Patrick Bateman, American Psycho
Apr. 27th, 2008 07:47 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
in-doesntmatter.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
hh_mirrorPatrick looked at the paper in front of him before looking around the room itself. He didn't recall exactly how he ended up in the room or why, but he wouldn't show this. Maintaining his mechanical smile, Patrick carefully removed a pen from his breast pocket. Exhaling, he casually glanced around. He intended to pick up his sheets, blood stained at 400 thread count, not to be answering some sort of sociological survey that would no doubt try and classify him as something lower than he was.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Cheese is dairy and often leads to fatty deposits and clogged pores. I stay away from cheese.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I would kill them both, but in very different ways. I'd start by slowly cutting off that purple fucks tail, just to see him scream and maybe sing some child-like lullaby in agonizing pain. Plus, it'd be fun to see him lose balance. Carrottop? He's not worth the energy or wasted resources; a carefully aimed nail gun to the ear will suffice I don't know who Barney or Carrottop is. Someone like me doesn't have to kill anyone. I get what I want other ways.
3. What time is it where you are?
I was supposed to pick up my dry-cleaning at 4pm. I'm never late, so it must be 4.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Sexual harassment is so cliche'. I would start by ordering each and everyone to go down on each other in a circle. As they start to eat and devour each other, I'd order them, with quarter-inch screws and 1 1/4 inch stainless steel construction nails, to remove the skin of the person they're fucking.
Next question, please.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
I'd never bartend, but Pancha Club, uptown, is a great place to meet potential clients, potential one-nights, and potential victims. They also have great coke in the bathrooms.
B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Homosexuals should never, under any circumstance be able to marry. What next, legalized murder and fringe benefits for psychopathic murderers?
C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Because I am an official at P&P and have a penchant for Valentino suits and Oliver Peoples glasses. That's why I have paperwork.
D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
I've killed a lot of people. Some girls in the apartment uptown uh, some homeless people maybe 5 or 10 um an NYU girl I met in Central Park. I left her in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed Bethany, my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, and some man uh some old faggot with a dog last week. I killed another girl with a chainsaw, I had to, she almost got away and uh someone else there I can't remember maybe a model, but she's dead too. And Paul Allen. I killed Paul Allen with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Hell's Kitchen. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy.
I live in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
I can offer you some video tapes. I have a lot of video tapes I have to return. I'll give them to you.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _______PB_____
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____PB_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ______PB_____.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _______PB ______"
((This is Patrick Bateman. If you know him, it's to be expected, if not, WARNING. HE HAS VERY DETAILED, VIVID, VIOLENT inner-monologues which are represented in italics. He won't really kill anyone, just will think about it. A lot.))
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Cheese is dairy and often leads to fatty deposits and clogged pores. I stay away from cheese.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I would kill them both, but in very different ways. I'd start by slowly cutting off that purple fucks tail, just to see him scream and maybe sing some child-like lullaby in agonizing pain. Plus, it'd be fun to see him lose balance. Carrottop? He's not worth the energy or wasted resources; a carefully aimed nail gun to the ear will suffice I don't know who Barney or Carrottop is. Someone like me doesn't have to kill anyone. I get what I want other ways.
3. What time is it where you are?
I was supposed to pick up my dry-cleaning at 4pm. I'm never late, so it must be 4.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Sexual harassment is so cliche'. I would start by ordering each and everyone to go down on each other in a circle. As they start to eat and devour each other, I'd order them, with quarter-inch screws and 1 1/4 inch stainless steel construction nails, to remove the skin of the person they're fucking.
Next question, please.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
I'd never bartend, but Pancha Club, uptown, is a great place to meet potential clients, potential one-nights, and potential victims. They also have great coke in the bathrooms.
B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Homosexuals should never, under any circumstance be able to marry. What next, legalized murder and fringe benefits for psychopathic murderers?
C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Because I am an official at P&P and have a penchant for Valentino suits and Oliver Peoples glasses. That's why I have paperwork.
D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
I've killed a lot of people. Some girls in the apartment uptown uh, some homeless people maybe 5 or 10 um an NYU girl I met in Central Park. I left her in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed Bethany, my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, and some man uh some old faggot with a dog last week. I killed another girl with a chainsaw, I had to, she almost got away and uh someone else there I can't remember maybe a model, but she's dead too. And Paul Allen. I killed Paul Allen with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Hell's Kitchen. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy.
I live in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
I can offer you some video tapes. I have a lot of video tapes I have to return. I'll give them to you.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _______PB_____
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____PB_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ______PB_____.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _______PB ______"
((This is Patrick Bateman. If you know him, it's to be expected, if not, WARNING. HE HAS VERY DETAILED, VIVID, VIOLENT inner-monologues which are represented in italics. He won't really kill anyone, just will think about it. A lot.))
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no subject
Date: 2008-04-29 05:39 pm (UTC)"You aren't understanding. The apartments I live in are for people of high status. There is no need for 'upkeep' or 'maintenance' because I have people who do that for me. I pay, meaning with money, them to do it for me." I laugh at the silly statement he's made.
"My fortunes hardly need improving."
no subject
Date: 2008-04-29 05:42 pm (UTC)Really. This was almost pitiably sad.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-29 05:44 pm (UTC)"I say a few things about the uselessness of homosexuals and get hammered for it, and here you are endorsing slavery and are allowed to walk around, unscathed?" I shake my head in disbelief.
"Slavery has been illegal for a long, long time."
no subject
Date: 2008-04-29 05:57 pm (UTC)"People do not take kindly to criticism of their sexual practices," he informed Bateman. "The utility of homosexuality is certainly negligible. It is not a form of intercourse that can produce offspring for the state or for the family. Yet most people do not undertake sexual liaisons for strictly practical reasons. Love is an irrational attachment, as are the baser forces of attraction. If you criticize an irrational attachment, you should expect irrational responses. Slavery is a matter of economics. I do understand it is no longer practiced among humans, at least not openly. Here house-elves are instead enslaved. I understand now from your words that you are from a modern nation, probably one that has redistributed its wealth through innovations in social policy. Therefore your wealthy elite cannot be as wealthy, in relative terms, as they might otherwise have been. Hence your ... apartments. Do you consider this a good form of social order?"
Yes, Octavian genuinely wanted to know Patrick Bateman's thoughts on socioeconomic policy.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-30 12:14 am (UTC)"I always wonder how kids like you can still be intelligent." I took a moment to question what he was on. Cocaine, is my guess. "That's why I only keep it recreational. I admire those kids like you who, can do so many drugs- because it's clear you're under some sort of influence- and still remain functional." I smile at him friendly-enough.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-30 10:58 pm (UTC)"That's not an answer to my question," he pointed out. "Are you able to answer questions?"
no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 10:06 pm (UTC)I smile up at him friendly-enough. "You know, you being a homosexual and all, I thought you'd understand living in such close proximity of others. Isn't that the way your community lives?" I question seriously, but what I meant to say was sticking your cock in any other man that asks?.
"I'm ok with the apartments because they are in some of the most expensive property in the city and I get my privacy."
no subject
Date: 2008-05-07 05:44 am (UTC)"Accusations of drug abuse and homosexuality aren't particularly damning for a patrician," he pointed out. "Your barbs are missing the mark. I take it you are incapable either of advanced thought on the subject of your nation's economy, or of communicating such thought if you have it. Therefore we shan't waste more breath on question-and-answer. This leaves me with a dilemma. I don't think you ought to be squibbed, yet I don't think you're crafty enough for Slytherin, and you don't fit well in the other Houses. How does Sparklypoo or Bitchiwitch sound to you?"