Healing and progress ((Closed RP, Kusuriyuri, A))

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuiri is kneeling in his room. One could say he is meditating, but it does go slightly deeper and is less profound than that. He is preparing for his student to come by. Reiki can be draining over long periods of time, but there is much to do, much to repair and then correct so it does not return to such a state again.

The boy is showing progress, becoming less actively and less easily upset and nervous. He has not heard, yet, of signs of rebellion, of asserting his own will, but that should come in time.

He does not grudge his student the time or the energy. However, when reiki is no longer needed, he will be quite glad to avoid it for some time.

For now, though, he waits.

Comments

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

A has been finding the reiki sessions oddly intimidating, but clearly if Kusuryuri thinks it will be for the best it will, and it does seem to be helping.

He's never late, for a lesson or a healing session, and he's knocking now, ready for anything Kusuriyuri asks of him.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Rising, Kusuriyuri crosses the room silently, his geta by the door, his medicine case by the bed. "Welcome, please, come in," he says, as he does every day.

"How is my deshi today?" he asks as the door is closed.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"I..." He frowns a little.

"B spoke to me."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"Oh?" Kusuriyuri asks. "And?" He gestures to the couch, an artifact that had been in the room when he arrived and one he rarely used. "Sit, tell me, if you please," he encourages as he kneels again on the floor cushion.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

A takes a seat as instructed, looking clearly troubled.

"He was. Meek. Sad. Einstein ran up to him... I was so scared, so scared, but he only petted him. And..."

He looked even more upset.

"He said he was sorry."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"And? What does deshi think? Is he to believe the meek B? Is he to harbor anger? What shall you do?" he asks, his voice bland, offering no clear direction, only laying out choices. It is much better for A to make up his own mind, to reach his own conclusions.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"I... I can't believe him. Won't trust him. I, oh, oh, I don't want him near me, just don't want him near me at all."

Even if B is harmless, it's still B, after all, and A can hardly put aside all his memories.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

The answer is what Kusuriyuri expected, after all. "So, then, what shall you do? Avoid him? Withdraw when you see him? Assert yourself and tell him to leave? Seek out another so you are not alone?" Each choice is offered in the same tone, almost sounding as if Kusuriyuri doesn't care what A's answer is. He does, however, deeply, for it will reveal if this energy has been spent in vain or not.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"I would rather not be near him. If. If I could, I..."

He takes a deep breath. "I would not go somewhere if I knew he would be there, or not go alone. I, I told him, will tell him, that I don't want him near me, tell him to leave me alone, but if he won't, I'll go away again." A bows his head. "I ran, when he said he was sorry."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"But not before?" There is approval in his tone, slight, but there. "It is not something you anticipated from him, then."

And, now a challenge. "And before, when would you have run away?"

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"I would..." A looks at him, seeming almost frightened. "I would run when I saw him. Because..."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kindness through cruelty, perhaps, but he knows if he gets A to voice his own growth, he will see it, and will continue it. "Because?" he presses, his voice softening.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"Because of what he did. Because, what if he did it again? Touched me again, hurt me, oh, oh, so filthy, I don't want his filth on me, and, and I'd kill him before I'd see him hurt Schrodinger and Einstein, I would, I would!" His voice grows louder and shriller as he speaks, cracking on the last word.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

More used to these outbursts by provoking many of them, Kusuriyuri only blinks. "Is A filthy, though?" he asks.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"He made me so filthy," A whispers. "I want, I try, try to be clean."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

The answer is less emphatic than it had been, some progress. "What will it take for A to be clean?" Kusuriyuri asks for the first time.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"Will... can I ever be clean?" There are tears in A's eyes now. "I thought maybe... if I killed him, maybe... but L has said, it is wrong to kill, wrong if... but, but..."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri places his hand lightly on A's knee. "A can be clean if A wills it." He pauses a moment, "However, to begin, A must believe he may be clean." A matter of permission, not ability.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

He tries to breath the way L has taught him, soothed by the light touch.

"I... I need to think that I can?"

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"That is so," Kusuriyuri murmurs, nodding firmly. Belief being fundamental to the problem, and therefore to it's solution.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"I..." He frowns a little. "I am trying to believe."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"Belief that you can be clean leads to belief that you are allowed to be clean. If you do not believe, then you cannot be." Since A's conception of being 'filthy' is also based on his belief system, though he may not fully realize it, then so must his 'cleanliness' be based on it.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"I want to believe," he says firmly, taking more deep breaths. "It's hard, there was so much, so much..."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri shifts slightly so that he is more directly facing A. He places his other hand on A's knee. "So much what?" he prompts when it seems A will not continue without it.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"So much of his filth," A whispers. "So many times he touched me. Made me filthy, made me be filthy."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri thinks a moment. What A needs, then, is more ritual in basis. He knew several, but which would be appropriate would depend on how A's beliefs developed. "When you believe you are allowed to be clean, then we can determine what will make you clean," he says softly.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"I made him leave me alone," A whispers. "Made him stop. I. I'm getting rid of him."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"That is so. You did. Alone, you did," Kusuriyuri murmurs. Maybe A believes more than he's said.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"Not alone," A corrects. "L, and Matt, and Mello... it wasn't alone."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri raises an eyebrow. "Did they hold A's hand? Did they tell A what to do?" His tone was more amused than 'don't argue when you're wrong.'

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"It was. Was L and Matt who caught him. Tied him up. Not me. It was Mello who, who brought the things."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"Did they hold your hand when you acted? Were they there when you talked to B earlier? A does much more than A credits himself for."

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"I, I wanted to make him not be able to hurt me. His hands, I... it was so he couldn't hold me, wouldn't be stronger."

That it had succeeded on a much deeper level was a major plus.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"So, then, it was A who acted." He doesn't wait for an answer. "Does A see his growth? Can A see the truth?"

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"...I." There are tears in his eyes again, but A is smiling faintly as well. "I made him, made him stop."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri nods. "So. A made him stop. A has conquered B. B no longer holds power over A. Yes?"

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

A shivers again, and flinches. "Don't, don't want him around me. Don't want him touching Einstein again, don't want him touching Schrodinger."

If nothing else, B does have the power to make A acutely uncomfortable.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri moves his hand to A's hand. "A has made much progress. Time will complete it. Working will complete it. Healing will complete it."

When A calms again, they will begin.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

He's breathing raggedly, and shaking a little, but brings it under control.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I didn't mean to be..."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"It is not needed. You should not apologize for being yourself. You are making progress. You should see it."

Kusuriyuri moves back slightly. "When you are prepared."

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

A nods and takes a few more deep, slow breaths.

"I am ready," he says, and lies down.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri closes his eyes and takes a couple of centering breaths before holding his hands over A's body. The blockages along the periphery have not returned, to his relief. He moves in deeper, toward the core of A's being, toward the deepest and most stubborn of the knots. He allows his awareness to flow over it, finding some places tighter, some looser than when he'd been in the day before.

He begins at the edge of it, slowly opening, untangling. At times, it is as if he is fighting A himself about a particular thing, but he persists.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

A flinches occasionally; there's a strong sense of contact, after all, something he's overly sensitive to, that their earlier conversation had stirred up. But still, after the reflexive recoil he relaxes. He finds Kusuriyuri's presence soothing, and gradully he allows himself to float into a trance.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri can feel A relax, feel the fighting stop. Familiarity with reiki and A allows him to identify some of the components of the knots he is working with, the guilt, the pain, the fear. But, through them, he can also feel budding confidence.

After untangling as much as he is capable of this session, he reaches for that confidence, offering it nurturing and strength, encouraging it to grow.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

A's not consciously aware of what Kusuriyuri is doing, but he can feel the strength, feel it calling to his own tentative strength. He's still relaxed, inert, but he feels warmer, more as if he is resting than if he'd collapsed.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri withdraws very slowly, both to encourage A to continue to be relaxed and to reduce the sense of suddenly being alone. He eases himself back into his own skin and moves so he is sitting cross-legged, a sign of fatigue.

"Rest, deshi," he whispers, his eyes closed, his face perhaps a little pale.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

And A is resting, not quite asleep, but comfortable. He feels warm, his limbs pleasantly heavy. It reminds him a little of the lazy way Einstein sprawls in a sunbeam, and he smiles dreamily.