Blinking, I jerked back like he'd hit me. "You don't know a damn thing about my father," I whispered. "He died because of me."
I had never said those words out loud. I'd thought them plenty of times, but never given them voice. The second I did, though, a wave of grief and guilt washed over me and I bowed my head. "He died to save my life. So don't talk about him. You didn't know him." Neither had I.
"If you want to leave, then do it." My tone turned harsh, remote. Dad had been right. If Peter walked out that door, he had been right. "But don't think you're saving me or protecting me or any of that martyr shit I know you believe. You walk out that door, Peter, and I'm going to hurt worse than anything that might happen if you stay. Because, no matter what you think, I do love you. And I am trying. And I...I don't know what else to do." Taking a breath, I didn't raise my eyes. If he left, I didn't want to watch. "But if you want to leave, then go. Because I sure as hell don't want you here out of guilt or some sense of responsibility. I want you to want me like I do you."
And I thought I'd officially used up my quota of 'emotional vulnerability' for the month. Exhausted, I kept my head lowered, staring at the floor and blinking back tears.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2007-08-31 12:28 pm (UTC)I had never said those words out loud. I'd thought them plenty of times, but never given them voice. The second I did, though, a wave of grief and guilt washed over me and I bowed my head. "He died to save my life. So don't talk about him. You didn't know him." Neither had I.
"If you want to leave, then do it." My tone turned harsh, remote. Dad had been right. If Peter walked out that door, he had been right. "But don't think you're saving me or protecting me or any of that martyr shit I know you believe. You walk out that door, Peter, and I'm going to hurt worse than anything that might happen if you stay. Because, no matter what you think, I do love you. And I am trying. And I...I don't know what else to do." Taking a breath, I didn't raise my eyes. If he left, I didn't want to watch. "But if you want to leave, then go. Because I sure as hell don't want you here out of guilt or some sense of responsibility. I want you to want me like I do you."
And I thought I'd officially used up my quota of 'emotional vulnerability' for the month. Exhausted, I kept my head lowered, staring at the floor and blinking back tears.