hh_mirror | Application: Baron Vladimir Harkonnen (canon version- not Lynch's movie version)

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Application: Baron Vladimir Harkonnen (canon version- not Lynch's movie version)

An immensely fat, red-headed man in a red velvet robe floats, not stands, over the desk, and looks at the parchment with only a slight hint of perceptible confusion. He blinks a few times, and frowns slightly as he finds the unfamiliar sight in front of him hasn't changed a bit. Too much Spice in that last dose, that's what this must be. Will have to have that medic strangled. . . and where are my guards? And the servants? Is it some Imperial test? Or I've suddenly become a Navigator. He smirks slightly, but betrays no outward sign of fear as he presses on something beneath his voluminous robe and floats closer to the desk.

The man contemplates the quill a moment before picking it up, running his fingers along the feathers as he peruses the questions before him. A slight look of perplexed dismay crosses his features as he carefully reads over the queries, raising an eyebrow quizzically at a few of them. Strangest bit of paperwork I've ever seen. Trick questions, perhaps- I'm unfamiliar with many of the terms, but, if this is a test, best to pass it. There's probably a poisoner waiting in the wings, impatient for failure. He glances around the room with a brief flicker of paranoia, but then focuses on the questions at hand, the look of confusion turning analytical as he begins to scrawl down his answers, occasionally pausing to fidget with the quill.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Where cheese is concerned, it is difficult to select a clear favorite. I am fond of most cheeses, excepting base, common cheeses like cheddar. As a demanding gourmand, I am aware that the art of selecting a cheese is strongly influenced by what accompanies that cheese. However, I personally believe that circumstances are strongly influential on one's overall pleasure with any experience, and so, any high-quality cheese taken directly from an enemy's high table would prove a far more satisfying cheese than any other.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Assuming that both of these individuals require killing, I would order the death of whichever was apprehended first, unless both apprehended at the same time. In this situation, if it appeared amusing, I would let them determine the order of their own deaths in a gladiatorial match against one another. It is good to have choices.

3. What time is it where you are?

The Baron Harkonnen pauses a moment, and looks around the room, as if seeking a clock or a window. Upon failing to he becomes contemplative a moment, deliberating the answer thoughtfully before putting pen to parchment.

Whatever time I declare it to be. The concept of numbered time is an abstract, and very human idea, easily reordered by switching a few numbers on a clock face.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Assuming I am someone returned from the dead, and still capable of sexual harrassment, I'd select the prettiest one, of course. I would be pleased to make my selection if someone would provide me with an image of this "Order of the Phoenix".

5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Although running a Barony is probably a great deal like attempting to bartend in the dark, my experience at this means that I am entirely unfamiliar with the profession of bartending, and have never held a bartender's position.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Mythology suggests that lover's triangles are ill-fated things, likely to cause wars and hasten the demise of empires, such as the legendary ancient affair of Antony and Cleopatra. So, any involvement with either this Fred or this George, whoever they may be, is likely to be unhealthy for Harry. Marriage, however, is a political affair, and so, whichever one holds the more powerful position is a logical answer, if he cannot avoid marriage entirely. He can always keep whoever he likes as a concubine.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Something I have learned in my profession as a planetary ~~tyrant~~ governor is that paperwork and idiots are two universal constants that no bureaucrat, regardless of rank, can avoid. As most of the paperwork is either necessitated due to the actions of idiots, or created by idiots, there will always be more paperwork, because anther idiot will place it on the desk even if it is clear there are more pressing matters at hand.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
Much of my professional career to this point has involved asking this very question to other people, and giving them good reasons for it to be worth answering. As I've held the contract for the most valuable planet in the universe, it is a question that I appear to be very skilled at asking, and that in itself is useful.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

I would like to hope that offering my experience, strategic skills, and general talent for weaving intricate plots within plots would prove enough of a bribe in itself. However, I am aware that most bribes should be material in nature, or at least accompanied by something material, and so I can offer a quantity of Spice, the most valuable substance in the universe.

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_

He returns the quill to its original position, and, drifts away from the desk to wait patiently. He betrays only a slight trace of nervousness as he fidgets with a fold of his robe, waiting for something to happen.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The Baron considered a moment, and nodded agreeably. "I expect that would work well- is that something you know how to make?" He was already beginning to miss having his servants, and he hadn't even been here that long. It was still longer than he felt like going without food, though, and, he was used to getting his desires on demand. It seemed like an important concern. "Where do we get food here, anyway?"

"I have, it is a recipe I have, I haven't tried making it but it sounds easy. And I am sure the house elves would help." He nodded. "There is almost always food in the great hall, but if there is something special you want, you can ask a house elf to bring it. They are very helpful."

"Well, that's very convenient, at least! I was beginning to grow concerned. And you should try that- cooking's a very useful talent. I at least appreciate it immensely." He smiled at A, extremely pleased to hear about the house elves. But. . .house "elf"? His smile because a bit confused. "But what's a "house elf"? It sounds like a servant? I thought elves were from ancient children's stories. Of course, I thought magic and dragons were too."

"House elves do the... most of the cooking, and many small chores. It makes life around here easier, having their help." He pieced together the last few remarks and cocked his head. "Are you hungry? I could have them bring you something."

This was a relief- at least he'd have his meals, which he required frequently, and, someone to do all the chores. He smirked inwardly at the thought of himself attempting to manage them, truly a ridiculous notion. "It makes life easier to have someone else to do the chores. And yes, I am, I'd appreciate that." He smiled at A- he'd already proven himself incredibly useful. And the Baron had to admit that he was very likeable. A strange, but undeniably pleasant contrast with his usual company, like Piter. He forced himself to repress the usual thoughts that came to mind involving good-looking young men. He doubted they'd go over well. He could see that becoming a frequent annoyance in this new place, but it appeared things could be much worse. He could have to do his own laundry.

It pleased A to be helpful, and the Baron had been friendly. A gestured for a house elf, and when one came, bent to look at it directly.

"Would you bring us some roasted chicken and sweet potatoes? And I would like some grape juice."

It seemed like a nice little meal.

The Baron bobbed slightly as he bent forward in his suspensors, attempting to see what A addressed, and his eyes widened instantly at the sight of the strange little creature. Was it -real-? It had to be. . . it did look real, and, everything else here seemed real enough. As good as roasted chicken did sound, it barely registered with him as he looked at the house elf. He managed to rasp, "And wine. . .", to try and see if the elf would listen to him too, but, it was possibly the least authoritative command he'd ever given. As this was the weirdest creature he'd ever seen.

The wrinkled little creature took note of the Baron's request with a bob of his head, and whisked off to do their bidding.

"I, the roast chicken, the herbs it is seasoned with, they're herbs I grew." A fact A was clearly proud of.

He seemed unaffected by the Baron's surprise at the sight of the house elf. The little creatures were fammiliar to him, after all.

How much stranger will things get, he thought. At least being stuck here wouldn't be boring, even if the servants were mildly unnerving. He'd get used to them. He got used to Piter, so he could probably get used to anything. He managed to recover from his brief surprise, being well-practiced at this at least. One had to be in politics. "Are they now?" He smiled at A, and his evident pride in his garden. "I'll be pleased to try them."

"There is usually roast chicken ready, so it should not take long. And I knew they were making sweet potatoes tonight." There were advantages to spending time in the kitchen. "The house elves are very good cooks. They are helping me learn."

"They seem very interesting. I've never seen anything like them before. I get the feeling that's an experience I'll need to get used to around here." He chuckled, adding, "And I'll guess that the house elves aren't the strangest thing, either." Real elves and talking dragons. He'd always thought he was good at planning for contingencies, but, this one had never come to mind.

"There is always something new and unusual," A agreed. "Like addictive spices."

At that, the house elf showed up with a laden tray; two plates of chicken and sweet potato, a goblet of white wine (house elves having firm notions on what went best with chicken) and a large glass of grape juice.

"They're -fast-!" The Baron's staff was as fast as they could manage, given what would happen if they weren't, but, even the most terrified slave would have taken much longer. "Impressive. And they'll just show up and bring things whenever you want them to?" He stared at the house elf, still a bit bewildered, but it did bring an excellent looking meal, which was both a distraction from the strangeness and a huge relief. "Will they bring anything at all? Are there limits?"

"If it was not something they had already made, it would not have been so fast," A cautioned. "I talk to them often so I know what sorts of foods they will probably have ready. But they can make most things, and are willing to learn new dishes. Mello says they don't make very good hot chocolate, but I like it."

The Baron looked around for someplace to sit down. "I'm sure this is a stupid question, but, what are they? They don't look human. Are they literally elves? Or did someone make them?"

"They've been here much longer than I have," A said with a shrug. "All the histories just talk about them being here. I don't know what they were before."

The Baron drifted over to a nearby chair which looked like it would be able to accommodate his immensity, and settled himself down. He was apparently stuck here, and wasn't going to stand around for dinner, it seemed terribly common. "Do they talk? How do you get them to show up?" He took his plate and wine from the house elf, and set into devouring the meal. This made him feel much better- it was definitely real food, and in fact well-made.

"They can talk," A assured him, "And they are very attentive. They won't come into a bedroom unasked but if you gesture for one in the halls you will get one who is ready to help you. They are sort of shy but very eager to please."

Of course, A's politeness with house elves made them more than usually eager to please him.

"And they seem to be skilled chefs- although, I expect your talents have contributed a great deal to this dish." He looked up from his swiftly-vanishing meal to give A a nod of approval. "Good herbs are always very important." He realized that a bedroom would also prove very useful after this "sorting" ordeal was over, and supposed that it probably had something to do with lodging locations. "Where do people here live, anyway? It looks like a castle?" That boded well, at least, it meant he might find something that wasn't unacceptable. Or, more accurately, have these house elves find something.

"In the castle, yes. When you are sorted you will know which House is yours, and you can find a room there."

The Baron held his wine up to the light. It appeared as legitimate as the rest, and, he was surprised to find the taste quite passable. "Are we able to leave this castle, once we're here? I do appreciate all your answers, by the way- you've been exceptionally helpful. That's not something I'll forget."

"Yes, we, I leave sometimes to go shopping with my friends. I don't like other places as much but going shopping sometimes is fun." He didn't feel up to explaining the whole floo system yet. "Why shouldn't I be helpful? It's kind of confusing to just show up here, and people helped me."

He took a deep drink of his wine and smiles thoughtfully. "I'd assume it's a choice- no one appears to be telling you that you have to be helpful. And no one here appears to have a clue who I am. It's extremely confusing to just show up here, and so I am grateful for your help." He gives A a grave nod of gratitude, adding, "What this means is that I owe you a favor. That is worth a great deal, where I come from. And I'm sure that with time, it will mean something here."

A wasn't naive enough to brush aside that offer; even if it wound up being meaningless, dismissing it could be offensive. "It sounds like you are a little more confident, then," he said with a smile. "I am glad."

"Information is extremely valuable- I now know that I have a great deal to learn, and, that's some orientation at least." He drains his glass and smiles at A. "Perhaps you could give me a tour of this place, when this is all over?"

Application: Baron Vladimir Harkonnen (canon version- not Lynch's movie version)

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