Application for Ursula: The Little Mermaid

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

With a wet, drawn out squelch, Ursula entered the sorting room. "The travel arrangements leave something to be desired," she groused. The room was empty except for the table and quill, and that simply wouldn't do.

"You there! Ugly!" she cried, snapping her fingers at a house elf passing by. "I want some shrimp, raw, and something to sit in. Do you want me to dry up?" She could survive out of water, but dehydration lead to wrinkles. The house elf went off to find the biggest kiddie pool ever, and Ursula settled her tentacles under herself and read the application over.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Cows don't do so well under water, sweetie," she said. "And cheese from ships usually doesn't survive the trip below." The sea witch had noticed the quill writing down her words.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Whoever I feel like," she muttered, then said in her full voice, "Me? Killing? Oh, I'm so shocked? I would never kill an innocent being." And who was innocent? Sinning was in these days.

3. What time is it where you are?
"Time to live a little," she said with a smirk.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Give me a volunteer, and I'll be happy to help you." The suggestion in that arched eyebrow was unmistakable. "I like tall, dark, and handsome, and without an exoskeleton if possible."

Tolerance for hickeys was a must, too.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Would you like to try a potion mixed by me? I promise that I can mix up a stronger punch than any old alcohol could give you."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Harry needs to find out which one has the best life insurance policy. How is it Harry's fault if poor George meets an unfortunate end? Then he and Fred can squander the ill-gotten inheritance in style. I don't need any mythology for that, darling. It's called life."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Ursula rolled her eyes. "Why should your problems be my problems?"

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
"I have a bit of talent for spells and potions. I was, I hate to admit, a bit of a wild child." She held her hand to her bosom in mock shame. "But now I've seen the light, and I use my powers to help the poor souls who need my assistance. I don't work for free, of course. A girl's got to eat. So I barter for some trifling payment in exchange for my magic."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"I could, I suppose, make a potion. I can make a being prettier, skinnier, or even change minor details like species. I just need the right ingredients.

"I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Ursula____________
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Ursula___________.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. Ursula___________.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. Of course, darling."

Comments

[omg-sunflora.livejournal.com]

"EEEEK HALF HUMAN HALF OCTILLERY!"

Except, you know. As a water creature, technically Ursula is weak against Sunflora.

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

"And it's a talking plant. What's you're point?" she asked, leaning over to get a better look at Sunflora. "And not even a pretty one at that."

[nordic-stoic.livejournal.com]

"S'not nice ly'n'. M'ke up y'r mind. W'll you kill or not?"

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

She examined her nails. "It's not nice to mumble, sugar. It's rude."

[vislor-turlough.livejournal.com]

"That did not answer the question. What would you name your bar?"

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

Ursula gave Turlough an appraising look. "Why should I bother naming it if nobody's brave enough to drink at it? What about you? Are you game?"

[soggynotecards.livejournal.com]

Demyx looked at her oddly, and not just because she was a large octopus-woman. "Have I seen you somewhere before?"

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

"Doubtful, honey," she said, "unless you've got gills somewhere I don't care to know about."

[lady-thujone.livejournal.com]

Someone claiming to be able to deliver a stronger potion than La Fee Verte? This means war!

"" she purred in a voice as sweet as antifreeze.

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

"I'm sure some bars can try." She folded her tentacles in front of her, giving the impression that she was crossing her arms. "Let me guess. A barmaid?"

[hopalongmcgurk.livejournal.com]

This tentacled creature is obviously a woman after my own heart.

"Potions are fun," I agree with a smile. "But I'm sorry you're not likely to find anyone who wants to be prettier or skinnier here. Everyone already is, and those of us who aren't... well, we generally make up for it in personality." I make her a slight bow. "I'm Oly Binewski. Welcome to Hogwarts."

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

Ursula bent down over her tentacles to get a better look at the hunchback dwarf. "Well, Oly," she purred, "that's all fine and good. I suppose that I'm here for those who don't have your level of self esteem. You've never wanted to try it out?" she asked as if it was idle curiosity.

[steff-is-a-girl.livejournal.com]

Steff was in a self-destructive mood. This happened to her occasionally, and usually meant that she left a trail of mayhem in her wake.

Now she regarded the sea witch with an inscrutable expression, arms folded across her chest. "So." she said when she'd finished the app. "You could make a potion and turn me into a 'real girl'?" She made the air quotes with her fingers on the last two words. Her tone dripped venom and sarcasm, much of which was self-directed, not that Ursula would know that. "What kind of price would you ask? My soul? My first-born?" In Steff's current mood, whatever price it was, she'd probably pay it.

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

A potential victim! How lovely. Ursula hoisted herself closer to Steff. "I can make a potion to make you whatever you want," she said sweetly. "If you want to be a 'real girl,' as you put it, then I can do that. You'll find my prices are much more reasonable than first born children. Goodness, I've helped so many people that I wouldn't know what to do with the brats if I was taking them."

She slid a tentacle around Steff's shoulders. "You're so angry, honey. Why don't you let me help you do something about it."

[adm-zex.livejournal.com]

Zex read afew questions on the application, but was more fascinated by the applicant. "Are you a human?" A human with tentacles was almost too fascinating to be believed.
"Some species with exoskeletons can be quite attractive, you know." A few tentacles waved cheerfully at her.

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

"Ugh." She made a disgusted face. "Human? No. Those ugly little things? Their legs look ridiculous." Ursula looked Zex over. "I learned a long time ago that I want my men with a spine in them, in more ways than one."

[igorofmalaria.livejournal.com]

The octopus woman monster looked- very well constructed, though he couldn't tell what her weapons capabilities were.
Igor studied the application, and in a fit of classic bad judgement asked "If you're a potions expert, could you retro-engineer a potion for me? I have a sample, but I don't know how to magically recreate it by myself."

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

"I don't think I've ever had that request," she mused. An already existing potion meant that she couldn't take something from this strange little man. "What does this potion do?"

[iam-beowulf.livejournal.com]

((I'm sure you expected this.))

Beowulf took one look at the tentacled femme fatale and was immediately smitten.

He went down on one knee, and proclaimed to her boldly: "I AM BEOWULF!"

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

"You certainly are," she said. Human's were too short in the leg department to be attractive, but she'd take adoration in any form it came in. Ursula squished over to him. "Tell me, what's a man like you doing in a place like this?"

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

The Baron Vladimir Harkonnen had actually left the Muggle Studies wing for a change, and glanced in the Sorting Room as he passed by. He had to do a double take. . . yes, that was indeed an octopus-woman-thing. And one who looked almost as decadent and indulgent as himself, although, an octopus. This was so strange he couldn't resist floating in to look at her application. He actually burst out in deep, rumbling laughter a few times while looking through the app, his immense mass shaking in his suspensors. Whatever this octopus-woman-thing was, he could appreciate her sense of humor, and sensed that she might even have a brain. She seemed to have some understanding of the nature of power and doing business, at least, even if she was going on about magic and potions. Those sorts of things were effective enough here.

He drifted over to Ursula, greeting her with one of his strangely cherubic smiles that so contrasted the glint in his eyes. "Welcome to Hogwarts. This unfortunate tedium is called 'Sorting'." He figured she'd probably appreciate the explanation. "You get to suffer through a great deal of people asking questions, mostly pointless and unnecessary ones. It becomes slightly more interesting. And from the looks of you, I expect you'd be pleased to know there is a very nice lake outside. As, you're stuck here for the time being."

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

At seeing the space between the man's feet and the floor, Ursula's eyebrows went up in appreciation. Where could she get a device like that? Moving around on these stone floors was going to lead to one hell of a friction burn.

"People asking pointless questions?" she said in her husky voice. "Then it's almost like I never left home. Or that stupid people are everywhere, which is more likely."

[pixie-jenks.livejournal.com]

Jenks zipped into the sorting room, "Turn me! Smells like a salt bog in here!" He buzzed around the odd looking half-human. "New arrival huh?" The pixie circled the application, scanning it over.

"So what kind of payment do you look for in return for these potions?"

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

She was tempted to swat him out of the air with a tentacle. "Nothing much, really," Ursula said, lying through a big grin. "I just need something personal to make the spell work. Maybe the ability to sing three octaves, or wink with both eyes. I always give it back when the terms of the spell are done, provided that the person follows the conditions I've given them. Magic's tricky, and there are rules to follow."

[elfkameo.livejournal.com]

It...looked like a female Deep Blue. Except, she could talk, and was just creepier in general.

One of the answers got Kameo's attention, and she smirked. "You can make people more attractive? What about yourself, or me?" the elf suggested. Ursula was...ugly. So, why hadn't she changed herself with a potion? Similarly, Kameo would like to be prettier, even though the elf had an excellent body already. Maybe if her breasts were larger, or her legs more stunning...maybe a tan? She scratched her head idly, waiting for a response.

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and different species have different eyes," she said with a dark tone and a glare. "But if you'd like a demonstration, one might be arranged. Get me another of those funny little men, and I'll show you." Ursula meant the house elves. She hadn't come prepared with her full inventory of ingredients.

[thranduils-son.livejournal.com]

The sea witch's treatment of the house elves certainly didn't win her any favour with Legolas, her application answers even less so. But regardless of that, he was curious enough about her to at least speak with her before deciding on his vote.

"What could you offer to those of us who have no desire for potions or elixirs?"

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

"A little wave as you leave." She waved a tentacle nonchalantly. "I can't please everyone, so why bother trying? This is what I've got. If you don't like it, I won't lose any sleep over it." She might lose some sleep over Legolas, though. With a few extra legs, he'd be dreamy.

[gotcake.livejournal.com]

"You are not human," GLaDOS noted. Since her normal sorting method was "human" and "me", this was less statement of the obvious and more an acknowledgement of...well, the obvious. "You appear to be cephelopodic. Are you a genetic crossbreed?"

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

"No, I'm a sea witch," she said crossly, as if that explained everything. "I'm the best parts of a human, with enough legs to go around."

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

"Why hello there," said Valentine with one of his trademark crimson smiles. "I do believe that I would simply adore to try a potion. Potions are something of a hobby of mine, as well. By the by, those tentacles are a marvelous look on you."

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

"Thank you, darling," she said, returning his smile with a toothy grin. "And it's not everyone who can wear red lipstick like you can." Who didn't love a red lip? "I've been trying to get my hands on some quality ingredients. What does a girl have to do to get her hands on a cauldron around here?"

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"What do you think?" the hat asked as it settled atop Ursula's head. "Do I need a potion to be a prettier hat?" Its tone implied that there was a right answer to this question.

[stickyseabitch.livejournal.com]

There was a right answer, and then there was Ursula's answer. The Hat just didn't know it was the right answer yet. "Absolutely," she said. "It's a miracle you're managing to get by at all."

Bitchiwitch!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

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