Gently going (One-shot and closed RP for Lily/Sirius)

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

((One-shot of emo tl;dr-ness (as per usual) that then goes into a closed RP for L/S at the second LJ cut. Backdated to some fuzzy time just after this but before this. Everything cleared with Siri-mun. Enjoy.))



It wasn’t unusual to find Lily in the Popcorn Room. At least once a week, it seemed, she would find her way there, sit in front of one specific kernel, and hold long, one-sided conversations. She’d never told anyone about it - no need to reveal the depths of the craziness that was her psyche - but Lily came, nonetheless. Dumbledore’s kernel (or, rather, the random kernel she’d arbitrarily decided was his) was on the receiving end of a number of rants about anything from her research to Harry to Sirius and anything in between. All of the tumultuous thoughts that she simply couldn’t express to anyone else were able to be expelled here. She felt safe cracking open the dark corners of her mind, where she locked away so much, just a little. Just a bit of all the things she carried around were allowed out.

Tonight she had simply been wandering the hallways, lost in thought. For once with no specific destination in mind. Everything in her head was just too loud, too churning to be able to sleep; after staring balefully at her ceiling for several long minutes, Lily had given up entirely. Now her feet followed an all-too familiar path while her mind wandered. Pausing at the doorway, Lily glanced up at the plaque listing the names of those who had popcorned almost out of rote.

But there were three new names that her eyes seemed to lock onto.

Remus Lupin

Sarah Williams

Narcissa Malfoy

Remus she had heard about from Stephen - and that was part of the reason she’d taken to the hallways. She’d yet to tell Sirius about it. Yet to even respond to the owl. But all of the thoughts of whether or not Remus was finding being popcorn a welcome vacation and if Stephen was quite mad, thinking she should apply for a Professorship, were blown completely away by the other two names.

Shaking slightly, Lily’s fingers traced Sarah’s name. An almost caress of the cold bronze engraving. Sarah. Oh, Merlin, Sarah.

After several moments in which Lily felt both frozen and as if she were being ripped apart, she let her eyes slide down to Narcissa’s name. And, surprisingly, Lily felt a tiny jump of sadness over the fact that the woman was popcorn.

Swallowing hard, Lily forced herself to look around the room. Walking slowly, eyes studying each kernel critically, she found one that seemed to satisfy some criteria. Settling down in front of it, expression inscrutable, Lily stared for a long time, quiet and unmoving.

Then, with a low rush of a breath, she whispered, “Hello, Sarah.”

There were too many things forcing themselves out of a throat that was suddenly blocked by an ache that seemed to gnaw at her bones and Lily was silent again, eyes bright and lips trembling as she pressed them together. Sarah had been her first real friend at Hogwarts. The girl had held Lily when she cried, had stood by her side during the trouble with the James who had come back. They had laughed together, had sent out drunken owls and been silly together. Lily had loved her - did love her - and to find Sarah suddenly gone...

She wanted to cry. Wanted to rage and wail and shout against the cruelty of a world that would simply let someone like Sarah fade into the night. But she couldn’t. That was a level of innocence she no longer possessed; the fact that everyone would leave, eventually, was one she’d learned through bitter experience. So she didn’t cry, didn’t really do much of anything, really, other than sit, curled up, and stare at the kernel she’d decided was her friend.

“I’m so sorry.” The words shattered the stillness, seemed to echo some deep pain that made it difficult for Lily to breathe. This was her fault. Of course it was. Even though the rational part of her brain knew that there was no way she could have prevented this, no way she could even remotely take responsibility for something like popcorn, Lily still mentally berated herself for not being more alert. For not being constantly vigilant. Maybe if she’d been a better friend, kept a closer eye, this wouldn’t have happened.

It was like with her James - she should have known, somehow, what was going to happen. Looking back, it was all so glaringly obvious. How could she not have seen it? How could she have possibly been so blind, so disgustingly naive? The signs had all been there, but she’d been so arrogant and missed them all. And, in shouts and cruel laughter and a flash of green light, the world had turned upside down.

Popcorn, Lily knew, was not death. People came back from popcorn. Though, to be fair, apparently people came back from death as well. Still, there was a difference, and Lily did not mourn Sarah as she did her James - as someone she knew she’d never see again. But she did feel the same kind of guilt, though the load might be less. Somehow, this was her fault. Somehow, someway, she’d failed. Again. And Lily would continue to fail until everyone around her was gone, and she was alone.

For what felt both like hours and only a few breaths, Lily sat. Then, when the silence had reached a fevered roar in her ears and her muscles had grown numb from sitting on the cold floor, Lily spoke. Her voice was low and hoarse, a rumbling sound that shook in her chest and barely seemed to make it past her lips before it fell to the floor and crumbled into nothing.

“Sarah Williams was my friend. She was so amazingly alive she seemed to sparkle. She loved, desperately, openly, in a way I could only envy. There were no walls, no censoring, no barriers that protected her. There was only Sarah, so gloriously and spectactularly herself. With no apology or even hesitation, she loved. And her heart lead her. Sarah was my friend in a way so few people allow themselves to be. Wholly. Completely. And I will miss her.”

Her voice cracked on the last sentence and Lily fell quiet. Then she stood, placing her hand on the glass in front of the kernel. “Goodbye, Sarah. I hope I’ll see you again.”

Two more stops before she left. There was another glance around the room, another selection of a random kernel to address. This time she didn’t sit. Lily stood, chin jutted out, eyes snapping; proud and fierce, arms folded tightly across her chest. Some silent war raged inside Lily before she opened her mouth to say, “You didn’t deserve him.”

That wasn’t enough. Her tone clipped and tightly angry, she went on. “None of you did. He was the best thing to ever happen to your inbred, closed-minded, idiotic family, and you cut him off. Because you couldn’t stand the thought that someone you squeezed out of your twisted loins might actually think for themselves. Because he is a good, honorable, and brilliant man and you couldn’t handle the thought he might not quietly fade away under a sodding mask, silently standing in the background whilst your fucking master destroyed the world.”

Furious, now, and letting all of that out without censor, Lily spat harsh words towards the kernel of Narcissa Malfoy. Nothing she wouldn’t have said to the woman before, but now she had the added benefit of being able to make it all the way through the rant without the other woman’s cool insults. “You’re all insane - but you must know that. And you - you thought you were somehow exempt because you didn’t actually pick up a wand and put on a mask and fight. But you’re wrong, Narcissa. You just...waiting idly by doesn’t mean you don’t have blood on your hands. You could have done something.” She was shouting, railing, two spots of colour highlighting her pale cheeks. Lily’s hands gestured as she ranted, waving about, and she paced in front of the glass case. “Sirius gave his life, Narcissa. He gave up everything. As did James. And so many others. But you just sat in your mansion and sipped your tea and pretended that everything was all right. That your husband wasn’t a murderer and that you weren’t raising your son to be a prejudiced little git. That you didn’t have any choice. You did.”

Lily paused, trembling, and stared for a long moment. Then, something in her breaking, slightly, her shoulders slumped and she sighed. “You did,” she repeated in a whisper. Hesitantly, Lily reached out one hand and rested it lightly on top of the case. “I will take care of him.” Swallowing hard, Lily’s tone was determined and unwavering. A promise between two women who, in the end, had pursued extreme courses of action through the same motivations, different though their paths might have been. “Where you and your family didn’t, I will. He is my family, and I will take care of him.”

Straightening, Lily sighed again. “Rest well, Narcissa.”

This time, the searching took longer. Several times Lily traversed the room, peering into every case as if waiting to recognize something. Finally she stopped in front of one case tucked away in a corner, standing by itself. A low, shuddering breath eased out of her and Lily moved to lay both hands on the case, lowering her forehead to rest against the cool glass.

“Remus.”

Where she couldn’t cry for Sarah, where she didn’t want to cry for Narcissa, now all her boundaries broke down for Remus. Popcorn was not death, no, but it was a leaving, and Lily felt that keenly in that moment. Huge, heaving sobs wracked through her frame, and for a long time she simply gave into them. Lily didn’t even try to hold back - there was no one to see her, no one to be strong for. She would have to tell Sirius, soon, and she’d have to keep herself together for his sake; for now, she simply wept.

It was the thought of Sirius that eased her tears, actually, and Lily finally raised her head and wiped her face. “I’m so sorry,” she told the kernel, voice cracking and so quiet that the words barely pushed through. “Merlin, Remus, I’m so sorry. I never told you that enough, I wasn’t a good enough friend, I didn’t...” She took another deep breath, closing her eyes briefly as she struggled for control. “James loved you. He didn’t die believing you’d betrayed us. James loved you.”

Her hand trailed along the top of the glass in a fond gesture of farewell. “You’ll come out of this. If anyone can, it’ll be you. And then we’ll all have a cuppa and you can laugh at me for getting soppy over snack food.” Lily paused, then continued, her voice low and fierce. “He won’t be alone, Remus. I promise you. I swear, Sirius won’t be alone again. I love him. So much, I love him, and I’ll take care of him. And you won’t fade away - we’ll be right here when you get back.” One more time her hand passed over the top of the case and Lily nodded slightly. “Until later, my friend.”



Feeling wrung out and tired, Lily turned and walked away. Arms wrapped tightly around herself and chin tucked to her chest, her feet lead her down to the door of the Slytherin dorms. It was late and Sirius wasn’t expecting her - two perfectly valid reasons why she should just go back to her room and owl him in the morning.

And yet, in spite of this, Lily found herself muttering the password and pushing open the door. Hurrying through the shared room in the Slythendor suite, she hesitated for a moment. But she needed to see him, needed him to hold her, needed to reassure herself that he was still there. It was silly, but Lily needed Sirius; proof positive that he wasn’t amoung the popcorned.

Fingers closing around his doorhandle, she walked into Sirius’ room and glanced around. A few candles sputtered on the night stand, and Sirius was on his bed, fast asleep. What appeared to be a motorbike manual had fallen from his slack fingers and the warm light from the candles flickered across his face. And Lily loved him so much it hurt.

He was dressed in boxers and a t-shirt - it was obvious he’d just been doing a bit of reading before bed. Kicking off her shoes, moving quietly, Lily crawled into bed beside him, curling up next to him, her head resting on his chest. One hand, fingers curled in towards her palm, lay gently on his stomach. Nuzzling into him slightly, Lily let her eyes fall close as she concentrated on the sound of his steady heartbeat under her ear.

Sirius was still there. All the numb, painful ache was buried under the reassurance of that one fact. He was still there.

Comments

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Vaguely, from somewhere far away, something felt different. Or, rather, something felt, because just before that, there had been nothing at all. That something was somewhere around his chest and along his side, and it made some part of Sirius's brain struggle to move. With a small, creaky moan, he shifted and stretched his free arm a little bit, and then he breathed in sharply and curled back in on...a person.

"Mmmmlily?" he asked, his voice deep and slurred with sleep. His brain was clearing now, the fog quickly rolling and lifting itself out. His free arm went to her cheek, and he ran his palm over it roughly. "Hey." This was new - finding Lily next to him in his bed. "What're you doing here?" He turned his head and loosely kissed her on her forehead, just below her hairline.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

She hadn't meant to wake him. "Shh," she murmured, tipping her head back slightly to look up at him. "Go back to sleep, sweetheart." Her hand slid up to gently cup his cheek, thumb brushing along his jaw. Snuggling in closer to him, Lily sighed quietly, her breath exhaling along his neck.

In truth, she felt suddenly tired and old and worn. Some part of her had actually expected to walk into Sirius' room and not find him; the relief that he was still amoung the un-popped was draining, leaving her feeling heavy and exhausted. Lashes falling down to rest on her cheeks, she relaxed into the warmth of Sirius' body. The steady rhythm of his heart was a lullaby, soothing and sweet; her hand fell slightly to rest just next to his neck, fingers curled a bit into his skin.

There was the knowledge that Sirius was probably baffled as to why she had shown up, why some girl he was seeing had just climbed into his bed. She should explain. But there was no simple way to start, and she hadn't meant to disturb him, so Lily simply lay next to him and hoped he might fall back asleep. They could talk in the morning. Or, more likely, she would repress it all and only tell him what he needed to know, and they'd never have any sort of conversation about her actual issues, and she could focus totally on him. That sounded like a lovely plan.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

He adjusted the arm that was underneath her, pulling it out and then curling it around her shoulders. He still wasn't fully conscious, but he was awake enough to be confused, and so he asked with a soft sigh, his voice still thick and groggy, "You okay?"

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

A soft, strangled laugh shuddered through her and Lily shook her head. "No," she mumbled, trying for a smile which she buried in the skin of his neck. Eyes still closed, Lily focused on the velvet blackness behind her lids, on the comforting familiarity of his smell. "Just...hold me, all right?"

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Well, that was easy enough. Sirius tightened his embrace, wrapping both arms around her. But what she said was enough to stir his mind a bit more out of sleep, and so he said, his tone a little bit clearer, "Why - what happened?" Then he squeezed his eyes shut and opened them wide, blinking several times in an effort to wake himself further.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

A quiet breath escaped Lily, one of relief and exhausted surrender. Sirius' arms around her were warm and sold and exactly what she needed at that moment. They anchored her, reminded Lily that there were things and people she was living for, that she could count on, that were still here. It poked her out of her emo thoughts enough that, at Sirius, question, Lily didn't try to immediately change the subject or urge him to go back to sleep.

Her hand sought out his, and Lily took a moment to think, still staring into the vast darkness that sheltered her behind closed eyes. "I went to the popcorn room." The trick was deciding how much of her frequent trips she wanted to disclose. Perhaps she could pass it off as a random occurrence; she wasn't sure if any questions would follow her admitting she had to use a kernel of popcorn as a confidant. For the moment she let that hang out there, waiting for Sirius to shake off sleep for the impending conversation.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"Mmmmm-hmmmmm..." Sirius said with an upward lilt, as if expecting more, his voice still croaky. Then, belatedly, the disturbed, thick note in her voice hit him, and with another sharp inhale, he shifted, pulling himself out from under her in one quick motion so that he was now on his side, hovering over her. He swallowed and then squinted down at her, the candlelight causing shadows to flicker and flash over her face. "What happened there? Are you all right?" His free hand went to push her hair back from her face and then to touch her cheek, almost as if to ascertain that she was physically intact.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"I'm all right," she said, her hand resting flat on his chest. Something warm eased over her at his concern and the tiny smile she'd been forcing for his sake became a little more genuine. "I'm fine, Sirius. I just..."

Taking a breath, eyes locked on his, Lily said, gently, "It's Remus, Sirius. He's popcorn." There was more, but it could wait. Remus was the one that she know would be most important to Sirius; she'd tell him about his cousin in a moment.

About Sarah - and about how Lily felt about it, about why she was even in the popcorn room - it was more than likely Lily wouldn't say a word. Right now she was focused on Sirius, and her gaze scanned his face, trying to read his reaction.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Probably because of his residual sleepiness, it took a moment for what she said to register. Then, abruptly, Sirius pulled back, scooting into a sitting position, his knees tucked up against his chest. Now he was fully awake, and he just needed a moment and a bit of space to process this.

Not a lot went on in his head in that moment, actually, aside from a repetition of the words 'Remus' and 'popcorn'. But even that was enough to allow the news to sink in just a little bit.

He rubbed his hands over his face and then said, "Right. You're sure?" Glancing down at Lily, one of his hands reached out for whatever part of her it could find first.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Giving him his space, Lily watched, waiting. And when he reached for her, she was there. Sitting up as well, her hand grasped his, the other folding on top to sandwich it between. His larger hand held tightly between hers. Lily moved to sit beside him, hip to hip, body pressing against his as a reassurance.

"Yeah," she said softly, voice hoarse and low. "Stephen owled me about it. I hadn't been down to the popcorn room for a few days - I must have missed his name appearing. But I was just there. I'm sure."

It went without saying that she'd never have told him if she wasn't positive. Lily recognized the need for him to check, and she held onto him, offering him whatever comfort she could. "He'll come back." After a moment, she broke the stillness, and there was no uncertainty in her tone. "It's just popcorn. And it's sodding Remus. He'll come back."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

She was right. It wasn't death. And if anyone could escape the bizarre popcorn curse, it was Remus. After all, popcorn was nothing next to, oh, turning into a flesh-craving werewolf once a month.

"Yeah," he said after a moment. "He was popcorn once before and was none worse for the wear." But still, Sirius was left feeling suddenly alone. James was still dead. Remus was now popcorn. And Peter was...well, he didn't count anyway. All his friends - the ones from so many years ago - were gone. And this realisation made him ache for the closeness of human contact, and so he pulled his hand out of Lily's and put his arm around her, pulling her close.

After another moment, he added, "I never got to tell him about you." Truly, he didn't know what Remus would have thought. There was a decent enough chance he would have been furious about it, because it was a betrayal of James. But now Sirius would not know - at least, not until Remus came back from the realm of the buttery and the salty.

And the fact was that he would sorely miss his friend.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

That ache of loneliness was one Lily recognized; sliding her arm around his waist, she leaned into him. She couldn't be what he'd lost. She could never replace the friends who had left him behind or alone. But she could, at least, be there. And she offered everything she was - in her head on his shoulder, her free hand resting on his knee, thumb stroking lightly along the small of his back, Lily offered whatever comfort she could provide, whatever he wanted, anything he needed.

"He probably would have tried to get you to come to your senses," Lily smiled briefly, pressing a soft kiss to his jaw. "Reminded you how insane I was. Told you to find someone who deserved you. Remus is the sensible one, remember?"

Every bit of her prayed to whatever deity might listen that Remus would be restored soon. Because Sirius deserved to have his best mate beside him. "I...there's something else." Still pressed close, Lily's eyes raised to Sirius' face. "Narcissa's name was on the plaque, too."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

It was comforting having Lily there, because she reminded him that he really was not alone. Indeed, she had essentially become his partner, and for as long as she was willing to have him, he never would be alone.

He squeezed her shoulder and, with a small, soft laugh, said, "Remus always thought very highly of you. If anything, he wouldn't have wanted to inflict his cocky, snide mate on you." He shot her a slightly mischievous look out of the corner of his eye, recalling her assessment of him and James as 'snide' (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/943617.html?thread=47597569#t47597569).

Then his face grew more serious. Narcissa. Popcorn, too. He didn't really know what to think about that. He had only begun to get to know his cousin again after all those years apart, during which they had both grown up and gone their separate ways, hating the other's choices, but not necessarily hating the person behind those choices, or at least so it had seemed in recent months. Sirius truly didn't know, and now he would have to wait to find out - or perhaps he never would.

He didn't feel sad, but he did feel hollow of a sudden.

After a pause, he forced out a quick bark of laughter. "Well, you must be glad. About Narcissa, I mean." He knew how little Lily cared for her.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Her head tipped towards him, nestled in the hollow of his throat, and her had slipped to loop around his leg, so that her fingers were resting on the inside of his knee. If he had asked her, Lily would have easily told him that 'for as long as she was willing to have him' would be a lifetime. As far as Lily was concerned, this was it. She was his, for as long as she drew breath in this world; and Lily was willing to walk through fire to ease any measure of his pain.

In fact, he would be anything but alone. So long as she held her wand, so long as she had the mental capacity to cast, Lily would fight tooth and nail to stay by his side. He was her family, just as much as Harry was, and Lily didn't give up family easily. Especially not now, after all that had happened. As much as Sirius might think he needed her, Lily was very cognizant of the fact she needed him more.

Snorting quietly, she squeezed his knee in response. "He thought highly of me, eh? I might have to rethink my 'sensible' assessment of him, then." The 'snide' remark made her laugh. "I like cocky, snide blokes. They keep things interesting."

Eyes raising, Lily's expression turned soft as she watched him. "I'm not," she replied honestly, voice quiet. "She was your family, Sirius. Much as I didn't agree with her choices, she belonged to you. That's enough for me." Gently, she kissed him, then rested her forehead against his. "I love you." Because she thought he might need to hear it. And because she most definitely needed to say it.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

In the face of loss, even one as bizarre and probably temporary as transfiguration into corn with a high moisture content and a strong, impervious kernel, there is nothing more soothing than an affirmation of love. Sirius exhaled a soft sigh and then turned his head to kiss Lily's forehead.

"I love you, too." He pulled her in even further, wrapping both of his arms around her. Life was a precious, fragile thing. He had learnt that long before he had even heard of the popcorn curse. And right now, Lily was alive and next to him, and that definitely helped soften the blow of the news she had delivered.

He truly didn't know what to think of Narcissa, so he just left it, embracing Lily for a long, silent moment. But he couldn't keep his mind from moving, and as it did, it sent a very strange thought his way.

Narcissa wasn't the only family member Sirius had had a complicated relationship with. She wasn't the only family member whom he had shared the bonds of childhood with - the same relatives, the same holidays, the same family fights, the same inside jokes. And she certainly wasn't the only one he hadn't hated even as he had disagreed with the choices that person had made.

"I wonder if Regulus will ever show up here," he said in a soft murmur.

Because the thing was, people came back to Hogwarts. Back from the dead. Which meant Regulus could easily show up in the Sorting Room. And Sirius truly didn't know what to make of that.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Her body folded into his, curled up and holding him tightly, Lily just lay there, letting her own thoughts drift. They lit on Sarah - the one addition to the plaque she hadn't told Sirius about - and Lily sighed quietly. There was another hollow ache to add to Lily's ever-growing collection, another loss, another person to miss.

With an aching dread that numbed her bones, Lily burrowed further into Sirius' arms, as if by clinging to him she could anchor him in her life. She kept losing people, losing friends, and that was something Lily doubted she'd ever get used to, no matter how often it might happen. But the thought of losing Sirius as she'd lost Sarah was unbearable.

"I love you," she repeated again in a fierce whisper. Daring the fates to try and take him. She realized she'd never gotten to tell Sarah about Sirius, about what he'd become to her. And that, all at once, was overwhelmingly sad. And an example of how this must, in some way, have been her fault. Lily hadn't been enough of something, and so Sarah had slipped away.

Sirius' voice rumbled under her ear and Lily literally jerked from her thoughts, blinking up at him. The statement was...random, at best, but Lily considered it. "I think," she said slowly, free hand going up to brush fingers along his jaw, "that people come back for a reason. It might not make sense, and it might not be apparent, but it's there. If Regulus did come back, sweetheart, it would be for a purpose. Maybe it would be a second chance. Or, maybe, he's at rest, wherever he is. Maybe he doesn't have any reasons left."

As much as she despised Death Eaters and loathed the family who had rejected Sirius, Regulus was Sirius' brother. Lily remembered him from school. There was some soft spot in her for the boy; and, perhaps, inexplicably, Lily wanted to believe there was a redemption, there. For Sirius' sake.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"Maybe he never had any reason to begin with." The bitter words escaped Sirius's mouth before he really thought about them. But it wasn't the worst thing he could have said about Regulus, and perhaps that said the most about his complicated feelings towards his younger brother. It was also a lot easier to be bitter than to think about what had become of Regulus - how he had had choices and options and how he had chosen the wrong ones time and again.

And also how he had changed his mind at the very end.

But Sirius quickly shook that thought away. No, if Regulus were ever to show, Sirius was likely to find himself disappointed and angry once again. There was no good reason to think things would be any different. In fact, he imagined Regulus would have some choice words about what had become of Sirius - about Azkaban, about Reno...about James, and probably Peter, too.

Sirius grunted. It hurt to think about it, and so, after a long pause, he said flippantly, "So...any other names we know and love on that list? Snivellus, perhaps? A bloke can only hope...."

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Lily could feel him drift from her, into his own thoughts, and she watched his face carefully. Her hand moved to his rest lightly on his chest, thumb stroking absently against the fabric of his shirt. "Everyone has reasons," she said softly. If working so closely with Narcissa had taught her anything, it had been that. "We might not agree, might not even understand, but no one does anything without a reason. Regulus had his." She hesitated, then kissed his jaw softly. "At the end, Sirius, he made the right choice. For whatever reason. To grow up in your family, deal with the prejudices he did..." A small, bitter smile crossed her face. "Imagine what they'd say if they could see you tainting your room with some filthy Mudblood. Not even to say that you're dating her. That's generation after generation of thinking one way about something that was against him, love. Your family - people like them - by and large saw people like me as less than human."

Lily pulled back slightly so she could face him. "You are an extraordinary man, Sirius Black," she told him, a hushed tone of awe in her voice. Her fingers lifted to brush a lock of hair away from his forehead. "There aren't many who can have something so ingrained into them, their whole lives, and find the fortitude to break away from that. To look beyond what is easy, what is comfortable, and find the truth." Lily smiled at him, the smile of a woman so completely in love, and shook her head. "Don't hate your brother because he was ordinary. Regulus did what was expected of him. Don't hate him for it. In the end, maybe, he found the strength to be more like you."

Holding his gaze for another long moment, Lily then leaned her forehead against his. "Not everyone can be strong. Some of us are mere mortals, Black." A smile was hidden somewhere in her tone and her thumb rubbed lightly across his lower lip. "How many of those people behind those masks do you reckon really believed what they were fighting for? Most of them were simply doing what they thought they had to do." She sighed, her thumb on her other hand going to absently trace against the scar on her palm. "I despise them for that. But I can't hate them. Not all of them. I know, all too well, what can happen when you do just what you think must be done. And I can't help but wonder how many of them never found the courage to do what your brother did, to walk away."

She kissed him, then, knowing that talking about this hurt, but knowing that he'd been alone too long with his thoughts. It was like when you left a wound to fester - sure, it'd eventually scab over. And it'd hurt like hell to pull the scab away. But if it wasn't healthy, it wasn't healing right, then the pain was necessary. Well did Lily know the torment of questioning a sibling - someone you'd loved, you'd grown up with, who had betrayed you in the worst way. "Do you know why I worked with Narcissa?" Lily looked at him, green eyes calm and soft. "It wasn't just that I needed the challenge, that I wanted the help. And it sure as hell wasn't because I enjoyed researching the Dark Arts. She was talented, yeah, but I could have done without. The thing that convinced me was that she cared about you, Sirius. She did. Maybe she couldn't show it, maybe she didn't know how to express it, but she did. I can't respect anything that woman did in her life. But she loved you. And that granted her some grace in my book. People... I used to think that everything was black and white. But since I've come back, I've found a disturbing range of grey in everyone. Regulus would be no different, if he came back, Sirius."

Settling back against him, playing her fingers up and down his leg, Lily paused. "Snape's been popcorn since before I got back," she reminded him, confused. "But there..." Lily hesitated, voice suddenly thick and choked. She went frozen momentarily, forcing back a thousand whirling thoughts. "There was another name." Blinking her eyes closed, Lily strove for a casual tone she wasn't sure she achieved. "Sarah. Sarah Williams is popcorn."