hh_mirror

((OOC: topic is NWSF...not sure if the action will get there or not...))

Near is warm in my arms. I think he is still asleep. Or at least he hasn't moved yet. His head is on my chest. I want to savor this as long as I can. I don't want to wake him. When he wakes, I have to tell him what happened, what I meant to tell him yesterday.

Yesterday? Just yesterday...I still need to deck Ryuzaki. But, for Near to say...to say he loves me.

Is he going to hate me after I tell him? Is he really going to understand that I still need him? Will he understand that Matt basically told me it was a once-off? I don't want to think of that. I don't want to force their hands, but I really wish I could have both of them.

Maybe I am a selfish bastard.

But, they both give me something I need. Near gives me...a purpose, a reason. Love, if I dare whisper it. Matt is a constant...my...sidekick, as stupid as that is. Without him, I think I'd be more messed up than I am.

And I do know I'm messed up. I am aware of my temper, of my failings as a friend and as a person.

But, I wasn't raised to need those things where I lack. I wasn't raised to need pretty answers and control over my temper. I was raised to be brilliant and solve crimes and think above and beyond everyone else.

And none of that is going to help me figure out what to tell him.

I almost wish I didn't have to.

But, I promised Matt I would and if Near hears from Matt before he hears from me, everything I've worked so hard to get and keep will be gone.

So, when he wakes, I will tell him.