hh_mirror | And the truth shall be used against you in every way possible ((closed RP, Mello, Matt, A))

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And the truth shall be used against you in every way possible ((closed RP, Mello, Matt, A))

So, Matt and L...ouch, the thought alone hurts. But, Matt seems happy with L...or maybe I'm reading way too much into what I saw in the bar. Between finding out Near is indeed ticklish and practicing, though, I haven't had a chance to really find him and ask him. And, asking in the bar would have been...well, even I'm not that direct.

And, since I still want to be able to talk to him, I'm not sending him an owl.

So, I've been tracking him down. I start at the library, then the Great Hall, then his room. Why I didn't try here first, I don't know. It would have saved me time. I don't hear sounds of gaming as I knock, but there are some sounds behind the door.

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"That was... really fucked-up." Matt sits on one of the long benches at the tables while they wait for their stuff. "D'you think we should owl Ryuuzaki ourselves?"

I nod. "Yeah, but...I'm honestly not sure how he'd react to an owl from me about it. I mean, you know and he knows how I feel about him." I shrug. "But, yeah, I think we should let him know."

"I still think you should give him a chance," Matt shrugs. Now is a nice time to pretend the conversation in his bedroom didn't happen. "I'll owl him, if you want."

He glances over at A. "Jesus. Poor kid."

I frown at him. "Think about it Matt. I bitch at Ryuzaki every chance I get. And then I send him an owl. If you were in his position, what would you do? Would you even look at the note? Honestly?"

I follow his gaze. If he manages to get the right training, maybe not such a poor kid.

"I meant in general. And I don't think he's the type to dismiss a note just because you don't get on, anyway."

"In general, I can learn to, if the need arises. But, this case specifically, he's likely to think I did something to the note. It would get through faster if you sent it." Well, there, that's subtle. You start dating and I'll learn to get along with L.

"It's not a 'need arises' sort of thing. He's a good friend." Whatever. Mello's loss.

"I'll write to him."

I shrug. "It's hard to think of someone you've been pushed your whole life into becoming as 'friend' material." And how did L become a 'good friend' in such a short amount of time? That hurts, strangely. "And, good. He needs to know and I'm not sure A would tell him what he really needs to know, though I'm sure he'd figure it out, but let's save him time, for once."

"I guess. Still." Near didn't seem to be having too much trouble with it. And Matt could make the argument that he'd gone to Wammy's too, but... he knows it was different for Mello and Near.

Matt thinks through the conversations he and L have had about A. "He might have already told him. I'm not sure, but it's not impossible."

"Would you just send him the goddamned note. It's not like you're asking him out or anything," I snap. And then I realize what I said. "Oh, shit, I'm sorry," I mutter.

A short, awkward pause.

"... I already said I was going to," Matt points out.

Luckily, at this moment, fries and hot chocolate arrive! Thank god.

I stare at the hot chocolate. I'm sure it's going to be awful. "Look, I'm not sorry I brought it up. I mean, it's not like you have to do anything, but I think you should at least be aware of what you're feeling." I take a sip of the cocoa and try not to gag on it. Too much sugar. Why do they insist on putting sugar in it. Cocoa is simple, milk, creme, and chocolate, dark chocolate. I sigh in the cup.

"... dude, are you sure you're not just - bothered?"

I look up. "Bothered?" I echo. "What do you mean?"

He picks up a fry, frowning. "Like... I dunno. You don't seem very pleased about... stuff."

My frown deepens. "You know, it helps if you finish your sentences with proper words. 'Stuff' could be anything. 'Stuff' could be this hot chocolate, and no, I'm not pleased with it. It's too sweet." I glare at him. "What exactly do you mean by 'stuff,' Matt?"

"I don't know. Me hanging out with Ryuuzaki so much?"

He know that sounds stupid, and probably comes across as wishful thinking, and everything he says or does in regards to Mello is sort of suspect now anyway, isn't it, because of this stupid crush. Or whatever it is.

And now it'll be the same with L. Even if Matt says he doesn't.

Fuck.

Okay, let's see if I can not be an ass. I look at the cocoa in my mug, talking slowly so I can think. "Matt, you're my friend. That's first and foremost. If...if being with Ryuzaki, however you guys decide to be together, makes you happy, then I can quit bitching at you. But, I don't want you not going after what'll make you happy because you're too..." How am I going to say this? I bite my lip and go for broke, "...because I screwed up, okay."

"... screwed up?"

Matt isn't sure he wants to know. He suddenly really isn't hungry. Did Mello think - was he talking about...

"Today," I reply. "I kinda came at you wrong today." I'm still staring at my cocoa. I pull a wry face. "Stupid, isn't it? I'm supposed to be the expert on human behavior and I can't even talk to my best friend right." I put the cup down on the table and look at Matt. He's a little pale... oh, shit. "I really did mean today," I say quickly. That was probably a bad idea to say. I decide and actually manage to shut up.

"Yeah," Matt says with a shaky laugh, "you're really not good at this stuff right now."

He sits for a few minutes, heart still hammering (stupid).

Matt doesn't think it was a mistake. Sleeping with Mello. He knows it's not going to happen again, he knows it's made things more complicated with Near and that he'd probably be a bit more content if it hadn't happened. But he doesn't think it was a mistake.

He's not going to ask Mello what he thinks about it.

"Okay."

"I really did mean just today," I repeat, slower. "I just...Ryuzaki has a way of getting me to shove my foot in my mouth, y'know." Oh, god, I really hope he doesn't think I meant sleeping with him. Yeah, it made things weird, but I wouldn't ever call it a mistake. I reach over and touch the back of his hand. "Just today," I repeat, hoping I really don't have to explain more. "And, I'll work on keeping my temper around Ryuzaki, okay?" Not that that'll be easy, but for Matt, I can try.

"Okay. That'd be cool." Matt looks at Mello's hand over his, expression unreadable.

He thinks - he isn't sure what he thinks. He'd prefer to have a little more time to go over this in his head.

I get the horrid feeling that I've seriously messed things up. I take my hand back and wrap it around the awful hot chocolate. I feel myself huddle around it. "Maybe being direct is the wrong approach sometimes," I mutter. "I...I really am sorry about today. But, I want you to be happy, too." God, that sounds lame. I mean it, but it sounds lame.

"It's fine, man, chill out." He rubs his forehead, above the goggles. "I think - I don't think I do, but I'm not... it's cool."

He takes a handful of fries. God.

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