WART Seventeen.

[spiritoferos.livejournal.com]

Welcome, little mortals, to WART Seventeen! I, Eros, the ever-lovely god of love, sex and beauty, will be your host for tonight. Of course, since you silly little things can’t handle your own love lives properly, there are a lot of unhappy love songs scheduled. I could fix things for you of course, but why should I let you lot be happy when my wife of several thousand years suddenly decided that we might not be soulmates?

You spend millennia with a person and then suddenly, they turn on you. Just like that!

Mortals are untrustworthy, fickle little creatures. Never, ever love one. Then again, I suppose that most of you aren’t attractive enough for anything else…

Poor things. I’d feel sorry for you, but I’m busy pitying myself because I LOST MY WIFE.

And DJing, of course. First song is from D, to R&J who aren’t Romeo & Juliet – now there was a couple who knew how to love – and he wants to know “Is it?”. The song is Destruction, Destruction by Farewell Flight.

D, would you like a professional's opinion on that? Because it's easy to answer. Then again, NO. If I don't get to be happy - I was dropped on a battlefield as a child, Zeus' balls, what do you expect from me - why should you?!

Anyway. Next is a request from my faithless, doubting, evil ex-wife Psyche. It's dedicated for a friend whose life is rather difficult right now. Natasha by Rufus Wainwright.

*small voice* She dedicated another song. To me. Origin of Love, covered by Rufus Wainwright.

*short silence after song is done, then without an introduction, the following song starts to play*

Every Me and Every You. ((Lyrics.))

ANYWAY, who needs her? I'm having lots of fun, and so are lots of other people in the school. Like the anonymouse that requested Bangs by They Might Be Giants. That was for Gogo Yubari - do be careful with Nny, won't you? Silly little mortal doesn't appreciate his Devi, cheats on his Teatime, gets all jealous over Teatime and Susan which is definitely an Eros-approved OTP, and then goes around quarrelling with the darling little Dib.

Poor little Dib. There's nothing wrong with being an optimist. Here, listen to I Just Can't Wait To Be King from the Lion King soundtrack to cheer you up!

And on the other side, for the second gender, we have Jack Off Jill's song When I Am Queen.

Sadako's in as usual with Cthilhi Fthagn by Tom Smith for Cthulhu! At least one god around here is getting love. Go Tentacle Man.

After that, little mortal Door would like to hear Anachie Garden by Mary Black.

...Apollo would hate this school, I've decided. Do you think he's my daddy too? Should I poll the school to find out if anyone knows who my daddy is? ANYONE?! Or maybe I'm everyone's daddy. Stupid Greek mortals. Why couldn't they just keep their myths straight instead of giving me an identity crisis and a distrustful whore of a wife?!

Caligula, you make my family seem sane, which is why I'm playing your request of I Used to Love Her by Guns and Roses next. He says it's for his beloved sister.

And even the Period table is getting into the incestuous action with little mortal Luna's request of The Elements by Tom Lehrer.

Oh, and there's another dedication to me, on the behalf of everyone at Hogwarts! Love Stinks by The J.Geils Band.

*tinkling laughter* Bitter much, little mortal? It could always be worse. You could have been DOUBTED by your soulmate of THOUSANDS of years who said she LOVED you and nearly tried to KILL you and whom you've had a CHILD with and - what happened to the brat, anyway? I want custody. Because I don't want her getting raised with any silly little mortals idea about how you could possibly NOT be soulmates with your OTHER HALF.

*pause*

Why don't we listen to Losing His Touch by Jack Off Jill? I'm dedicating it to all the hopeless little mortals out there who have ever questioned their faith or wanted to be a god. (Caligula, this includes you).

On a totally different note, we have What You Wish For by Guster, sent in by Tonks. There's a nice little mortal. Well done on getting your man! Of course, like in any relationship, the trick is to KEEP HIM. Here's a hint: Don't question if he's the one or not. SEVERAL THOUSAND YEARS SHOULD LET YOU KNOW HE IS.

...And on a note that has absolutely nothing to do with love, Ford dedicates Always Look on the Bright Side of Life to Marvin.

Now there's a frood that knows where his towel is!

Chase Stein would also like to have Who I am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K for Gert Yorkes. He'd also like to apologize for getting emo all over the carpet. Silly little mortal boy, isn't he? It's not like he has anything to apologize for. That Nico is the one who threw herself at him and kissed him; he just pushed her off. Gert shouldn't be making such a fuss over it, but who's ever expected mortal women to make sense?

Morfin, meanwhile - you were a disgrace before you got on Depo-whatever - would like to hear Kevin Ayers by Gorky's Zygotic Mynci. Aren't Mynci from Neopets or something? Does that site now have its own band? Mortal commercialism is so amusing.

Anonymously, we have the following song that sent in via a sinister-looking owl: I've Been Shot by Hogwart's very own Agent Cooper. Don't worry, anonymouse. You can't die on Hogwarts grounds. Just endure endless misery much in the way that Prometheus did!

And now for Morfin's second requestion - First You Think Your Fortune's Lovely, dedicated to Homsar. I certainly hope all you little mortals know who he is.

Back onto the love theme, we have Peyton Sawyer with Lover I Don't Have to Love by Bettie Serveert because she says that it's easier to listen to than the Bright Eyes original, and that the song is just for anyone that would listen or take her up on the offer.

I like the original but thankfully, we're nearly done! Last request is from Susan, Polly's Dress by Hem. Just because she wants something melancholy.

And since I'm not a happy god of love either, I'm closing the show with the Jack Off Jill cover of Lovesong which is NOT dedicated to Psyche. Or anyone. Because people DON'T love like that, because they're all stupid little mortals or they're immortal which means they don't bother with forever because forever really is forever for them.

Being the god of love really does stink.

Floo lines are open for any whiners out there who want to air their problems on air. Next up on the DJ roster are Ryuuji and Mai, both lovely little mortal worshippers of mine, then Oliver Wood whose love affair with his broom is legendary, and finally, Paul and Terry who had that little bout of comfort sex a while back but haven't done anything truly interesting together since then.