Application: Rat Lord Vishnu's Love Handles (book)

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

The small young man paced back and forth in his cell. He'd already inspected everything in the room. The chair and the table could be used as weapons. If he stood beside the door long enough, he could hit whoever came in and escape. But if he did that, he still might not get out anyway. Better to patiently wait and listen to what they had to say, even if he lost the element of surprise.

Right now they were probably torturing Sage and would kill her and he'd never see her again and it was all his fault and they'd come and torture him too. He paced faster.

Even taking a test started to look better than sitting here doing nothing.


1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Rat fiddled with an earring. Cheese? Who cares about cheese? "Your personality test sucks."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

"Trick question, huh? Yes, I'd kill whichever one was coked-up and coming at me with a knife, about to kill me. But breaking an arm's enough to stop people, usually."

3. What time is it where you are?

Rat rolled his eyes, though it was hard to tell because they were shiny black orbs, thanks to novelty contacts.
"Time for you to get a watch, dumbass."

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Rat's big ears actually turned a little pink. "I don't... You bring my sister back and I'll make him harass anyone you want, anyhow."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

He thought a moment. "At Your Own Risk. That way no idiots will whine when they stub their toe or get a bloody nose from walking around in a dark bar."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

"What do I care if these assholes want to get married!? I can tell you about them, sure, but I need Sage first."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Because you're not doing it fast enough, dumbass. I don't have to remote-view to figure out that one. Or people are putting their paperwork on your desk while you're away."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

"I'm a good remote viewer. One of the best Influencers around. But I need Sage to do it well. And hey, I could teach you Aikido or Judo into the bargain."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"Well, see. If you have my sister and you haven't hurt her I'll go back to working for you. I won't track you down and kill you like an animal or anything." He checked his pockets "And I have lottery tickets." He waved the bundle. "Lottery tickets, right here."

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. __Rat__________
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ___Rat________.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ___Rat________.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ___Rat__________
I don't wear knickers ___Rat_____"


((Rat, like Sage is an empath and an Influencer. He also has amazing waif-fu IC. If you're supernaturally fast or strong, you can beat him, no problem. If you're some kind of master ninja, you can beat him. If you're good at martial arts, he probably has a chance of at least landing a punch.

PB: Kitt Turtlington from the movie Gypsy 83))

Comments

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

Dumbledore sighed. He was genuinely saddened. "I had hoped that was an ill-chosen phrase, not a declaration of sincere intent." Oh, children. "Young man, you will do no such thing in my school. To force another to act against his own will is known to us as the Imperius Curse, and it is Unforgivable."

My school, he said, and meant it, though Hogwarts was no longer his to command. He would do what he could to prevent such monstrosities. Bad enough that Grindelwald should walk among them, spreading his insidious ideology with sweet words. Which was worse, the naked display of aggression this Rat person made, or the feigned friendliness of a Grindelwald? Both were bad enough, that was all.

"If you were to force someone to harass another, you would be the true harasser of both victims. The one who is harassed, and the one whom you have forced." He shook his head. "Do you wish to be known as a victimizer of the innocent?"

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

((Edited for clarity. BTW- You can squib or expel him if you like. I thought Influencing might be a little problematic, but any good wizard ought to be able to put a block on it. That's also why I assumed Rat can't read Dumbledore well at all.))
"I don't know about your school, but I'm an Influencer, not a controller. The last guy I know who tried controlling people with his gifts ended up in a coma.

And yes, I mean, yes I know it would be my fault if I forced two people to do whatever." Rat rubbed his temples, feeling a headache coming on. Nobody was this squeamish at SHIMMER.

"Ok, I lied a little. I thought these people wanted me to try to Influence this Dumbledore person, so I'd say sure and get out of doing it. And I'd see Sage and we'd get out of there."

F@rking hell. Ethics lessons. Now we'll end up getting burned as a witch or something.

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

(( Hahaha, if Dumbledore could expel people, Grindelwald wouldn't be here! ))

The old wizard smiled sadly. "That would not help you to see your sister. If she is here, you will see her. If she is not, we cannot bring her to you. I am sorry to give you such unwelcome news, young man, but there are limits even to what magic can do."

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

Rat sagged. "But I talked to someone who said he'd seen her. Unless he lied."

So this Hogwarts isn't at all like SHIMMER, then.

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

"Ah, now that changes everything!" Brightening immediately, the old wizard began to rummage in his robe's sleeves and pockets. "If someone has seen her, then it is indeed likely she is already here!" Dumbledore would not exclude entirely the possibility that someone was playing a cruel joke on Rat, but he did know the school tended to suck in groups of people from the same world, sometimes from the same family. "Would you care for a chocolate frog?"

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

"And you aren't going to try to keep us apart?" Rat asked suspiciously. Anyone who'd kidnapped them would know they were stronger together.


"What is that?" Rat poked it cautiously. "It's not...alive, is it?" He looked at Dumbledore, bewildered.

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

"Heavens, no. It is made of chocolate." And inside the wrapper there ought to be one of Dumbledore's own chocolate frog cards (http://www.hp-lexicon.org/wizards/dumbledore.html#Card). "Pardon me one moment, and I shall see whether your sister is here."

He summoned a house elf while Rat was occupied with the chocolate frog. The house elf listened to Dumbledore's quiet instructions, Disapparated, and reappeared almost immediately with an expression of embarrassment. It whispered to Dumbledore, who stooped to hear its explanation.

Straightening once more, he said to Rat: "There is good news and less good. The good news is that your sister is indeed here at Hogwarts. The less good news is that she cannot join you immediately, due to indisposition. She is, it seems, in the ladies' room."

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

((If you want to, you can have her ushered in soon.))
"What!? No! Really?" Rat was suspicious, but willing to listen. "She does take a long time in the bathroom." He was surprised at the house-elf, but decided it wasn't anything to worry about right now.

vote: Hufflepuff

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

"We shall have her sent in as soon as she is available," Dumbledore promised. "I do not know which House she belongs in, and Sorting seems to run in families, so you shall likely be placed in her House. Independent of that knowledge, I would say you'd make a good Hufflepuff, as loyalty is their forte."

Re: vote: Hufflepuff

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

"Thank you!" It was a genuine smile, though Rat still worried about being manipulated by this man. If he could bring him Sage, he could take her away. Still, he'd have more power once they were together in these "houses."