hh_mirror | Application: Geek Love Miranda Barker/ Binewski

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Application: Geek Love Miranda Barker/ Binewski

This is not a strip-club.
She'd been meaning to pop into the dressing room and do a quick change. Instead she came out into the Sorting room wearing a green dress and elaborate makeup.
"Hello, hello, oh, hell!"
Life had taken a turn of the soap-opera kind lately, with the death of her alleged mother and all. Now she was walking into strange rooms.

A lone paper lay on the desk in front of her.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"What? I don't care. Any cheese. I don't get the fancy gourmet kinds- poor art student, after all."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

"I don't kill. And I certainly don't care that much about either the commedian or the unfortunate in the dinosaur costume." She paused thoughtfully. "Carrottop has interesting eyebrows, though. Could be botched plastic surgery."

3. What time is it where you are?

"Night- I was just about to go back out there and- oh, nevermind." she groaned.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

"I don't harass people. There are rules against that. I certainly don't pretend to be any old man to stalk people. If anyone in this 'Order of the Phoenix' caught my eye, I might ask them to sit for a portrait, but that's all."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"You've got the wrong person. I'm not a bartender at all. I'm a dancer at the Glass House -which is apparently someones idea of wit."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

"Telling people how to run their lives isn't my thing. I understand some people get a kick out of it, but I could care less. Whatever Harry wants, he'll have to figure it out for himself."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"I've arranged my life to avoid as much paperwork as possible. You obviously haven't."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

"Oh, that's low. Just because I dance...I'm going to be a medical illustrator and I took care of Chry-my gra- an old woman until she died. I have a right to be here, the same as you."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

"Well, I could do a portrait for you, though I prefer subjects with diseases, deformities, things that would go in a medical textbook. I'd offer a dance, but I only do that at the club, not for kidnappers." The word sounded silly even as she said it, but what else could this be? "Good luck getting any money for me." She folded her arms and snorted.

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. __Miranda Barker__________
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. __Miranda Barker_________.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _Miranda Barker__________.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _Miranda Barker____________"

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Oh. It's number twenty-one. The old albino hunchback lady. My mom. Well all the facts point to that, if I could bring myself to believe it.

"You're dead."

Miranda was just as articulate as Oly.

"Surgery? How could I? The woman's dead." Her voice comes out flat.

"Yeah, well, I got better," I respond dryly. This is shaping up to be one of the longer conversations Miranda and I are going to have, I just know it.

At her comment about the surgery, I find myself smiling. It's not a very nice smile, but it's a smile nonetheless. "Good." I say, with great feeling. "And good riddance to that bitch anyway." Except I know I don't mean it. Fucking Mary Lick still weighs on my conscience moe than I would ever admit to anybody.

"Those notes- I mean" (how the hell do I explain this?)
"Mary was a grade-A weirdo, but I gather she didn't have anything more horrific than the surgery scheduled for me. I mean, yeah knowing about the surgery and all I wouldn't want her working on me...

Miranda runs out of steam briefly.

"And you expected me to swallow all that, I mean 'Please note that cremation is a family traditon'? Really?

"It's the principle of the thing," I snap. "You were too good to be one of the norms." I take a deep breath, trying to find a moment of calm. "Yes, I admit, the shit in our family is weird," I say. "But there's so much of it, and you could coroborate some of it if you wanted to..." I have a feeling I'm totally fucking this up, but I don't know how to go about untangling all of the shit I've dumped in Miranda's lap in a sensible enough way to start having reasonable conversations.

"Oh the facts are true- though you can't think I'd believe that stuff about Chick. I just..." Miranda shook her head.

And there was that bit about 'norms'- 'one of us! one of us'

"I'm not put off by being related to you- actually it's kind of cool" A stupid teenage word, that
"But..."
Shock and outrage. What...the...</>

I nod. "Yeah. I can see that that would be the weirdest out of all of it." Chick... Goddamn. One of my biggest regrets was that I didn't do enough for him--couldn't do enough for him. But I don't tell her that.

Then something else she wrote on the application clicks into place. "Lil's dead?" I ask, and I feel a lump in my throat. Lil hadn't been herself for years, but she was still my mother. I'd kind of assumed it would be me taking care of her, even at the last, quietly and efficiently as I always did. But, yet again, I've fucked that up.

Miranda's voice was quieter "I took care of her for about a month. It was a stroke at the end."
She felt slightly ashamed of yelling at her apparent long-lost mother. But even so...

"I'm... glad you were there for her," I manage. "At least that kind of thing probably means she went painlessly." I hope so, at any rate. It was the least poor Lil deserved.

"Yeah, me too."
No matter that Lil was an endless embarassment and intrusion. Miranda turned red, thinking about all her irritation. At least she'd done the right thing.

"So what is this place? You didn't send me here, did you?" She damn well could have.

"It's a magic school," I answer. "And before you go rolling your eyes, it really is. Some of the people here can do things we never dreamed of at the carnival. And no, I didn't send you here. I don't think that's possible."

Miranda accepted this without comment. Actually she was thinking about rabbits and top hats.

"Then how did I get here? I need to keep this job- I've almost got enough for the next semester."

Another shrug. "I gather it's mostly accidental," I answer. "I suppose you really could leave if you want to, but most people don't. There is a library available to us, though, so there's no reason you couldn't continue your studies." Hell, mommy dearest even has contacts to get to the really good stuff, ie.e. the Restricted section. But I don't tell Miranda that, lest I come off as trying to bribe her to stay, which in turn would be horribly pathetic.

"It doesn't sound too bad" Miranda had to admit that.
"Though why are they giving this away for free? I don't trust that."

It's a fair question, and one I've thought about many times myself.

"I couldn't say," I answer. "I don't think that was the intention of the school's founders. I gather at one point, the selection process was pretty thorough. Now... who knows?" I mean, it's not as if either of us are the target wizarding demographic.

"Yes, standards are slipping everywhere."
Miranda was no less suspicious, but she waved it aside for now. At least now she had the opportunity to talk to the author of those notes. Still can't call her 'mother'. But now that she had the chance, she'd forgotten what she wanted to say.

"Anything else I should know about this place?"

I have a lot to say to Miranda, too, but I don't know where to start any of it. So I'm left to consider her question and eventually shake my head. "Be careful about what you eat," I tell her. "If food is lying around and you see people acting strangely, don't eat any of it."

Aha. So there was a catch.

"Why? What's wrong with it?"

"Well... you know how I said this place was magical? Some people enjoy enchanting food to produce interesting effects. But if you get food from the little weird-looking guys dressed in tea towels that look like elves? It's perfectly safe to eat then." I can't help snickering. "I... totally wish I wasn't making this up." I confess.

For the first time since meeting her..."mother." Miranda laughed. And laughed until she teared up a bit.

"Elves? Tea-towels? Oh God, I wish you could hear yourself."
She's not laughing at Oly, really, just being overwhelmed.
"Enchanting food? Sounds like college pranks."

I can't help smiling, too, not offended at all by her laughter. "This place is... beyond description," I tell her. "You're just going to have to learn about it on your own. And if this is all an elaborate college prank, I admire its planners."

"You're right about that."
Miranda looked down at her (alright, ok) mother and sighed very quietly. She might as well get used to calling her that.

And it seems we've come to the point where we're out of things to say to each other.

"I'm not hard to find, if you want to," I tell her, because it's the least awkward way I can think of to put it. I cast my vote quietly, wanting Miranda in Gryffindor as well so I at least know what she's up to, and then I take my leave.

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Application: Geek Love Miranda Barker/ Binewski

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Vote: Gryffindor