Reflections (Closed One-shot)

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

((Warning for intense emo and tl;drness. Set the day after this.))



Ten steps one direction. Turn. Ten steps in the other. Turn. All the while repeating one word over and over under her breath, like a mantra. Like a prayer.

James. James. James. James.

After the third pass Lily paused, staring at the door in front of her. Her fingers reached out to brush the burnished brass of the door handle before her hand fell back again to her side without applying the pressure necessary to actually push the door open. For what felt like an eternity, Lily simply stood there, her heart thundering in her ears, her breath lost somewhere in the back of her throat. Then, steeling herself, she swung open the door to the Room of Requirement and stepped inside.

With no small amount of trepidation she looked around. Asking to speak with a dead man was dangerous at best, especially when one mucked around with powerful magic one couldn’t even hope to understand. She was twice the fool for trying this, and anyone would have the right to call her an idiot for it. The risk wasn’t worth it. Merlin knew what the room would conjure up for her. But she didn’t care. After three days of not speaking with Sirius (except for a string of owls which ended badly and had only served to widen the rift between them), of not even catching a glimpse of him in the hallways, Lily was desperate. This could not be how it ended. She refused.

But she was also at the end of herself. Everything she did only made it worse. What was horrible about the whole situation was that Lily really wanted to talk to James. Whenever she had over-thought herself right into a sodding corner, he’d always been able to say just the thing she needed to hear. Whether it was telling her she was an idiot or giving her another point of view or even just listening as she rambled, James had known what to do. He’d been her best friend, and in losing him, Lily had lost the person she’d come to rely on. Sirius had taken that place in many ways over her months back at Hogwarts, but now Lily wanted James. Needed him. Because James knew both her and Sirius better than anyone else in the world. Besides, it wasn’t as if she could go to Sirius to talk this out. Lily knew she couldn’t have her husband back. She wasn’t even remotely hoping for that. All she wanted was a conversation with her best friend. Somehow, to hear his voice again. To be able to ask him for advice.

The door had opened on an empty room. Cobwebs littered the ceiling, moth-eaten drapes barely covered the large window that looked out onto the moors. But in the middle of the floor was the most intriguing thing. A huge mirror sat, its frame obviously ancient, its surface murky and dust covered. Slowly, Lily walked over to stand in front of it. With one sleeve she wiped off the glass, the reflection of her puzzled face staring back at her. This...was not what she’d been expecting.

After the glass was clean, Lily stood back again. Her reflection looked out at her and Lily had time to contemplate how pale she looked, how frizzy her hair was, and how her clothes were hanging on her too-thin frame again. Then the surface of the mirror rippled slightly, almost imperceptibly. As if the light had shifted. Blinking, Lily frowned at it, confused as to what a mirror had to do with her talking with James.

But then, slowly, like mist rising to cover the lake, another figure appeared in the mirror even as Lily’s own reflection disappeared. That familiar shock of unruly hair, those hazel eyes, crinkled now in amusement, that smile that simply took her breath away...

“James,” Lily breathed. Without thinking, her hand reached out to touch him, and she blinked when her fingers touched cool glass instead of his arm. A painful tightness gripped her throat and, fingers curling back into a fist, Lily let her hand drop.

He was staring at her, drinking her in with the expression of a starving man seeing food for the first time in years. “Lily.”

At the sound of his voice something inside of Lily broke. Suddenly she was sobbing, kneeling on the floor, her cheek pressed to the mirror, her fists uselessly beating on the glass that was separating her from him. Long moments passed where her heartbroken cries filled the room, underscored James’ soft, soothing noises. An expression of pained longing on his face, the James in the mirror knelt as well, his own hand flat against his side of the glass as if desperately trying to push through. “Lily, shhh,” he murmured, looking at her. “Please, love, look at me. We don’t have much time.”

Tear-stained eyes were turned up to him and Lily’s hand slid up to press against where his was, her fingers curled slightly as if in a useless effort to lace with his. “I didn’t think it would work,” she said hoarsely. “Merlin, James, if I’d known it would work I’d...”

“You’d never have left,” he finished for her, a sad, fond smile crossing his face. “You would have sat here every day, staring at a man who couldn’t touch you, talking with a reflection who couldn’t live beyond this room. Evans, come on. You’re smarter than this. You know what this is.”

Her free hand scrubbed across her face, wiping away the last of her tears; a frown creased her brow. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is the Room of Requirement. I wanted to talk to you. So I...” Then some piece fell into place and Lily’s heart sank, another tiny sob catching in her throat. “This isn’t real. You aren’t real.”

“Of course I’m not, you nutter,” James’ other hand touched the glass as if he’d reached out to brush one thumb across her cheek to sweep away a tear. With a frustrated look, he simply ran his fingers across the glass and sighed. “You wanted to talk to me. But I’m gone, Lily; and even this room can’t change that. So, it gave you the next best thing. I’m your memories of me. I can be what you need, just for now, just for this. But no, I’m not real. And you have to remember that; or else you will waste your life away in front of this mirror. But you have me right now. So,” he grinned at her, “talk.”

Pausing, Lily studied him for a moment. Her hand went up to slowly slide along where his cheek was. And James closed his eyes, jaw working, brow creasing as he willed himself to be able to feel her. But it wasn’t real, and Lily’s fingers only touched the mirror, not his face. Both frustrated, now, they looked at each other. Then Lily started to laugh. Leaning her forehead against the mirror, she gave in to the helpless giggles that were the only option open to her besides debilitating tears. James rested her forehead against where hers would be and sighed, smiling ruefully, shaking his head. “Your head is a crazy place, Evans,” he told her, voice low and tender, one corner of his mouth edging up into a half-smile. “Trapping me in a mirror. I always knew you were insane.”

Waiting until she paused for breath, James sat back, looking at Lily expectantly. “So.” A sly smile crossed his face. “Have a thing for Black, have you? Little minx. Good to see, though, that you still have exceptional taste.”

The laughter faded along with the urge to break down into tears. Now she was just numb. Here was James, but he wasn’t real. He was just as she remembered him because he was nothing more than her memories. “Or a masochistic desire to be with thick-headed, egotistical Wizards,” she retorted, smile a bit shaky, still, but genuine. She didn’t fully understand this, but there was no way Lily was going to miss a second with him. Something flickered in her eyes as she studied him. “Merlin, James, I miss you.” Voice breaking, Lily swallowed hard. “Every day, I miss you. I... I’m beginning to forget what you smelled like.” It sounded silly, but that small admission was enough to make Lily’s face crumple slightly. “I don’t want to be here without you,” she admitted, all in a rush. “I never wanted to be here without you. I’m sorry, James, I’m so sorry. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be and I don’t know what to do and I miss you. Oh, God, I miss you. So much it hurts.”

“Lily,” James’ voice was pleading, and, once more, he pressed one hand flat against the glass, his palm going white with the force behind it. “Lily, no, love, please. Listen to me. I know. I know. I don’t want you to be there without me. I never wanted to leave you. Merlin, Lily, if I could...” Now it was his turn to break off. Jaw set, eyes bright, James tried again. “I’m sorry. But you’re doing just fine. I’m proud of you, Lily. I’m so sodding proud of you. And I love you. I always loved you.”

Tears once more were tracing down Lily’s cheeks and the desire to curl up in James’ arms was overwhelming. The best she could do was lay her hand on top of his - on top of the reflection of his - and lock her eyes on his face. Consuming the sight of him. “I love you,” she responded, fiercely. “I have never stopped. I never will stop. I love you, James Potter.”

“Merlin, I could listen to you say that all day,” he said, a silly smile on his face, the corners of his mouth trembling slightly.

Time slipped by as the two of them simply sat, talking. Lily telling this memory-James about Harry, about the man their son had become. About how Hogwarts had changed. About Peter, about Remus, and how wrong they’d both been. And then, inevitably, the conversation turned to Sirius.

“You’d be amazed,” Lily said after a bit of quiet. She was composed, now, resigned to this goodbye - because she’d realized, somewhere along the way, that that’s what this was. Her brain giving her a final farewell to her husband. And if this was nothing more than a trick of magic and her memory, then it was a bloody good one and she was going to take it for all it was worth. Because she got to hear James’ voice again, got to see his face. “What he endured, it should have broken him. But, James, despite the haunted look he sometimes gets, despite the scars, he’s still Sirius. He’s become this incredible man. I’m in awe of him.”

“You love him.” The reflection of James was sitting back, propped up on his arms, watching her face carefully. He said this with no consternation or accusation. It was a simple fact, stated quietly.

Even though she knew that this was simply a collaboration of her various memories of him, Lily’s eyes still jumped guiltily up towards him. Blowing out a breath, she was silent, staring out the window as the moon chased clouds across the sky. “I do,” she admitted. “I love him so much, James. And it’s not anything that makes you less; I always was afraid that I couldn’t love someone and still love you. But I can. I do.”

It was James’ turn to sit quietly, his thumb rubbing across his knuckles reflectively. “Do you know what I want for you, Lily?” he asked, eyes going to hers, a smile easing across his face. “I want you to be happy. And loved. I want you to have someone who needs you, someone you feel safe with. You should have someone to cook for, someone who won’t let you get lost in those bloody books of yours. Someone who makes you smile, who makes you laugh, who never lets you get too serious. I want you to be in love, because you have too big of a heart to let it go to waste, grieving all the things we lost.”

Somewhere, in some part of her, Lily had needed to hear that. Imperceptibly, her shoulders relaxed, some of the tension easing away. “I know.”

“Of course you do,” he chuckled, rolling his eyes. “Beyond the obvious ‘I’m all in your head, Evans, you crazy bird,’it’s the same thing you’d want for me. To be happy. So, go be happy, Lily. You love me. I knew that when I was alive. I knew that every second of every day. And you were everything I could have dreamed of. But you can’t let my death be the end of your life, too. This is a fucked up, messy, out of the blue second chance. Grab hold, Evans. Stop thinking so much and just do.”

“He doesn’t love me.” That was out before she could stop it, the pain behind it evident in her face. Lily shrugged, trying for a smile. “We’re not even speaking at the moment.”

“Because you’re both stubborn as hell.”

Rolling her eyes at him, now, Lily snorted. “You’re one to talk, Potter.”

Tapping his finger against the glass, James arched and eyebrow at her, grinning widely. “You love stubborn men, Evans. It’s a curse and a blessing.” The teasing faded from his eyes slightly as he leaned forward, intent on getting through to her. “Look, Lily. I don’t know everything that happened.” He paused, then flashed her a cocky smile. “Well, all right, I do, because you do. But my point is, I don’t need to know all the details. You’re not being honest with him. That’s your problem.”

“He knows,” Lily protested. “The Jenga thing...”

“Have you told him?” James cut her off, giving her a stern look. “Or are you just assuming he’s mad about what you think he’s mad about?”

Opening and closing her mouth several times, speechless, Lily huffed out a breath and crossed her arms. “I snogged him pretty damn good, Potter. He’d have to be fairly dense not to see what’s going on.”

“Thick as a dragon’s tits,” he laughed. “That’s Padfoot for you. Lily, come on. He’s a bloke. He’s probably confused as hell. Or maybe - “

“Don’t say it.” Lily held up one hand in warning. “He doesn’t.”

James sighed. “You don’t know that, Evans.”

“I do.”

“Oh, you’re excelling at Divination, now?” Running one hand through his hair, he sat back again. “You’re lucky I love you so much, stubborn woman that you are. Fine. He thinks you smell like Thestral dung and he’d rather snog Snape than you. But the fact remains you haven’t told him. And you’re not going to be settled until you get it all out in the open. I know you, Evans. You always hated the sneaking and the hiding and the half-truths. You’d much rather just deal with something, no matter how unpleasant. So, deal with it. Tell him. And go on from there.” James gave her a small smile, expression softening. “Padfoot is one of the good ones, Lily. You two will figure it out.”

Twisting her fingers together, Lily was absorbed for a moment in contemplating one nail, worrying her lip between her teeth. Finally, a breath she hadn’t even realized she’d been holding exhaled in a low sigh and she nodded. “I’ll do something.”

“That’s specific.”

“Oh, bugger off, you,” she laughed, grinning in spite of herself. “I’ll do something. I can’t just march up to him and declare my undying love. I... I just can’t. But I will do something.”

“What, then?”

“I don’t know yet.”

For a minute James looked as though he was going to pry further. But then he nodded, relaxing slightly. “Good,” he told her quietly. “See that you do.”

As if that had been some unspoken cue, both he and Lily looked at each other and then slowly, reluctantly, stood. “He’ll take care of you,” James told her. His hand reached out to brush back some hair from her face and, for just a second, eyes shut tight, Lily could almost feel his fingers ghost across her cheek. “And you take care of him for me, yeah? And our son. Take care of Harry.”

Eyes blinking back open, tears once more welling in them and making them shimmer even more brilliantly green than normal, Lily nodded. “Of course,” she said thickly. “Silly man. Of course.”

“That’s my girl.” James was crying too, now, tears escaping to roll down his cheeks. Both palms were flat against the glass in a desperate final attempt to touch her. “I love you, Lily Evans Potter. I love you. So go out and be happy, all right?”

Unable to force words past the lump in her throat, Lily simply placed her hands next to his and nodded, eyes scanning James’ face. Memorizing him all over again. “I love you,” she managed, a smile breaking across her face even as the tears fell.

At that he smiled back, brilliantly, with all the love and pride and longing that could never be expressed, but that a wife, his wife, would be able to read nonetheless. “All right, then.”

And then, slowly, the reflection of James faded. No matter how tightly Lily pressed her hands to the glass, how intently she tried to keep her eyes on him, he gradually disappeared. Until it was only her staring back at herself.

For several achingly long beats she stood, frozen, vision blurred and watery. Then, with a shaky breath, Lily pulled away. He was gone.

How she made it back to Ravenclaw, Lily would never quite be able to say. She only knew that one moment she was in the Room of Requirement, staring at an empty mirror, and seemingly the next she was back in her room. Feeling worn and tired and hurting. Lily curled up on her bed, staring out across the room. And, for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, she felt her eyes tug shut on their own, felt her body relaxing into sleep by itself. And she dreamed of James.