Nodding, she looked vaguely relieved. As if just a piece of the weight she was carrying around was allowed to fall off. "Okay," she whispered as she walked past him. "Okay. Good."
His room looked extremely different than the last time she'd been there - it didn't look like someone had been huddled up for days, unwilling to leave. Which was good. She didn't want Sirius to be miserable. The initial anger had dissipated into something more tired. Lily just wanted to go back. She wanted to stop thinking about this. But she had no idea how.
"I don't know what to do," she admitted. She wandered around the room slowly, her fingers hooked in the back pockets of her jeans to keep them from twisting nervously. "I mean, honestly. I just... I can't figure out where to go from here."
She glanced back at him. "There's this bloke. And I love him. More than...more than anything. I trusted him. And I know that mistakes happen. Merlin, do I know. It's not that. It's not that I can't conceive that he'd make a stupid decision. It's not even that I hate him for it."
Taking a small breath, she let her eyes wander again, roaming over the room as she tried to find the words she wanted. "It's that I was helpless. I hate that. There's this big blank in my memory where I was totally vulnerable. And this bad thing happened and I have...I have no control over it. So how do I trust him again? How do I look at him or be with him knowing that?" She paused, crossing her arms in front of her, continuing to pace.
"Our first kiss. The first time he touched me. The first moment he wanted me and I wanted him and we were together - all these memories I thought we shared, and... And it's all not true. He's thinking of something I don't even remember. He's seeing something that I...that I might as well not even have been a part of."
There was something desperate in her voice as she turned back to him. "What do I do? I mean, he lied to me, Sirius. To my face. On numerous occasions. He did this, he lied to me, and he left me alone when I needed him. But..." She shrugged. "But I love him. Should I just chuck aside all of that over one mistake? I...I don't know what to do."
She needed someone to talk to. Someone to help her get perspective. Because she really just was at a loss. Running one hand through her hair, she raised one eyebrow at him. This was weird and awkward and completely insane, but it was also a last resort.
Hey, he'd wanted her to open up. This is what it was like.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2007-05-30 11:42 pm (UTC)His room looked extremely different than the last time she'd been there - it didn't look like someone had been huddled up for days, unwilling to leave. Which was good. She didn't want Sirius to be miserable. The initial anger had dissipated into something more tired. Lily just wanted to go back. She wanted to stop thinking about this. But she had no idea how.
"I don't know what to do," she admitted. She wandered around the room slowly, her fingers hooked in the back pockets of her jeans to keep them from twisting nervously. "I mean, honestly. I just... I can't figure out where to go from here."
She glanced back at him. "There's this bloke. And I love him. More than...more than anything. I trusted him. And I know that mistakes happen. Merlin, do I know. It's not that. It's not that I can't conceive that he'd make a stupid decision. It's not even that I hate him for it."
Taking a small breath, she let her eyes wander again, roaming over the room as she tried to find the words she wanted. "It's that I was helpless. I hate that. There's this big blank in my memory where I was totally vulnerable. And this bad thing happened and I have...I have no control over it. So how do I trust him again? How do I look at him or be with him knowing that?" She paused, crossing her arms in front of her, continuing to pace.
"Our first kiss. The first time he touched me. The first moment he wanted me and I wanted him and we were together - all these memories I thought we shared, and... And it's all not true. He's thinking of something I don't even remember. He's seeing something that I...that I might as well not even have been a part of."
There was something desperate in her voice as she turned back to him. "What do I do? I mean, he lied to me, Sirius. To my face. On numerous occasions. He did this, he lied to me, and he left me alone when I needed him. But..." She shrugged. "But I love him. Should I just chuck aside all of that over one mistake? I...I don't know what to do."
She needed someone to talk to. Someone to help her get perspective. Because she really just was at a loss. Running one hand through her hair, she raised one eyebrow at him. This was weird and awkward and completely insane, but it was also a last resort.
Hey, he'd wanted her to open up. This is what it was like.