http://gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com/ ([identity profile] gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com) wrote in [community profile] hh_mirror2010-01-31 05:22 pm

Application for Nero Wolfe from the Nero Wolfe novels by Rex Stout

A large man, weighing a full seventh of a ton, bustled through the door, carrying a branch of a Phalaenopsis hybrid in a bud vase. He frowned as he realized that he was not in the room that he expected to be in. He turned, the door no longer behind him. He frowned, the corners of his mouth turning down slightly. His assistant, the man he was looking for, would classify the expression as a frenzy of expression. He turned again, facing in the room. "Confound it," he snarled. "Archie. Archie! Enough of this flumery. Confound it." He glared around the room impartially. His desk, his chair, the book he was reading. None of them were in this room, the room that should have been his office. "Fritz!" he bellowed.

"Confound it," he pronounced again, looking around the room. He found a chair that looked as though it would support his mass near a table. He crossed to it, his steps heavier now as he crossed the room. He set the vase on the table and pulled down his gray suit jacket. He ran his hands down the matching vest and adjusted his yellow and red abstractly patterned tie, resetting the yellow collar of his shirt before he sat himself, obviously uncomfortably, in the chair.

He drummed his fingers on the arm of the chair, looking around. He glanced at the table he'd set the orchid branch on and noticed the stack of papers. He drew them over, read over them quickly and tossed them back onto the table. "Buffoonery. I will not be subject to this nonsense. Archie!" He waited a beat or two and then called, "Fritz!" With a disgruntled sigh, he looked around the room again. There was nothing else to occupy him and idleness did not sit well with him, despite his chronic laziness. He picked up the papers again.



State your full name.
He shifted, still uncomfortable in the chair an disliking the activity though it was the only one that offered itself to be done at the moment. He looked around for a pen and found only a quill. He raised it and looked further on the desk, seeking out an inkwell. Upon not finding one, he attempted to write, to test the instrument. When it left a mark, he concluded it must be a new style pen made to look like an old fashioned ink quill. "Nero Wolfe," he wrote, "though I would prefer to be addressed as Mr. Wolfe." A thorough answer was important.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"Favorite?" he said aloud. "Piffle!" He began to write. "Which cheese I prefer entirely depends on the circumstances and the other food accompanying and what is offered to drink." Here, he waxed eloquent on which cheeses best compliment various drinks, turning the page over to continue his dissertation on the subject. Not quite satisfied, but out of space unless he starts another page, he turned the page over again and moves onto the next question.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

"Pfui," he said aloud. "I would not bother myself. I would most likely not bother to find out who killed them for less than fifty thousand dollars," he wrote. There were exceptions, rarely, if his ego were stung sufficiently, but in general, he did not commit murder, rather he solved it.

3. What time is it where you are?

He drew a pocket watch from his vest and frowned at it a moment before snapping it closed and returning it to his pocket. "11:27 AM" he wrote. An hour and a half until lunch. He would be very cross if his lunch were delayed. There was Shad Roe and the duck a l'orange he had been able to smell starting to cook. He should have gone into the kitchen to check on it, but his routine demanded that he enter the office at eleven to go over the mail and give Archie his assignments for the day.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

"Pfui," he said again. A paleness to his complexion appears and he shifts in his seat. Women repel him. All creatures of passions foreign to him, or perhaps too familiar, he never quite explains. "None!" he writes firmly on the paper, not that he knows or cares who the people mentioned are.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"I wouldn't." he wrote, not bothering with vocalizing his contempt of the question.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

"I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I." he wrote, not bothering with the rest of the quote or its context. Marriage was repellent enough, but between men? And three of them. After a moment, he cited the quote as being "Paul in the first Letter to the Corinthians, Chapter 7"

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Confound it with these nonsense names and suppositions," he said, tossing the quill to the table with the papers. He clasped his hands over his girth and glared at the paper. Yet, it galled his pride to leave anything undone. He glared at the quill and paper until it left him with no choice but to pick up the quill again and finish the questions. "Your assistant is an incompetent nincompoop."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Wolfe slammed the quill on the table. "I will not be subject to such an insult any longer. I demand to be released from this inane prison immediately!"

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

"Poppycock," he said, sitting back in the chair, his hands again clasped over his bulk, his eyes closed.

"I have read the [livejournal.com profile] hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _____NW_______
I have read the [livejournal.com profile] hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____NW_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____NW______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______NW_______"

[identity profile] ringo-raver.livejournal.com 2010-02-01 12:27 am (UTC)(link)
"Just for that, I'm calling you Nero. Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroooooooooooooooooo."

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Vote: Squib

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[identity profile] gourmetchairman.livejournal.com 2010-02-01 12:31 am (UTC)(link)
"I'm a little disappointed. I was enjoying your lecture on cheese." Not that he didn't already know this kind of thing, but he did enjoy meeting other connoisseurs.

[identity profile] tallyhopippip.livejournal.com 2010-02-01 12:36 am (UTC)(link)
"Oh, you can't leave! You just got here! And how are you going to learn all kinds of magic if you leave?"

[identity profile] omg-sunflora.livejournal.com 2010-02-01 12:37 am (UTC)(link)
"What's a poppycock?"

Vote: Squib

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[identity profile] iam-beowulf.livejournal.com 2010-02-01 01:13 am (UTC)(link)
Beowulf guffawed mightily.

"UNTO ME YOU MAY RENDER YOUR SHARE OF THE UNMARRIED AND THE WIDOWS!" he declared. "I AM BEOWULF!"

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[identity profile] ilikemyscars.livejournal.com 2010-02-01 01:24 am (UTC)(link)


Dr. Saunders entered the Sorting Room and looked over the new applicant.

"Hello. That orchid wasn't there before. Did you bring it with you?"

[identity profile] he-was-born.livejournal.com 2010-02-01 02:58 am (UTC)(link)
Jherek Carnelian had been settling into Hogwarts, all the while wondering when his 'Morphail Effect' would send him home. By this point, his good spirits had fully come back to him, and he'd found himself a little room in Hufflepuff, which reminded him of his beloved 19th century, and, had changed out of the dress he'd arrived in and into more typical clothes for him, which had somehow manifested in his closet. And so, Jherek was dressed in a long white robe of some flimsy, floaty material resembling spiderwebs, and his long hair was lose around his shoulders. To his dismay, he'd not been able to shift the colouration of his hair and skin to match his robes, but a house-elf had obtained him some cosmetics. And so, he was powdered, with lips painted white, nails painted white, everything but his hair and eyes.

He beamed happily as he noticed the new arrival in the Sorting Room- there was no doubt that his costume was from the first half of the 20th century. Jherek didn't bother to read the paper, instead flouncing happily over to the man, and offering him a sweeping, elegant bow. "Welcome, Sir, to the 21st Century!" he announced, with flamboyant exuberance. "I presume from your wonderful costume that you are from the first half of the 20th Century, so I suppose it might not seem an impressive amount of Time Travel to you." He noticed the orchid, and his smile turned on it. "And you bring such a beauteous of blooms! Is this a true blossom of the 20th Century?"

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[identity profile] tricky-tailor.livejournal.com 2010-02-01 03:07 am (UTC)(link)
((SQUEE! <3 ))

"I'm afraid that this is not a prison, at least not in the traditional sense. However, escape or return to your previous location appears to be quite difficult. Some call it impossible, but I am not one to shy away from a challenge."

The Cardassian gave Wolfe a nod, "My name is Garak, welcome to Hogwarts."

[identity profile] prettypendulum.livejournal.com 2010-02-01 03:33 am (UTC)(link)
Something about the man made Kuronue's eye twitch. He was lazy, offensive and arrogant. And he spoke funny. Overall Kuronue summarised him as boring, and so very human.

He stood before him, placed his hands on his hips and decided to proclaim so. His wand was sticking out of the leather belts at his waist, it would be wise to note that it was within easy reach, for once. This should be taken as a warning, as Kuronue's been brushing up on his spells. Namely ones that changed hair colours and caused all sorts of chaos.

"I find you irritating," he announced with a grimace. "You're obviously paid too much for your services."

[identity profile] degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com 2010-02-01 05:25 am (UTC)(link)
Valentine sauntered in, glanced at the applicant, glanced at the applicant's name, and frowned. "Wolfe, eh? No relation, I hope."

[identity profile] i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com 2010-02-01 12:48 pm (UTC)(link)
The Baron Vladimir Harkonnen had tired of his rooms and was drifting through the corridors- the fact that they changed frequently tended to reveal previously unseen objects, occasionally of artistic interest, but more often mere curiosities. He glanced in the Sorting Room as he passed by, and noted a relatively normal looking individual for a change. It was slightly disappointing that wasn't a pretty young man, of course- that was what he always hoped to find- but perhaps he'd have a brain, at least. The man's eyes were shut, and he drifted over to the application, glancing over it. He appeared literate, at least, and to have a good appreciation of cheeses. The last name caught his notice briefly, but, he quickly decided that he was in no way related to the Wolfe that he was thoroughly smitten by.

He floated over to where Wolfe was sitting, and pulled out his wand, muttering in the Latin-like gibberish of magical language to cause a nearby chair to alter proportions, the better to accommodate his suspensor-requiring girth, well over a fifth of a ton, himself, if not quite a quarter. "Welcome to Hogwarts, Mr. Wolfe," he stated in his resonant basso of a voice. "There are far worse places to be, such as Hell. Which, despite all appearances, this is not. It is insane, but, it is not a prison to the well-adjusted mind."

[identity profile] steff-is-a-girl.livejournal.com 2010-02-03 01:25 am (UTC)(link)
((Apparently, Steff is the only one of my muses interested in sortings lately.))

"So what crawled up your ass today?" Steff asked without preamble and with her usual amount of tact. The application was one of the bitchier ones she'd seen, and she had to admire him for that, but still... He wasn't even cute.

[identity profile] beets-r-god.livejournal.com 2010-02-03 06:44 am (UTC)(link)
"I admire your dedication to Dunder Mifflin's new sexual harassment policies, young grasshopper," stated the assistant regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Hogsmeade and Dunder-Mifflin Scranton. "Conducting an interoffice romance and making it official with HR is time-consuming, even if it is rewarding." He regarded Wolf steadily for a moment, then inquired, seemingly at random, "Question: Do you see yourself as part of the Dunder-Mifflin family in five years?"

Never mind that the only people at Hogwarts who would admit to being part of the Dunder-Mifflin family were himself, Andy, and Michael... possibly Pam. In the delusional world of Dwight's head, Hogwarts was just bursting with members of the Dunder-Mifflin family, just waiting to realize their calling to sell parchment and parchment products.

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[identity profile] maid-brienne.livejournal.com 2010-02-03 06:51 pm (UTC)(link)
((Last one, I swear. And again, I couldn't resist.))

Brienne took a few moments to actually read over the application--or at least the parts Mr. Wolf had bothered to fill out. She also studied the man, who appeared to be either bored or sleeping.

"Are you often paid to discover who murdered people?" she inquired mildly, her curiosity piqued by this information. Because it was canonical that, as an investigator, Brienne pretty much sucked.

[identity profile] ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com 2010-02-14 05:18 am (UTC)(link)
"My assistant is not an incompetent nincompoop!" said the Hat. "My assistant is a samurai ninja king (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/832410.html?thread=40509594#t40509594)!"

Ravenclaw!

[identity profile] ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com 2010-02-18 04:38 am (UTC)(link)
Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Ravenclaw!