hh_mirror

Rodney McKay's first thought as he appeared in a large, doorless stone room was, Dear God, something has screwed us up again. His second thought was, I shouldn't have let Zelenka pick the technicians for calibrating the DHD! Look what it's done now!

He stopped, and looked around again. What had it done?

He was safe, it seemed, though lost. No Stargate or DHD was in sight. And nearby was a table - with a message?

Rodney went immediately to the table and picked up the sheet, reading it through quickly. His face, blank and a bit panicky, looked around yet a third time.

"Sheppard?" he called out nervously. "Is this some kind of a joke? Because if it is, I feel I must inform you that it's in extremely bad taste, let alone a really stupid idea, to play jokes using centuries-old technology just to pull a fast one on your pal Rodney. Your sense of humor lies just above the witty complexity of the common paramecium, and just below my four year old niece's! So if you don't mind, let's just have you jump out and say, 'boo!' or whatever it is you've got planned, and we can all go home. Is that okay with you? I'm extremely hungry, and my blood sugar is no doubt on the downswing, as it's getting closer to lunchtime, and... yes... I think I'm actually getting dizzy now. Do I look pale to you? I bet I look pale...."

Silence.

"Sheppard?" Rodney looked down at the sheet again, baffled. Who made this sheet, and why would they want to know what his cheese preferences were?

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

I'm lactose-intolerant. I need to take a special enzyme to digest all dairy and ovine products, but Carson's working on a gene therapy for me. You know, in addition to the whole... Wraith defense... thing. Um, am I in some sort of intergalactic dairy? Because seriously, I don't think this is funny at all.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Ye gods, it would HAVE to be Barney. I mean, I love my sister... you know, as much as one can be expected to when one sees them once every four years or so, and has to travel by Stargate just to get anywhere near her and her family and kids... but if she makes me watch that purple monstrosity one more time, I am going to shove her AND the big blob of violet felt through the universal matter bridge she... I... I... designed, and let her and the other universe all blow up together. Of course, that might have some rather negative implications for astrophysics on this side of the bridge, but hey, who says I'm not a guy willing to make sacrifices for the good of humanity?

3. What time is it where you are?

Tell me where I am, and where this planet is, and which galaxy we're in, and I can figure that for you in a second. Because, you see, asking what time it is is rather like asking, 'where am I in relation to the entirety of the cosmos,' which, as we know to a certain, rather Einsteinian degree, is an appropriate question, given the early relativity theory and the dynamic expansion of the whole universe. But when you figure in current and recent astrophysical discoveries, most significantly the discovery and use of the Stargate itself, it becomes an even harder concept to grasp. Well, harder for you, not me. I'm a genius. I... just forgot my watch is all.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Um... is this the question we should be asking right now? I mean, if you like, I can explain more about the physics affected by the Stargate, and how it distinctly defies both Newtonian and Einsteinian physics. Now - with the knowledge of the Asgard that we've obtained in the last several years, it seems that the best way to get around the universe is NOT a straight line, which the Ancients already knew, hence, the Stargate system. However, humans in general had yet to implement it, or indeed, to even pursue it beyond theory. Which, of course, you want to - I mean, I can't imagine anyone NOT wanting to, seeing how expansive the universe is, and all of the things that we've been able to do because of my work on the Ancients' Atlantis base. You see, I haven't just been dusting off their old inventions, I've been innovating myself, quite a bit, actually. And not to toot my own horn, so to speak, but it's been pretty much me working with a bunch of techs (despite what Zalenka says) and because of that, it's been an extremely difficult endeavor, yet I have achieved more than anyone now on earth could possibly have dreamed, even in their most forward-thinking science fiction.

What was the question?

5. If you are pushing to be in: A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

Ah - both clever AND witty. Well, you've come to the right place, now, haven't you? I do find myself to be a rather accomplished wit, as you might say, and thus would have an extremely, incredibly appropriate name. Are you ready? Here it is: call it Ten-Forward. Hah! I'm brilliant! It was witty and clever at the same time! Why does Sheppard never let me name things?

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

World mythology's not so much my thing, although knowing some historical facts can often aid you in intuitively discovering the scientific answer underlying the problem. Because that's all myth really is - something science hasn't gotten around to explaining yet. I mean, take that whole ascension thing. The 'achieve enlightenment, turn into a being of pure energy who knows all' thing. It's simply another step in human evolution, which hasn't necessarily got ties to all the spiritualist mumbo-jumbo most often associated with it. Enlightened human beings would know this, but those who were not yet as far along developmentally would see it as, yes, a form of 'magic.' One would think, then, that those newly ascended and evolved people would pass their knowledge along to those who remained behind. And to some extent, they did. But to a greater extent, they didn't - because then that wouldn't be true evolution, now, would it? It would simply be standing on a step-stool of evolution, rather than progressing in the logical steps mentally and physically needed to achieve ascension.

Oh, and did I mention I'm no good with relationships?

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

Of COURSE I'm smart - there's no 'supposed to be' about it. I mean, come on. But what YOU need is to get yourself a better computer, and a squad of lab techs. Is that so hard? No. I didn't even have to think about it at all, and I'm a genius. So I am fairly sure that if you are skilled enough to tie your own shoes in the morning without hanging yourself by them, you could have figured that out on your own. Can I go now? I have work to do.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Useless? USELESS? ME?!? I don't suppose I need to tell you how many times I've saved the galaxy - more than one galaxy, in fact - especially under the extreme duress of dealing with life-or-death situations for hundreds or even thousands of people constantly, day in and day out, all while dealing with the Wraith, the scourge of the Pegasus galaxy, and... and once... I blew up a solar system. But that was in the interest of science, and it was an uninhabited solar system. All completely expendable, of course, and well worth the risk. God knows there's enough power out there in the universe... I hate to think that it's all limited to what we can pull out of whatever ZedPM's we can find. You don't... happen to have one, by the way, do you? No, no... I thought not.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

I can do anything you need that's scientific, practical, teaching, or otherwise, because I'm the smartest person in this galaxy, or any other. Have you heard of Col. Samantha Carter? Lovely woman. Had a thing for me. Well, most of the stuff she's known for, we worked together on. I mean, without me, she'd just have been stuck... but it took me to grasp the knowledge firmly... and to show her the... um... grasping her... she... Sam and I... What was I talking about?

Right. Bribes. Hm, well... I suppose access to the Stargate would be one thing, but I can't offer it, as I currently have neither a gate, nor a DHD with which to dial it. So, I guess you're limited to what's in my vest pockets in the way of basic military survival gear, and, you know... what's in my brain, which is infinitely more valuable than anything in my pockets, that's for sure. So, my bribe... is me. Pure and simple brain power that can bridge universes, destroy solar systems, and fix Ancient technology. That, and my winning smile.

"I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ____MRM________ I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____MRM_______. I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ____MRM_______. One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______MRM_______"