hh_mirror | Major Garland Briggs from Twin Peaks

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After a brief flash Garland found himself in a room not unlike a castle's great hall, at first unsure of how he had arrived there. Soon after the initial disorientation he remembered he had been out in the forest near Owl Cave just moments before with a group form the Air Force. Garland, being their best candidate as usual, had been selected for another test in an attempt to get to the White Lodge. Most of these tests so far had had minimal success.

He looked around the room and knew this wasn't the White Lodge; it had a distinctly different feel to it. However he also knew that this was another new place. As protocol stated he would do his best to retrieve whatever information was available and bring it back for further study.

Not knowing who was in charge, he began to introduce himself, "Greetings to all of you, I am Major Garland Briggs and would like to inquire as to where I am." He then noticed the old fashioned pen jotting down his words, and for lack of a better solution spoke to the pen as he saw the questions in front of him.

As he answers the questions, anyone watching him would have trouble detecting much emotion at all, from his face or from his tone.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"Now looking around at all you good people here I can clearly see this place has a quite different set of rules than what a military man such as myself is used to. That being said I shall do my best in answering these questions that have been set before me to the best of my ability. I would say my favorite cheese is most likely cheddar because of its versatility. Just like any good person, a good cheese should be able to respond to a number of challenging situations."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

"I could not cause harm to any being who had not indeed first harmed their fellow man in some way. Barney is a loveable character for young children and teaches them important lessons that, at that age, would be hard to teach through a simple parent-child dialogue. For that I could not see a reason to harm, let alone murder, this fictional dinosaur. "

"As for Carrottop, I could see in a certain sense that an argument could be made against him in regards to the harming of our modern society, but only in a purely aesthetic sense. And as art is very much in the eye of the beholder, any attack on the comedian would not be justified, for we cannot truly say what art is, correct?"

3. What time is it where you are?

Garland looked at his watch. "I'm afraid I would not know what time it is here. As for where I came from I am not one hundred percent positive I should voice that information. In the unlikely case that someone here meant to interfere with the work I have been doing it could clue them into what time zone we have been operating in." This is mind, the Major quickly dialed his watch back a few hours and then a few minutes, remembering how much he did so in order to tell the correct time should the need arise.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Garland's brow furrowed ever so slightly. "I do not have any recollection of the names you mentioned in the above question, nor do I recognize the name of the organization. Regardless of my own factual defecit in this new place I must propose that my answer would most likely be the same should the facts at some later date be presented to me. With that in mind I have to state that under any circumstances I, and every decent person where I am from, would find such a thing as sexual molestation extremely morally offensive, and would do what they must to make sure anyone who were to engage in such an activity would be punished to the full extent of the law."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"I cannoy say I've ever given such a question, or such a situation, much thought. I've been with the United States Air Force my over half my life now and while an oppurtunity could arise in which I may leave, for that oppurtunity to also coincide with this bar idea is quite doubtful indeed. But if I was in such a situation, I think a good name for my personal bar would be The White Lodge."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

"First and foremost I must state the despite my very Christian upbringing I see no issues with two men decided to enter into such a relationship with one another. With that in mind I put forth that under the law this could not possibly happen where I am from, and many people would frown upon it even if it were. If I were one of the men in this situation my first course of action would be to find another place to live in which this sort of union would be fully recognized. If wherever I have ended up now is such a place, I would suggest Harry decides who should be his husband solely on the merits of character. For in the long run that it was truly counts. I for one have been truly blessed with a wonderful wife. Despite my frequent long days at work, and our son Bobby's delinquent nature, she has still managed to keep our home and by extension the family that lives in it, in better order than I would have expected possible. I wish Harry the same luck that has been bestowed upon me."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"On my frequent trips to the Pentagon I would see innumerable desks stacked with piles and piles of paper, and in close proximity to these piles there were government workers who were doing absolutely nothing at all. I would propose a guess that many people may leave their desks messy on purpose for the sole reason of looking busy, when in all actual fact they are doing everything in their power to do as little work as possible. However I would not judge anyone's fiber of character on such a small fact unless it was in conjunction with a larger picture of the person's lack of work ethic."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

"After as long as I've been in the Air Force, the harder question would be to think up a situation in which I would be of no use at all. I can fly more planes than I have security clearance to mention, knowledge of most major religions, and am quite a good lateral thinker. I could say more but I am not inclined to boast, for only one who does not truly believe in his works and in his actions will feel the need to advertise himself to others. The accomplishments themselves are their own rewards."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

"Usually I would find such a request offensive and shameful, but as I still do not know what to base the moral code of this place on, I shall assume that bribes here are not thought of as an indiscretion but merely a gift. As such I will offer you what knowledge I am allowed to reveal, and I can probably fix any mechanical problems you have as well."

After answering the last questiong, he added, "I hope I have answered all your questions accurately and that the information there in is of use to you in some way." He waited patiently to see if someone would show up to give him some more information on where he was.

I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Major Garland Briggs
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Major Garland Briggs
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. Major Garland Briggs
One day, marmalade will rule the world. Major Garland Briggs

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

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"Circumlocutory speech is obfuscatory." A stuck the index and middle fingers of his right hand into his mouth up to the first knuckle, gnawing on them.

From:

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Garland nodded in greeting, "I am aware that I have a tendenct to maybe overexplain or overembellish that which could possibly be more simply stated. However because of the intense mental strain I have undergone through years of classified government operations I have found this way speaking to be much easier and much more natural. I'm sorry if this should pose a problem to you but my manner of speech is just as much a part of me as any part of my anatomy."

From:

i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com

"Classified, class-i-fied," A sing-songed around his fingertips. "Yes, yes, the secrets, the secrets that change you. They don't understand that here, they don't they don't they don't. Don't understand about experiments."

Major Garland Briggs from Twin Peaks

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