hh_mirror | The unravelled heart ((Closed RP, A/River))

A was on his bed, staring dully into space. He didn't even hear the knock until Einstein scratched at the door and meowed at him. When Schrodinger meowed as well and patted his face with her paws, he noticed Einstein's now-frantic scratching and dragged himself up to answer the door.

It was perhaps the only person he could bear to see just then. "River," he said softly, and stepped aside to let her in.

River took his hands immediately, sweeping in and knocking the door closed with her foot. "Who hurt you?" She asked immediately, getting snatches - nothing concrete - from that black feeling. L, Kusuriyuri, Kurama... what could they do? What had happened? "What can I do?"

He clutched at her hands with desperate intensity, knuckles whitening with the force of his grip.

"I'm, I, I, I'm, he thinks I'm not good enough. Not, not, not good enough to learn how to keep safe. Not to be, to be trusted."

Einstein and Schrodinger wove around her ankles, seemingly relieved that she was there.

This was certainly bad; A's grip was strong enough to almost hurt. And that both cats seemed so worried doubled her anxiety.

"Who, L? Why would he say such a thing?"

"He doesn't want, he, he, he doesn't think I should learn," his voice was soft and sounded oddly rushed, "He, Kurama and Kusuriyuri think I should, should learn self-defense, and he doesn't want me to!"

"Wrong," She breathed, horrified. "He's wrong. A can't be put under glass to be protected. A is growing like the trees and flowers in the garden." She squeezed his hands, bringing them up to kiss. "He's afraid, he doesn't want to be wrong, but he is. A must grow."

A leaned closer to her, resting his head on her shoulder.

"He, he, he doesn't like Kusuriyuri and Kurama. What they teach me. That they teach me. I've learned so much from them, learned to be strong, they say I'm a good student, and he doesn't like them, doesn't want me to learn." He sounded defeated and very small.

River hugged him tight, rocking him gently in her arms, hiding the angry scowl that wanted to be on her face. She could feel L's thoughts, if she concentrated... and while she could understand wanting A to be safe and happy, there was such at thing as too much. He was letting his prejudices get in the way.

"Mama bird is afraid that when baby learns to fly, baby will fly away forever," she said softly, stroking his hair, the way her mother used to when she was hurt. "But baby's got to fly, that's why baby has wings. You have to learn, because the things that need learning are already in you. And just because the little sparrow is learning from hawks doesn't mean that the lessons are any less needed."

Being held like that, held firmly with murmured encouragements, finally unwound A from his blank shock, and he began to cry, clinging to River like a small child.

"He's angry at me," he wailed. "He's angry and he left!"

"He's angry at being wrong," she corrected gently. "He's angry at Kusuriyuri and Kurama for teaching you things that he doesn't accept. He's angry that he can't wave his hand and make everything his way." River shushed softly, leading A to sit so the cats could crawl up and comfort him as well. Later, though, there would be words with L. No one, not even the beloved figure, made her A cry.

"I need to learn," A hiccuped, as Schrodinger and Einstein swarmed around him. "I can't let Karasu hurt me. I can't let him hurt you. And, and, Karasu won't be the only one. Before him there was B. After him there might be someone else. And I won't, I, I, I can't, I won't let someone be hurt because I wouldn't learn." He rocked against her, taking comfort from her reassurance. "And how can I not be learning something? I'm supposed to always be learning, always learning new things."

"You're learning, learning what you want. He's still stuck on shielding you from what someone else thought you were supposed to be. But A is A, and A can choose what he wants better than anyone else can choose for him." She pulled back enough to wipe away his tears with the edge of her sleeve, then pulled him close again. Damn L, and his stupid stubbornness. It hurt more than it healed to keep A from learning new things, even if they were 'dangerous.' "He won't love you any less if you do what is right for you, he'll learn to accept it. Because A is not L, and L is not A. L and A don't have to be the same, shouldn't be the same. A should be River's A who loves to cook and grow and sing and swim. A should be Schrodinger and Einstein's A, who is gentle and sweet and learns how to rest and play. The old A, from the bad times before, has gone from seed to tree. The seed shell is gone now."

A huddled against her, taking her words to heart in a way he wouldn't be able to from anyone else; River had a direct line to his soul in a way even Kusuriyuri didn't. It was no time to consider Kusuriyuri and Kurama's warnings about becoming too enmeshed. At that moment, being able to cling to the idea of being River's A was helping him climb out of paralyzing, numbing despair.

"I want to be your A," he said with a faint sniffle. "I want to be your tree."

He'd have said, months ago, that he had accepted that he couldn't be L, that the time when he was meant to be L was long past, that being A was a different thing, his own thing. But it was only now that he was realizing what it really meant.

"You are," she assured him. Hugging him tightly. "I hope for always. You are sweet and wonderful, and even if you do things I don't like, I'll still love you. L will still love you, Schroedinger and Einstein, Kusuriyuri and Kurama. We'll all love you because you are A."

"I thought I was starting to know what it meant to be A," he tried to explain, nestling his face into the crook of her neck. "I, I just, I, I'm only starting to see that it really does mean not being L anymore. And that, I, I, I think that maybe L is just really learning that too."

"He needs to learn it. Just because someone wanted you to be like him, doesn't mean you should. You are learning who you are, and he is learning that he can't control everything. It is painful, but a necessary lesson."

"I think I like who I am learning to be," A said hoarsely. "I like being sensei's deshi and Kurama's student, Schrodinger and Einstein's caretaker, so, so many people's friend, and most of all River's boyfriend. Grower of gardens and maker of food. I didn't know it would hurt to let go all the way of being L's successor, even if I never really was."

He curled up against her, still shivering, drawing comfort from her nearness.

"It's hard to find yourself," she murmured, hugging him close. "But you're doing so well."

"I have a lighthouse now," he said, tipping his face up to hers and stroking her cheek. "Sensei and Kurama give me the tools to find my way, and you light my path."

River flushed, pleased by the sweetness of that praise. "I'll shine whenever you need me," she promised softly.

"And you'll help me find my way." He ran his fingers through her hair, reassuring himself that she was there, was real, and her comfort was solid and real. "I want to, I, I don't want you to need it, but I want to be strong enough to shine for you someday."

"You already shine," she smiled. "It's because of you I find my way."

"We'll be beacons for each other," A promised. "We'll keep each other strong." He kissed River's cheek, and Schrodinger butted against her chest, purring. "You've helped me, done so much, I, I needed you so much right now."

"I'm here for you," she giggled, hugging Schrodinger to her as she hugged A. "For as long as you need whenever you need."

"She is thanking you too," A said with a soft laugh, resting his head on River's shoulder and scritching Schrodinger between the ears. Einstein wound around their ankles adding his more reserved but no less affectionate purrs to the gathering. "I love you," he told her quietly.

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