[WART #73] Nathan Explosions' Brutal Metal Education (With cranky party-crasher, Dr. House)

[brutal-metal.livejournal.com]

There is silence for a few seconds until the broadcasting flicks on, and everybody who is tuned in immediately has their ears assaulted by a death-metal scream of "GREETINGS, MUTANTS OF HOGWARTS!" Thankfully, the next time the voice speaks, he is considerably quieter - though it still sounds like a growl of a voice speaking through gravel. "I'm your host Nathan Explosion, vocalist of the brutal metal band Dethklok, and I'm here to give... METAL EDUCATION."

"As everyone knows, metal came from early bands like Led Zeppelin and Jimi Hendrix, which in turn birthed the first heavy rock bands like Black Sabbath and Deep Purple. They... uh, then brought about the coming of Iron Maiden, Saxon, Motorhead and Metallica, the first true metal."

He pauses, and it sounds like he's trying to find a CD. "The first time the words 'heavy metal' were used was in a Steppenwolf song, called Born to be Wild (Lyrics). Uh. I guess that's relevant. They had the song lying around anyway."

"Guitars are, like... one of the main talents in metal, and that all started from Eddie Van Halen with Eruption, kind of."

"It's called 'guitar virtuosity', which was... uh, made famous by artists like Yngwie Malmsteem, Ritchie Blackmore, and some modern guitarists like Alexi Laiho from Children of Bodom and Herman Li from Dragonforce. And then there was hair/glam metal, but... that wasn't really metal, so I'm not gonna play Alice Cooper or KISS. 'Cause I'm here to play modern metal, mostly."

"Then came thrash metal, which was... pretty much made by the 'Big Four of Thrash', Anthrax, Megadeth, Metallica and Slayer. Here's where we really get into real metal, with the brutal guitars, heavy vocals and loud...ness. So here's songs from two of them."

Metallica - One (Lyrics)

Slayer - Raining Blood (Lyrics) "I dedicate that song to my liver. Because it hasn't made me puke blood for like a month now, and I think that's a record."

"And then in the 90's, it, uh... split into stuff like death metal and black metal. Death metal focuses on speed and skill of guitar work and really fast drumming, with aggressive vocals that, like... can be high-pitched screaming, or growling, or anything. Black metal is like dark metal, kinda the same as death metal, but more, uh... atmospheric. One of the first black metal bands to... be, uh, made... was a band from Norway called Mayhem. Black metal is like thrash metal, but... blacker. And more brutal. And they had a big war with the first death metal groups in Sweden. Not, uh, an actual war. But fights. And competo- compt- yeah... fights. Yeah. So here's a song from Mayhem, called A Time to Die (Lyrics).

"Other good black metal bands are Nile, Amon Amarth, Behemoth, so on. One of black metal's more famous modern bands is Dimmu Borgir, so here they are with Progenies of the Great Apocalypse (Lyrics). And, uh, because I like them, I'm gonna play another of theirs too, Puritania (Lyrics)."

Suddenly, there's a shuffling noise - someone has come through via Floo - and an enraged, "Are you one of those idiots who insists on screaming that shit called death metal?"

Nathan sounds a little confused. "Uh, yeah, I'm Nathan Explosion, the singer from Deth-"

woosh-CRACK. The sound of a wooden cane hitting skull is very distinctive. "I'm trying to sleep, my goddamn leg hurts, and all I can hear is these morons! Singing as if they're being drowned over a long period of time, and half-wits banging at the guitar like retarded three-year olds with clubbed fingers who also have ADHD! I'm about to set a new world record for projectile vomit! Stop SLAUGHTERING good rock!"

There is silence - and for those listening who know him, they will recognize the very distinct sound of Dr. Gregory House limping with a step thump-step to the back of the room. "I'm staying back here to whack you again if you play anything else moronic," he grouches.

The chair squeaks as Nathan climbs back onto it. "Uh, okay. Ow. That was totally brutal. I'm bleeding all over the mic. Cool. Speaking of brutal, uh, I might play some of the dedications. These first four are anon- anono- ...hm. Requests from people I don't know. They didn't leave their names."

Blue Oyster Cult - Veteran Of The Psychic Wars (Lyrics)

Beatallica - The Thing That Should Not Let It Be (Lyrics)

My Ruin - Scars (Lyrics)

My Ruin - Preacher (Lyrics)

"Okay, so after death metal and black metal came power metal. Power metal kept the speed and stuff from heavy metal, but included more melodic guitar riffs and epic themes. These guys sing cleanly, not like death metal. You've got, uh, traditional power metal, like Manowar, Warriors of the World (Lyrics). These guys get a bad rap for being, like, really cheesy power metal. But they play pretty good music, even if they do dress like idiots."

"And there's newer, more melodic power metal... uh, here's Kamelot - The Black Halo (Lyrics).

"Falling into the melodic power metal theme, I've got two more dedications. The first is from Lily to James, The Ruins of My Life by Sonata Arctica (Lyrics)."

"Aww," comes House's rather sarcastic voice, "How sweet. I really am going to set a new record for projectile vomit."

Nathan continues, undisturbed by the cranky guy lurking at the back of the room. "And the second dedication is to S.B. from... yeah, they didn't give their name. It's also Sonata Arctica - huh, popular band tonight - UnOpened (Lyrics)."

House is snickering rather loudly in the background, in a I SO know who that is, you obvious morons kind of way.

"So," Nathan carried on, "you've got operatic metal with, like... the string instruments and clear voices. And there's also symphonic metal, which is kinda the same, but with death metal voices. So, uh, here's a song of ours - Dethklok - that fits into that symphonic genre. It's called DethHarmonic (Lyrics). My CD's a little scratched, so the quality isn't as good, I think."

"And from there, there's like... so many other genres that opened up. From troll metal to melodic metal, and folk metal, and operatic metal. Here's some other favorites of mine."

Children of Bodom - Everytime I Die (Lyrics). "These guys are black metal, with melodic stuff. The lead guitarist/vocalist just won Best Guitarist of 2006 in Metal Hammer, the world's most brutal metal magazine."

Finntroll - Jaktens Tid (Lyrics in Finnish and English). "This is folk-troll metal at its best. These guys, like... run around in leather skin and bones and stuff. They're brutal."

"What?" House interjects sharply, sounding incredulous. "Troll metal? Oh good lord. You have got to be kidding me. Only kids huffing turpentine and snorting crack would come up with such a weird genre."

Dragonforce - Through the Fire and the Flames (Lyrics). "I mentioned Dragonforce before, and I have to play them, because their guitar is fucking amazing. Skwisgaar, you totally need to team up with these guys and see if you can play faster than them."

Rammstein - Feuer Frei! (Lyrics in German and English). "I know it's one of their more commercial ones cause it was used in that movie Triple X or whatever it's called, but uh... it's still pretty good. Rammstein are industrial metal, and their singer Till Lindemann is fucking hardcore. And I think that's a pretty good place to end, actually. So, uh, if anybody has any requests, just... uh, Floo in, or send a note or something. However this works."

The chair squeaks as Nathan turns. "So, uh, what happened to your leg?"

"Ask me a second time, Tonto, and I will inject you with Herpes."

"...That's a pretty fucking hardcore needle you got there. Hm. Uh, okay. No... asking."

Comments

::Floos In::

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Actually no one floos in just yet. There's simply a bucket that's shoved through the fireplace, labeled 'For The Vomiting Doctor'. It's charmed to rate the projectile vomit on a scale of one to ten.

Re: ::Floos In::

[brutal-metal.livejournal.com]

Nathan has no idea who the bucket is for, seeing as he has no idea his cranky radio-crasher is a doctor, and he stares at it for a few seconds. "Hm. That's weird. There's like... a bucket there, but nobody, like, not an actual person. Is that a gift? I have fans."

Re: ::Floos In::

[canes-can-kill.livejournal.com]

House, on the other hand, has a sinking feeling he knows exactly who the bucket is from. He limps over and grabs the mic away from Nathan. "Paging, Lily Evans," he lowers his voice into a smooth airport announcer tone, "Lily Evans, please report to the WART Studio. There's a man here who says he's looking to SHOVE HIS CANE VIOLENTLY UP YOUR RECTUM." Oh yeah. House is... rather crazy from lack of sleep right now.

Re: ::Floos In::

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Never one to be able to resist a direct challenge, Lily soon floo'd herself in, eyebrow raised as she brushed herself off and leaned against the fireplace. "Sounds as if you interrupted this nice man's broadcast, there, Skippy," she said mildly, a smile quirking her lips. "And you made fun of me. That hurts."

She's trying so very hard not to laugh.

[rosecasson.livejournal.com]

Rose Floos in, and brushes off the soot from her jeans.

'Play me,' she commands, 'Some operatic metal, please. Nightwish. Nymphomaniac Fantasia. (http://www.songmeanings.net/lyric.php?lid=37936)'

It is entirely possible Rose knows what this means.

[brutal-metal.livejournal.com]

"Huh, that's pretty brutal for a little girl," Nathan comments, looking rather approving. "Sure thing. That Tarja's pretty hot. And, uh... yeah, the music's good... too."

[rosecasson.livejournal.com]

'Little girl'? Ooh, that sets her blood boiling.

'You,' she informs him with distate, 'Will be fed to the sharks.'

[canes-can-kill.livejournal.com]

"Aww, give him a break, Tiny Avenger," House comments from the back of the room. "He doesn't know that you're entirely too smart for your own good." There was a compliment buried in there... somewhere. A rather backwards one. "Do you have sharks, though? I'd like to see him being fed to some."

[doodily-doo.livejournal.com]

^{((...HAHAHA. omg, ilu. Bleeding Nathan, cane-whacking (and not that kind, you dirty bird) and metal. FTW. Also, reposted for HTML and other crappiness.))}

"Nate'n!" Pickles exclaimed from the doorway, all but kicking open the door, and... didn't even bother using Floo because, hey, he didn't know how. He just went down to the WART station by lead of House elf, bottle of vodka clutched in his hand and all. "Man, you got your own friggin' radio show! You're like, you know. Some kinda DJ or somethin'!" Captain Obvious Pickles for the win! "That's totally metal."

[brutal-metal.livejournal.com]

"Uh, I dunno if it's... mine or anything. I just kinda stole it," Nathan admitted, absentmindedly probing the blood of his face to see if it had dried. Which it had, by now. Brutal. "It's awesome, though. There's like... all the music in the world here."

[canes-can-kill.livejournal.com]

"Good lord," House hisses from the corner of the room, looking like he's about to go postal. These two looked like the knew each other, and the only conclusion was that Mr. Orange Kool-Aid over there was in this hideous band as well. "What the hell is that look?" He snapped. "You have a dreadlock combover."

[doodily-doo.livejournal.com]

Eh, close enough. "But, I mean, 'least you get to show these asswipes some music, is what I mean," he reiterates, shrugging and glancing around. "Man, this place DOES have, like... all the music. Ever. And, like, you know. Ever." Until, you know, his eyes finally land on House, testily. "Dude. Not a combover. Yeh friggin' douchebag. You're just jealous, man." He pauses, glancing to Nathan and lowering his voice. "Who's the fogey?" he asks with a cocked eyebrow, hand shielding his mouth from the doctor.

[carriesapurse.livejournal.com]

Tinky Winky's visage appears in the Floo.

"Again! Again!"

He doesn't specify which song he wants to hear again.

[brutal-metal.livejournal.com]

"DEAR SWEET LORD," Nathan hollered, jumping up from his chair when Tinky Winky's face appeared in the fireplace. What the hell was that thing? "Uh... okay..." Nathan turned back around and replayed Through the Fire and the Flames by Dragonforce, hoping that the song was long enough (at 7:24 minutes) to make the thing get bored and wander away.

[carriesapurse.livejournal.com]

Tinky Winky? Get bored? Mindless repetition is what Tinky Winky lives for!

An eerie voice from nowhere in particular -- clearly not Tinky Winky's voice; it's a smooth, almost oily masculine voice, and it actually speaks in complete sentences, so you'd know it couldn't possibly be the Teletubby -- says:

"Nathan Explosion played the song again. Tinky Winky danced."

And, for seven minutes and twenty-four seconds, Tinky Winky did just that, with exuberant glee. How he managed to synch a bouncy, nigh aerobic dance routine to Dragonforce is a mystery that may remain forever unexplained.

[canes-can-kill.livejournal.com]

House froze. It was that thing that he thought he'd been hallucinating about in the Sorting Room. It was real? And what the hell was that voice? If House had ever heard the voice of a pedophile, surely this was the epitome of them. And now he was stuck in a room with it - and a long-haired metal-head Neanderthal. Could life get any worse? "Stop dancing!" House snapped at it, clenching his cane with homicidal force.

[pleasantpeony.livejournal.com]

Botan appears. How? No one knows.

"I don't usually like metal. It's a bit too depressing and angry most of the time. There is one song I like. Coul you play it? It's very pretty, and has a girl singer. I think it's called "Jillian" (http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/withintemptation/thesilentforce.html#3), by Within Temptation."

[brutal-metal.livejournal.com]

Oh, Within Temptation! Nathan knew them - the milder sister of Nightwish. "Uh, sure," he says, fiddling with the buttons to make it play. As soon as it's playing, he turns back to Botan. "That's an awesome hair color," he points out. Blue hair was totally metal.

[canes-can-kill.livejournal.com]

Oh god, House recognized this woman. She was the chick that he and Lily ran into while he was temporarily a cat (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1180901.html?thread=60360933#t60360933), and she insisted on cooing all over him and generally being very girlish about it. He stayed silent, though; she sure wouldn't recognize him now, thankfully.

[pleasantpeony.livejournal.com]

She laughs. "Thanks! It's always been this colour, and that's how I like it. But who knows? Maybe I'll dye it pink or red or green someday. Would that be metal?"

House was right in guessing that she would recognize him, however, he did not take into account the level of Botan's gregariousness. "Hi there!" She waves.

*attempted anonymous floo*

[secondfastest.livejournal.com]

"So I thinks you should play Lobster Magnet (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hzBh0J1YFU) for you knows who." As if the speech pattern isn't enough to identify the person who is attempting to be anonymous, they apparently can't resist sticking their hand in the fire to see if it will really not burn. "Awesome, this is like... tickly." This is quickly followed by an increasingly desperate series of grunts, and then a sigh of resignation. "Okay, my hand is stuck through the fireplace."

((Song and lyrics are both in the animation. It's sorta stupid without seeing the lobster sticking to the magnet, anyway.))

[doodily-doo.livejournal.com]

Re: *attempted anonymous floo*

[brutal-metal.livejournal.com]

Nathan may be a bit thick sometimes, but he definitely recognizes that voice. While the requested song is playing, he shuffles the chair over to the fireplace and squints at it. "Uh, Toki, how the hell did you get your hand stuck? There's like... entire people that have come through there."

Re: *attempted anonymous floo*

[secondfastest.livejournal.com]

Toki shrugs, a gesture which the hand fails to communicate. "I dunno. I was tryings to be all any-mice and it don't seem to work so good. Maybe if you put butter on my hand? Or barbeque sauce?" Hey, it had worked for Skwisgaar's oxymagating hand thingies.

[ex-ladyston.livejournal.com]

The request arrives on a note, saying simply,

I doubt anyone will see the irony in this but me.

--Lady S.

Back on Earth (http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=batch_download&batch_id=YTY5d0VCSU9CSWQ1VEE9PQ) (Lyrics) (http://www.seeklyrics.com/lyrics/Ozzy-Osbourne/Back-On-Earth.html)