::Closed RP for L and A::

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

As implicitly as A trusted Kusuriyuri and Kurama, he hoped fervently that they were wrong this time. L, not wanting him to learn to defend himself? Thinking he couldn't be trusted with the knowledge to keep himself safe?

He hadn't been this upset in a long time, and he knew this would be difficult and unpleasant... but he had to know. He sent an owl to L.

I would like to talk, if it is a good time for you. Could you join me in my room for tea? There will be cake.
A

Comments

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

The promise of cake was enough to draw L from his rooms. Rather than reply, since it was a good time, L went to A's room, tapping on the door. He was curious as to what A wished to discuss, but that A wished his presence was sufficient.

He tapped on the door. "It's me," he said.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

A was smiling anxiously as he opened the door, and he was conciously trying not to wring his hands. As promised, he had laid out tea and a strawberry angel food cake.

"Thank you for, for coming. I, would, would you sit down and have some cake?"

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L looked at A quizzically. It was normal for A to be anxious, but somehow he seemed more so now. Given that his note had said he wanted to talk, though, he decided it was to be expected and entered, perching near the table and held a hand out for the cats to inspect and pet them with. "Thank you," he said simply, looking at A, the thumb of his other hand pressed to his lip.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

Einstein and Schrodinger were certainly aware of the tense atmosphere, but they were still pleased to greet their friend, and they nuzzled his hand contentedly as A took a seat, fidgeting nervously.

"I was, I, I was talking to Kusuriyuri and Kurama," he said in a low, quick voice. "About lessons."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L managed not to frown severely at the mention of the two demons. "Oh?" he asked, the hand near his mouth moving to pick up the fork between thumb and forefinger while his other hand pet the cats as demanded. "And?" he asked.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

He watched L's face closely, to try and read his expression as best he could.

"They think it, for, because of Karasu, they think I should learn more ways to defend myself."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

"They do?" he asked carefully. After he had told them both he didn't want A learning...

After they both told him they would do as they wanted.

How was he going to keep A safe?

Several recent conversations raced through his mind, the meeting, the argument with Mello, the comments Kurama had made, comments Kusuriyuri had made. Even his conversation with Simon.

"I see," he said, his voice perhaps colder than he intended it to be. "And what do you think?" he asked.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

Had he imagined that tone in L's voice? He wished, oh, oh, he wished he was better at reading people.

Schrodinger gave a vaguely distress mew and padded to A's side, and Einstein retreated to the neutral territory of the bed.

"I think, I, I think Karasu is dangerous," he said. "I think I need to know all I can to stop him, and, and, and to keep my friends safe."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

"And you really think this is the best option?" L asked. "As I understand it, Kusuriyuri's wards will stop him and defensive charms should be enough. Those are things you already have been working on."

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

It was true, then. L didn't want him to learn. A began to shake.

"There, if someone is trying to hurt me, trying to hurt my friends, there isn't an enough. I need to know all I can, to try my hardest to keep everyone safe."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L frowned. "And what happens if," he so very wanted to say 'when' but he was trying to be positive, " you panic? It isn't your responsibility to look after everyone," he added. It was his. He was L, after all.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"What if he hurts someone while I am there because I didn't know enough to stop him? What if he hurts River?" A's voice was shaking too, and badly.

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L was highly uncomfortable. He hadn't wanted to have this conversation. "And if you hurt someone?" he asked. "Or if someone is hurt because of something you did?" He could feel B's knife again, only it felt much closer to his heart.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

His face going sickly-pale, A stared at L. L thought he would hurt someone. L didn't want him to learn to defend himself because he had no confidence in him.

"You, you, you think that I, you think..."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L looked away, his discomfort growing exponentially. "I..." he sighed. "It's more I'm worried, A," he finally said.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"Karasu wants to hurt me," A reminded him. "He touched my face."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L flinched. "I know," he said, his voice sullen. "I do not see the need to learn how to attack, though."

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"I won't, I, I, I won't," A wrapped his arms around himself, rocking in place, eyes tightly shut. "I won't let someone hurt me again."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

"The possibility of losing control must be examined," L said mechanically. He almost said something about Kusuriyuri saying A could be warded but closed his mouth on those words. The damn medicine peddler had also said he wouldn't do it.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

A opened his eyes again to stare at L in shock.

"You, you, you think... you think I can't be trusted, I, I, you think I'm not good enough!"

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

"I did not say that," L said, his tone sullen, bordering on stubborn.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"You think, you, you think I shouldn't learn to be safe, you think I'd be more dangerous than Karasu..." He gripped his upper arms, knuckles whitening. "You, you think I'm so dangerous it's worth me not being safe..."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

"What they," the word was almost an insult, "will be teaching you is highly dangerous," L said. "Do you really think you can handle that?"

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

A's eyes widened at the derogatory tone in L's voice. Kusuriyuri and Kurama had taught him so much, helped him so much, and L was, he was...

"It, it, it's too dangerous not to!" he reiterated. "I won't let him hurt me." He stared at L, desperately wanting the conversation to be different. "Don't, oh, oh, don't you want me to be safe?"

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L shifted uncomfortably, putting down the forgotten fork. "That goes without saying," he said. "But Karasu is not the only danger to consider."

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"I. I need to be able to protect myself against him or anyone else. There are bad people, people who are wrong, you know that, you're the one who stops them, it's why you were so important that..." A shivered again. "I can't stop them all, I can't make them not be, I need to be able to protect myself, and Kurama and Kusuriyuri are teaching me how."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L frowned. "I worked through others," he finally said. "I told the police where to be and what to look for. I did not seek out the problems myself, I solved them."

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"All but one of them," A snapped, angry enough to be vicious even with his idol. Schrodinger hopped into his lap, putting her paws on his chest and looking at his face with concern.

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L's frown turned to a scowl. "And that left me where?" he asked. "I'm sure you've heard the story from Mello or Near. Mello seems to delight in it."

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"Mello wanted me to know. Know what happened to That Yagami. Since you wouldn't let me hurt him. Mello wanted me to know all of it." A's face was almost blank, stricken, pale and cold. "So I would know he suffered for whatt he did to you."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

"Then you know the only reason I died is because I got involved," L said, his tone harsh. He knew better than to get personally involved in a case. He knew what the risks were and could be, and yet he had gotten involved. He still didn't understand his own reasoning behind that. What had changed in the years between his now and that time?

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"I have people I need to protect," A insisted, knowing how central detactment had always been to L, knowing that wasn't quite the case now. "Karasu won't decide not to go after me if I don't learn to protect myself. He won't leave my friends alone if I can't protect them."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L stood, his hands in his pockets. He could feel the rage wanting to boil over, but he knew enough not to let that out now. Kurama or Kusuriyuri would be his target since they were the ones who had corrupted A. "Then, if, after considering all the options, this is the choice you have made."

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"I need to learn," A stressed. "I, I, I know what can happen. What can happen if you're not strong enough, can't protect yourself enough." Thankfully, A didn't know the full extent of Karasu's attack on Kaga, or he'd be in full-out hysterics by now. "I can't, I, I, I can't expect anyone else to be there."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L's frown was more severe than he intended. "Then, that is the decision you have made," he said, quite unaware of how sharp his voice was. "Though," he couldn't stop himself from adding, "I wonder how much of that decision was pushed upon you by those demons."

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

A's breath rushed out of him as if that had been a physical blow, and Schrodinger cried out in alarm at the sudden way he went rigid, bringing Einstein running. He stared in horrified silence, overwhelmed by the venom in L's tone.

"They're my teachers," he insisted finally. "They, they, they want me to be strong. They think I should be able to protect myself, like I couldn't before."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L looked at the cats. Their reaction, more than A's, brought into focus just how harsh he had been. Guilt reared its ugly head. He looked away, turning to face the door. "You should be able to protect yourself," he said. "But, hexes should be enough," he added, a plea. Hexes were harder to lose control of.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"They weren't enough with B," A said bitterly. It was too important, too dangerous not to use every advantage he had. Didn't L understand that?

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

"You didn't know as many hexes with B," L said, knowing the argument was hollow. He looked at his feet. "I don't want to see you hurt," he added, his voice sullen, taking on the quality of a very young child who'd never been denied anything he wanted.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"That's why I need to know," A said quietly, sounding listless and defeated. "All I can. Everything I can, every, every advantage, every way I can keep myself safe. It, it, I can't say, I could be safer with this but I won't learn it."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

"Then, unless there was something else you wished to discuss, I'll leave. I do not want to distress you further." The words were stiff, still a child who'd never been denied.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

A fell silent, shivering. Schrodinger looked up at him with concern and tried headbutting the underside of his chin. When that failed, she leapt onto the table and hissed at L, tail fluffed out like a bottle-brush.

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L glanced at Schrodinger, sullen resentment building in his chest. A was supposed to be his here, his to protect, to teach, to keep safe. He hated to lose, hated this feeling of not being able to do anything. He turned and let himself out of the room, making sure the door was firmly closed behind him. He sighed, his shoulders sagging, exaggerating his slouch even more.. Where to go now?