hh_mirror | Muggle Studies

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Muggle Studies

((Jasper's inclusion with permission and additions of his player. If you require Vlad's attention, please say something to this extent in the comment subject line so I don't somehow miss it, thanks!))

The Baron Vladimir Harkonnen wanted his first class to be practical and entertaining, so he had chosen "An Introduction to Muggle Weaponry" as the topic. In order to make the class interesting, he'd decided it would be a hands-on experience, and had negotiated with Basher Tarr to obtain an assortment of Muggle weapons, mainly a quantity of AK-47 assault rifles, along with plenty of ammunition. These had been marked with stenciled letters declaring them "Property of the Muggle Studies Department", and were now stacked up neatly on a table at the front of the room, near some crates bearing the same lettering, and a rocket launcher. A section of the room had been magically expanded, and turned into an indoor firing range, complete with human-shaped targets, and the usual classroom area was equipped with rows of neatly-lined desks.

The Baron remained in a large, comfortable chair at the front of the classroom, his assistant Jasper beside him, and chatted quietly with him about a few details of the lesson plan as he waited for the last students to arrive and seat themselves at the desks. When it seemed that no more were going to appear, he floated up and shut the door with a flick of his wand. The deep, melodic basso of his voice carried easily over the chatter.

"Welcome to Muggle Studies. The subject we'll be covering today is potentially dangerous, so pay attention!"This declaration was accompanied by one of his disarmingly cherubic smiles. "The first thing that you need to know about Muggles is that even though they often are extremely silly, they are still capable of wreaking havoc and destruction. It's one of their favorite activities, but somehow, they still haven't managed to obliterate themselves. As there are a great deal more of them than there are of us, even though their methods are often crude, in a war of attrition, the wizarding world might have a problem. So, today I am going to familiarize you with some of the most commonly used weapons in current ground warfare."

He gestured at Jasper, who brought him an AK-47, which he held up and explained, "This is one of the most common Muggle weapons, the assault rifle. This model is the AK-47, a basic piece of artillery used by infantry. It was developed in the admirable nation of Russia, from which my own House claims ancient roots, and came into predominance shortly after the conflict known as World War II. It's operation is simple, and its main feature is that of selective firing modes- it can be operated either as semi- or fully automatic. In fully automatic mode, its range is shorter and less accurate, but as it is generally used in close confrontations, it is effective enough. The semi-automatic mode is more effective at a distance. This is not a very advanced weapon, but, it's still killed millions of Muggles." The Baron demonstrated loading a cartridge into the weapon, flicked off the safety, cocked the mechanism, and turned to fire a round through one of the lined-up targets, with perfect aim. He then flipped it to the fully automatic mode, and opened fire again at the same target- the spray of bullets was less accurate, but still shredded the target's torso region. "Magic or no, you don't want to find yourself surrounded by a horde of Muggles with these." He passed the AK-47 back to Jasper, and indicated the nearby boxes, and Jasper brought him a specimen of their contents after replacing the rifle.

"This is an M67 fragmentation grenade." He held up the grenade for the class to see. "This is a common anti-personnel weapon. It's a basic explosive, based upon filling the enemy with lethal bits of shrapnel. It's not a pleasant way to go. These are commonly used in ground combat, as, they are inexpensive to produce and easy to transport. Their effective radius is a mere 15 yards, and its lethal radius even less- but enough of these tossed into oncoming troops can be painful." With a smile, he removed the safety clip, pulled the pin, and tossed the grenade into a corner of the magically expanded area, where it exploded. The magically enlarged area was intentionally big enough that he could do this without maiming the students, although the nearby targets were mangled. "If those were people, they would not be feeling well now. The Muggles have several varieties of grenades, including concussion grenades that work best in enclosed areas, and incendiary grenades, designed to damage structures."

He drifted over to the rocket launcher, which he laid a hand on as he spoke. "And this little beauty is the M47 dragon, a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher. This model is slightly out of date, but effective. This weapon is primarily used against armored vehicles such as the tank, which unfortunately I have not been able to obtain yet. I'd demonstrate it, but, I'd prefer the walls to stay in one piece. However, if you attend the second portion of my class, you may have a chance to try it for yourself, along with the various sorts of grenades."

"Now, each of you will take one of these AK-47s, a cartridge of ammunition, and pair up with a partner. If you have experience with such weaponry, please find a less experienced student to assist. You will load the weapon, and you will attempt to hit one of these targets, while standing behind this line." He indicated a white line stretching in front of the targets. "You will try both modes, and learn the different feel of each one. And, you will not shoot each other with them. At this time." He grinned slightly, as he added, "Part two of the class is optional and will be held at a later date, but I encourage all of you to attend. We will be having a little Muggle-style war game on the grounds, and, you will be welcome to try and shoot each other then." A faint shimmer went up around the Baron as he flicked on his personal shield and settled back into his chair, watching for any that might need assistance. Jasper moved to join the students, ready to offer help as well or remove any troublemakers as needed. He didn't bother with any sort of shield, since getting shot didn't concern him.

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Kuronue, on the other hand, grinned back at the Baron and lowered the rifle to rest against his thigh. "I can't wait for your war game then." Although he was considering breaking in to wherever the Baron kept the weapons between now and then and wreaking a little havoc.

"It's going quite well, Mello has been a lot of help." Although half of the things Mello said that had to do with guns went right over his head. Later perhaps, he would get Mello to show him exactly what he was talking about. He rested his free hand on his hip and looked back and forth between Mello and the Baron, his eyebrows rising. These two didn't seem to like each other much. More so on Mello's side.

"I prefer a maula pistol or lasguns, personally, but, this class is about Muggles, and warfare, and, .45's aren't commonly used on the battlefield. Perhaps another class." Weapons were one of his favorite things, and so chances were, he'd come up with other violently-oriented lessons beyond those he'd already concocted. "Of course, in an actual war, one of the key rules is to what it takes to win- whatever a soldier happens to have on the field, he has." This was in fact the implied permission it sounded like to use other weapons if desired during the war game. It would add a bit of color, after all.

He smiled at Kuronue, replying, "I'm looking forward to it as well- it should be exceptionally fun." Incidentally, Kuronue would have no need to break into Vladimir's arsenal, as, half the point of having one was to make sure his favorites could be outfitted if need be. And he certainly wasn't going to deny the lovely demon if he desired to 'practice'. "I'm pleased to hear that," he responded to the statement about Mello, sounding slightly surprised, as he hadn't thought of him as helpful, but nevertheless he turned to the blonde brat, and told him, "I appreciate you helping him out." Turning back to Kuronue he added, "Not that I'd expect you to need a gun. Still, they are useful to know about, and fun to play with." He was sure that the demon had plenty of ways to deal with enemies without one.

The Baron let out a deep chuckle, and gave the cat a quite affectionate scratch behind the ears. The creature had such a splendid attitude, manifesting all the reasons that he liked felines. "The no-kill rule does take away a distinct element of fun. But I'm sure there'll be blood, as it doesn't prevent that." Vladimir was likewise an aficionado of death and mayhem, but he was quite able to die. And although his own death wasn't anything he looked forward to, he was still very capable of finding it excellent entertainment when it happened to others. There were of course some who he very much preferred alive- or in his assistant's case, undead- but, the common, uninteresting masses greatly outweighed these. It was a required attitude to cultivate when governing planets with an iron fist.

Arrogant prig.

"No, .45s are more common in street warfare or sawed off shot-guns. Some prefer .357s as there is more variety in the type of ammunition." I raise an eyebrow. "But, if you're truly wanting just a body count, you can't do any better than dirty nuclear bombs," I suggest sweetly.

"And Kuronue's my friend, why wouldn't I help him?" I ask. God, this guy is an ass.

And Toki had been loving playing totally metal house. And he also loved playing with guns. He'd have been more of a prick to the Baron about telling him he couldn't use the rocket launcher, but, Skwisgaar seemed to know the guy. And it was still far better than any other class he'd been to. Also, Skwisgaar's idea about tanks was a pretty damn good one, especially flame-throwing tanks. "And I wants mine to have a railgun on it!" he added in. "We got to gets those, and one for the Shoggies too."

The Baron wasn't sure what he thought about Shoggies driving a tank, as he presumed these were the squelching things. He'd seen a few in the hallways around the school, but most of them had been scurrying around, apparently engaged in various tasks. Most of these involved the 'laser tower', which the majority of the Shoggies in the school were focusing on lately. He'd be likely to see Shoggies more often in the future, however, as, Shoggies loved chatting amongst themselves, which meant that the 'eyesball throw-up children' would tell the others about this 'sooo cool' place where they got to play with magic sticks that made loud noises and put holes in things.

He smiled amusedly at Skwisgaar's suggestion about getting him a tank too, looking really quite delighted with it. Which he was- he'd lamented for much of the morning prior to class about how he didn't have one. He'd in fact tried to get a tank for the lesson, but, it had proven to be the one thing on his list that Basher wasn't able to obtain for him. He'd done far better than the Baron had anticipated with the rest, so he hadn't been too disappointed with his little arsenal, but, he still wanted that tank. Even a primitive tank was still fun. "I think that's an excellent idea," he replied. "Tanks would liven things up around here nicely. Brutality's always a good way to do that." This suggestion actually got him thinking, as he'd promised Kuronue, a recent addition to the school, but a swift addition to the Baron's favorites, that he'd attempt to drill up some inter-house competition. Although he was going to try and revive the traditional wizarding game he'd read about, some sort of fight club seemed a splendid alternative if it proved impossible. Especially with the occasional tank-based game added in.

The Shoggies were already quivering with impatience in the brief moment it took Toki to catch up with them, and watching the other students with loud exclamations of 'sooo cool!'. Toki thought that Skwisgaar's shot seemed pretty good, since the bullet had gone through the paper. His first shot wasn't aimed with much more grace, but he did actually hit the target, and as he was quickly becoming more drunk than hungover, the kick didn't bother him much. At this point, he was drinking openly, since apparently the huge pervert of a teacher didn't care. He looked down to see how the Shoggies were managing after he got pulling the trigger at least once out of his system, and was surprised to see that this was astonishingly well.

It was impossible for the Shoggies to imitate humans exactly in their operation of a firearm, but, they'd figured out a way to handle them anyway. They'd decided that if one Shoggy supported the barrel, the other Shoggy could use it as a lever to swivel the rifle around and aim, while pulling the trigger with a pseudopod. And this is exactly what they did, with a much steadier aim than either Toki or Skwisgaar. They were shooting from a bizarre angle, and so rarely managed to hit the targets above the waist. Yet, they managed to hit them, and several times in a row before blinking up at thier 'parents' as if seeking approval.

Kuronue's grin widened. The Baron seemed to have taken quite a liking to him indeed, but didn't seem to find Mello in the same respect. He had wondered if it was just him or if the Baron treated all his students this way. Apparently Kuronue was 'special'.

Still their talk of weaponry went right over his head. He knew next to nothing about projectile weapons. He saw them as cheating. But he nodded at them both. "I used to like landing on demons shoulders and breaking their necks," he added, then patted Mello on the shoulder when he seemed to get a bit frustrated.

This could be interesting.

((A fight club would be hilarious if you could make it fair! The gods/sparklepires/dragons/giant robots/screaming albinos could too easily annihilate everyone though. Not even Smaug vs. Ancalagon would be very fair, or I'd want to do that again. XD))

"And seatsbelts, for de safeties." Skwisgaar would probably forget about asking Ofdensen for their totally metal tanks ~~since it'd be too easy to accidentally destroy the castle if any of them got tanks~~, but it was still fun to think about, and he actually had meant his offer to the Baron. "And somes amps in mine, so I's can plays ats de same times as killings everyone with mys dragons-tank. Don'ts gets more brutals than dat. Excepts for de real dragons. I wants ones of dem too, likes at de prefect debate..."

He trailed off with a frown. It was still a really unpleasant memory aside from seeing Smaug there, who'd looked a lot like the fake dragons from his solo music video, but on steroids. Why hadn't he seen any dragons around the school since? Surely he could get Ofdensen to pay one in whatever it was dragons liked (probably live virgin sacrifices or gold, he assumed), so it would appear in a music video with him, and maybe let him ride it. Then when and if Toki did kill him with his cursed love one day, he could at least die happy.

His eyebrows went up as he watched the Shoggies shooting, who were doing a much better job of it than he or Toki had. "Yous liddle goofballs gots dat paper guy rights in de balls," he said with a chuckle. "Dats ams good place to hits people. De world needs less stupids people breedings and passings de stupids on anysway." ~~Good thing most of Dethklok were apparently turning or already gay, and Pickles was likely just sterile from drugs by now.~~ He switched his rifle to fully automatic and tried shooting again, managing to actually hit the person-shaped silhouette a few times. "Would be mores funner if wes could shoots all dese dildos in class rights now. Dats would makes me feel better." He decided to take a seat on the floor before he simply fell over, and continued shooting from there.

((Yeah, unfortunately it might be hard to make a Fight Club fair, but there might be some way to go about it, like in boxing. The flyweights just don't fight the heavyweights. But, it may be hard to get enough even matches together that people would want to play out, but, I do think it would be a load of fun if possible! Sorry about my horribly slow responses of late, been wrapping up the tail end of the Big!Project. And will have time to breathe again now!))

Toki would probably forget about asking for the tanks too, but, he still thought it was a pretty grand idea. At the rate he was drinking, however, he'd soon wash it away with vodka, just as he'd been washing away his hangover. The Baron, however, had not forgotten about his desire for a tank, and would not be likely to- so, it was possible that they'd end up with lesser, somewhat outdated tanks, yet tanks nonetheless. Provided he could find some way to get some used Soviet merchandise to Hogwarts. ~~Then they just might destroy a bit of the castle, instead of all of it.~~

Although in other circumstances, Toki would have enjoyed the dragons, he couldn't look back on any of the prefect debates and enjoy it at all. Accidentally almost-killing Skwisgaar had dropped a miserable cloud over the entire event in his memory. It was the only part that stuck out in his mind much anymore, aside from the Shoggies declaring their intent to build a laser tower. As, all the Shoggies in the school kept talking about this. Packs of them had been moving around outside lately, hauling supplies in from the forest, and even from the mountains. The diligent work of the Shoggies meant that a pile of building materials was starting to accumulate on the grounds, ready to be assembled once another pack of them returned from a strange mission which involved collecting treasure to put in the tower. Amongst other curious things, they intended to obtain a legitimate copy of the Necronomicon, written in the hand of the Mad Arab himself.

Skwisgaar and Toki's 'children', however, had had little involvement in this besides talking to the other Shoggies about it, and occasionally giving them some weird ideas, such as calling it a "Dethtower" as per Nathan's suggestion. Which was now what they were all calling it. They were too distracted by enjoying their adopted life to spend much time on the Dethtower, and were instead focusing on the hot tub they promised to build for Nathan. But now, they weren't thinking about that, having far too much fun playing with their guns. "We shots him in the balls, so cool! We'll remembers that's a good place!" exclaimed Shoggy 10. They'd be a bit disappointed to learn that they had to turn their guns in after class. Toki was pretty distracted by his gun too, and was actually managing to hit the paper steadily, although not all his shots actually went into the man-shape. He didn't care, however, as he was thouroughly entertained. Especially once he switched his rifle to the rapid-fire mode, and began doing his best to shred his target. After shredding one, he helped the Shoggies switch their guns to the other mode. "The is the best class evers," he exclaimed, and took another pull off his vodka before offering it to Skwisgaar. "We gots to sign up for the next parts thats the teacher was talking abouts. I still want to shoots the rockets launcher!"

((So sorry to hold up the thread with my tagging slowdown! I'll be faster again now.))

The Baron chuckled at Mello's comment about nuclear bombs. "So true- even in my era, atomics are respected. We've technically got Imperial dictates against them, but, as with everything in the Imperium, everything has its price. And perhaps we'll have a later class on street warfare." He smiled at Mello, friendly enough- but it didn't hold the affection that he displayed toward Kuronue. Street warfare classes were a good idea, and he'd give him that one. "And why not- because it's not required, I suppose. So I'm pleased that you've been helpful. I wasn't aware that you two knew each other." It didn't sound as if he had any problem with this, and did not- the Baron was really quite patient with Mello, as, one learned a measure of patience with 'punk kids' when raising a Harkonnen brat, which he had.

The Baron indeed found Kuronue special- he'd swiftly risen to be one of his favorites at the school. Thus, he'd probably have allowed him to shoot a person or two, but, rather hoped he'd wait. Since, the more people who ended up in the hospital wing during this class, meant less potential people playing his next game. A game in which he expected Kuronue to have a distinct advantage, with his ability of flight. He smiled broadly at Kuronue's talk about breaking demon's necks, imagining that an aerial battle between demons would be impressive indeed. "I'm sure that was a lovely sight, Kuronue- and I expect you're also quite a sight wielding those pretty scythes of yours. That reminds me, I had an idea earlier- if for some chance I can't wrangle up enough interest in the old wizard flying game, a fighting club seems a viable alternative."

"Technically, everyone has dictates against them. That is the reason the Cold War lasted so long." Though, one could question if it technically 'ended' or if the powers involved just started mouthing platitudes better. Like this floating idiot. I hate platitudes. "And, I've never really bothered with 'required' before, why start now?"

"Florence and I go way back," he said, petting Mello's shoulder and smiling widely.

Something sparked in his eyes when the Baron mentioned a fighting club. "You know, that would be a very good idea in lieu of Quidditch. There may be more people interested in it too." He was aware that he seemed to be the only one with wings, although there was that one horse...thing. It seemed, from what he could see of this class, that people would be more interested in violence than chasing shit in the air.

"Long?" The Baron smirked bemusedly- he'd read about this Cold War in history books from the library, and it seemed to have only lasted a very brief span. But, he supposed that ancients and the ancient world didn't have much to compare it against, when contrasted against the Imperium. "When your vendettas last for ten thousand years, then you can call them long." The feud between his House and House Atreides had lasted this long, although was presumably ended now, and thanks to his plans. "But yes, the prohibitions on such things do tend to stretch out affairs- it makes them far harder to finish. And as for requirements, they do build excellent discipline." Which Mello was clearly lacking, and this disappointed him somewhat- he did appear to have some legitimate potential, and Vladimir hated to see good potential go to waste.

The Baron's eyes glinted with amusement at Kuronue and Mello, and he chuckled at the 'Florence' comment. Clearly, Mello's abrasive attitude didn't actually bother Kuronue much- bothering the demon might well have caused him to actually hold something against the blonde brat. "I think that a fight club might gather more interest, and, it would surely be educational. And entertaining." He grinned slightly, adding, "The main challenge in organizing it would be to make sure the matches were well balanced- the young man who shot himself in the foot probably shouldn't go up against the dragon, for instance. Or you. It would be over far too quickly." Or so he thought then, unable to foresee the incident that would take place the next day, or its long-term repercussions.

"Yes, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt here and I are friends." I say and then scowl at him.

"And, given that the Cold War is the longest continuous 'civil' conflict on record thus far, out lasting any burst of the 100 Years War, yes, it's long. I can see how interplanetary travel would necessitate an increase in the time to fulfill such vendettas. Though, feuds between families are known to last for generations, regardless of the political environment."

I wonder how soon I can get away with ignoring the floating pompous ass.

((Meh, I'm sorry. The email notification got sent to my spam folder for some reason, which I only rarely check. >:\ Oh, and I haven't responded to the hospital wing thread because I figured we could just FTB there.))

Skwisgaar had all but entirely forgotten about the promise of a laser tower, and didn't even yet know about the metal hot tub, so both would be pretty awesome surprises when he saw the finished products. He would of course want Dethklok to somehow perform on the Dethtower, even if just for a band practise, and even if the acoustics were lacking. Since it'd look so metal. ~~And they'd probably manage to accidentally summon something horrible.~~

"Ja, dis ams pretties fun I's guess," he agreed, doing his best to hold his rifle steady, and not noticing that Toki was offering him the vodka bottle -- which meant it hit him in the side of the head a few times before he thought to glance over. "Oh... Tack," he mumbled, taking the bottle and downing some. It was finally beginning to help his hangover as well. He already figured they wouldn't be allowed to keep the rifles, and told the Shoggies, "Wes gets yous liddle goofballs your own guns, eh? So yous can has funs shootings anyones in de balls whats you want." This one he might actually remember, too. "Excepts for us. Wes needs our balls." But not for reproduction purposes, obviously.

Skwisgaar set his gun and the vodka aside and pulled his guitar back around so he could play it, having gotten a sudden bit of inspiration for a song. He played through it a few times, hoping that would help him to remember it later, post-hangover. "Thinks bullets even hurt Shoggies? Wes should bes all on de same sides and shoots de other dildos in de next class." ~~And then get to go on totally metal dragon-rides.~~

((No worries! LJ's screwy like that sometimes. And yeah, it seems like it's a good time to FTB the hospital wing, which has been a fun thread, but all good threads must come to an end at some point. Edited for typos, and then because I forgot something. Really, I promise I'm done screwing with it now! XD))

The 'eyesball throw-up children' in fact planned on getting to work on the hottub very soon, ~~namely whenever the mun gets it written up and the other Dethklok muns feel like it should appear.~~ They had plenty of plans already for 'sooo cool' bas-reliefs involving unpronounceable horrors from beyond, although the house-elves would probably need to come in afterward and install some actual plumbing. The Shoggies were already a bit confused as to where the aqueduct was, being rather unfamiliar with modern plumbing and electricity and other such civilized things.

"Shootings stuffs is always funs," Toki replied, and then pumped a few more shots into a partly-shredded target, pausing again to add, "But the bedrooms time is more funs," in an undertone. He went back to shooting again, as he too had figured out that he didn't get to keep the gun afterwards, and wanted to make the most of the time.

"We dont's gets to keep these guns, Master Skwisgaar-Dad?" Shoggy 18 looked rather droopy at the news, but perked up again when Shoggy 3 told it, "But Master Skwisgaar saids that we gets our own guns!", which was followed by a chorus of unsurprising 'sooo cools' buy the others. "We's gonna shoots so many peoples in the balls!" exclaimed Shoggy 4.6, adding, "but nots Master Skwisgaar-Dad and Master-Toki mom. Whats about Master Nathan and Master Charles, ands the Pickles ands the Murderface?"

Toki paused a moment in his shooting to listen to what Skwisgaar was playing, apparently something new. The Shoggies also became somewhat distracted by Skwisgaar's playing, and Shoggy 18 fired a rather dangerous spray of erratic bullets as Shoggy 3 moved suddenly to swivel the majority of its eyes at the Swede and the gun went lopsided. "I don't know if bullets hurts us," exclaimed Shoggy 10, at which Shoggy 18 swiveled the gun over the lopsided Shoggy 3, to aim at Shoggy 10, which it promptly shot. "Sooo cool, I gots shot!" exclaimed Shoggy 10. "Doesn'ts hurts at all!" And indeed, the Shoggy had simply enveloped the bulled, which it spat out a few seconds later.

The Baron happened to be floating nearby, and so overheard the part of the exchange, starting with the Shoggies announcing they were going to shoot people in the balls. Despite his personal shield, he was making sure to hover in a way that would not give the Shoggies an easy shot at such an important vicinity, but apparently one of them had been shot, and as teacher, he felt he should check it out. He peered over at the Shoggies, and as he couldn't figure out which one had been shot, he supposed that there was nothing to attend to. They all appeared fine. Not that he'd know what to do about a Shoggy medical problem in the first place. Luckily, these appeared to be impossible.

"You Shoggies shouldn'ts shoot each others, even if it doesn't hurt." Toki chided them with as much authority as he could muster- if the Shoggies thought it ok to shoot each other, they might forget that it wasn't ok to shoot him or Skwisgaar in the balls. "But you cans be on our sides and shoot peoples in the balls at the next class, I thinks!" Shoggy 18 apologized profusely, promising never to shoot Shoggies again, at which Shoggy 10 looked rather disappointed. "But it was sooo cool!"

"De bedrooms time ams always mores funnest," Skwisgaar agreed, mostly unconcerned about his voice carrying, since the room was filled with gunfire -- he had trouble hearing the Shoggies and Toki some of the time, even as close as he was to them. "Ja, wes gets you yours own guns and alls dats stuff. Um... I's guess don'ts shoots anyone in de band or de butlers. Deys probablies just gets mad and blames Toki and me. And then shoots us in de balls." He was pretty sure they might do that anyway, even without justifiable cause.

He was momentarily so focused on his playing that he didn't notice anyone paying attention to him, though it wouldn't have bothered him if he'd known. He liked the attention, after all. Toki would do well to be thinking about the melody, anyway, since he'd probably be shown the rhythm part within a few days and would be expected to play it at least moderately well the first time through. Skwisgaar did rather hate when Toki and Murderface screwed up his music.

Where the hell was Murderface, anyway?

He jerked his head up when the Shoggies shot each other, apparently because of his question. Seeing they were still perfectly fine startled a laugh out of him, and he said, "Dats brutals." But he figured he shouldn't undermine Toki's 'authority' in this, since he really didn't want the Shoggies forgetting and shooting him in the balls either, and added, "Ja, no shootings each others. Dat ams probably whats de next class is alls about -- shootings dildos in de balls. Shoulds be fun, especiallies if yous can'ts even be hurt." With that thought in mind, he glanced up at Toki, who could be hurt. "And tries not to gets shot anywhere dats will mean no mores bedrooms time, eh?" he said in a slightly lower voice, though he was still sure there wasn't anyone eavesdropping on their conversation. He then reached for the vodka again, hoping it would help with the headache that all the loud noises had worsened.

"We wont's shoots anyones in the bands then, especially ins the balls!" exclaimed Shoggy 4.6, and the other Shoggies sounded their agreement. "But we'll shoots anysone else you wants us to! It's sooo fun!" The Shoggies were enjoying themselves immensely, and would almost certainly beg Toki and Skwisgaar to take them to class whenever the opportunity arose. Despite being amorphous horrors of questionable intelligence, the Shoggies were apparently becoming good students, or at least enthusiastic ones. And this time, they'd they actually learned how to do something. Even if this something was shooting people in the balls.

Toki would actually be enthusiastic to learn a new song, since even he was starting to miss band stuff at Hogwarts. And so, he was actually paying attention since it was obviously a new song, and wouldn't be too likely to screw up his part. He wasn't entirely clueless, and had worked with Skwisgaar for a long time. Or possibly under him, as Toki didn't dare to consider himself Skwisgaar's equal. But either way, he'd learned to anticipate his parts to a degree. "What's the song goings to be about?" he asked, wondering what might have inspired it. "We shoulds have a songs about Shoggies with guns shootings people in the balls."

The Shoggies also promised 'Master Skwisgaar-Dad' that they wouldn't shoot each other, or anyone in the band, or 'Master Charles'. And, chances were, they'd remember this, but, they'd also be sure to remember that it was ok to shoot other people in the balls. Their opponents at the upcoming war game class would probably be wise to wear some protection against low-aiming Shoggies. Toki figured this too, and nodded seriously to Skwisgaar, adding, "And you better nots get shot there eithers. We shoulds probably wears the codpieces to the next class. And maybe some armors?" If they did, hopefully Skwisgaar would remind Toki that a codpiece was not a dildo.

As for eavesdroppers, the gunfire was loud enough that the Baron couldn't hear much of anything, and, he wouldn't cared or commented about it either. Although he did glance over the Scandinavians as he drifted along to make sure everything else in the class was alright, idly thinking they might be a good use for hidden recording equipment. He wasn't terribly likely to actually pursue the notion, ~~unless the muns decide he should.~~

The Shoggies may have possessed questionable intelligence, but they were apparently more competent than some of the humanoid students at Hogwarts. Plus, shooting people in the balls or equivalent was a very useful skill as far as Skwisgaar was concerned.

In response to Toki asking what the new song would be about, he shrugged. "Guess dats good, ja. Shoggies shootings peoples in de balls. Nathans should writes it." Since he just handled the musical side, and preferred leaving the rest to Nathan and Pickles. "Wes already gots de Birthsday Dethday song, dere should be a brutals namnsdag song too. With vikings. Maybes vikings Shoggies. Nathan could learns more Swedish to sings in it," he said with a snicker. If he learnt it from Skwisgaar, there was little doubt the song would become an ode to how much Nathan worshiped at the altar of cock.

"Ja, wes needs all dats kinds of stuff. Protections. Bet dere's spells for it. Likes de antis-castration spells, antis-brokens-balls spells. De butlers probablies knows." Besides, Ofdensen was supposed to be the one making sure none of them got injured, or at least not so injured they wouldn't be able to play. Hopefully this wouldn't entail Skwisgaar and Toki having to wear stupid fishbowl-like oxygenated protective enclosures on their hands. He pondered this a while longer, still tooling around on his guitar, then suggested, "Wes shoulds wears de totally metals suits of armours anyway." Preferably charmed to weigh less than 14 stone, or there was no way Skwisgaar would be getting around very well in it. "Maybes armours for de Shoggies too, just to looks cool. And I's wants de reallies big battles axe so I's can shoots people then cuts off deir heads. Then all wes needs is somes dragons and we ares goods to go."

~~Skwisgaar had already been thinking about asking Ofdensen for video recording equipment for similar reasons. Homemade porn was the best porn.~~

The Shoggies shot a few more rounds into their targets, affirming that had indeed learned how to shoot a non-moving humanoid form in the balls with amazing precision. But, their attention shifted when they overheard their name in conversation. They started listening attentively, apparently able to hear better than humans despite the gunfire- but Shoggies could hear many things, being interdimensional beings with interdimensional anatomy. "We coulds help Master Nathans withs the song!" volunteered Shoggy 4.6, and they all agreed with it excitedly. They looked even more awed at the idea of viking Shoggies, and Shoggy 10 announced, "We wants to be vikings Shoggies! We'd be sooo good at it! . . .whats a vikings?"

Toki laughed at Skwisgaar's suggeston that Nathan sing a brutal namnsdag song in Swedish, as he knew that it would lead to Nathan singing about his love of cock. He knew that Skwisgaar couldn't pass up such an opportunity if it presented itself, and neither would he. "I thinks that's a goods idea! And maybes the Shoggies could sings some backing vocals. I bets they'd be good ats it." Naturally, the Shoggies agreed, promptly followed by asking what it was.

He was in total agreement with Skwisgaar about the armor- even if Ofdensen knew stuff about anti-castration spells and the like, they definitely had to wear armor anyway. As long as it didn't involve the stupid fishbowl protective hand enclosures, because that would suck. "I wants mine to be black, and haves the spikes. I hads some likes that at Mordhaus, but I guess it's melteds now, or explodeds or somethings. Think thats the house explodeds too? Stuff burns and thens it explodes a lot." He frowned, as this was still a depressing topic, but, Shoggy armor was a pretty distracting one. "We gots to tells the butler to get somes armor for the Shoggies too. They coulds have the vikings helmets, and maybes we can gets them little axes. And they can shoots acid at people, and that's pretty brutals. But I don't knows where we coulds buy somes dragons. I bets you can buy thems somewhere in the wizard town."

"Vikings was de most brutals people, with de furs and de horns and de swords and all de dragons. And ships with de dragons heads. Deys pillageds alls over de place, its was amazings. I's comes from vikings, you knows," he told the Shoggies. He assumed he did, anyway, and since he probably wouldn't ever know about his true -- and even more metal -- parentage, vikings seemed like the coolest people to be descended from. "And yours mom ams related to a bigs time king of Sweden and Norway froms likes a thousands year agos," he added, thinking the Shoggies should at least know of their adoptive ancestry. And never mind that he strongly suspected Toki's parents had just changed their surname to Wartooth, probably after murdering and eating a real Wartooth descendant or something. Religious whackjobs. If it made Toki happy to think he had ancestors that weren't the epic failures that his parents were, it couldn't hurt to let him believe it...

"Backings vocals ams just singing. Likes dat sounds yous guys sometimes do when yous happy. Maybe wes could records dat and pitches it down to sounds all creepy and metal." Since their piping sound at normal pitch was too much like something from one of Toki's spontaneous musical numbers, not a Dethklok song.

"Everythings probablies explodes and gone now, ja," he said, and paused to finish off the bottle of vodka. "Black armours won'ts show de bloods as goods. Solids... platinums would be betters. With diamonds crust. Onscrusting. Whatsever. Could blinds people with it. Just don'ts wear-" He choked back a laugh. "Yours vibratings green 'codpiece', eh? Unless you plans to fuck de bullet holes. Dats would be a pretties cool song though." Too bad neither of them were writing down the ideas for Nathan. Hopefully at least the Shoggies would remember. "Hey, tries to shoot de bottles now!" he said suddenly, tossing the empty bottle toward the targets.

The Shoggies listened with fascination to Skwisgaar's explanation of vikings, with several announcements of 'sooo cool!' Shoggy 18 exclaimed, "I cans be a vikings, looks!" At which, it appeared to quiver in concentration, and a few seconds later, sprouted several horns that it did not previously have. Or, horn-like protuberances, at least. "Does that mean that we're relateds to the bigs time king too, Master Skwisgaar-Dad?" asked Shoggy 4.6, to which the other Shoggies all insisted they probably were, while attempting to sprout their own horns. Incidentally, the Shoggies would have insisted that murdering and eating the king would have made whoever did it the king, because the king was 'intosides' of them now. As, Shoggy-logic was a rather skewed thing. Toki assured all the Shoggies that yes, they were now related to Scandinavian royalty, which they all thought was amazing. "We has to be the vikings now! Cans we go pillage somethings later, please?" asked Shoggy 10, looking hopeful.

"And we wants to make the backings vocals too! That would be sooo cool!" exclaimed Shoggy 3, adding, "We coulds shoots the guns, too! I likes how the guns sound!" Shoggies 18 and 4.6 began trying to 'sing', which involved attempting to harmonize their weird piping 'tekeli-li!' sounds, and in fact, it did end up sounding a lot like something that would occur in a spontaneous Toki-song, perhaps one about Amorphous Friends. "That's somes great backups vocals!" Toki told them. "Especially if we mades it more creepy and metals likes Skwisgaar says."

"That's the goods point abouts the black armors, but, black armors still looks brutals!" He supposed that red wouldn't show up terribly well against it, but, picturing Skwisgaar's idea about a solid platinum suit of armor, encrusted with diamonds, caused him to picture some sort of brutal Elvis in his later years. "I dont's know that I'ds wants to looks like metal Elvis." He peered at Skwisgaar, asking, "And what's wrongs with my codpiece?" He still hadn't figured out what was 'wrong' with his codpiece, which of course was that it wasn't a codpiece at all. "But yeah, fucks the bullet holes. .. that woulds be a good name for a song." He too was liable to forget since they weren't writing the ideas down, but luckily, they had the Shoggies there, who could remember many things, even if they didn't know what it was that they were remembering.

As Skwisgaar tossed the bottle, the eyes of all the Shoggies followed it, and their guns swiveled in its path- almost simultaneously, both pairs opened fire on the bottle. It was impossible to tell which Shoggies hit it, or if perhaps both pairs did, as, the bottle was blasted into shards quite effectively. When it was right around crotch-level, of course. The Shoggies' typical firing height had become pretty well established.

Skwisgaar was momentarily distracted by Shoggy 18 sprouting horns and reached out to poke at them. "Dats is cool! Hows you does dat? Can you bes spiky alls over? Then yous could rolls on people after shootings dem or wes could throws you at someones and it woulds be great." Especially if the horns were hard enough to impale someone on. "Ja, wes go pillages de fucks outs of de Ravensklaw bar after dis class, how abouts dat?" He looked amused by the Shoggies' attempts at singing, wondering if getting them drunk might cause them to make even weirder sounds. Alcohol presumably wouldn't do anything but get them drunk, so surely there was no harm in finding out.

"You wouldn'ts looks like Elvis unless you gains bunch of weights and grow de sidesburns and wears a jumpsuit and gets some shittings disease likes whats killed him," he replied irritably, obviously feeling personally insulted. "Yous just lacks de good tastes, Toki. Any dildo can wears alls black, only de most metals can pulls off white and looks goods in it." Though he definitely wouldn't don any actual platinum and diamond encrusted armour either now, since he didn't want to be called the Elvis of death metal or something. Maybe he'd go for a very dark blood red, so it'd look like he was already covered in blood. It'd be even better if he could have armour made from Smaug's scales, which clearly would be the most brutal thing of all, and also nicely impenetrable even against bullets. Plus, it would match his guitar strap.

"Don'ts you thinks your 'codpiece' looks a lots like somethings else?" he asked with a pointed glance toward Toki's crotch, which just so happened to be close to eye level with Skwisgaar seated as he was. Just a shame they weren't alone, as he really wanted to reach over and grope Toki too, despite his prior irritation. Skwisgaar was somewhere between hungover and drunk by then, his headache already fading, so getting naked at some point in the near future seemed like an excellent idea.

He needlessly shielded his face as the bottle exploded, laughing as he said, "Dats was a good shot! Once we gets ours own guns we can do dis whenever wes wants to. Maybes wes get ours own shootings range to goes with dem." He glanced back at Toki, again deliberately eyeing his crotch before raising his eyes to his face. "I's thoughts of something else I'd likes to also pillage de fucks out of afters class," he added with a slight smile.

Shoggy 18 had to think pretty hard about Skwisgaar's question, which caused most of its horns to slip back into its Shoggy-substance- apparently, concentration was how it did that, but, its response was, "I don't knows how I do it! But I cans be spiky alls over too!" It concentrated again, becoming spiky all over, although none of its spikes appeared hard enough for extremely effective impaling. The other Shoggies all did their own imitation of Shoggy 18, becoming spiky all over to various degrees, until they all lost their focus again at the mention of pillaging the Ravenclaw bar. "We wants to go and pillages de Ravensklaw bar, Master Skwisgaar-Dad!" exclaimed Shoggy 10, and they all sounded their agreement. Toki thought it sounded pretty good too. "Yeah, we gots to go and pillages the Ravensklaw bar," he replied, and then in a murmured undertone, added to Skwisgaar, "And thens we should go backs to ours room for other stuffs!"

"It woulds too looks like metal Elvis," Toki retorted. "Evens withouts the sidesburns and stuffs. And I'ds be the shiny targets, whats with sparklings everywhere likes them pussy glams-rockers. I bets that the rests of the bands would agrees." The Shoggies, however, didn't seem to agree, or at least Shoggy 4.6 didn't, piping up, "But the whites and shiny armors with the sparkles woulds be sooo cool! I thinks it would looks sooo nice!" The other Shoggies agreed with it, at which Toki looked a bit put-out, what with being undermined by his own eyeball throw-up children. Of course, Toki secretly thought that it didn't matter what Skwisgaar wore- he'd naturally look badass, simply because he was Skwisgaar.

Now that Skwisgaar pointed it out, he supposed that his 'codpiece' did look a lot like a cock. "Arent's they supposeds to looks like thats, though?" he asked cluelessly- he still didn't get the hint. He fired a few last rounds into one of the targets before sitting down by Skwisgaar, starting to feel more like going to the bar than shooting. And, he felt like groping Skwisgaar even more than going to the bar, although he supposed they'd have to at least stop by the bar now that the Shoggies were all excited about it.

"We shoulds gets our own shootings range, that's a good ideas, Skwisgaar. Then the Shoggies cans practice whenevers they wants to!" He was pretty sure that good parents were supposed to encourage their children's talents, and, the Shoggies obviously had one for shooting things, especially for shooting human-shaped things in the balls. "We gots to remember to tell the butler abouts it." His thoughts didn't linger on the shooting range idea for long though, as, Skwisgaar's suggestion about other things he'd like to pillage brought a slight flush to his features, and he murmured back, "I likes that ideas, do you thinks the class is goings to be much longers? We gots to take the childrens to the bar firsts, but then we shoulds go back to our room." He really wanted to start fondling Skwisgaar right there, and although he doubted that the huge pervert of a teacher would mind, it would have been too easy for the other students to notice. Namely Nathan and Ofdensen, since he didn't care about the rest.

Skwisgaar picked up one of the spiky Shoggies and glanced around the room for a suitable test target, but his plan was unfortunately thwarted when the Shoggy returned to its usual squishy inside-out-cat state a moment later.

"Pffft. Yours best pals Dr. Rockzo dresses likes a pussy glams rocker. Dere ain'ts nothings glam about armour. It's metal. Yous probablies learnt everythings yous know abouts music from de internets anyway," he said dismissively. He was at least pretty sure the rest of Dethklok wouldn't agree about diamond encrusted anything being the sole domain of glam rockers; Pickles and Murderface would probably call Toki gay for caring about what Skwisgaar wanted to wear, and Nathan would likely side with him just to piss Toki off, since Toki did tend to have more amusing reactions than Skwisgaar when angry. What with his batshit homicidal streak... which still occasionally made Skwisgaar wary of arguing with him. "Whatsever. Yous takes de Shoggies to de next class, I's haves other things to do on dats day."

Which was obviously a lie, but he felt the need to make a point, and it was anyone's guess what, exactly, that point was. Apparently he was perfectly willing to forgo something he'd enjoy just because he felt insulted, and figured playing guitar was more fun than arguing about stupid armour and shooting people anyway. He did feel marginally better when the Shoggies agreed with him, though, and patted the one he was holding as he said, "At least deys haves good taste." Except calling it shiny, sparkly armour ensured Skwisgaar really wouldn't wear anything like that, since it did sound kind of... really... not-metal.

He rolled his eyes. "Codspiece is supposed to protects your crotch, not looks likes it. And dey ain't supposed to vibrates unless yous a lady. Dat's stuff de ladies reallies like, you knows." He was slightly placated by Toki agreeing about the shooting range, at least, and it wasn't like he'd pass up an opportunity for snogging and/or sex just because he was irritated. If anything, it was sort of just making him more horny. "Class is overs whenever wes wants it to be," he decided. "Ain't likes wes were tolds to do anything but shoot at shit. Time to pillages de bar?"

Toki glowered at Skwisgaar, snapping back, "I knows mores about musics histories than you dos, I bet!" Partially from the internet, but, he wasn't sure what the problem with that was. "And I didn't say that you shouldn'ts wear the white armor with diamonds encrustations, I said I don'ts wants to wear it and looks like the metal Elvis. You can gets away with wearings anythings you wants, always goings to look all fantastics." He sighed, a little exasperated- surely Skwisgaar knew that he looked amazing no matter what he put on. He even looked great in his golf outfit.

Although Toki knew that Skwisgaar was most likely having a little tandrum with his sudden claims of having something to do instead of the next class, the Shoggies didn't, and they all looked alarmed and crowded around Skwisgaar. "But you has to comes!" lamented Shoggy 18, to which Shoggy 4.6 added, "We needs our parents! We can'ts nots have our dads!" "We dont's wants to go withouts you Master Skwisgaar-Dad!" chimed in Shoggy 3, while Shoggy 18 tugged at Skwisgaar's pants leg going, "Please? You gots to come!" "We's have good taste," replied Shoggy 10 to Skwisgaar's compliment, adding, "And so you has to brings us, right?" Toki felt even more exasperated at this display, which suggested that even the Shoggies were partial to Skwisgaar over him, but he supposed that was just the way things were. He was second-best at guitar, and apparently he was second-best at parenting as well.

"I bets that nones of you could find awesomes green vibrating codpieces, and sos you gots to make fun of mine." Toki looked around for his vodka, and remembered that they'd finished it up, and the Shoggies had destroyed the bottle, which caused him to feel even sulkier. As fun as most of the class had been, he wasn't enjoying it so much anymore, thanks to Skwisgaar apparently being all pissed off. "Yeah, class mights as well be overes. It was fun, but isn'ts so much fun anymores. I'd rathers go to the bar and gets real drunks." The Shoggies looked even more crestfallen, protesting, "But we's arent's out of the bullets yet!" At which they got back into their pairs and adjusted their guns again, and went about trying to use up the remainder of their ammo as quickly as they could.

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Muggle Studies

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