppose that should be 'former,' too."

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

((I -must- see the 2004 miniseries after having learned this, which I also discovered while double-checking dates. XD))

Sentenced to die in the arena twice before? Impressive, considering he wasn't dead, and it sounded as if he'd slipped out if it entirely the first time. Very impressive indeed, especially when combined with the positions. Although, he wasn't entirely sure of whom he was speaking of, Caesar not having ascended to his position of power yet, at least according to the mun's research. Gah, dates!

"Impressive, my friend- I never did have the privilege of serving in the military. I inherited the ludus from my father and carried on the tradition. I believe we may hail from slightly differing periods? You may hail from my future." Batiatus went on to explain who were the highest-ranked consuls of his time, which would hopefully indicate his own time period, which was only a few decades past. And yes, the mun was extremely lazy there! "If so. . . tell me- did you ever hear of a slave called Spartacus?" Batiatus had a pretty bad feeling about what was inevitably going to happen- or what had already happened, and long ago, he supposed- after the revolt of his gladiators. It wasn't quite like a house full of average slaves being unleashed. These slaves had slaughtered a bunch of Roman guards in their revolt already, and, he had a feeling that they weren't likely to stop anytime soon.

[pullo-xiii.livejournal.com]

Your research is correct!

Pullo frowned, thinking. That was a familiar name, something of a boogeyman, though not as much as Hannibal had been. And there was a connection to Pompey--the dead Senator had stopped that revolt all those years ago. He had not heard much about the dead gladiators until he joined the military--despite the treatment of slaves becoming somewhat less harsh as a result, it wasn't a name slaveowners liked their property to hear.

"Oh? You're from that ludus in Capua?" Pullo chuckled. "Gerrae. I wasn't even born then. No, that's all over with. We're fighting the Gauls now." He stopped, corrected himself. "Then. Lots of wars going on now, but I'm not involved in any of them. More's the pity, I miss a good fight."

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

'That ludus' instantly confirmed Batiatus' worst suspicions- the trouble started by his gladiators had indeed spread, and quite possibly to a degree that made being dead the far easier alternative. "So then, death was possibly the better alternative- I doubt Rome would have been forgiving of such a mess." he smirked. He hoped that Spartacus and Crixus- especially Crixus- would suffer every torment of hell before they were finally put down. They deserved it. "There are those here who've said that the Roman Empire no longer exists, that this is some distant future- in which case, we'd have little to fight for. But, there's always entertainment- I suppose if I'm stuck at this fucking school for long enough, I may as well attempt to bring it some games. Without any Spartacus-types." The last thing he'd need was a repeat occurrence- of course, he'd soon learn that he'd indeed be stuck with auctorati , unless he felt like training house-elves.

[pullo-xiii.livejournal.com]

"Really." Pullo perked up at the mention of fights. "So for these fights, would there be some kind of cash reward? Or..." What was the word they used now? "Merchandising opportunities?"

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

Batiatus was pleased to see that Pullo appeared to be interested in the idea of gladiatorial matches- from what he'd already heard of Pullo's past, it seemed like he himself might be an excellent candidate as auctorati. "I don't know about 'merchandising opportunities'," Batiatus replied, "But, there would certainly be a monetary reward, which means I'll need to find a patron." Luckily, Batiatus would find this easier than he anticipated, for the Hat would direct him to one. It was likely he'd learn about merchandising opportunities in the modern world soon enough, and when he did so, it was certain he'd lament never having got the idea to sell cheaply-produced memorabilia.

Vote: Slytherin

[pullo-xiii.livejournal.com]

"Can't help you there, friend. My own patron is recently popcorn." Damn shame, really. Octavian wasn't a bad sort.

"Tell you what I'll do. I think you'd find Slytherin a good fit for yourself, and once you're settled in, you can do some searching. Keep me updated, eh? Titus Pullo, in Slytherin."

Re: Vote: Slytherin

[masteroftitans.livejournal.com]

"I'll keep that in mind when I'm seeking a new one- perhaps I'll be able to help you out as well." Batiatus gave Pullo a comradely smile, and in fact did intend to assist his fellow Roman with what matters he might be able to. In fact, Titus was already giving him a few thoughts. What Batiatus had already learned of Pullo wasn't much, but, it was enough to indicate that the man was likely to be a very skilled fighter. And, if Batiatus was to find a way to establish some sort of ludus at Hogwarts, he'd need to find a doctore. Pullo seemed a good potential candidate. "My thanks for the recommendation, my friend. Whether or not I've the good fortune of finding a patron, I'll be sure to seek you out for an introduction to the local drinks and the local women."