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hh_mirror2007-05-24 11:37 pm
toujours-sirius.livejournal.com) wrote in hh_mirror2007-05-24 11:37 pm
Entry tags:
Open Your Eyes: Closed RP (Sirius, Lily, and Harry)
((Backdated to the morning after Sirius and Lily discovered Voldemort was back and got into a massive fight over it. There's still a Harry-Sirius socking RP I need to do in which Harry and Sirius discuss the aftermath of the fight and generally have some good godfather-godson time, but for now that will have to wait. This RP comes after that.
Oh, and beware teh emoness. It burns!))
The only reason Sirius had slept well was his good friend Firewhisky. Lily had apparently lost her mind, and the upshot was that he was now kicked out of their suite and possibly broken up with. More importantly, it scared the hell out of him that Lily was out and about the castle by herself, being angry and rash and probably not particularly careful even though Voldemort could be anywhere. It was exactly the reason she had wanted to confine Harry to Slythendor, and yet she couldn't take the same advice for herself. And there was nothing he could do about it, because everything he had tried had only made things worse.
But the Firewhisky had been able to go only so far. Not wanting to drink in front of Harry, Sirius had started in on a bottle after the both of them had finally gone to bed, and even then, there was only so much he had allowed himself to drink, because he needed to be alert in case something happened to Harry or Lily.
Eventually, he managed to fall asleep, and when he woke up, the first thing he did was send an owl to Lily, because that would be quicker, easier (especially considering she had said she would lock him out of their suite), and hopefully less damaging to their relationship. The owl bore the following note:
----
Lily,
Are you all right? Harry and I are fine. We are both still in Slythendor. No sign of Voldemort.
Are we still
Please let me know that you're okay. I love you.
-Sirius
----
Unfortunately, the owl returned, bearing his note. Which was not a good sign. Now feeling quite frantic, Sirius made sure Harry would stick around Slythendor for a while (an idea that was not so thrilling to Harry, but that he acquiesced to, simply because he felt bad for Sirius after the mess of the night before, and anyway he didn't have a whole lot to do), and then he left Slytherin and went up the stairs and around the corner to the suite he shared (and hopefully still did share) with Lily to see if she was there.
His initial discovery sent flashes of red-hot panic across his flesh.
She hadn't locked him out as promised. Instead, the entire place was open; only the normal wards were up. He easily let himself in, only to find the place empty. Which, when put together, meant that she had never gone back to lock him out in the first place.
And Sirius bet he knew where she had gone. Because she had never really promised not to go looking for Voldemort. His fear turned ice cold and he began running through the corridors.
After he had searched out the entirety of two floors, he finally found her. She was sitting on the floor just across from the Popcorn Room, knees brought up to her chest and chin resting on them, and on her face a very strange, almost frightening sort of determined stare.
And there was a large piece of parchment in front of her. A piece of parchment he recognised very well, because he had made it years ago. It was the Marauder's Map, and the last person who had had it, as far as he knew, was James.
The other James.
Which meant that, unless he was missing something, she had gone up to Gryffindor to fetch it from him. Sirius didn't know whether that James was even around any more - he hadn't seen him for months, although he hadn't gone looking for him, either - but it didn't matter. The fact that she had gone up there and put herself in that sort of position, had taken that sort of risk, ignited Sirius's temper.
His initial flood of relief at seeing her alive evaporated within a second or two, and he asked sharply, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Oh, and beware teh emoness. It burns!))
The only reason Sirius had slept well was his good friend Firewhisky. Lily had apparently lost her mind, and the upshot was that he was now kicked out of their suite and possibly broken up with. More importantly, it scared the hell out of him that Lily was out and about the castle by herself, being angry and rash and probably not particularly careful even though Voldemort could be anywhere. It was exactly the reason she had wanted to confine Harry to Slythendor, and yet she couldn't take the same advice for herself. And there was nothing he could do about it, because everything he had tried had only made things worse.
But the Firewhisky had been able to go only so far. Not wanting to drink in front of Harry, Sirius had started in on a bottle after the both of them had finally gone to bed, and even then, there was only so much he had allowed himself to drink, because he needed to be alert in case something happened to Harry or Lily.
Eventually, he managed to fall asleep, and when he woke up, the first thing he did was send an owl to Lily, because that would be quicker, easier (especially considering she had said she would lock him out of their suite), and hopefully less damaging to their relationship. The owl bore the following note:
----
Lily,
Are you all right? Harry and I are fine. We are both still in Slythendor. No sign of Voldemort.
Please let me know that you're okay. I love you.
-Sirius
----
Unfortunately, the owl returned, bearing his note. Which was not a good sign. Now feeling quite frantic, Sirius made sure Harry would stick around Slythendor for a while (an idea that was not so thrilling to Harry, but that he acquiesced to, simply because he felt bad for Sirius after the mess of the night before, and anyway he didn't have a whole lot to do), and then he left Slytherin and went up the stairs and around the corner to the suite he shared (and hopefully still did share) with Lily to see if she was there.
His initial discovery sent flashes of red-hot panic across his flesh.
She hadn't locked him out as promised. Instead, the entire place was open; only the normal wards were up. He easily let himself in, only to find the place empty. Which, when put together, meant that she had never gone back to lock him out in the first place.
And Sirius bet he knew where she had gone. Because she had never really promised not to go looking for Voldemort. His fear turned ice cold and he began running through the corridors.
After he had searched out the entirety of two floors, he finally found her. She was sitting on the floor just across from the Popcorn Room, knees brought up to her chest and chin resting on them, and on her face a very strange, almost frightening sort of determined stare.
And there was a large piece of parchment in front of her. A piece of parchment he recognised very well, because he had made it years ago. It was the Marauder's Map, and the last person who had had it, as far as he knew, was James.
The other James.
Which meant that, unless he was missing something, she had gone up to Gryffindor to fetch it from him. Sirius didn't know whether that James was even around any more - he hadn't seen him for months, although he hadn't gone looking for him, either - but it didn't matter. The fact that she had gone up there and put herself in that sort of position, had taken that sort of risk, ignited Sirius's temper.
His initial flood of relief at seeing her alive evaporated within a second or two, and he asked sharply, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
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He sat there for a short while after she left, suddenly very interested in the toppings on his pizza. Then, abruptly, he looked up. "Will you excuse me, Harry?" He got up and walked in the direction Lily had gone a moment before.
He didn't know if Lily wanted him to go after her or if he'd be making it worse, but...well, he'd find that out, and if it was the latter, he'd just go back to Harry and let her be alone for a while.
Unless it was the diarrhea. In which case, he'd...also let her be.
He walked down the corridor, and before long he saw her in an alcove, standing there with her eyes closed, looking very pained and possibly like she had been crying, or was about to cry. He stopped in front of her.
"Hey. Are you - ... I mean, do you want me to...." He stood there awkwardly for a few seconds. Oh, hell. She had been the one to make the first move earlier, so now he would. He took a couple of steps forward and tentatively put his arms around her.
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There were so many things she wanted to say. To tell him she was sorry. To rage against him. To let him know how hurt she was. To tell him she thought she was broken, somehow, and she wasn't quite sure how to fix it. To say she was tired of carrying around everything alone; that she wanted to let him in.
But she didn't know how to say any of that. Nothing came out. She was frustrated and tired and... Wanted to hit something in the face. Or hex something. Or...throw something off the astronomy tower. Something. She wanted to do something and she couldn't and it was making her crazy.
Straightening up, she pulled away. "I'm fine." Too many different emotions meant she could feel none. At a loss for a moment, she turned and started down the hallway. "I'm not feeling well. Tell Harry I'll owl him later."
Library. Hospital Wing. Office. It didn't matter. She was going somewhere where she didn't have to feel. Maybe she could find some clarity. Right now she just felt like she was grasping at sand, trying to find a foothold, and falling anyway.
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He caught her lightly by the arm after a few steps. "You're not fine. Maybe we should go home." Together. The both of them. So she wouldn't go running off alone again.
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"I don't need to be sent to my room like some naughty sprog who can't behave at the market," she hissed, eyes narrowing. "I said I was fine. Just... Just leave it, Sirius."
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Again she asked it, voice cracking slightly. "Why are you doing this?"
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He wanted to tell her that if she needed to break down, maybe she should just fucking break down and stop running around the school like a maniac, screaming at the people who cared most about her, but for now he figured it was best to take things one step at a time.
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"Why are you doing this, Lily?" he asked, turning his head to look straight at her as they walked. "Why are you running away from me every time I want to be there? You used to talk to me. And now you just run."
He was a little bit surprised he had said all that, but it was true, and it was a mild way of asking her why their relationship had become so difficult ever since they had got together. He used to be the person she came to when she was hurt or upset, and while there had certainly been times he had had to prod her to get her to open up to him, it had never been nearly this bad. Now, she ran away. She pushed him away. And he never knew what was going on with her. And that hurt.
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"I don't know."
She did know. Not all of it. But for part of it, she did know why she kept so much shuttered away from Sirius. But she couldn't explain it to him. It would only make things worse - besides, it didn't even really make sense, not even to her.
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And that's when the dread kicked in. Maybe she was having doubts about him. Or realised that it just wouldn't work. That it had been a bad idea all along. His heart hammered in his chest as he waited for her answer.
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"You're the bloke who sees me naked. Who I now have this stupid desire to impress. You're the person I think about when my mind wanders. And that's... I don't know how to fit that guy in with my best mate. I can't make those people the same. So I don't tell you things. I don't talk to you. Because you're not... You're not just Sirius any more. All right? You're... You're this man that I...that I'm in love with and I..."
A soft laugh choked out and Lily just waved both hands. "Never mind. I can't... Never mind."
It sounded batty, even to her.
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So things really had changed between them. He had felt it, but he had never parsed it enough to put into words, and part of that was probably because it was sentiments that were coming from her only, not from him. He hadn't understood it, but now there it was.
He didn't know what to say to any of that, either. It was so good to know that she wasn't going to leave him - that she was still in love with him and that she thought about him at random times. But it tore him apart to know that she felt she couldn't be his best mate, that she couldn't talk to him, that she saw him as somebody entirely different now that they were together.
He didn't know what to say, so he just didn't say anything. Not for a long time. He just stood there staring at her, the shock and hurt evident on his face. Eventually, he shifted his gaze to a point somewhere beyond her. His breaths pulsed in his ears in an even rhythm, until eventually he broke the silence.
"I don't want that." His voice was low and sullen.
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"Yeah, well." Arms folded tightly across her chest, Lily looked away.
For a minute she just stared into nothing, the grey stone of the floor blurring into a smear in front of her vision. She hurt. She was tired of hurting. And she was so tired of causing Sirius pain.
"Maybe this was a mistake." The words were out in a whisper before she even realized she was thinking them. But the moment they left her mouth, she felt her stomach bottom out.
It wasn't what she wanted. But it might be what was best for him. "Maybe we were better as friends." She still wasn't able to look at him, but she struggled to make her voice steady. The pain would come later. Right now, it was like it had been with Cox. Different, in that she did love Sirius enough, in the right way, to spend the rest of her life with him. But in both cases she saw how she was hurting them. Holding them back. And she couldn't do that any more.
Sirius deserved better. Maybe it was time for her to stop being so selfish and let him have that.
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"No." His eyes now focused on her, his gaze hard, but not far from shattering. "I can't be just your friend any more. And I don't want to be. But I do want to be your friend in addition to...everything else, and I want you to tell me things and talk to me the way we used to. And I don't understand why you think you can't." His voice was steely, because if he didn't harden it, he would crack.
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She lowered her head, shaking it sadly. "I don't know how to let you in anymore," she admitted in a whisper. And it was true. She didn't. Lily felt this overwhelming urge to protect him, to keep things from hurting him or upsetting him. But sometimes, those were the things that were hurting her. Upsetting her. So what did she do?
When Sirius was just her best mate, she told him everything. Because as much as she wanted to protect him, then, she didn't feel the fierce need like she did now. That overwhelming fear she would lose him if she didn't tread carefully.
James had been her best friend. He had also been her husband. That balance...Lily knew she couldn't reproduce it. She didn't want to. And she was different, now, than she had been before.
All this lead to her walling herself away. Like every day, she took another little piece of herself away and locked it up. She saw no solution, and she honestly didn't know how to move forward.
"I'm sorry."
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Right now, he was asking questions. Trying to get more information out of her. It was the logical route, and its only alternative was pure emotion. And if he went with that, his heart would shatter. Indeed, he was already toeing that line close enough.
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Again, she couldn't seem to find a way to express things. His bringing up Robin made her eyes narrow slightly, studying his face. "What do you want me to tell you, Sirius? You live with me. You see me every day. What in Merlin's name would I have to tell you?"
Evading again. Because this was exactly what she feared and now she had to do damage control. Right now, she just wanted to find an end to the conversation and move on.
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But he had to try.
"What would you have to tell me? Things like why you're so upset right now. Why you were all right a moment ago when we were sitting there with Harry, and then the next moment you're in the corridor looking like you're going to cry. And...and all the things you hide from me and then tell other people." Other people being Robin (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1276075.html?thread=65191851#t65191851). "Like about your nightmares."
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"I'm not hiding anything. And I don't... Merlin, who do you think I tell? For fuck's sake, Sirius." Now she was just angry. "You sleep with me. Why don't you tell me about my nightmares, yeah?"
She walked a few steps away and then turned and came back, chin jutted out in defiant ire. "I am not doing this," she hissed. "I am not...standing in the middle of some corridor blurting my deep dark secrets to you. That is not how this works. What I don't tell you, I have reasons for. All right? Maybe I don't want to talk about them. Maybe I don't..."
Maybe I don't trust you to stay if you knew them.
But she cut herself off. Clenching her jaw, she stared at him for a moment, the turned away again. "I'm going home. You can do what you want."
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"I'm going home with you," he said definitively and began following her down the hall. He let about ten seconds pass, and then he started talking again. "I don't expect you to tell me everything. Everyone deserves their privacy. But when something is causing you to act like this, or to wander the corridors at three in the morning, screaming yourself raw, then yes, I expect you to tell me, Lily. Because I'm your friend and because I'm your boyfriend. And if there's a good reason you can't tell me these things, then I at least deserve to know that."
He was tired of her evading him on this stuff. At this point, he was starting to feel like he had nothing to lose. This wasn't just a fight. She had essentially said she thought they might be better off without each other. Well, she had said 'as friends', but he didn't see how that could possibly happen. It would hurt him too much to let her go.
And so he was willing to push her harder, to get answers, to force her to stop changing the subject and running away. Because if he was going to lose the person he wanted to spend his life with, he wasn't going to go down without a fight.
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They reached their room without Lily saying anything else. Once they were inside, though, she turned to face him, eyes studying his face. "Why did you get so fucking weird after Cox and I broke up? I never pushed that, but if you want honesty, let's do some bloody honesty. Where did you go? I needed you, Sirius, and you checked out. So what the hell happened?"
It all came out in a rush. She hadn't intended to ask but... That had been where it all had started, hadn't it? Lily had her own reasons for being closed off, and a most of them had nothing to do with Sirius. But that - losing him, feeling like she had to walk on eggshells, having things she told him set off huge fights - it had been the start. And she needed to know why if he ever expected her to be able to do anything to let him in.
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"We're not talking about me right now." His voice was sharp and firm. "We're talking about you. And why you won't tell me things that are important to you. Why you don't see me as your best mate any more."
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"YOU walked out on this, Sirius. YOU did. You were emotionally gone when I needed you. And then all we did was fight. Ever think that maybe part of the reason I don't tell you things because I never know what will set you off? What will turn into a fucking fight?"
Folding her arms tightly across her chest, she met his eyes steadily. "I'm asking you, Sirius. Straight out. Tell me what happened. I want the truth."
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But she was leaving him with little choice, linking their current problems all back to New Year's. And maybe it had begun then, because after that was when all the fights had started. He knew there were things she had been withholding from him before that, but they had never fought prior to New Year's, at least nothing beyond a mild squabble that was over in half a minute.
Well, he had wanted to tell her at some point anyway. Now as as good a time as any, especially if she was determined to break up with him in the first place.
"You want to know what happened? Fine." He fixed his eyes on her face, because if he was going to tell this story, he was going to do it straight up. No more secrets. A fiery flush spread across his skin, encompassing a mix of anger, terror, fear, shame, and a whole host of other emotions. "You owled me after you broke up with Cox. I came to your room to find out what happened, and you were drunk. You were really upset, and maybe you started crying and I...you know, I tried to comfort you, and then you kissed me, and we...did things. Together."
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