Paris Geller, Gilmore Girls

[crazyambitious.livejournal.com]

Paris briskly opened the door to the hall, and briskly slammed it behind her, and five steps later stopped dead in place, her eyes traveling around the room with more suspicion than trepidation. "Clearly," she observes, "the fraternities have gone over-the-top when their standard juvenile end-of-term pranks. If somebody would jump out, scream 'surprise!' and then scamper away after producing the chemistry lab again, that would just be so fantastic I'd be stricken something close to speechless." She pauses, adjusting the load of books in her arms. "You'd better not be behind this, Gilmore."

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
I'm lactose intolerant, I can't have cheese. (But the obviously-synthetic cheese replacement in those mac-and-cheese microwave deals is definitely the tops.)

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Barney manages to keep tiny humanoid creatures who barely have the self-awareness to know when they need the bathroom locked in their infantile, trusting state, leaving them utterly unprepared for the dog-eat-dog world ahead. Carrottop is merely an extension of the Barney paradigm, adjusted for the mildly elevated mental states of those incompetents who have stumbled out into the broader world and no longer require parents to work the television remote. Accordingly, I'd kill Barney and cut off the problem at its root.

3. What time is it where you are?
It's too much for you to figure out the time zone difference between Connecticut and Greenwich Mean? There are maps for this kind of thing, internet programs, telephone operators, and yet you're asking me? Do you also find Carrottop funny?

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them?
So being a wizard frees you from the sexual harassment statutes of your day and age? That must be nice. Are you going to kick puppies next? Feed crack to small children? Hey, anything goes! Magic is great! (Remus Lupin, incessant stalking, and if you say a word I will make sure your career dies in the womb, and that's under the unlikely assumption that it is ever even conceived.)

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The Death Trap, because a pitch-black bar is just waiting for one moronic drunk to vomit on the floor, and then someone else will slip in that, break their head open, and slowly hemorrhage to death on the cold, cold floor. But aside from that and the lawsuits it must be a rocking good time.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Unless Harry and his paramour of choice move to Canada or South Africa, it's a moot point until the UK alters its current attitude toward same-sex partnerships. What will we talk about next? Makeup? Fraternity boys? If we throw in world mythology then I guess we have to talk about the Iliad, because that's thousands of lines of men waging war over sex.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I'm constantly disposing of it.
Because you are clearly a bleeding heart without the guts to say no or the good sense to hire an administrative assistant. Either cultivate an appropriately stern voice or put out a notice in the paper. Red tape is meant to discourage cowards, not overwhelm those actually doing the work.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
I know Krav Maga, which is helpful in my neighborhood. Also I have been the executor of a former boyfriend's estate, so I have a certain experience with legal matters outside of the classroom, and while I'm short of medical school I can interpret medical mumbo-jumbo into common English.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
I am an excellent academic tutor, though not for those weak in their self-esteem. If you need help and can shut up and listen I can pass you in whatever course you're presently failing. I can also terrorize your enemies if they happen to be mine too, or if I'm sufficiently irritated, outraged, or inconvenienced by what they're doing. (If you need references on this point, call Brad Langford.)

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ______PG______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _____PG______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____PG______
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _____PG________"