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Henry was about as computer illiterate as it was possible to be. He'd had it all explained to him, but he knew he wouldn't actually understand it until he saw it happen. (And even then, one never knew; this was a man who hadn't known there had been a moon landing until he was twenty years old.)

He had to admit that the little outfits were...cute, in a very, very humiliating sort of way, and Camilla certainly seemed to be enjoying finding them. For perhaps the first time in his life, Bunny Corcoran was actually making someone happy. The novelty of it was not lost on Henry at all.

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Ron made his way to where he promised to meet Camilla and help her with her hamster videos. He was a bit flummoxed by how enthusiastic she seemed to be about Mr. Whiskers (he's only seen something similar with the Persian Ruby, or with the case of the Sullied Sow. Well, actually, it was nothing like the latter. Let's not start any slander here, Weasley!), and he was feeling a little bit guilty himself.

Unbeknown to Camilla (he assumed), his true motivation towards helping her was not selfless at all. Really, he was going to use the attention and excitement surrounding Mr. Whiskers to root out the furries. From Ron's understanding, the people who were most likely to respond to their Vid-Deal would be one of their kind. But would that make Camilla... No. He didn't want to think about that!

"Hullo!" Ron announced as he knocked on the door. "It's me, Ron!"

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Camilla went to answer. "Thanks so much for coming," she enthused, letting him into what she had privately begun to consider the Hamster Room. "Mister Whiskers is ready for his close-up. I think. As ready as he'll ever be. I'm not sure how photogenic he'll turn out, but hopefully better than Baron von Duplicity (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1512825.html?thread=76642169#t76642169)."

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Henry didn't know who Baron von Duplicity was, and wasn't sure he wanted to ask. He'd never met Ron before, and was surprised at how young he was. (It said something about him, that he could think someone Ron's age was young. Henry really did have the mind of an old philosopher in a young man's body.)

"So this will let people all over the Internet see him?" he asked. He didn't want to betray his complete ignorance of all things technological, but it was pretty evident anyway.

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"Are you joking?" Ron asked Camilla with good-natured surprise. "Baron von Duplicity is the ensemble dark horse, you know. I've been doing research, and the girls are completely nutters over him. I guess it's a girls and the bad boy thing." The redhead glanced over to Henry and then back at Camilla, and realized he could be offending the couple in one fell-swoop. "Not that all girls are like that, you know! Just... girls who are jolly for hammies. Or!" Ron stopped, remembering who he was talking to. "Girls who appreciate hamsters, but lack the perspective of a true hamster enthusiast."

Alright. Smooth as margarine. "But you should see the scenarios poor von Duplicity is put through. Everyone's mean to him, especially Spigglets, Madame Fuzzymittens falls in love. Once there was a story where he gets sent to hamster prison and-" He cleared his throat. "Uh, we don't have to go along that route, now. It was. Something." He turned to Henry and held out a hand. "Hello there, I'm Ron Weasley!"

And Ron Weasley was even less eager to show himself to be internet ignorant. "Oh, yeah. Everyone in the internet is going to see it. They won't be able to walk from one website to the other!" He looked at the large Habitrail and quirked a brow. Yes, Camilla (Cammy in his head) was intense.

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Known as Milly to her brother on occasion, Camilla didn't really tend to acquire nicknames. She would have tolerated with amusement Ron's new nickname for her, had she known or had he ever spoken it aloud. "I think Mister Whiskers ought to be unlucky in love. Maybe he pines after some unattainable female hamster? Like Madame Fuzzymittens, you know, the alpha hamster female type. And he can never impress her." Camilla wanted to humiliate Bunny, not to perpetuate some unholy monstrosity. Even for Bunny, a relationship between a hamster and a transfigured human would be going too far. And what would the offspring be like? No. Just no.

She'd entirely forgotten that Henry and Ron had never met, and inwardly chastised herself for omitting introductions. Fortunately, Ron blithely introduced himself, and Camilla expected Henry would then follow suit.

Edited Date: 2008-02-10 04:46 am (UTC)

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For all Henry knew, Ron was an internet genius, so he naturally deferred to the young man's superior knowledge. Henry might be brilliant in several fields, but he wasn't arrogant (or stupid) enough to pretend to know anything about something that was completely foreign to him. "Pleased to meet you," he said. "I'm Henry Winter, Camilla's husband." Husband. He liked that word. "What sort of embarrassing scenarios do you have in mind for our furry little friend here?" He glanced at the hamster, all black beady eyes and tiny furry paws.

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"Embarrassing?" Ron looked to Henry in confusion. He guessed that Henry wasn't buying into this whole hamster phase the same way Cammy was. He glanced over at Camilla to catch her reaction, but then let it go.

"Well, I've been thinking about what songs we can use. Really, I think Muggles first think of the song, and then set the scenario for it. There's a song by a Muggle called Johnny Cash called 'Hurt'. The blokes hurts himself to see if he can still feel. Not sure if it works or not, but it's a real tear-jerker. So, we can use that for Mister Whiskers. As for the story..."

The redhead scratched his head. "What props we got?" It was time to improvise.

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Camilla opened Bunny's miniature armoire (http://www.dollhousesandmore.com/product/DHM10805WT/fine_dollhouse_furniture.html) and drew out the little costumes on their little hangers. "These," she said, "and his various toys. We got him a little clear ball to run around in. He's got a mirror, too, but he seems afraid of himself."

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"How can we make a hamster work in anything like a 'tear jerker'?" Henry wanted to know. "They're small. And...furry." He had a hard time picturing Bunny-the-hamster in a Greek tragedy.

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"Yeah, you'd think." Ron answered Henry, already getting a little bit excited at the word 'furry'. He really was on the right track! Henry saw the connection, and the man was obviously a smart bloke. "But Muggles can go wild about these guys. There was one Vid-Deal I saw? I thought the hamster was just washing her paws."

He widened his eyes. "But according to the narrator, she was indulging in cocaine." He then nodded and looked into the wardrobe. "Alright, alright." It was business time. "How about... he's a dancer!" He pulls out the purple cape. "But he had a nasty slip, and now walks with a limp. And he's in love with his hamster nurse. Who, um, has a dark past. A dark baby eating past."

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Camilla snickered. Bunny -- no, no, don't slip and call him that -- "Mister Whiskers as a failed dancer? Oh, that's beautiful. What sort of dances do you think were his specialty? Rather elaborate ones, I guess, if he needed a purple cape. Maybe Mister Whiskers also has a dark baby-eating past. Don't all hamsters eat their babies? Or was that Latvians (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1512825.html)..."

She turned to Henry. "He likes you best -- you ought to be the one to get him out of the Habitrail. He runs away from me most of the time." Funny, that.

Edited Date: 2008-02-10 06:08 am (UTC)

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"He could be a failed flamenco dancer," Henry said, warming to the idea. "Or one who sustained serious injury through a tango mishap."

He opened one of the Habitrail's little plastic doors, reaching in and catching little hamster!Bunny. The little creature was so tiny--periodically, Henry had dark visions of crushing the hamster, though they were usually superseded by a completely secret opinion that the hamster was much too cute to squash.

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"Oh, Latvians are alright, Cammy," Ron slipped out. "Remember? Been there. If they ate all their babies, there wouldn't be a Latvia anymore. And that would be too bad because they are a clean, industrious people." Ron felt the need to defend the nation of Latvia.

Ron watched the hamster with some interest, but not a whole lot. He was never that into the critters (and after his experience with Scabbers, why would he?) and he didn't feel he had the guile to fake it. Ron's version of deception was really more like Ron times ten: RON!

"Right, right. And his old partner, she feels guilty, and he feels guilty for her guilt, so he's with her. Even though he loves hot nurse." Ron snapped his fingers. "Only it was sabotage the whole time. Revenge from a baby that was only half-eaten."

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It was then, listening to Ron spin his tale of hamster intrigue and guilt and revenge, that Camilla had an Idea.

"You know, hamsters all sort of look alike, don't they? Not all of them, I mean, but they're hard to tell apart if they do look similar. Maybe we ought to have Mister Whiskers play all the parts in this drama. He could have a little nurse hat to play the nurse. And then he could have his purple cape to be himself, the hideous failed flamenco dancer. And then we could pour some goop on him or something to represent his being the half-eaten baby."

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Henry rather liked the idea of making Mister Bunny Whiskers play every degrading little part. Somehow, the thought of hamster-Bunny the transvestite tickled him immensely--and there was precedent, after all, among the ancient Greeks. If one could look at it from the perspective of a brain-damaged four-year-old, it could well seem like a Greek tragedy.

"How would we get the goop off, though?" he asked. "I don't think I like the idea of trying to bathe a hamster." He'd never bathed an animal in his life, let alone something so small. It wasn't as though they could drown it, but it still sounded like a sticky proposition.

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Ron gave Henry's question careful consideration, and had his own Idea. "Make the goop edible, and then he'll eat it himself! Hamsters would eat just about anything."

He looked over to Camilla. "And I think that's a bloody good plan. This way we won't have so much of a technofest when we try to make it look like, you know, there's more than one hamster. Do you think we should make this a cross-over to Hamster Hotel? We can say that Mister Whiskers is a new, mysterious cast-member! That happens a lot in the stories."

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The little hamster, happily oblivious to the plans being built around him, stood in Henry's hand and blinked beady eyes. Camilla frowned at him. "I liked the idea of giving him a bath," she said. "He might not like it." Which was the whole point, really.

Bunny had never been what one would call tidy, anyway. Oh, his slovenly ways ...

Camilla considered Ron's idea. "There wouldn't be any legal problems with that, would there? To sort of cross-reference Mister Whiskers' story to Hamster Hotel? If he were really in Hamster Hotel, Baron von Duplicity would probably eat him alive. Figuratively, I mean, of course. Since Mister Whiskers is an adult hamster."

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True. Hamster!Bunny really would hate being bathed, which gave the idea a certain attraction--on the other hand, the thought of bathing Bunny Corcoran, in any form, was what some might call 'squicky'.

"Do adult hamsters ever eat each other?" he wondered aloud.

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"I don't really know about Muggle law," Ron admitted. "And less about hamster law. But I've been doing a lot of research, and it seems that having your hamster meet up with the Hamster Hotel hamsters is normal. It's all over the place, actually. Those hamsters really go nuts about it."

As for Henry's question: "Uh. Hmm." Ron thought to himself, and then said, "I don't think so. They might fight, though. I know they fight. Against bulimia, amongst other things."

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Camilla would have been highly squicked by the idea of anything to do with an unclothed human Bunny Corcoran. Bunny in a chiton made from bedsheets was traumatic enough. Hamster!Bunny, however, was naked all the time anyway, if you thought about it. Plus he was covered in fur. Plus he was a hamster.

"Chinchillas take dust baths. Maybe we ought to get Mister Whiskers a sandbox," she said thoughtfully. "But I think it'd be funny if he got drenched in water. That could be one of the episodes. 'Mister Whiskers Goes to the Beauty Parlor'. I don't think they do eat one another as adults," she agreed with Ron, "only the offspring. And Mister Whiskers can't have any offspring. It's one of the tragedies of his life as a failed flamenco dancer that no hamster woman would deign to bear his pups. Is that what baby hamsters are called? Pups?"

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Henry raised an eyebrow. "They fight bulimia?" he asked. "What, like the heroes in those comic-book things? Do they wear little red capes like what's-his-name?" Yes, Henry was backward enough to know who Superman was without actually knowing his name.

He considered this. "You know, a little red cape might just work on Mister Whiskers here. I wonder...Susan's friend Shaun, does he seeme like the sort who would be interested in comic books?" Maybe, if they had a consultant, they could dress hamster!Bunny up as this unnamed superhero.

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Ron was an unimposing lad, sometimes, and thus felt it was not his place to give advice on the very personal subject of hamster hygiene. That was not part of his purpose. That was not part of his art. That was not part of his PLAAAN-

The redhead shook his head viciously for a moment, and then let out a self-deprecating smile in case he got any stares. What was that about? Well, no bother. Bother. Bother.

"Not sure if they're called pups or not. From the stories I've read, their babies were called 'The Better Parts of Their Souls' and the 'Last Reminders of Her Beloved'. Which was a bit of a mouthful, so pups it should be. And I don't know much about comic books. That's a Muggle thing." Ron waved his hands in dismissal. "But what we do have in this school are superheroes, if you want to look in on that. We could set up an ad, and interview them for information, if you want to go all out. Much better than second-hand info, I'd bet."

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Camilla blinked.

She blinked many times. Her stone-gray eyes had gone improbably wide. She was staring at Mister Whiskers.

"They eat the 'better parts of their souls'?"

Well. That certainly made hamsters an apt choice for Bunny.

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Henry pondered the idea of interviewing a 'superhero'. It sounded absolutely appalling, though at the same time there was a certain morbid fascination in the thought. His knowledge of superheroes was almost nonexistant--just about the only thing he knew was that some of them wore capes. And tights. Neither sounded like something that would be worn by an engaging conversationalist.

"I think," he said, "someone who has read about superheroes ought to suffice." He paused. "We could make Mister Whiskers here a cannibalistic superhero." Hey, it could be like what a Greek myth would be if you beat it up and ran it through something as crass and plebian as a shopping mall.

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Ron was basically still thrown that Henry was that into research. He guessed he was more interested in the hamster hobby than he had first thought. The professor narrowed his eyes in suspicion. Now, if he started writing stories for Hamster Hotel... But no. Just looking at the man, Ron figured he was pretty intense. Maybe he just never went halfway.

"Hey, yeah. A cannibalistic superhero. He fills his stomach for justice!" Ron was unaware of this, but they were inventing what could have been a very popular 90s antihero. Numnums... to the X-TREME!!!

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"For justice," echoed Camilla, a little doubtful. Bunny? Doing anything for justice? Even as a fictionalized hamster, that stretched credibility! "Yes, we ought to talk to a superhero or two. You know, a consultant."

Mister Whiskers made a cheerful chittering noise.

"Don't tell me you like that idea?" she addressed the hamster.

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Henry watched the little furry creature. Trust Bunny to like the idea of being a cannibalistic superhero.

"Perhaps he simply likes the idea of eating his theoretical young," he said dryly. "Or eating in general." He paused, a rather terrible idea striking him. "You know," he said, "we could, at some point, turn him into the Grim Reaper."

It was a terrible thing to think, but Henry was somewhat irritated with Susan--or rather, with what Charles was doing to Susan, so far as poisoning her mind went. He'd run into her not long ago, and the change in her demeanor toward him was almost palpable--polite, reserved, and covertly hostile. He couldn't say a thing, either, without sounding either petty or...well, petty. "A Grim Squeaker."

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"Oi oi." Ron interjected, giving Henry a concerned look. "Let's not tempt anything, here. I can handle hamsters no problem, but do we really want to invite any Grims in this project?" The redhead spread his hands and shook his head. "They're death omens, and pretty good at their jobs. Poor Uncle Bilius," the redhead then muttered.

Ron also made a face at Henry's new name. If the puns don't kill them first...

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"Well, but whose death would be omened? Mister Whiskers looks pretty healthy to me." Not that Camilla would mind terribly if Mister Bunny Whiskers were to die. After all, she'd helped kill him once already. She couldn't let Ron know that, though, obviously; she couldn't be expected to wish any ill toward her beloved pet hamster. "Maybe he's a hamster serial killer and he simply dresses up as an angel of death. The way Baron von Duplicity dresses up as a ..." Well, a something. How best to describe Baron von Duplicity? A moustachio-twirling melodrama-style villain? "A Victorian gentleman," Camilla tried.

As a polite afterthought, she added: "And I'm very sorry to hear about your uncle Bilius." Looking properly sympathetic.

Edited Date: 2008-02-18 07:03 pm (UTC)

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It really was a horrible pun. Julian would have been appalled. Somehow, that leant it a certain appeal.

"A Jack the Ripper sort of thing?" he asked. Somehow, he could picture little hamster!Bunny killing little hamster prostitutes...he was putting a little too much thought into this, wasn't he?

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"Jack who?" Ron interjected, not up on Muggle crime classics. He solved a few cases on his travels, though, like the Case of the Sullied Sow and the Case of the Persian Ruby, but those weren't exactly historical in nature. "Anyways, no one's death is going to be omened! The last thing we need to do is to create a Grim Hamster. Then you could never get rid of 'em, they could sneak to you from anywhere!"

Ron knew of sneaky rodents.

"So, he's a serial killer, a failed dancer, a superhero, a baby-eater... Well, I do like the idea of dressing him up like the way Baron von Duplicity is. The girls seem to love him most of all."

He then gave Camilla a comforting smile. "Don't worry about it, Cammy, it was years back. Knowing this place, Uncle Bilius can also come back, anyway."

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Believe it or not, Camilla actually did feel somewhat comforted by the warmth of a Weasley smile, even though she didn't need much by way of comforting (not having been terribly concerned over the fate of Uncle Bilius. Condolences were only polite). "Well, that would be nice, wouldn't it? Unless the Grim left your uncle horribly disfigured," she amended. Sometimes her penchant for unexpected observations could overrule her native tact. "I'm sure that Mister Whiskers wouldn't ever hurt any of your uncles, only other hamsters. And he'll be kept far away from other hamsters because he's going to be playing all the roles in his own drama. So no one will get hurt. I would be a little worried if he became much of a fan favorite with women, though." Bunny Corcoran, hamster heartthrob?

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Henry cocked an eyebrow, wondering where the 'horribly disfigured' statement came from.

"There would indeed be something extremely wrong in the idea of Mister Whiskers here became the rodent equivalent of Casanova," he observed. "Particularly if it resulted in babies who would then be cannibalized." Even Henry realized that that wasn't the sort of thing they could film for their little show.

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