Andy Bernard (The Office, US)

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

Andy Bernard had come to Hogwarts with baggage. To house-elves he had entrusted his suitcase and even his messenger bag, but the banjo case he insisted on carrying himself. Its strap rumpled his suit jacket and diagonally bisected the neat front of his shirt (point-collar classic-fit dress shirt in glacier stripe, clashing with his Northwest-tartan wool tie, both by J. Crew).

"I'm comin' up so you better get this party started!"

How better to announce his arrival than with an a cappella cover of Pink's 2001 hit single?





State your full name.

Whoa, official form to fill out. The name alone was probably worth like 200 points. Didn't they say that was true about the SAT? Same thing for something like this, Andy figured.

He wrote it out. Then he underscored it.

Andrew Baines Bernard


1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"Oh-ho-ho, you wish to know about ze fine fromage? You've come to the right man, amigo." Andy saw nothing strange about talking to the cameras to himself while he filled out this routine paperwork. Imagine his surprise when that old-timey quill pen yanked itself out of his grip to take some dictation.

you've come to the right man, amigo

"Dude, you're cramping my style," Andy scolded the pen.

Dood, you're cramping my style

"That's not how you spell 'dude'." Andy's indignation faded as he rationalized aloud (while the pen kept on taking dictation):

That's not how you spell dood. Aaaaaah, I see, one of those nifty Japanese gadgets. From Sky Mall, right? Am I right? I know I saw one of these in the Sky Mall catalog. It needs an American dictionary programmed in
hey
it's not even intercapping Sky Mall

Sadly, the moving quill could not represent Andy's ... cadences. And it wasn't going to represent anything at all for much longer.

Andy was not a fat man. He was, however, solid. He was that sort of tallish sturdy guy who'd have developed an impressive beer belly ten years from now. Between Andy and middle-aged corpulence stood only his healthy, not to say preppy, love of outdoor sports requiring expensive equipment. (Okay, okay, it was preppy.) Thick powerful fingers gripped the Dictaquill in a wild attempt to wrestle the quill into submission.

"Cut it out," growled Andy through gritted teeth. His face was reddening, and that had nothing to do with exertion.

Andy was getting angry. At the Dictaquill.

A crack, a splattering of ink across the parchment, and Andy had triumphed. He only had a couple hundred pounds on the quill, surely not an unfair advantage.
"All-righty then." He was trying to sound cheerful. It wasn't working. "Now that that's out of the way. My favorite cheese is --"

Another pen came out of freaking nowhere to begin scribbling down his answers.

"DAMMIT!"

The application, beneath the black splatter of the first pen's lifeblood, read:

My favorite cheese is DAMMIT!

Under this, Andy managed to draw a caret whose tip wedged between is and DAMMIT, and beneath the caret he wrote:

artisanal


2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

"Take a deeeep breath, Nard Dog. Count to ten, slooooowly. One-mississippi. Two-mississippi." Andy squeezed his eyes shut. He knew if he looked at that moving pen writing down his words, he'd end up breaking it too. Probably the room would get filled up with broken pens, and Andy would drown in a sea of their ink. No, then he'd totally own them, because he could sail away on, like, a sailboat! The mental image, cartoonish, helped to calm him a little.

He could take control of this situation.

From the breast pocket of his blazer, he unclipped an ordinary silver pen. With determination he brought it to the paper, disregarding the attempts of that self-propelled Japanese gadget pen thing. Andy wrote:

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. I would absolutely take a cue from Sun Tzu. Sun Tzu and the Art of Business, ever read it? Confucius say, Carrot-top okay.


3. What time is it where you are?

Oh, man. Andy totally wished this was a face-to-face interview and not a written application. The first thing that sprang to mind was a song. Just for the joy of singing, he belted out a few bars: "'Cause time won't give me time, and time makes lovers feel like they got somethin' real! 'Cause you and me, we know we've got nothinnnnnnnn but time! And time won't give me ti-ime! Nooo, it won't give me tiiime ... doot doot doot doot doot ..."

The doots were mimicry of the musical instrumentation in that fine '80s classic. Andy marked them with sideways chops of his hand in the air, ranging downward on an imaginary staircase as the notes descended.

He swiped down that second self-propelled quill pen thing and wrote with his own ballpoint:

The time is 12:42 pm.


4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Andy didn't recognize the name of that secret society. The Order of the Phoenix? He wasn't in it. None of his living male relatives had ever mentioned it. Therefore, Cornell didn't have a chapter of The Order of the Phoenix, and it was probably not worth wanting to join. (Unlike the Finer Things Club, which met in the break room of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin. Andy really wanted to be in the Finer Things Club.)

He knew better than to acknowledge ignorance on an admissions application. He wrote:

You can't harass the willing. Let's just say, the finest hottie at an Order barbecue would be getting an evening serenade from the Nard Dog.

Calling himself by his nickname on an admissions application wasn't unclassy, it was a demonstration of personal flair.


5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

That one was practically a freebie. Andy's succinct answer, as rendered by his silver ballpoint:

Beer Me.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Which way did the Hogwarts board of trustees (or governors, or whatever they had) lean on the issue of gay marriage? Andy opted for the safest, most obfuscatory route.

Harry's personal life should be a matter of individual freedom and personal choice governed by tradition. That's the lesson mythology teaches us. Even if the king of Thebes is going to put you to death, you owe your bro a proper burial. Freedom guided by tradition.

This mixed-up version of Antigone was the best Andy could manage for a mythological example. (What was that guy's name, the king of Thebes? Crayon? Something like that, but Andy wasn't going to write it down and risk a misspelling. That'd cost him points.)


C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

If you're asking whether I am smart, I only have a degree from one of the best colleges in the Western world. You might have heard of it. It's called Cornell. About your paperwork, I may be able to help you with that, being Regional Director in Charge of Sales. At Dunder Mifflin. Which is a paper company. You could say your paperwork is my business. I think you should ask yourself why you're constantly disposing of your important paperwork. Are you trying to run away from something? Let me share a little secret with you, my friend. Wherever you go, there you are.


D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

It would be hard to get any further from useless than I am. Picture me standing here, and useless standing in China. You have to dig a tunnel through the center of the earth to get to useless from where I'm standing. Opposite of useless.

I may have mentioned I graduated from Cornell. Class of '95. I may also have mentioned I am a successful paper salesman. What you might not know about me yet is that I am also a singer, a player of stringed instruments (banjo, sitar), and a connoisseur of world cuisine. I'm well-rounded. Not naming any names, but some have called me a Renaissance man.

The world cuisine was Benihana, and if anyone had ever called Andy a Renaissance man, they hadn't gone on record. But this was an admissions application. Tooting your own horn was expected, nay, demanded.


6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

No one had said anything about bribes. Andy's suitcase and messenger bag contained goodies meant only to share with choice acquaintances for auld lang syne. He didn't plan on breaking out the duty-free Jagermeister yet.

"You know what they say, teach a man to fish, he'll fish for life. How about this: one banjo lesson, absolutely free of charge, courtesy of yours truly."


((Posted with the approval and encouragement of the Office muns))

I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. AB
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them.AB.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. AB.
One day, marmalade will rule the world.AB

Comments

[soggynotecards.livejournal.com]

Demyx was, against his better judgment because jeez, did this guy sound like what he himself would probably call a dweeb, interested. "You play the sitar?"

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

"Shyeah." The noise Andy made might best be described as a ... scoff? "I mean, okay, I don't have the sitar with me, but I totally play. Christmas songs, naughty nursery rhymes, whatever tickles your fancy."

[woocha.livejournal.com]

Nooooooo, it's a Dictaquill! It writes down what you say!

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

"It's a dick quill? Ha, that's a good name for it. Call me when they make version 2.0." Andy was addressing whatever guy was talking to him. He assumed it was someone he couldn't see. Probably the guy who owned this dog that just walked up to him.

[charlesofdensen.livejournal.com]

"Nard dog?" Ofdensen was far from impressed.

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

"Ye-up. Andy Ber-nard. The Nard Dog." Andy couldn't believe he had to clarify his awesome nickname.

[vislor-turlough.livejournal.com]

"You know, saying you're from some school does not make you impressive." Turlough was in a bit of a pissy mood, the courts had delayed his divorce hearing, and rumor has it that they do not want to cross the sorting hat again.

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

"Aaaaand saying you're a douche does not make you impressive. Carrot-top called, he wants his hair back." Andy was getting his no you di'int on. This was at least preferable to getting his punching a hole in the wall on. Especially since the walls here, unlike the walls of the Dunder Mifflin office, were made of stone.

[gourmetchairman.livejournal.com]

"Connoisseur of world cuisine?" Kaga asked with an arched eyebrow. This new applicant didn't look like much, but he's been surprised before.

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

A huge grin creased Andy's blockish face.

"Check it out, the sushi guy from Benihana! How're those girls doing?"

[bone-not-rock.livejournal.com]

Okay, Montana State University wasn't exactly Cornell, but while Billy had gone on to get a PhD (and his ass chewed by dinosaurs), Andy was a paper salesman. So there, Ivy boy.

"Hey," Billy said. Long out of school himself, Billy still looked like a college kid, like the laid-back frat brother of the prepster in front of him. "Don't get freaked out by the quill. It's just gonna get weirder from here on out."

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

"Who, me?" Andy's denial was not likely to be very convincing, but he didn't know that. "Nah, I'm not freaked out. Just annoyed. In Quill 2.0 there better be spellcheck, or I'm still sticking with the classic ballpoint. On the plus side, me likey the firewhiskey."

[omg-sunflora.livejournal.com]

"You sing! I dance!"

[elfkameo.livejournal.com]

"I don't know if that's safe; he sounds crazy," Kameo commented, looking down at the animated flower. Hey, it's no weirder than Pummel Weed, and a lot more cute.

[beets-r-god.livejournal.com]

"Fact," Dwight said by way of greeting. "No one cares that you are regional manager in charge of sales except in your deluded little mind, and even if they did, I still outrank you. Also, the Order of the Phoenix wouldn't take you anyway. We're... much more selective about our membership." Dwight gazed fondly at his lapel pin, which he always wore, which proudly proclaimed him a member of said organization.

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

"Dwight! My main man!" In Andy's mind, he and Dwight were now compadres. He had no reason to think Dwight saw things any differently. They'd bonded in the wake of their epic duel, and Dwight had even offered to give him first dibs on the hot new receptionist. "How's it hangin'?"

[fields-4ever.livejournal.com]

It was the tie that won Fields over in the end. The incident with the Dictaquill was a point against him, but a guy daring enough to clash his shirt with his tie might have hidden complexities, under that brash exterior.

Fields was still a bit naive in her choice in men.

"Sky Mall is that catalogue they stuff in airplane seat backs, isn't it?" she asked with a cute smile. "You must travel a lot."

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

That was a cute smile indeed, and she wore it well. Andy prepared to turn on the Nard Dog charm.

"Occasionally my line of work requires me to travel," he confirmed. Indeed, he had made a business trip that involved air travel. Once. To Canada. With Michael and Oscar. Flying in coach. "Probably a lot less than yours does. I mean, let me guess -- you're a model, right?"

And he offered his most dazzling smile, showing off a lifetime of good dental care and expensive orthodontia to its best advantage.

"I'm Andy Bernard."

[elegantsamurai.livejournal.com]

((after he met Kaga in the forest ;) ))

It wasn't every day that Yukimura had the opportunity to deliberately mess with someone's head. There were times he had the opportunity incidentally, but deliberately was another story all together. He wore a gorgeous red kimono (http://www.ichiroya.com/item/list3/167174/) with a blue obi (http://www.ichiroya.com/item/list3/907777/). He entered the Sorting room quietly, waiting to be noticed, his eyes carefully down, playing the maiden to the fullest extent of the game.

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

Benihana waitresses didn't wear red kimonos, they wore fetching tan uniforms. From this, Andy's advanced skills of deduction told him that the knockout Japanese dame was not a Benihana waitress.

She had to be a geisha.

He tried to make eye contact with her, the way he'd do across a crowded bar. Though he wasn't sure, would a geisha be drinking too, or would she be serving the drinks? And with this geisha continually looking down, he couldn't catch her eye. So finally he came right over.

"Is there something on the floor I can help you find? Dropped your contact?"

[damien-thorn.livejournal.com]

"I hope you aren't coming to kill us all, like the last individual (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1820460.html#cutid1) who came in waving his degree around," Damien said. He was doing preppy from when it was cool the first time around, and in fact was blissfully aware that it had ever gone out of style. As the captain of Oxford's polo and rugby teams, he knew a thing or two about expensive sporting equipment and kicking the shit out of people in the name of healthy competition. The Son of Satan had a bit in common with a paper salesman.

"You don't happen to know the name Michael Scott, do you?"

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

Andy chuckled. "I come in peace! Also, I can't wave my degree around. It's hanging on a wall in my apartment. Which is back in Scranton. And yeah, I know Michael Scott pret---ty well."

[adm-zex.livejournal.com]

A new arrival! Zex showed up to welcome the newcomer. He skimmed the application, though little made sense to him.

"Hello!" The green creature's male voice contrasted oddly with his red bow. "You're new to Hogwarts- do you know we have hot-tubs here? They encourage diversity, I think.

This sky mall- is it part of a ship? So few people are from the age of space travel here, I'd love to meet some who were closer to my own time."

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

Whoa, animatronic alien dude. For a magic school (which Andy took to mean stage magicianship -- like a clown college, except for magicians and not clowns), this place must have one impressive budget.

"Don't you want me to take you to my leader?" he prompted the alien. He had certain culturally-formed expectations of aliens.

[republikatt.livejournal.com]

Bucky snorted. Andy had spoken two of the four words that were guaranteed to get Bucky's attention. "More like getting evening fleas from nerd dogs. Gimme fish."

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

Awww, another animatronic animal. Andy had gotten past the initial wtf reaction with Wishbone, and now thought all the talking animals were animatronic. That meant he wasn't, you know, seeing things that couldn't really be there.

"No, not nerd dog, the Nard Dog. The Nard Dog is me. Andy Ber-nard, get it?"

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

Andy's singing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfJ4SDRNvy8) was actually pretty good. Inadvertently comic, at times, especially when he broke out the falsetto. But definitely up to the standards of your average highly selective a cappella group, such as his beloved Here Comes Treble.

He cocked his head at the guy with the problem. "Yeah? Weeeellll, maybe the dead would like the occasional wakening. Must get boring, just layin' in a grave, thinking about your life, thinking about how you can't ever get out of your grave ... dude, this is really depressing. What's wrong with you?"

[the-office-pam.livejournal.com]

It was always good to see a familiar face, but it was a testament to how lonely Pam felt after Jim's popcornination that she was actually rather excited to see this particular familiar face.

"Hey, Andy! I, um, think I'm going to pass on the banjo lesson. But I'll vote you into a House. I heard Gryffindor is the hardest to get into."

Being taken from a sort of fuzzy point somewhere in Season 3 (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1301075.html), Pam hadn't known Andy for that long, but you didn't have to know Andy long to understand some of the major things that made him tick. And she had decided to steer him toward Gryffindor for a couple of reasons -- namely, because she didn't like Andy enough to want him in her House, but she didn't dislike him enough to want him in Michael and Dwight's House. She supposed she could have gone with Ravenclaw, but she figured that Gryffindor, without a notorious bar in its Common Room, was a safer bet.

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

"Pam-a-lam-a-ding-dong!" Andy totally wanted to give her a big hug. It would be kind of awkward with the banjo strapped to his back, but he decided to try anyway. Gingerly. So as not to disrupt the Li'l Tuna cradled within her womb.

Being a couple seasons ahead of Pam, he knew her fairly well, but thought he knew her even better than he did. That part had less to do with being a few seasons ahead, and more to do with the nature of Andy.

"Is it great to see you, or what? Took me forever to get here. That train they put you on? All they serve is weird candy. I'm dying for some real food, but the guy from Benihana got all pissy and left. So, Gryffindor, huh? Most selective?" Andy rounded the o in most for special emphasis. "Sounds like a good place for the Nard Dog. You know what they say about Cornell, easiest Ivy to get into, hardest to get out of!" Yeah, there was actually very little connection between Gryffindor and Cornell, except in Andy's head. "What are their colors?"

[office-michael.livejournal.com]

Andy's application absolutely rubbed Michael the right way. There was something about this guy's style that Michael liked. Perhaps it was the use of the word "amigo," signaling that Andy, like Michael, was a lover of diversity. Maybe it was the highly familiar and comforting use of a lot of words to say a lot of nothing. Or maybe it was the mention of Sky Mall, which, as far as Michael was concerned, was one of the best parts of flying. Not that he had flown very often before coming to Hogwarts, and certainly not after (his summertime pride tour had been all road trip, baybee!), but when he had flown the friendly skies, he had definitely enjoyed his perusal through Sky Mall. It always served as a reminder that his own ideas, like the toilet buddy (formerly known as the toilet guard, a net that prevents one's wallet and loose change from falling into the toilet) and the toilet sponge (a hollowed-out sponge that is softer and more absorbent than toilet paper), were highly marketable and needed to be pursued to their fullest.

Whatever it was, Michael liked this guy. And apparently he was a fellow Dunder-Mifflinite! Having arrived at Hogwarts at the end of Season 2 (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/914269.html), he had no idea who Andy was, so he simply figured he was either from another branch or someone who was hired during the time since Michael had moved from Scranton to Hogsmeade.

"Helllll~oooooo!" he trilled in the style of Jerry Seinfeld's girlfriend Clare's belly button, hand outstretched toward Andy. "You must be a new transfer! Welcome to Hogwarts! I'm Michael Scott, regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Scranton and Dunder-Mifflin Hogsmeade." It had never struck Michael as ludicrous that he was still managing the Scranton branch despite being absent from it for years. Then again, very few ludicrous things struck Michael as ludicrous. "I'm also prefect of Slytherin house and regional manager of GLAAD Hogwarts! VELLcome to ourrrr HUMble aBODE!" His speech took on an accent that was a cross between Zsa Zsa Gabor and Count von Count (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Count_von_Count). "Ve arrrre deLIGHTed to haff you here! You must be the new Jim Halpert. Von new office trrrransfer, AH HA HA HA HA!"

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

Michael's warm welcome heartened Andy, in every way except that Michael apparently didn't recognize him. It had to be a joke, right? Andy's options were to panic or to play along. He chose the latter.

"Von Andy Bernard, charmed to meet von Michael Scott, AH HA HA!" Mirroring. Worked like a charm. "How are you doo-ink zis fine day? Zo heppy to meet vit you, Michael!"

[meh-feet.livejournal.com]

As related to their... previous discussion, Rin walked over, wearing a portfolio at her right hip. She darted her left foot into the portfolio, and handed Andy a book entitled They Should Have A Word For It.

"Wabi and the related concept of Sabi are in the chapter on artistic concepts," she says. "Very good book. In general. Suggest you also read entry on 'Kohele.' ...Not a Japanese word. Yiddish. Useful."

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

Readily Andy accepted the offered book. "Wow. How do you even do that with your feet? You're like some kind of magical Japanese flamingo!"

[scouts-dishonor.livejournal.com]

"Yo, prettyboy, you know what's going on here?" The Scout had pulled a baseball from his bag and was bouncing it off his bat, punctuating his question with an annoying thunk thunk thunk.

It was scary to think that if Andy met the eligibility criteria for Hogwarts, the Scout did, too.

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

"What's going on here," replied Andy, "is an admissions application and interview process. Highly selective."

The form of address disturbed him not at all. In fact, secretly it flattered Andy to be called a pretty boy.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Kuronue - nigh 7 feet, wings and all - was getting bored waiting, so he figured wandering over to the other applicants might be amusing. He had to quell his impatience somehow. Andy caught his eye because he was so...human it hurt.

He was grimacing by the time he finished looking over his application. "Nard Dog?"

Just...what?

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Nard dog, huh?" mused the hat. "I believe a student named Lezard Valeth can make those grow. (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1740890.html) You should contact him and ask him for nard dog seeds! I believe that particular breed is known for its intelligence and its stunning good looks!"

[bigredbernard.livejournal.com]

"Talking hat! Whoa." Andy was somewhat surprised, but only somewhat. He was pretty sure that the Cornell robotics team could build one of these, for sure. Plus, it was a magic school (for stage magicians, he still believed), so all kinds of special effects should be possible. "Waaait a minute. You're telling me Dw -- uh, 'Lezard' also breeds dogs? Under his nom de sexy?"

Ravenclaw!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Ravenclaw!