hh_mirror | The unravelled heart ((Closed RP, A/River))

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The unravelled heart ((Closed RP, A/River))

River's feet had started walking before her cognition caught up with her brain catching up with her feet. But her head was right where her feet were going: wherever A was. There was a bad, black feeling where a happy, gentle feeling should be. This was abnormal, as well as scary and painful. She went as fast as her feet could take her - which was, in fact, very fast - right to A's door.

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Being held like that, held firmly with murmured encouragements, finally unwound A from his blank shock, and he began to cry, clinging to River like a small child.

"He's angry at me," he wailed. "He's angry and he left!"

"He's angry at being wrong," she corrected gently. "He's angry at Kusuriyuri and Kurama for teaching you things that he doesn't accept. He's angry that he can't wave his hand and make everything his way." River shushed softly, leading A to sit so the cats could crawl up and comfort him as well. Later, though, there would be words with L. No one, not even the beloved figure, made her A cry.

"I need to learn," A hiccuped, as Schrodinger and Einstein swarmed around him. "I can't let Karasu hurt me. I can't let him hurt you. And, and, Karasu won't be the only one. Before him there was B. After him there might be someone else. And I won't, I, I, I can't, I won't let someone be hurt because I wouldn't learn." He rocked against her, taking comfort from her reassurance. "And how can I not be learning something? I'm supposed to always be learning, always learning new things."

"You're learning, learning what you want. He's still stuck on shielding you from what someone else thought you were supposed to be. But A is A, and A can choose what he wants better than anyone else can choose for him." She pulled back enough to wipe away his tears with the edge of her sleeve, then pulled him close again. Damn L, and his stupid stubbornness. It hurt more than it healed to keep A from learning new things, even if they were 'dangerous.' "He won't love you any less if you do what is right for you, he'll learn to accept it. Because A is not L, and L is not A. L and A don't have to be the same, shouldn't be the same. A should be River's A who loves to cook and grow and sing and swim. A should be Schrodinger and Einstein's A, who is gentle and sweet and learns how to rest and play. The old A, from the bad times before, has gone from seed to tree. The seed shell is gone now."

A huddled against her, taking her words to heart in a way he wouldn't be able to from anyone else; River had a direct line to his soul in a way even Kusuriyuri didn't. It was no time to consider Kusuriyuri and Kurama's warnings about becoming too enmeshed. At that moment, being able to cling to the idea of being River's A was helping him climb out of paralyzing, numbing despair.

"I want to be your A," he said with a faint sniffle. "I want to be your tree."

He'd have said, months ago, that he had accepted that he couldn't be L, that the time when he was meant to be L was long past, that being A was a different thing, his own thing. But it was only now that he was realizing what it really meant.

"You are," she assured him. Hugging him tightly. "I hope for always. You are sweet and wonderful, and even if you do things I don't like, I'll still love you. L will still love you, Schroedinger and Einstein, Kusuriyuri and Kurama. We'll all love you because you are A."

"I thought I was starting to know what it meant to be A," he tried to explain, nestling his face into the crook of her neck. "I, I just, I, I'm only starting to see that it really does mean not being L anymore. And that, I, I, I think that maybe L is just really learning that too."

"He needs to learn it. Just because someone wanted you to be like him, doesn't mean you should. You are learning who you are, and he is learning that he can't control everything. It is painful, but a necessary lesson."

"I think I like who I am learning to be," A said hoarsely. "I like being sensei's deshi and Kurama's student, Schrodinger and Einstein's caretaker, so, so many people's friend, and most of all River's boyfriend. Grower of gardens and maker of food. I didn't know it would hurt to let go all the way of being L's successor, even if I never really was."

He curled up against her, still shivering, drawing comfort from her nearness.

"It's hard to find yourself," she murmured, hugging him close. "But you're doing so well."

"I have a lighthouse now," he said, tipping his face up to hers and stroking her cheek. "Sensei and Kurama give me the tools to find my way, and you light my path."

River flushed, pleased by the sweetness of that praise. "I'll shine whenever you need me," she promised softly.

"And you'll help me find my way." He ran his fingers through her hair, reassuring himself that she was there, was real, and her comfort was solid and real. "I want to, I, I don't want you to need it, but I want to be strong enough to shine for you someday."

"You already shine," she smiled. "It's because of you I find my way."

"We'll be beacons for each other," A promised. "We'll keep each other strong." He kissed River's cheek, and Schrodinger butted against her chest, purring. "You've helped me, done so much, I, I needed you so much right now."

"I'm here for you," she giggled, hugging Schrodinger to her as she hugged A. "For as long as you need whenever you need."

"She is thanking you too," A said with a soft laugh, resting his head on River's shoulder and scritching Schrodinger between the ears. Einstein wound around their ankles adding his more reserved but no less affectionate purrs to the gathering. "I love you," he told her quietly.

"I love you back," she said back, touched by the sincerity in his voice, the way he was so vulnerable and trusted her enough to say something like that. Love was such a Big word, so strong and so much. "I love you very much, A."

"I know that you can make me feel better when I feel bad. And better when I feel good. I want to always make you feel better because you are near me." He pressed his face to her neck and breathed in her scent, earning him a startled meep from Schrodinger, who found her sitting space disturbed. "I want us to be good for each other."

River smiled, feeling very unexpected tears in her eyes, but didn't pull away in the slightest, instead leaning in, burying her face in his hair, happy and content to be so close. "We'll balance, like your scales. An equal measure of love."

"Balanced," A agreed firmly. "Like a good recipe," he added with a laugh. "You make things taste bright. You make things bright. Wonderful, beautiful River."

She giggled, tightening her hug (which was the last straw for Schrodinger, who left her lap to curl up behind them on the bed) and kissing A's cheek. "A makes the world less loud, A is peace."

"I am finding peace. I have more peace here." That was a vast understatement. "Peace is sun in the garden, peace is naps with River and cold lemonade. Peace is purring cats and your smile." And because her neck was so close, he kissed it lightly.

The kiss tickled, but felt so nice and she wouldn't even dream of pulling away, just happy that A had come back from that dark, sad place and that she was the one to guide him.

"It feels so good to be close to you," he murmured contentedly. "You smell nice, and you feel good in my arms. And just your nearness makes me warm inside."

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