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I'm Morfin and I'm a Hufflepuff, and this is WART Radio! I'm here to play your requests and man the Floo advice line! And guess what? Tonight I have a co-host! He used to belong to Ron Weasley but now he's mine! I found him on the ground and I say finders-keepers! Say hello to everyone, Puppet Ron!

*Morfin's voice, rendered Muppety, pretending to be a puppet* Hi, everyone! I am the friendly puppet Ron! I want to be your friend!

I'm so glad to have puppet Ron co-hosting this radio show with me. It gets so lonely sometimes. Please Floo us if you want to talk about anything at all! It will make me and puppet Ron feel so welcomed and loved!

Puppet Ron didn't always feel this friendly. When I first picked him up, we had to do some deprogramming exercises! I held him up in front of the mirror and I said, "Now, puppet Ron, repeat after me: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" And, well, puppet Ron didn't say anything. It took me a while to figure out that puppet Ron wants to speak through me! To you! All the people! Like this!

*Morfin's voice, rendered Muppety, pretending to be a puppet* Take me to your leader! We come in peace! Your brains look delicious!

Um. I think puppet Ron needs to take a little rest. Let's play some music while he has a time-out.

I want to kick off the night with my favorite song, dedicated to all of my WART listeners. It's time to rock with Andrew WK! Let's party hard!

Whew! That really gets the blood pumping! Are you feeling better now, puppet Ron?

*Morfin's voice, rendered Muppety, pretending to be a puppet* No! I hate you!

Um ... OK. Well, maybe it will make you feel better if we play a hateful song, to validate your feelings! This song comes from an anonymous listener who wants to dedicate it to Ryuuji. Here's The Reputation, with The Uselessness of Friends (lyrics)!

Ryuuji, I hope that song didn't hurt your feelings. I had to play it because it was requested, but I don't think you're a useless friend. Everyone has value! We are all unique and special! Even puppet Ron.

Puppet Ron, you know what? Every one of us here has special friends. Agent Cooper says he made some new friends the other day, named Jack, Hurley, and Sawyer, and he wants to dedicate a song to commemorate their happy meeting behind the garden shed! For you wacky islanders, here's Agent Cooper's tribute to you: Great Big Sea, singing The Old Black Rum (lyrics)!

Now, didn't that warm your icy little heart, puppet Ron?

*Morfin's voice, rendered Muppety, pretending to be a puppet* Up your nose with a rubber hose.

Puppet Ron, that didn't even make any sense. Do you need another time-out? You're taking a lot of time-outs tonight.

*Morfin's voice, rendered Muppety, pretending to be a puppet* I have that not-so-fresh feeling.

Well, maybe that's because you have something in common with our next anonymous listener! This person wants to hear a song from the Avenue Q soundtrack, a catchy tune called I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today (lyrics)!

You know what? If you don't wear any underwear, you might get a fungus. Cotton underwear wicks moisture away from the skin. So do cotton socks. I really think you should start wearing underwear, anonymous! After all, you're not made of cloth like puppet Ron here.

But at least if there's ever a fungus among us, our next anonymous listener may be the person to cure it! This anonymous listener wants to anonymously dedicate this song to another anonymous person. It's Death Cab for Cutie with Scientist Studies (lyrics).

*Morfin pretending to be a puppet* Look over there, Morfin.

What? What?

*Morfin pretending to be a puppet* It's Godzilla!

Where! Oh my god! I'm going to hide behind you! Tell him I'm not here, OK?

*Morfin's voice, rendered Muppety, pretending to be a puppet* OK, Morfin, I'll hold down the fort! .... Mwahahaha. Now I'm calling the shots! I'm playing the songs! They're playing our song! And I'm playing Lord Peter Wimsey's song! Lord Peter sends out this dedication:

*still reading in puppet voice* "I have a song I'd like to dedicate to our new arrival, Mr Stephen Colbert. I dedicate it in the spirit of understanding and unity between his native country and mine." That's very nice, Lord Peter! Just remember that Mr. Colbert's country has got The Bomb! Hold that thought while you listen to the song, American Without Tears by Elvis Costello! (lyrics)

*in his normal voice* I don't see Godzilla anywhere. I don't even smell reptiles in here. A big reptile should have a big big smell. Puppet Ron, did he already leave?

... Puppet Ron, don't you have anything to say for yourself?

Excuse me. Me and my puppet need to have a talk. While we do that, here's some music to occupy your time.

Bernard Black must have food poisoning, because he wants to hear Puking in the Heather by Boiled In Lead. I hope you feel better soon, Mr. Black!

Ooooh, Lady Door sent in a request. She always picks the prettiest songs! Lady Door, here's the song you wanted to hear, Babylon by Clandestine.

I'm thinking about strawberries, now. Strawberries as red as puppet Ron's hair. And as juicy and ripe! Because Nny has requested a song by the Strawbs. A strawb is like a strawberry, isn't it? Here's your song, Nny, Nothing Else Will Do (lyrics).

*Morfin's voice, rendered Muppety, pretending to be a puppet, sounds very sulky* I confess there was no Godzilla threat. I was wrong. I am sorry. I wanted to trick all the radio listeners.

That's very brave of you to admit on the radio, puppet Ron. I bet the next song will calm everyone down from the fake Godzilla scare. It's... a dedication from Fillerbunny, who writes: "Hi Mister Morfin! I want to dedicate this song to Dib, and Luna, and River, and everyone else at Hogwarts who has had their precious brainmeats scrambled by powers beyond their control, or who knows people who have. It is "UFO Attack" by the Asylum Street Spankers!"

... That wasn't very reassuring at all. What's a brainmeat? Who's scrambling them? *whimpers* Hold me, puppet Ron.

*Morfin pretending to be a puppet* As long as we're panicking we might as well stick with the theme. Thanks a lot, anonymous caller using a codename "Langly," who wants to dedicate this song to codename "Byers." It's Cecilia Eng singing X as in Fox.

Still scared? Then you should just turn off the radio now, because the next request is from Sadako, and you know what that means. Spook city.

*Morfin's regular voice* But we're supposed to play everything that gets requested, whether it's spooky or nice! So here's Sadako's song, Blood Red Roses by Cynthia McQuillan.

If we don't play something more upbeat soon I'm going to end up hiding under the desk again!

*Morfin pretending to be a puppet* Or running around in circles.

*Morfin's regular voice* I only run around in circles when there's a good reason! And there's no reason to run around in circles, because we have some sweet love songs to play now. Up next is a very nice dedication, "from Elena to her beloved husband," White Dress sung by Fairport Convention (lyrics)

... See, I told you! A nice sweet song without aliens or brainmeats or Godzilla or people who don't wear underwear. And here's another one. This one's anonymous. It's David Gray, This Year's Love (lyrics). Anonymous, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about!

That about does it for tonight's edition of the Morfin Show on WART. Tomorrow you'll be entertained by DJ Luna Lovegood! Send in your anonymous requests to Luna, folks! Following that, our rotation list is as follows:

Gert Yorkes and Chase Stein, co-hosting! Isn't that great? I hope they have as good a time co-hosting as me and puppet Ron!
Nightwing! At last we have a Bat DJ!
Eros! I bet the Floo lines are going to be hopping that night!
Everyone's favorite Slytherin prefect, Ryuuji!
aaaaaand Oliver Wood! But will we be hearing about Quidditch or about the late great Snape?

But don't turn off your magical-radio-like-thingie just yet! I have plenty of time for all of you! I want to help you and be your friend! The Floo network is open and completely anonymous. Call in! ~~Give me a reason for living!~~