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hh_mirror2006-06-09 02:06 pm
dice-addict.livejournal.com) wrote in hh_mirror2006-06-09 02:06 pm
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WART 32: Potions and Evil Clowns, hosted by Ryuuji and Stephen.
Ryuuji: Welcome, one and all, to the first ever themed edition of WART! Stephen and I are going to your hosts for tonight, and we've decided to make the show revolve around Potions and Evil Clowns -- or more specifically, the repelling and hunting down of Evil Clowns. First, before you do anything, get your shot glasses out and make some Evil Clown Repellant to chug down while you listen to the show. Stephen and I have already taken a shot each, and we'll be taking a shot before each song played, just for luck. Stephen, would you do the honors of reading out the recipe for Evil Clown Repellent Red?
Stephen: *clears throat and intones solemnly* To make Evil Clown Repellent Red, you will need six ounces of spirits -- vodka works quite well -- six ounces of water, and three ounces of powdered animal hoof that has been colored red and has some sort of flavor associated with the concept of redness. In a clean cauldron, boil the water together with the spirits. Carefully add the powdered animal hoof and be sure to blend it thoroughly, else there will be unappealing lumps, and the effectiveness against clowns will suffer.
Pour the resulting mixture into small cups and give it to the house elf to put somewhere cool, God knows where they put things around here. Then have the house elf bring it back when it has become sort of congealed.
Ingest with courage and zeal!
Ryuuji: ...Way to make it sound unappetizing, Stephen. Man, even I'd be dubious of drinking something that sounded like that. But trust me, listeners out there in radio land, you'll appreciate it when the Evil Clowns come a-calling! And to start off the show on the right footing, we're playing Death of a Clown by The Kinks!
Ryuuji: *takes a shot*
Stephen: *also takes a shot*
Well, it is unappetizing, you know. But healthful, very healthful. Evil clowns are adverse to your health.
Ryuuji: *cheerfully agrees* Oh, they're awful. They'll strip the bones from your hands, then ask you to do magic, the kind that needs you to make motions with your fingers. So the trick for that is to use magic to manipulate your fingers, the kind that only requires willpower, but to keep the magic away from the tips of your fingers because that's where the first type of magic funnels out. And that means you need both skill and creativity to pull it off, which is why it's so much easier to just stay away from evil clowns in the first place! Because who'd want to go through all that effort if they can avoid the pain in the first place? Even having your bones put back in hurts, you know.
Unless you take lots of painkillers! And Evil Clown Repellant is better than painkillers, because it makes pain unnecessary and deadens any pain you might be feeling. Evil Clown Repellant: Mix up a batch today!
Stephen: *is horrified* *takes another shot*
Ryuuji: *takes a shot as well!*
Stephen: Listeners, you may be appalled by our graphic tales of the atrocities perpetuated by Evil Clowns. I assure you, it is necessary to make clear exactly how dire a menace they pose.
Should you be unable to locate any of the red variety of powdered animal hoof, it is even worthwhile to resort to the unholy blue variety.
Consider it medicinal.
Ryuuji: *blinkblink* The blue is a last resort type of thing. Only use it if Evil Clowns are knocking on your door and seeking to take you away for sacrifices. Generally speaking, they'll revive you after killing you so that they can use you again, but I don't recommend just going along with them just 'cause the death won't be permanent. Because dying hurts, especially when it's a ritual death. Go for the blue, my fellow fighters against Evil Clowns! Go for the blue!
*laughs* And isn't there a band called Blue, some British group? I don't think that I have any of their songs, but I do have a song by Daft Punk, and their music videos have blue people in them, so that's a good enough connection for me!
*downs another shot* So, everyone, listen up to a very cool dance mix that's very popular over in Europe with the clubbing crowd! It's called One More Time (celebrate). Play it after a good bout of Evil Clown vanquishing for the full enjoyment.
Stephen: I recall you mentioning this phenomenon of "clubbing" before. Do you think evil clowns might also go clubbing?
Ryuuji: I very much doubt it. *takes another shot* Because clubbing, you see, is fun. And Evil Clowns don't want people to have fun. Because they're evil. And clowns. And therefore, they stay away from places that people have fun in, or they kidnap you from there. Like, if you're a drunk girl staggering out of a club or a drunk boy, then they're likely to lure you away, staple you to the center of a hexagram-Horus-thingie, and then cut your throat and chant lots. So if you're in a club, stay there. There's safety in numbers!
*takes another shot* Unless they need lots of power, in which case they just burn down the entire club and you're trapped inside a blazing building. But that's kinda inefficient, so I don't think that you need to worry about it because any Evil Clown worth their greasepaint knows that it's important to have the minimum input of energy for the maximum output.
*consumes a third shot* ...Plus, clubs sell Evil Clown Repellant. You can even do bodyshots for extra luck in keeping Evil Clowns away!
Stephen: ... Dear God. A terrible thought has come to me. What if evil clowns have their own clubs?
Ryuuji: *splutterchoke*
Ryuuji: *makes frantic hand gestures indicating he'd like to be hit on the back or possibly inherit an elephant, it's hard to tell*
Stephen: *thumps on Ryuuji's back vigorously*
Ryuuji: *coughs, both hands over his mouth, swallows weakly* Argh. Thank you, Stephen. *indignantly* See? SEE? Evil Clowns can put your life in danger just by being mentioned!
Stephen: *helpfully* Here, have some Evil Clown Repellent Green.
Its unnatural color wards off the unnatural evil clowns -- fighting fire with fire, as it were.
Perhaps we should research further potions that might aid in the war against evil clowns.
Ryuuji: *downs the lime Jello shot, then chases it don with another red* I think we should. Like, for example, Evil Clown Repellent ala Sex On The Beach. Because if fun is anathema to them, sex should definitely be!
Stephen: *almost chokes, begins coughing* We did not need that mental image.
Ryuuji: *whacks on back cheerfully* Well, think about it! If a teen of sixteen is talking about something that happened twenty years ago to drive his father insane, then his father had already been insane for four years before the child was born, meaning that he had to have had sex with someone to create the boy.
*pauses, takes another shot* Unless they were kidnapped from an orphanage, of course. But that's kinda a stretch. Seto and Mokie came from an orphanage but they weren't kidnapped. Seto got them out. He's really, really cool like that and took awesome care of Mokie. He and Mokie are the best little baby brothers ever! I should play a song for them. I owe them years of birthday presents and stuff, after all! Poor them.
It's so weird suddenly finding out that you have family from nowhere when you'd always thought that you were an only child, but I really am happy to have Mokie and Seto as brothers. They rock!
And so, in the name of family love that doesn't involve Evil Clowns at all, let's play I'd Do Anything For Love by Meatloaf. Because love doesn't have to be romantic to be real, and because Evil Clowns can't love.
Stephen: *is drinking more*
Ryuuji: *pause* Evil Clowns can make Potions though. Maybe even love potions! Like, um, Stephen, what's that Love Potion Number something song?
Stephen: Oh, the one we dug out of the archives before we started consuming Evil Clown Repellent? I think I know where it is. *rummaging around* Here. I hope Evil Clowns never make a love potion. They would undoubtedly use it for evil.
Ryuuji: They would create a little army of mini-clowns. Knee-sized clowns. Midget clowns. And they'd stunt their growth so that the mini clowns would never grow tall enough to look them in the eye, and the little clowns would just smile up at you, all sweet and cute and innocent... THEN DROP A GRENADE DOWN YOUR TROUSERS.
Ryuuji: *takes another shot, well on the way to totally blitzed by now* And that would be part of their plan to stop normal people reproducing so that the whole world gets overrun by evil clowns. Because if they can't be happy, they don't want anyone else to be. Because they're evil like that. And they're evil in every other way as well. *downs a strawberry shot* Mmmm.
Evil Clown Repellent is the new black.
Evil Clowns drove me to drink and all I got was alcohol poisoning.
Did you know that Japanese people are genetically less tolerant of alcohol than other races?
Stephen: *also pretty sloshed, thinking aloud by now* No. You know, I reproduced once!
Ryuuji: *laughs* But you didn't give birth to an Evil Clown, right?
Stephen: Of course not, I did not give birth at all! I married a woman, you see, and she did that part of it. Nor was she an evil clown. *pauses* Ryuuji, I think you should marry my daughter when she comes of age. You are the only man in the world I trust to keep her safe from evil clowns.
Ryuuji: Awwww! *throws arms around Stephen, gives him an enthusiastic hug* I am so flattered that you think that I could keep her safe, Stephen! But you should know that I'd do that even without being married to her, just because you're my friend and I like you.
Stephen: I like you too. I like you as much as I hate evil clowns, which is a considerable amount indeed. Anyhow there are a few years yet until she comes of age, so we need not discuss the trivial details right this moment, such as which century the two of you would like to live in. Even though she is not here and I would never allow her to come to a place as dangerous as Hogwarts,
I want to play a song for her. Brigid, honey, this is for you. (( Enya - Caribbean Blue http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=1B5A331240601398 ))
Ryuuji: That's so sweet of you. I'd be glad to have you as a father-in-law! And a friend. And co-inventor of Evil Clown Repellent. And everything else that we are to each other.
*downs a shot, mentions wistfully* My father never dedicated songs to me.
*brightens up* But I'm sure other people never got song dedications from their fathers either! So on their behalf, I'm going to play this song by Daddy DJ called Daddy DJ! It's another Eurotrash song from Mai's collection -- she's got a ton from this really cool tour we took through Europe back on our world one summer. And we can count this as a dedication to your daughter as well, since you're technically a DJ at the moment! DJ standing for Disc Jockey, that is. *knocks down another shot* What profession would you have chosen if you weren't a doctor, Stephen?
Stephen: I think had I not become a physician, I should have traveled Europe seeking to eradicate evil clowns wherever they might nest. A sort of evil clown exterminator.
Ryuuji: A most noble ambition! I will drink to that! *takes another shot* Oh Stephen, I am so proud to call myself your friend. You have such a great sense of priorities! *pause* And so does Oz! And Adam! They should be a couple. Come, Stephen, join me in a toast to the True Love of Oz and Adam, who can have a celebrity smush name like Ozam or Adaz!
Stephen: A toast to Adaz! And to confusion for Buonaparte!
Stephen: We could give them some mpreg potion and they could name their offspring Ozam, if they liked.
Ryuuji: Yes! Confusion to him, many painful deaths to Evil Clowns, and long-lasting happiness to Adaz. May they never split and have lots of -- *makes a sound of disgust* EW. Okay, Stephen, I've got to ask -- doesn't the idea of guys having babies creep you out even a little? I mean, would you be willing to drink that potion?
Stephen: Why should I? I have already produced a daughter for you to marry!
Ryuuji: Theoretically, Stephen. Assuming you didn't have any children, and you wanted some, and you were together with a male, would you really take that potion instead of just adopting?
Stephen: No, I see no need to increase the world's burden of overpopulation. But then, I have no need for an heir.
Stephen: Then again, do Oz and Adam need an heir?
Stephen: Perhaps they might content themselves by adopting a pair of small dogs.
Stephen: *has more Evil Clown Repellent*
Ryuuji: *knocks back another shot* Adam's the nice Antichrist. He managed to wish a purple lamb into existence for me. Her name is Violet. I think he could wish a child into existence, if he had to. *pause* I think we should drink a toast to Violet! And maybe play her a song. What kind of music do sheep like? *laughs* Oh, that's obvious. Pop music!
Ryuuji: Here you go, Violet. Kiss Kiss by Holly Valance, a nice Eurotrash song that I danced to in a club with Mai -- they made bubbles come down on the clients!
Stephen: There was an applicant a while back who had potions that could turn humans into llamas. I wonder whether she could have turned Violet into a human, and if so, whether Violet would have been a purple human.
Ryuuji: Maybe a human with purple hair? We have an applicant with pink hair, and Tonks has pink hair, so why not purple hair? Not that I like purple much or anything, but hey, represent! Word! And all those other lingo things.
Ryuuji: I wouldn't like to have purple hair. Having brown hair is weird enough. And brown eyes. I mean, I've changed forms before, but usually not kept them this long. It's kind of fun, though. Feels like being someone else. Do you think I need a more normal name as well? Maybe something like David. David Brown. Yes, that works. Stephen, do I look like a David Brown to you?
Stephen: You look brown like a brown thing.
Ryuuji: ...That's very hard to understand. Maybe I need more Evil Clown Repellent to make sense of it. *swallows another cherry shot* Oh! How many shots was that? After 21 shots, you're meant to get on a table and dance.
Stephen: To ensure there are no evil clowns under the table?
Ryuuji: Yeah! That's it! C'mon, Stephen, you have to get up there with me. We need two people to keep the table balanced properly.
Stephen: ... Even under the influence of Evil Clown Repellent, Ryuuji, you will not induce me to climb upon a table and dance.
Stephen: Besides, someone has to watch the door. Evil clowns might try to invade the studio while you are distracted with dancing.
Ryuuji: Good point! You, brave Stephen, shall guard the door while I perform the ritual of tabledancing! After I take a booster dose of Evil Clown Repellent.
*knocks back a shot, then looks around for the nearest clear table, then gets up from the chair and weave-stumble-walks uneasily to it, pulling himself up with an effort, then standing a little unsteadily*
Right! Okay, Stephen, see? I'm on a table. Now we start the dancing bit. But first, we need music. Mai's got a cool song that she played for me the other day that's perfect for dancing on tables - Hips Don't Lie or something by Shakira. And I didn't find it in the archives, but there was another Shakira song there, so can you put that on for me, Stephen?
Ryuuji: I haven't started dancing yet!
Stephen: Are you sure?
Ryuuji: *looks down at himself* Well, I'm being pretty still even though the room is moving...
Ryuuji: So yes, I'm sure! *indignant pout* See? First, you tap your heel to the backbeat of the song, then you move your hips, and pull your arms above your head. *moves as he speaks, body falling into rhythm nearly perfectly, but slightly off due to how drunk he is* Okay. Um. Shift your weight down, and put a hand on your hip, and kind of rotate it. And I'm overdressed for this. Hang on a sec.
Ryuuji: *undoes tie and drops it to ground, shirt following soon afterwards, hooks fingers in his waistband and pushes it a little lower down on his hips* RIGHT! Now I'm dressed -- or undressed enough -- for it. *still has his nipple piercing despite the new drab look*
Stephen: I wish there were some device that could locate evil clowns remotely.
Ryuuji: *tries to keep dancing* You know, this isn't really working. You need /two/ people on a table for proper tabledancing. This way, the table's unbalanced. Like people. Except people are mentally unbalanced and tables don't have minds with which to be unbalanced. They just get unbalanced anyway. And half the school is crazy and they're going to infect the other half. Like zombies. Or pyramid schemes. Or vampires, except that vampires are kinda sexy -- hello there, Luca, I wish that I had 'Vampire Club' by Voltaire to play for you -- and pyramid schemes aren't, and vampire bats aren't.
And bats are stupid, because they go around using echolocation to try to find themselves but that doesn't work. Because they're making sound, and lots of it, and because they make so much noise, they deafen themselves to what everyone else is saying. And then they don't hear what the people close to them say, because they only listen to themselves, and that means that the people who do know where they are get ignored.
And that's stupid because when you're lost, you should ask for directions or at least pay attention to people that can tell you where to go instead of being a stupid stubborn idiot and just shouting and listening to the echoes to try to figure out something that someone else could just tell you.
Stephen: You know I have a house in the mountains behind Figueras: part of its roof has fallen in, the part where the sheep live - I must attend to it. Bats there are, free-tailed bats, that I have watched for generations.
Stephen: *lost in happy contemplation of bats*
Ryuuji: See? That's another thing that bats do! They just fly into caves and hide there. *gestures dramatically, falls off table* ...Ow. *keeps talking cheerfully anyway, explaining* Bats go hide in dark spaces away from the light of enlightenment. And pity themselves. And brood. And be all broody in dark spaces where nobody can come after them to shake them out of it.
Because they like that better than actually facing up to something and dealing with it, or talking about it. And they brood in caves, and your house, and hover about sheep. Because sheep are stupid and easily lead and baa like this.
*baaaas, passably well*
I learnt that from Violet. She's my purple sheep. Adam made her for me. Adam's a nice guy. Adam, I hope that you and Oz are very happy together. And that you don't have bats haunting you. Because they'll brood away from you and never solve anything. Just run away. And tell you not to follow. And that's stupid because how are you supposed to fix something if one half of it is missing? Do bats even fly if you rip off one of their wings?
Ryuuji: My guess would be no, so that's just stupid, stupid, stupid and cruel.
Stephen: The very thought is absurd. How should a bat fly wingless? I see no reason why such a peaceable creature should be harmed.
Ryuuji: *blinkblink* Maybe the bats that you know. Not that I want to harm any bats. They do that to themselves and then they brood about it. One day, a bat is going to brood about the lack of air in outer space, you just know it's going to happen.
*rubs head* Pass me more Evil Clown Repellent, please? It also repels brooding quite effectively, since Jason stopped being broody when he got drunk. Talked lots about Tim though. TIM! Are you listening to this boardcast? Broadcast. Whatever the English word is. Stupid language. Anyway! Jason went off looking for you with Dick but you're not with Dick and weren't with Dick, and I told Jason that so I warn you right now that Jason's going to be grouchy when he gets back.
People get grouchy very easily, Stephen. Why aren't they more cheerful? It's not like being a happy person means that you're stupid or anything. Though maybe it's a little childish to be happy but what's so wrong about being childish? I'd rather be a happy child than a grouchy adult.
And besides, who asked them to act like adults anyway? If someone's got age barriers and an upper-age-limit, it's for a reason, like them wanting someone in the same age range and presumably with a similar level of emotional maturity.
If I wanted to be condescended to and looked down upon and treated like I'm inferior and incompetent and incapable of taking care of myself, I'd get a cat!
*pause* Oh wait, I already have a kitten. She counts. SEE? I have a kitten! I don't need an adult figure in my life, and especially don't need to be sleeping with one. Do I look like I have a Mrs. Robinson complex? *plaintive look at Stephen, tawny brown hair flopping messily over his face, large brown eyes wide and pouting just a little*
Stephen: Who is she?
Ryuuji: She's... I don't exactly know. I think that the Beatles, this band of people with mopbucket hair, wrote a song about her based on a movie called The Graduate about a student who falls for a professor or a professor's wife or something. I never saw the movie 'cause it's not to my tastes, so I don't exactly know. But anyway, there was a song about Mrs. Robinson, and Jesus, and a Mrs. Robinson complex is when you think that older women are hot or are attracted to them or something. Which is actually pretty dumb because everyone expects girls to like older guys, but that's more of a power hierarchy thing, I think, with guys supposed to be able to take care of girls and stuff which means more emotional maturity as well, maybe.
*pause* Human cultures are really, really weird, and even though I don't have a Mrs. Robinson complex, I think that we should play that song for Sara Sidhe, my favorite Ravenclaw Prefect! She's also currently the ONLY Ravenclaw Prefect, 'cause all the Houses are down to only one Prefect each -- Kaylee, Draco, Sara, what do you say to another Prefect meeting about the elections that should be coming up soon? We ought to close the sign-up options soon, since it looks like we have plenty of people, and I don't think that I should arrange the details when I'm blitzed out of my mind and never got the booster shot of Evil Clown Repellent that I asked for, so owl me, okay?
Ryuuji: *pouts at Stephen, still on the floor, waiting for another shot*
Stephen: You look miserably hipped. I think this calls for Evil Clown Repellent Purple.
Ryuuji: Hipped? There's something wrong with my hips?! *goes wide-eyed and tries to stand up uneasily, smoothing his hands over his hips* ...Snake hips. I have snake hips. They can wriggle in all sorts of directions. *demonstrates, quite blatantly*
See? Snake hips. Boy hips. Girl hips are all curvy, and fun. Guys are just straight up and down, but being flexy is fun. It's useful. And it means that you can tabledance with a girl without being too outclassed. Girls are better at dancing, for some weird reason, but Evil Clown Repellent Purple sounds even better than that.
What does Purple taste like again?
Grape?
Sour grapes. Wine. Mai likes wine. I drank more when I was together with her than any other period in my life, except maybe the last couple of weeks since this is what, my fourth time getting drunk within a two week period? And not just drunk but smashed-out-of-my-mind drunk. There are probably drugs out there which would be kinder to me than this much alcohol.
*takes the shot cheerfully anyway and downs it with a laugh* But there's no guarantee that they'd keep clowns away and that's what's important. More people in this world need to keep their priorities straight.
Stephen: Oh, we can find you many kind drugs, sure. For evil clowns nothing will do but these gelatinous concoctions, however.
Ryuuji: YAY! *pause* Wait, no, I think that I'm against substance abuse. Well, actually, I'm technically against alcohol abuse either, but everyone is allowed a few lapses occasionally. And since this is Hogwarts, it's not like we can die of alcohol poisoning and hey, Stephen, I just thought of something!
How far does the no-kill rule extend? For example, I know that we can be injured and lose blood, and our skin cells still die and fall off us, so does that mean that brain cells die as well? I'd like alcohol a lot better if I didn't need to worry about it killing brain cells, but I don't think that no-kill rule prevents brain cells from being killed, right? So what happens if we have a really tiny applicant come? Like an amoeba or something? Do they get protected under the no-kill rule or are they too small?
Or is it that the no-kill rule protects the life of anyone sentient, but only their physical life, and that it doesn't bother with the bits and pieces, meaning that it can animate bodies that should be dead? And if that's the case, what would it do with zombies since they're already dead?
Stephen: We did have one zombie applicant, who was squibbed. Perhaps we ought to have kept him for experiments.
Ryuuji: ...Was he sentient? Because I'm against experimenting on sentients without permission. And even then, I'd like to make sure that it's as painless as possible and not really dangerous since otherwise, it doesn't seem totally fair. And I'm not fond of animal experimentation either, which is why computers are so cool.
You just plug in all the data and play! Then you map out the models and call up graphs of the results, then tweak the intial data until you get the result you need. The problem here is that we don't have enough info on how the no-kill rules works to come up with an adequate formula for the computer to accept, so our results would be incomplete.
*makes himself get up and stagger back into the chair, practically falling into it* We should play a Potions song instead to cheer ourselves up. Or maybe one about Evil Clowns. Your pick, Stephen!
Stephen: We ought to play something about potions, I think. All this talk of evil clowns may conjure evil clowns, and that would be frightful indeed
Ryuuji: The Joker might even call in! Do you think he will? What should we do if he does? Are we allowed to throw Evil Clown Repellent at him, or is that considered assault-and-battery? And do you think that it's poisonous to clowns? Would he be in intense pain if he drank some, or would it be only as much pain as a bad hangover the next morning? Because even that's better than nothing.
And would that make us girls? Because poison is considered a woman's weapon but we're the ones who invented Evil Clown Repellent, so would forcing it down the Joker's throat count as poisoning him if it truly does affect them badly? Mull it over while we listen to Magic Potion by Flunk.
Stephen: Perhaps the no-kill rule would prevent Evil Clown Repellent from having much of an effect on the likes of the Joker.
Ryuuji: Nah, not necessarily. It could make him suffer through the pain without actually dying, and then because he doesn't die, the pain never ends. I mean, I've seen no-kill zones before, and generally speaking, people just use them to put each other through hell or to up their pain tolerance.
And I can personally testify that you still feel physical pain while in Hogwarts, you just don't die from it -- I went through with some experiments that involved hanging myself, stabbing myself in the heart, and a few other things that should have normally been fatal yet failed to kill me. Nothing that I couldn't have fixed if the no-kill rule hadn't caught me, though, no worries about that! *laughs, downs another show*
Stephen: *taken aback*
Stephen: Your dedication to science is admirable, Ryuuji.
Ryuuji: *hugs Stephen impulsively!*
Ryuuji: No, it's okay, really! Been through worse and that was okay because it was my choice to do it and test the limits of the no-kill rule. It's not like I had an Evil Clown embedding steel spikes through my legs from the hips downwards to paralyse them and then making me do pushups to strengthen my arms or anything. It was all my idea and my experiment design, and so that makes it okay.
Ryuuji: *pause* And 'sides, I'm not so much sure that it was science as just my own curiosity. Because I get very, very curious and then it's hard to back away until I get an answer, and those experiments gave me lots of answers.
*lets go of Stephen to down three shots in quick sucessions* Answers are good.
Answers are great. People ought to ask questions and get answers instead of just running away like cowards. Cowardly unfoxy Coxy, do you run away from unanswered questions or do you wrestle them to the ground and crack them open so that they'll bleed answers out?
Ryuuji: ...Do you think that he's even listening to this show, Stephen?
Stephen: I think he does listen to WART.
Stephen: *gives Ryuuji a meaningful and possibly evil look*
Ryuuji: *couldn't care less how evil Stephen is as long as Stephen doesn't turn into a clown suddenly*
Stephen: *would never, ever turn into a clown!*
Stephen: Play some more music, so we can drink in peace.
Ryuuji: A toast to peaceful drinking! *clinks a shot glass against Stephen's, and downs it* And for everyone else out there, take a listen to Neil Diamond's song, Clown Town.
Ryuuji: *knocks back shots steadily during the song, well past the stage of alcohol poisoning, then starts rummaging through archives again* Man, there are a lot of Eurotrash songs here. And lots of unhappy love songs. I wonder who compiled all this stuff? I feel sorry for them. Poor guy. Or girl. It's not like it's hard to empathize with them, after all. We should play something of theirs! Like, um... Crazy Amanda Bunkface! Because the singer says that he's only nineteen in the lyrics, and I'm only nineteen, so that's as good a reason to play it as anything else.
Stephen: I think there may have been a notorious female pirate named Crazy Amanda Bunkface.
Stephen: Or if there was not, there should have been.
Ryuuji: Maimed in a tragic accident that involved a runaway bunkbed. I can see it now.
Ryuuji: Poor girl. In the flower of her youth, she grew enamoured with a pirate captain, and ran away to sea with him only to find that he had an intolerable habit of hogging the bunkbed and making his crew sleep on hammocks. Fed up with his selfish, piggy ways, she one night crept into his cabin, and sought to evict him from the bunkbed by force but just then, a storm hit the waters from nowhere, and the bunkbed grew unsteady, then fell on her and crushed her face for a few seconds before her beloved captain heaved it aside with strength born of panic and cradled her close.
But too late! The damage was done! She was forever scarred and so, the woman was known as Pirate Crazy Amanda Bunkface. Stephen, let us have a toast and then three seconds of silence for the woman's sad fate.
Stephen: I shall drink to that with all my heart.
Ryuuji: *clinks his shot glass against Stephen's, then downs it* And to remind people that it's important not to judge on appearance, let's listen to another Eurotrash song! This time, When You Look At Me by Christina Milian. Because it's a lot harder to find a good cook than a good lover. Can you cook?
Stephen: Not at all, my dear. Other people do that for me.
Ryuuji: What happens if you get stranded on an island with nobody there to cook for you?!
Stephen: Oh, one can roast small animals, if there is wood to burn. Or else one can subsist on fruits or mosses or whatnot. There should be some sort of survival skills class here.
Ryuuji: I'd teach it, but I'm kinda busy enough as it is, and you're surely very busy like that as well. Because we've got stuff to do and we don't moon around missing people that disappear into rooms or off-world or onto other continents and they're stupid anyway if they'd rather be off doing whatever with whomever instead of staying around to talk to us.
And there's an Alanis song here called Doth I Protest Too Much and the answer is no, but I'm playing it anyway just because I've got control of the airwaves along with you, Stephen, and together, the two of us shall annihilate the threat of Evil Clowns with lots of girly music, Evil Clown Repellent and affection. *hugs demonstratively*
Stephen: *also hugs!*
Stephen: What is Eurotrash, though?
Stephen: You have used the term more than once.
Ryuuji: Ohhhhh. Past your time, right? Well! Eurotrash is a very loose term -- it refers to both a type of music and a type of lifestyle. It's basically lower-class European people who listen to very hectic, techno-like music, dress in bright halter tops and short shorts out of cheap fabric, drink beer out of the bottles and take corners sharply in cars while laughing raucously.
In German, you call them "prolets', pronounced 'pro-laits' to rhyme with 'waits', which is short for proletarian. It's basically used to refer to something that's tacky, cheap but curiously popular.
Stephen: Would evil clowns be considered Eurotrash?
Ryuuji: Hm. I don't know. Maybe if they came from Europe? We should listen to Lay It Down Clown by The Replacements just to make sure that we don't forget what the real purpose of this show is.
Ryuuji: *takes another shot* You know, the archives have a lot of angry girl music about love. Poor girls. They spend a lot of time singing about how unhappy guys have made them. Guys suck. All guys should refrain from entering relationships with each other because they're just going to screw each other over, and girls should avoid guys as well. All girls should be lesbians, in fact.
*pause* Well, actually, that might lead to the extermination of the human race since we wouldn't have any more kiddies unless you made a femmepreg potion or whatever, but humans suck. They really do. Suck like a black hole thrown into high gear. Though most other sentient species aren't much better. What is it about the ability to think for yourself that inspires cruelty?
I mean, whatever happened to Descartes and his 'I think, therefore I am'? When did it get turned into 'I hurt others, therefore I laugh'? Seriously, people suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck - *breaks off to laugh* And sound very funny when they try to complain about it. Anyway, Natalia Imbrug- something, too drunk to pronounce her name - has a song called Torn that perfectly demonstrates what I was saying about angry girls and broken hearts, so we can listen to that now!
Stephen: I think some changes to the mpreg potion could yield a promising femmepreg prototype.
Ryuuji: *cheers drunkenly* YAY! Stephen, single-handed savior of the human race! *pause* This calls for a recital of your theme songs. *claps hands brightly* Everyone, listen up! I'm about to sing Stephen's theme song, which was written specially for him during our mudwrestling practice!
*clears throat*
"Generally,
I just shoot people.
People.
People."
Ryuuji: *realizes he never got further than that, improvises on the spot*
"Oh those crazy people.
All those crazy people.
I just shoot insulting people.
People.
People."
Stephen: I do not remember there being a second verse. The best part is the part about shooting.
Stephen: Also, the part about people.
Ryuuji: All songs need more than one verse! *grins* But I'm glad you like it. Hm. Maybe the third verse should have more shooting in it. *attempts bravely!*
"I shoot people. Shoot. Shoot.
Shoooooooooooooooooooooooot! *hit high note, pauses*
People."
Ryuuji: *blinkblink* My artistic efforts require more Evil Clown Repllent.
Stephen: There should be a part in the song about evil clowns, after we succeed in shooting an evil clown.
Ryuuji: Yes! Once we do that, I'
*I'll write in another verse. *slings arm over Stephen's shoulder, continues cheerfully* Together, we should go Evil Clown hunting! Have you ever hunted someone after they've died? It's really, really difficult because see, you have to track them down first.
The universe, it's -- *gestures with free hand vaguely* Like a room. A big room. Filled with threads crossing from all over, starting from walls or midair or the floor or ceiling and ending everywhere. And they cross through each other, and knot around each other, and you have to find the thread of the person you're hunting, and track them to the point in time that you're at, and then figure out what how to get to their physical location.
And if they're in another universe, they pass right through the walls, because it's more like cell walls or a penetrable membrane, where you can kinda diffuse through if you go with the concentration gradient -- assuming that every living thing goes to death, then the push is towards death -- and you follow that.
Because all the rooms intersect, because they exist in x dimensions, x being an infinite variable, so it's like how all the walls go to corners? Now imagine all the corners rubbing against each other, and how it's thinner where that happens, so it's easier to slip through. And that's how you jump through alternate universes! Aim for the place where reality's the weakest, then slip through. Because that's the hub to everything, where it all comes down to a center.
And that's how leaks happen as well, which is why there are books written about real people in worlds where everyone thinks that those people don't exist. Like the Pocahontas movie! I wonder what the real Pocahontas is like? I'd love for her to app. Her hair rocks. *touches his own short brown hair wistfully* And Mulan. I want Mulan to app as well. Absolute favorite Disney movie. What's your favorite?
Ryuuji: *totally forgotten Stephen wouldn't know what Disney is*
Stephen: .... Right.
Ryuuji: *blinkblink*
Ryuuji: I don't think that I've seen that... *remembers original conversation topic* Or do you mean Evil Clown hunting?
Ryuuji: *promises blithely* I won't let any harm come to you!
Stephen: .... I forget what now.
Stephen: Oh, we will defend one another from evil clowns to the death! Back to back.
Ryuuji: To their death, not ours! For Evil Clowns cannot stand up to the power of friendship. *pause, shocked into something approaching sobriety* Ki'yala. I sound like Yugi! *says that like it's the worst fate in the world, then starts giggling uncontrollably*
Stephen: Yugi is given to valiant denunciations of evil clowns?
Ryuuji: Noooo! Yugi goes on about the power of friendship, and the heart of the cards, and sounds like an optimistic idiot. *laughs again* He's a little midget in bondage gear, and he's beat Seto at Duel Monsters, but he's not the one that wins, it's the Pharaoh from the past that possessed him.
Well, usually. Sometimes, Yugi duelled on his own as well.
Our duels aren't with guns, though, they're with monsters. You have cards, and you use the cards to summon monsters. And if you're a normal person, you just use the holograms or figurines. Otherwise, you duel in the Shadow Realm and summon real monsters. Except real monsters are all Ka, Ka of dead people, unless you summon your Ka. Which requires effort to control, so you can drop dead of a heart attack or just die of energy loss in the Shadow Realm, so duels normally end when one person goes unconscious and can't keep their monsters on the field any longer. And Seto tries to summon the most powerful monsters, and
Yugi and the Pharaoh rely on getting lucky at the last minute, and I play strategically by setting up grids and making it look like the battlefield it is.
Ryuuji: Seto was the world's greatest duellist, you know, before Yugi beat him. *nodnod*
Stephen: So the monsters are like demons?
Ryuuji: Nooo! *laughs* Ka. Ka are a fifth part of your soul, and you need Ba to control them. Ba's energy. When you lose all your Ba, you die. You can have your Ka killed, and it'll be okay, because it can revive itself as long as you live, but you can't live without Ba. Not demon magic, soul magic, because if it was demon magic, then you'd have to rely on other creatures with their own minds but Ka shares your mind, unless it's someone else's Ka, in which case they have the mind of the rest of their soul, unless it's the Ka of someone that's dead, in which case it has only a fraction of a mind.
*pauses, downs a shot, adds cheerfully* But there are demon-looking Ka! Like Lord of Demise, which Kura likes.
Ku~ra, are you listening? I'm glad you don't hate me any longer. Because you shouldn't, because we're alike, you and I. And I know that you bled more for the Items, and suffered more, but Kura, you lost your village and I lost sixteen years of your life. And I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for your pain, but I'm glad that we're not enemies, Kura, because I don't hate you, and never hated you, and I'm glad-glad-glad that you don't want to kill me any longer because I didn't like the idea that I was making you unhappy.
*knocks back another shot* A toast to Kura!
Stephen: *is totally nonplussed, but gamely takes another shot and raises it* To Kura!
Ryuuji: And to Evil Clown Repllent, may its efficacy never wane!
Stephen: To Evil Clown Repellent, all varieties except blue!
Ryuuji: We shouldn't isolate blue just because it's icky. That's prejudice. Prejudice is bad! It leads to crosses being burnt, which is also bad unless it's in a Madonna video. But I didn't like that video. I don't think that I liked any of her videos, actually, though she's cool for being able to reinvent herself. And the liplock on stage was kind of fun because it helped get bisexuality more accepted even if it's still only for the thrill factor and nothing real. But I still think that it's better than nothing! *grins and takes another shot* Does the archive have any Madonna songs to play? You can check and if not, we'll go back to angry girl pop-rock.
Stephen: You mean, the Mother of God? *rummages* No, I see nothing here by that name.
Ryuuji: ...Huh? *lost look* No, Madonna's a singer slash dancer. She's one of the first-name-only brigade. Um. I'm not all that fond of her, because I like alternative slash punk rock better than pop, but she's really, really famous. And has a video with burning crosses, which is normally something only the KKK does -- they probably didn't exist in your time, right? They're evil. Not like Evil
Clowns, but still evil and they wear costumes! *pause* Are we going to need costumes to combat Evil Clowns or can we stick to civvies? I feel most comfortable in my leather pants and sleeveless tops, even if I'm not wearing them right now.
Stephen: Good God, no costumes. We should be prepared to fight evil clowns at any time of day and in any weather.
Ryuuji: *grins at Stephen, delighted* You are a man after my own heart! Evil Clowns never take off their masks, so why should be any more lax? CONSTANT VIGILANCE. Evil Clowns shall rue the day that they tried to tangle with us. Tango. Tangle. *puzzled look* Stephen, this language is most odd. Do we smite Evil Clowns for attempting to tangle with us, or for trying to tango with us?
Stephen: I believe that the two amount to the same offense!
Ryuuji: Yes! They are both vile, vile acts to perform with Evil Clowns. No tangling or tangoing! Not even foxtrotting. Can you foxtrot, Stephen? In my world, dancing is much more informal, so most people can get by with only knowing a waltz or two. Waltzing is pretty fun. Sword-dancing is even cooler, though that's not from my world, more's the pity. Sword-dancing is just awesome.
Stephen: Oh, there are all sorts of dances one may perform, depending on the country and the context. I wonder if they all have some power to fend off evil clowns. Have you ever seen an evil clown dance?
Ryuuji: *blithely* Yes! *adds in a tone of drunken contemplation* Of course, he was on fire at the time, so I don't think that it was so much him dancing as trying to get the flames out. Do you think it counts? It definitely involved some nifty footwork and flailing about with his arms. But it didn't look attractive in the least, and dancing usually makes people look appealing, when they do it properly anyway.
When it's done badly, they just look like idiots.
Or fall off tables like I did, but I dance well normally, really!
I just need someone else on the table with me. Do you think that we should ask the listeners if any of them would be willing to toddle up here to dance on a table with me so that I may heal my wounded ego?
Stephen: You need a sturdier table is all.
Ryuuji: Why? The table didn't break. It's just that it felt unbalanced to have all the weight on my end of it, instead of having any on the other end to balance it out. Like scales! Yeah. The scales can be the sturdiest ones in the world, but that still won't do anything if all the weights are only put in one balance and not the other. *taps mike* Call all lovers of Evil Clown Repellent!
Floo in after the show to perform a tabledance with the Slytherin Prefect in order to keep away Evil Clowns.
Stephen: It will be truly magical!
Ryuuji: *pause* ...Wait, hang on, better idea. MAI! I know you're listening. You come in and dance with me! Because you're my best friend for life, and you've already danced with me, and you like Evil Clown Repellent and you hate Evil Clowns too! Yes. Mai. You can be my partner in the dance to repel Evil Clowns. Stephen, do you think that you could sing your theme song? I thought of a third verse for it!
"But especially,
I shoot Evil Clowns.
Evil Clowns.
Evil Clowns."
Stephen: *shakes head* That is an admirable verse and my voice would not do it credit. I should hire some notable chanteuse to sing it, someone capable of singing very loudly as well so that all evil clowns will know to keep their distance from Hogwarts.
Ryuuji: Oh Stephen, you do think of the best ideas! I would love to cover plintconarhythmic equations with you and see what input you have. *pauses* ...Man, I'm such a geek. I just lost twenty cool points right there, didn't I? *knocks back a shot, laughs* Right. Stephen, I think that I'm hanging out with too many Ravenclaws. Not only am I drinking like you guys, but I'm geeking out on multidimensional math formulae and postulates.
How embarrassing. I get drunk and geek out in public. Woe. I’m going to be wearing glasses next, and pocket protectors and – and – PLAID. OZ! Save me from the plaid, please! Oh wait, you wear plaid. I’m doomed. DOOMED. Unless…
KIRA! You don’t wear plaid. Please, promise me that you won’t ever let me wear plaid. Unless it’s a kilt, with jeans, and maybe a kicky ripped top and – No, wait, this is not the time to talk about fashion. We’re warding off evil clowns. And I owe you a song for being utterly cool, and I hope you like the peppermint treats I sent via Seto. If you want to do that black-white movie thing that we keep postponing, by the way, I’m totally up for it anytime. Except now. Because I think that I’m a little blitzed at the moment, and I don’t have any Voltaire to play you even though he wrote an entire album from the devil’s point of view. So about listening to Escape by Enrique something, because it’s a song about love always wins out in the end?
But that’s not angry chick music, and we’re meant to be listening to angry chick music, so let’s also take a listen to Crush by Jennifer Paige. And just to make sure the guys don’t feel left out, Motivation from Sum 41 and Teenage Dirtbag for the purpose of full coverage.
Right! Time to ask the listeners to Floo in with their questions, advice and random sayings so that we won’t be unseemly geeky in public. Otherwise I’d probably lose my title of Most Popular – and thank you so much to everyone that voted for me, I really appreciated it. I’d give you a speech but I’m drunk and I’m talking too much anyway, so you probably just want me to shut up and get to the fun part where you call in and talk to a blitzed teacher and his assistant. And while we’re waiting, let’s play Strange Brew by Eric Clapton, to get back to the Potions theme!
…Okay, and a Placebo song to finish off because I love Placebo and always will. And hey, I just thought of how Brian Molko has blue eyes and black hair. Does that mean that if he showed up here, the Batclan would take him in? I loved the Special K video. I will never fail to love the shot of him out on the window ledge, and how he just takes a deep breath and steps right off while everyone else is trying to keep him on. I love it, and love it, and love it, and I wish that I had the song here to play for you but I don’t, so you get to listen to Every Me, Every You instead.
Stephen: *clears throat and intones solemnly* To make Evil Clown Repellent Red, you will need six ounces of spirits -- vodka works quite well -- six ounces of water, and three ounces of powdered animal hoof that has been colored red and has some sort of flavor associated with the concept of redness. In a clean cauldron, boil the water together with the spirits. Carefully add the powdered animal hoof and be sure to blend it thoroughly, else there will be unappealing lumps, and the effectiveness against clowns will suffer.
Pour the resulting mixture into small cups and give it to the house elf to put somewhere cool, God knows where they put things around here. Then have the house elf bring it back when it has become sort of congealed.
Ingest with courage and zeal!
Ryuuji: ...Way to make it sound unappetizing, Stephen. Man, even I'd be dubious of drinking something that sounded like that. But trust me, listeners out there in radio land, you'll appreciate it when the Evil Clowns come a-calling! And to start off the show on the right footing, we're playing Death of a Clown by The Kinks!
Ryuuji: *takes a shot*
Stephen: *also takes a shot*
Well, it is unappetizing, you know. But healthful, very healthful. Evil clowns are adverse to your health.
Ryuuji: *cheerfully agrees* Oh, they're awful. They'll strip the bones from your hands, then ask you to do magic, the kind that needs you to make motions with your fingers. So the trick for that is to use magic to manipulate your fingers, the kind that only requires willpower, but to keep the magic away from the tips of your fingers because that's where the first type of magic funnels out. And that means you need both skill and creativity to pull it off, which is why it's so much easier to just stay away from evil clowns in the first place! Because who'd want to go through all that effort if they can avoid the pain in the first place? Even having your bones put back in hurts, you know.
Unless you take lots of painkillers! And Evil Clown Repellant is better than painkillers, because it makes pain unnecessary and deadens any pain you might be feeling. Evil Clown Repellant: Mix up a batch today!
Stephen: *is horrified* *takes another shot*
Ryuuji: *takes a shot as well!*
Stephen: Listeners, you may be appalled by our graphic tales of the atrocities perpetuated by Evil Clowns. I assure you, it is necessary to make clear exactly how dire a menace they pose.
Should you be unable to locate any of the red variety of powdered animal hoof, it is even worthwhile to resort to the unholy blue variety.
Consider it medicinal.
Ryuuji: *blinkblink* The blue is a last resort type of thing. Only use it if Evil Clowns are knocking on your door and seeking to take you away for sacrifices. Generally speaking, they'll revive you after killing you so that they can use you again, but I don't recommend just going along with them just 'cause the death won't be permanent. Because dying hurts, especially when it's a ritual death. Go for the blue, my fellow fighters against Evil Clowns! Go for the blue!
*laughs* And isn't there a band called Blue, some British group? I don't think that I have any of their songs, but I do have a song by Daft Punk, and their music videos have blue people in them, so that's a good enough connection for me!
*downs another shot* So, everyone, listen up to a very cool dance mix that's very popular over in Europe with the clubbing crowd! It's called One More Time (celebrate). Play it after a good bout of Evil Clown vanquishing for the full enjoyment.
Stephen: I recall you mentioning this phenomenon of "clubbing" before. Do you think evil clowns might also go clubbing?
Ryuuji: I very much doubt it. *takes another shot* Because clubbing, you see, is fun. And Evil Clowns don't want people to have fun. Because they're evil. And clowns. And therefore, they stay away from places that people have fun in, or they kidnap you from there. Like, if you're a drunk girl staggering out of a club or a drunk boy, then they're likely to lure you away, staple you to the center of a hexagram-Horus-thingie, and then cut your throat and chant lots. So if you're in a club, stay there. There's safety in numbers!
*takes another shot* Unless they need lots of power, in which case they just burn down the entire club and you're trapped inside a blazing building. But that's kinda inefficient, so I don't think that you need to worry about it because any Evil Clown worth their greasepaint knows that it's important to have the minimum input of energy for the maximum output.
*consumes a third shot* ...Plus, clubs sell Evil Clown Repellant. You can even do bodyshots for extra luck in keeping Evil Clowns away!
Stephen: ... Dear God. A terrible thought has come to me. What if evil clowns have their own clubs?
Ryuuji: *splutterchoke*
Ryuuji: *makes frantic hand gestures indicating he'd like to be hit on the back or possibly inherit an elephant, it's hard to tell*
Stephen: *thumps on Ryuuji's back vigorously*
Ryuuji: *coughs, both hands over his mouth, swallows weakly* Argh. Thank you, Stephen. *indignantly* See? SEE? Evil Clowns can put your life in danger just by being mentioned!
Stephen: *helpfully* Here, have some Evil Clown Repellent Green.
Its unnatural color wards off the unnatural evil clowns -- fighting fire with fire, as it were.
Perhaps we should research further potions that might aid in the war against evil clowns.
Ryuuji: *downs the lime Jello shot, then chases it don with another red* I think we should. Like, for example, Evil Clown Repellent ala Sex On The Beach. Because if fun is anathema to them, sex should definitely be!
Stephen: *almost chokes, begins coughing* We did not need that mental image.
Ryuuji: *whacks on back cheerfully* Well, think about it! If a teen of sixteen is talking about something that happened twenty years ago to drive his father insane, then his father had already been insane for four years before the child was born, meaning that he had to have had sex with someone to create the boy.
*pauses, takes another shot* Unless they were kidnapped from an orphanage, of course. But that's kinda a stretch. Seto and Mokie came from an orphanage but they weren't kidnapped. Seto got them out. He's really, really cool like that and took awesome care of Mokie. He and Mokie are the best little baby brothers ever! I should play a song for them. I owe them years of birthday presents and stuff, after all! Poor them.
It's so weird suddenly finding out that you have family from nowhere when you'd always thought that you were an only child, but I really am happy to have Mokie and Seto as brothers. They rock!
And so, in the name of family love that doesn't involve Evil Clowns at all, let's play I'd Do Anything For Love by Meatloaf. Because love doesn't have to be romantic to be real, and because Evil Clowns can't love.
Stephen: *is drinking more*
Ryuuji: *pause* Evil Clowns can make Potions though. Maybe even love potions! Like, um, Stephen, what's that Love Potion Number something song?
Stephen: Oh, the one we dug out of the archives before we started consuming Evil Clown Repellent? I think I know where it is. *rummaging around* Here. I hope Evil Clowns never make a love potion. They would undoubtedly use it for evil.
Ryuuji: They would create a little army of mini-clowns. Knee-sized clowns. Midget clowns. And they'd stunt their growth so that the mini clowns would never grow tall enough to look them in the eye, and the little clowns would just smile up at you, all sweet and cute and innocent... THEN DROP A GRENADE DOWN YOUR TROUSERS.
Ryuuji: *takes another shot, well on the way to totally blitzed by now* And that would be part of their plan to stop normal people reproducing so that the whole world gets overrun by evil clowns. Because if they can't be happy, they don't want anyone else to be. Because they're evil like that. And they're evil in every other way as well. *downs a strawberry shot* Mmmm.
Evil Clown Repellent is the new black.
Evil Clowns drove me to drink and all I got was alcohol poisoning.
Did you know that Japanese people are genetically less tolerant of alcohol than other races?
Stephen: *also pretty sloshed, thinking aloud by now* No. You know, I reproduced once!
Ryuuji: *laughs* But you didn't give birth to an Evil Clown, right?
Stephen: Of course not, I did not give birth at all! I married a woman, you see, and she did that part of it. Nor was she an evil clown. *pauses* Ryuuji, I think you should marry my daughter when she comes of age. You are the only man in the world I trust to keep her safe from evil clowns.
Ryuuji: Awwww! *throws arms around Stephen, gives him an enthusiastic hug* I am so flattered that you think that I could keep her safe, Stephen! But you should know that I'd do that even without being married to her, just because you're my friend and I like you.
Stephen: I like you too. I like you as much as I hate evil clowns, which is a considerable amount indeed. Anyhow there are a few years yet until she comes of age, so we need not discuss the trivial details right this moment, such as which century the two of you would like to live in. Even though she is not here and I would never allow her to come to a place as dangerous as Hogwarts,
I want to play a song for her. Brigid, honey, this is for you. (( Enya - Caribbean Blue http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=1B5A331240601398 ))
Ryuuji: That's so sweet of you. I'd be glad to have you as a father-in-law! And a friend. And co-inventor of Evil Clown Repellent. And everything else that we are to each other.
*downs a shot, mentions wistfully* My father never dedicated songs to me.
*brightens up* But I'm sure other people never got song dedications from their fathers either! So on their behalf, I'm going to play this song by Daddy DJ called Daddy DJ! It's another Eurotrash song from Mai's collection -- she's got a ton from this really cool tour we took through Europe back on our world one summer. And we can count this as a dedication to your daughter as well, since you're technically a DJ at the moment! DJ standing for Disc Jockey, that is. *knocks down another shot* What profession would you have chosen if you weren't a doctor, Stephen?
Stephen: I think had I not become a physician, I should have traveled Europe seeking to eradicate evil clowns wherever they might nest. A sort of evil clown exterminator.
Ryuuji: A most noble ambition! I will drink to that! *takes another shot* Oh Stephen, I am so proud to call myself your friend. You have such a great sense of priorities! *pause* And so does Oz! And Adam! They should be a couple. Come, Stephen, join me in a toast to the True Love of Oz and Adam, who can have a celebrity smush name like Ozam or Adaz!
Stephen: A toast to Adaz! And to confusion for Buonaparte!
Stephen: We could give them some mpreg potion and they could name their offspring Ozam, if they liked.
Ryuuji: Yes! Confusion to him, many painful deaths to Evil Clowns, and long-lasting happiness to Adaz. May they never split and have lots of -- *makes a sound of disgust* EW. Okay, Stephen, I've got to ask -- doesn't the idea of guys having babies creep you out even a little? I mean, would you be willing to drink that potion?
Stephen: Why should I? I have already produced a daughter for you to marry!
Ryuuji: Theoretically, Stephen. Assuming you didn't have any children, and you wanted some, and you were together with a male, would you really take that potion instead of just adopting?
Stephen: No, I see no need to increase the world's burden of overpopulation. But then, I have no need for an heir.
Stephen: Then again, do Oz and Adam need an heir?
Stephen: Perhaps they might content themselves by adopting a pair of small dogs.
Stephen: *has more Evil Clown Repellent*
Ryuuji: *knocks back another shot* Adam's the nice Antichrist. He managed to wish a purple lamb into existence for me. Her name is Violet. I think he could wish a child into existence, if he had to. *pause* I think we should drink a toast to Violet! And maybe play her a song. What kind of music do sheep like? *laughs* Oh, that's obvious. Pop music!
Ryuuji: Here you go, Violet. Kiss Kiss by Holly Valance, a nice Eurotrash song that I danced to in a club with Mai -- they made bubbles come down on the clients!
Stephen: There was an applicant a while back who had potions that could turn humans into llamas. I wonder whether she could have turned Violet into a human, and if so, whether Violet would have been a purple human.
Ryuuji: Maybe a human with purple hair? We have an applicant with pink hair, and Tonks has pink hair, so why not purple hair? Not that I like purple much or anything, but hey, represent! Word! And all those other lingo things.
Ryuuji: I wouldn't like to have purple hair. Having brown hair is weird enough. And brown eyes. I mean, I've changed forms before, but usually not kept them this long. It's kind of fun, though. Feels like being someone else. Do you think I need a more normal name as well? Maybe something like David. David Brown. Yes, that works. Stephen, do I look like a David Brown to you?
Stephen: You look brown like a brown thing.
Ryuuji: ...That's very hard to understand. Maybe I need more Evil Clown Repellent to make sense of it. *swallows another cherry shot* Oh! How many shots was that? After 21 shots, you're meant to get on a table and dance.
Stephen: To ensure there are no evil clowns under the table?
Ryuuji: Yeah! That's it! C'mon, Stephen, you have to get up there with me. We need two people to keep the table balanced properly.
Stephen: ... Even under the influence of Evil Clown Repellent, Ryuuji, you will not induce me to climb upon a table and dance.
Stephen: Besides, someone has to watch the door. Evil clowns might try to invade the studio while you are distracted with dancing.
Ryuuji: Good point! You, brave Stephen, shall guard the door while I perform the ritual of tabledancing! After I take a booster dose of Evil Clown Repellent.
*knocks back a shot, then looks around for the nearest clear table, then gets up from the chair and weave-stumble-walks uneasily to it, pulling himself up with an effort, then standing a little unsteadily*
Right! Okay, Stephen, see? I'm on a table. Now we start the dancing bit. But first, we need music. Mai's got a cool song that she played for me the other day that's perfect for dancing on tables - Hips Don't Lie or something by Shakira. And I didn't find it in the archives, but there was another Shakira song there, so can you put that on for me, Stephen?
Ryuuji: I haven't started dancing yet!
Stephen: Are you sure?
Ryuuji: *looks down at himself* Well, I'm being pretty still even though the room is moving...
Ryuuji: So yes, I'm sure! *indignant pout* See? First, you tap your heel to the backbeat of the song, then you move your hips, and pull your arms above your head. *moves as he speaks, body falling into rhythm nearly perfectly, but slightly off due to how drunk he is* Okay. Um. Shift your weight down, and put a hand on your hip, and kind of rotate it. And I'm overdressed for this. Hang on a sec.
Ryuuji: *undoes tie and drops it to ground, shirt following soon afterwards, hooks fingers in his waistband and pushes it a little lower down on his hips* RIGHT! Now I'm dressed -- or undressed enough -- for it. *still has his nipple piercing despite the new drab look*
Stephen: I wish there were some device that could locate evil clowns remotely.
Ryuuji: *tries to keep dancing* You know, this isn't really working. You need /two/ people on a table for proper tabledancing. This way, the table's unbalanced. Like people. Except people are mentally unbalanced and tables don't have minds with which to be unbalanced. They just get unbalanced anyway. And half the school is crazy and they're going to infect the other half. Like zombies. Or pyramid schemes. Or vampires, except that vampires are kinda sexy -- hello there, Luca, I wish that I had 'Vampire Club' by Voltaire to play for you -- and pyramid schemes aren't, and vampire bats aren't.
And bats are stupid, because they go around using echolocation to try to find themselves but that doesn't work. Because they're making sound, and lots of it, and because they make so much noise, they deafen themselves to what everyone else is saying. And then they don't hear what the people close to them say, because they only listen to themselves, and that means that the people who do know where they are get ignored.
And that's stupid because when you're lost, you should ask for directions or at least pay attention to people that can tell you where to go instead of being a stupid stubborn idiot and just shouting and listening to the echoes to try to figure out something that someone else could just tell you.
Stephen: You know I have a house in the mountains behind Figueras: part of its roof has fallen in, the part where the sheep live - I must attend to it. Bats there are, free-tailed bats, that I have watched for generations.
Stephen: *lost in happy contemplation of bats*
Ryuuji: See? That's another thing that bats do! They just fly into caves and hide there. *gestures dramatically, falls off table* ...Ow. *keeps talking cheerfully anyway, explaining* Bats go hide in dark spaces away from the light of enlightenment. And pity themselves. And brood. And be all broody in dark spaces where nobody can come after them to shake them out of it.
Because they like that better than actually facing up to something and dealing with it, or talking about it. And they brood in caves, and your house, and hover about sheep. Because sheep are stupid and easily lead and baa like this.
*baaaas, passably well*
I learnt that from Violet. She's my purple sheep. Adam made her for me. Adam's a nice guy. Adam, I hope that you and Oz are very happy together. And that you don't have bats haunting you. Because they'll brood away from you and never solve anything. Just run away. And tell you not to follow. And that's stupid because how are you supposed to fix something if one half of it is missing? Do bats even fly if you rip off one of their wings?
Ryuuji: My guess would be no, so that's just stupid, stupid, stupid and cruel.
Stephen: The very thought is absurd. How should a bat fly wingless? I see no reason why such a peaceable creature should be harmed.
Ryuuji: *blinkblink* Maybe the bats that you know. Not that I want to harm any bats. They do that to themselves and then they brood about it. One day, a bat is going to brood about the lack of air in outer space, you just know it's going to happen.
*rubs head* Pass me more Evil Clown Repellent, please? It also repels brooding quite effectively, since Jason stopped being broody when he got drunk. Talked lots about Tim though. TIM! Are you listening to this boardcast? Broadcast. Whatever the English word is. Stupid language. Anyway! Jason went off looking for you with Dick but you're not with Dick and weren't with Dick, and I told Jason that so I warn you right now that Jason's going to be grouchy when he gets back.
People get grouchy very easily, Stephen. Why aren't they more cheerful? It's not like being a happy person means that you're stupid or anything. Though maybe it's a little childish to be happy but what's so wrong about being childish? I'd rather be a happy child than a grouchy adult.
And besides, who asked them to act like adults anyway? If someone's got age barriers and an upper-age-limit, it's for a reason, like them wanting someone in the same age range and presumably with a similar level of emotional maturity.
If I wanted to be condescended to and looked down upon and treated like I'm inferior and incompetent and incapable of taking care of myself, I'd get a cat!
*pause* Oh wait, I already have a kitten. She counts. SEE? I have a kitten! I don't need an adult figure in my life, and especially don't need to be sleeping with one. Do I look like I have a Mrs. Robinson complex? *plaintive look at Stephen, tawny brown hair flopping messily over his face, large brown eyes wide and pouting just a little*
Stephen: Who is she?
Ryuuji: She's... I don't exactly know. I think that the Beatles, this band of people with mopbucket hair, wrote a song about her based on a movie called The Graduate about a student who falls for a professor or a professor's wife or something. I never saw the movie 'cause it's not to my tastes, so I don't exactly know. But anyway, there was a song about Mrs. Robinson, and Jesus, and a Mrs. Robinson complex is when you think that older women are hot or are attracted to them or something. Which is actually pretty dumb because everyone expects girls to like older guys, but that's more of a power hierarchy thing, I think, with guys supposed to be able to take care of girls and stuff which means more emotional maturity as well, maybe.
*pause* Human cultures are really, really weird, and even though I don't have a Mrs. Robinson complex, I think that we should play that song for Sara Sidhe, my favorite Ravenclaw Prefect! She's also currently the ONLY Ravenclaw Prefect, 'cause all the Houses are down to only one Prefect each -- Kaylee, Draco, Sara, what do you say to another Prefect meeting about the elections that should be coming up soon? We ought to close the sign-up options soon, since it looks like we have plenty of people, and I don't think that I should arrange the details when I'm blitzed out of my mind and never got the booster shot of Evil Clown Repellent that I asked for, so owl me, okay?
Ryuuji: *pouts at Stephen, still on the floor, waiting for another shot*
Stephen: You look miserably hipped. I think this calls for Evil Clown Repellent Purple.
Ryuuji: Hipped? There's something wrong with my hips?! *goes wide-eyed and tries to stand up uneasily, smoothing his hands over his hips* ...Snake hips. I have snake hips. They can wriggle in all sorts of directions. *demonstrates, quite blatantly*
See? Snake hips. Boy hips. Girl hips are all curvy, and fun. Guys are just straight up and down, but being flexy is fun. It's useful. And it means that you can tabledance with a girl without being too outclassed. Girls are better at dancing, for some weird reason, but Evil Clown Repellent Purple sounds even better than that.
What does Purple taste like again?
Grape?
Sour grapes. Wine. Mai likes wine. I drank more when I was together with her than any other period in my life, except maybe the last couple of weeks since this is what, my fourth time getting drunk within a two week period? And not just drunk but smashed-out-of-my-mind drunk. There are probably drugs out there which would be kinder to me than this much alcohol.
*takes the shot cheerfully anyway and downs it with a laugh* But there's no guarantee that they'd keep clowns away and that's what's important. More people in this world need to keep their priorities straight.
Stephen: Oh, we can find you many kind drugs, sure. For evil clowns nothing will do but these gelatinous concoctions, however.
Ryuuji: YAY! *pause* Wait, no, I think that I'm against substance abuse. Well, actually, I'm technically against alcohol abuse either, but everyone is allowed a few lapses occasionally. And since this is Hogwarts, it's not like we can die of alcohol poisoning and hey, Stephen, I just thought of something!
How far does the no-kill rule extend? For example, I know that we can be injured and lose blood, and our skin cells still die and fall off us, so does that mean that brain cells die as well? I'd like alcohol a lot better if I didn't need to worry about it killing brain cells, but I don't think that no-kill rule prevents brain cells from being killed, right? So what happens if we have a really tiny applicant come? Like an amoeba or something? Do they get protected under the no-kill rule or are they too small?
Or is it that the no-kill rule protects the life of anyone sentient, but only their physical life, and that it doesn't bother with the bits and pieces, meaning that it can animate bodies that should be dead? And if that's the case, what would it do with zombies since they're already dead?
Stephen: We did have one zombie applicant, who was squibbed. Perhaps we ought to have kept him for experiments.
Ryuuji: ...Was he sentient? Because I'm against experimenting on sentients without permission. And even then, I'd like to make sure that it's as painless as possible and not really dangerous since otherwise, it doesn't seem totally fair. And I'm not fond of animal experimentation either, which is why computers are so cool.
You just plug in all the data and play! Then you map out the models and call up graphs of the results, then tweak the intial data until you get the result you need. The problem here is that we don't have enough info on how the no-kill rules works to come up with an adequate formula for the computer to accept, so our results would be incomplete.
*makes himself get up and stagger back into the chair, practically falling into it* We should play a Potions song instead to cheer ourselves up. Or maybe one about Evil Clowns. Your pick, Stephen!
Stephen: We ought to play something about potions, I think. All this talk of evil clowns may conjure evil clowns, and that would be frightful indeed
Ryuuji: The Joker might even call in! Do you think he will? What should we do if he does? Are we allowed to throw Evil Clown Repellent at him, or is that considered assault-and-battery? And do you think that it's poisonous to clowns? Would he be in intense pain if he drank some, or would it be only as much pain as a bad hangover the next morning? Because even that's better than nothing.
And would that make us girls? Because poison is considered a woman's weapon but we're the ones who invented Evil Clown Repellent, so would forcing it down the Joker's throat count as poisoning him if it truly does affect them badly? Mull it over while we listen to Magic Potion by Flunk.
Stephen: Perhaps the no-kill rule would prevent Evil Clown Repellent from having much of an effect on the likes of the Joker.
Ryuuji: Nah, not necessarily. It could make him suffer through the pain without actually dying, and then because he doesn't die, the pain never ends. I mean, I've seen no-kill zones before, and generally speaking, people just use them to put each other through hell or to up their pain tolerance.
And I can personally testify that you still feel physical pain while in Hogwarts, you just don't die from it -- I went through with some experiments that involved hanging myself, stabbing myself in the heart, and a few other things that should have normally been fatal yet failed to kill me. Nothing that I couldn't have fixed if the no-kill rule hadn't caught me, though, no worries about that! *laughs, downs another show*
Stephen: *taken aback*
Stephen: Your dedication to science is admirable, Ryuuji.
Ryuuji: *hugs Stephen impulsively!*
Ryuuji: No, it's okay, really! Been through worse and that was okay because it was my choice to do it and test the limits of the no-kill rule. It's not like I had an Evil Clown embedding steel spikes through my legs from the hips downwards to paralyse them and then making me do pushups to strengthen my arms or anything. It was all my idea and my experiment design, and so that makes it okay.
Ryuuji: *pause* And 'sides, I'm not so much sure that it was science as just my own curiosity. Because I get very, very curious and then it's hard to back away until I get an answer, and those experiments gave me lots of answers.
*lets go of Stephen to down three shots in quick sucessions* Answers are good.
Answers are great. People ought to ask questions and get answers instead of just running away like cowards. Cowardly unfoxy Coxy, do you run away from unanswered questions or do you wrestle them to the ground and crack them open so that they'll bleed answers out?
Ryuuji: ...Do you think that he's even listening to this show, Stephen?
Stephen: I think he does listen to WART.
Stephen: *gives Ryuuji a meaningful and possibly evil look*
Ryuuji: *couldn't care less how evil Stephen is as long as Stephen doesn't turn into a clown suddenly*
Stephen: *would never, ever turn into a clown!*
Stephen: Play some more music, so we can drink in peace.
Ryuuji: A toast to peaceful drinking! *clinks a shot glass against Stephen's, and downs it* And for everyone else out there, take a listen to Neil Diamond's song, Clown Town.
Ryuuji: *knocks back shots steadily during the song, well past the stage of alcohol poisoning, then starts rummaging through archives again* Man, there are a lot of Eurotrash songs here. And lots of unhappy love songs. I wonder who compiled all this stuff? I feel sorry for them. Poor guy. Or girl. It's not like it's hard to empathize with them, after all. We should play something of theirs! Like, um... Crazy Amanda Bunkface! Because the singer says that he's only nineteen in the lyrics, and I'm only nineteen, so that's as good a reason to play it as anything else.
Stephen: I think there may have been a notorious female pirate named Crazy Amanda Bunkface.
Stephen: Or if there was not, there should have been.
Ryuuji: Maimed in a tragic accident that involved a runaway bunkbed. I can see it now.
Ryuuji: Poor girl. In the flower of her youth, she grew enamoured with a pirate captain, and ran away to sea with him only to find that he had an intolerable habit of hogging the bunkbed and making his crew sleep on hammocks. Fed up with his selfish, piggy ways, she one night crept into his cabin, and sought to evict him from the bunkbed by force but just then, a storm hit the waters from nowhere, and the bunkbed grew unsteady, then fell on her and crushed her face for a few seconds before her beloved captain heaved it aside with strength born of panic and cradled her close.
But too late! The damage was done! She was forever scarred and so, the woman was known as Pirate Crazy Amanda Bunkface. Stephen, let us have a toast and then three seconds of silence for the woman's sad fate.
Stephen: I shall drink to that with all my heart.
Ryuuji: *clinks his shot glass against Stephen's, then downs it* And to remind people that it's important not to judge on appearance, let's listen to another Eurotrash song! This time, When You Look At Me by Christina Milian. Because it's a lot harder to find a good cook than a good lover. Can you cook?
Stephen: Not at all, my dear. Other people do that for me.
Ryuuji: What happens if you get stranded on an island with nobody there to cook for you?!
Stephen: Oh, one can roast small animals, if there is wood to burn. Or else one can subsist on fruits or mosses or whatnot. There should be some sort of survival skills class here.
Ryuuji: I'd teach it, but I'm kinda busy enough as it is, and you're surely very busy like that as well. Because we've got stuff to do and we don't moon around missing people that disappear into rooms or off-world or onto other continents and they're stupid anyway if they'd rather be off doing whatever with whomever instead of staying around to talk to us.
And there's an Alanis song here called Doth I Protest Too Much and the answer is no, but I'm playing it anyway just because I've got control of the airwaves along with you, Stephen, and together, the two of us shall annihilate the threat of Evil Clowns with lots of girly music, Evil Clown Repellent and affection. *hugs demonstratively*
Stephen: *also hugs!*
Stephen: What is Eurotrash, though?
Stephen: You have used the term more than once.
Ryuuji: Ohhhhh. Past your time, right? Well! Eurotrash is a very loose term -- it refers to both a type of music and a type of lifestyle. It's basically lower-class European people who listen to very hectic, techno-like music, dress in bright halter tops and short shorts out of cheap fabric, drink beer out of the bottles and take corners sharply in cars while laughing raucously.
In German, you call them "prolets', pronounced 'pro-laits' to rhyme with 'waits', which is short for proletarian. It's basically used to refer to something that's tacky, cheap but curiously popular.
Stephen: Would evil clowns be considered Eurotrash?
Ryuuji: Hm. I don't know. Maybe if they came from Europe? We should listen to Lay It Down Clown by The Replacements just to make sure that we don't forget what the real purpose of this show is.
Ryuuji: *takes another shot* You know, the archives have a lot of angry girl music about love. Poor girls. They spend a lot of time singing about how unhappy guys have made them. Guys suck. All guys should refrain from entering relationships with each other because they're just going to screw each other over, and girls should avoid guys as well. All girls should be lesbians, in fact.
*pause* Well, actually, that might lead to the extermination of the human race since we wouldn't have any more kiddies unless you made a femmepreg potion or whatever, but humans suck. They really do. Suck like a black hole thrown into high gear. Though most other sentient species aren't much better. What is it about the ability to think for yourself that inspires cruelty?
I mean, whatever happened to Descartes and his 'I think, therefore I am'? When did it get turned into 'I hurt others, therefore I laugh'? Seriously, people suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck - *breaks off to laugh* And sound very funny when they try to complain about it. Anyway, Natalia Imbrug- something, too drunk to pronounce her name - has a song called Torn that perfectly demonstrates what I was saying about angry girls and broken hearts, so we can listen to that now!
Stephen: I think some changes to the mpreg potion could yield a promising femmepreg prototype.
Ryuuji: *cheers drunkenly* YAY! Stephen, single-handed savior of the human race! *pause* This calls for a recital of your theme songs. *claps hands brightly* Everyone, listen up! I'm about to sing Stephen's theme song, which was written specially for him during our mudwrestling practice!
*clears throat*
"Generally,
I just shoot people.
People.
People."
Ryuuji: *realizes he never got further than that, improvises on the spot*
"Oh those crazy people.
All those crazy people.
I just shoot insulting people.
People.
People."
Stephen: I do not remember there being a second verse. The best part is the part about shooting.
Stephen: Also, the part about people.
Ryuuji: All songs need more than one verse! *grins* But I'm glad you like it. Hm. Maybe the third verse should have more shooting in it. *attempts bravely!*
"I shoot people. Shoot. Shoot.
Shoooooooooooooooooooooooot! *hit high note, pauses*
People."
Ryuuji: *blinkblink* My artistic efforts require more Evil Clown Repllent.
Stephen: There should be a part in the song about evil clowns, after we succeed in shooting an evil clown.
Ryuuji: Yes! Once we do that, I'
*I'll write in another verse. *slings arm over Stephen's shoulder, continues cheerfully* Together, we should go Evil Clown hunting! Have you ever hunted someone after they've died? It's really, really difficult because see, you have to track them down first.
The universe, it's -- *gestures with free hand vaguely* Like a room. A big room. Filled with threads crossing from all over, starting from walls or midair or the floor or ceiling and ending everywhere. And they cross through each other, and knot around each other, and you have to find the thread of the person you're hunting, and track them to the point in time that you're at, and then figure out what how to get to their physical location.
And if they're in another universe, they pass right through the walls, because it's more like cell walls or a penetrable membrane, where you can kinda diffuse through if you go with the concentration gradient -- assuming that every living thing goes to death, then the push is towards death -- and you follow that.
Because all the rooms intersect, because they exist in x dimensions, x being an infinite variable, so it's like how all the walls go to corners? Now imagine all the corners rubbing against each other, and how it's thinner where that happens, so it's easier to slip through. And that's how you jump through alternate universes! Aim for the place where reality's the weakest, then slip through. Because that's the hub to everything, where it all comes down to a center.
And that's how leaks happen as well, which is why there are books written about real people in worlds where everyone thinks that those people don't exist. Like the Pocahontas movie! I wonder what the real Pocahontas is like? I'd love for her to app. Her hair rocks. *touches his own short brown hair wistfully* And Mulan. I want Mulan to app as well. Absolute favorite Disney movie. What's your favorite?
Ryuuji: *totally forgotten Stephen wouldn't know what Disney is*
Stephen: .... Right.
Ryuuji: *blinkblink*
Ryuuji: I don't think that I've seen that... *remembers original conversation topic* Or do you mean Evil Clown hunting?
Ryuuji: *promises blithely* I won't let any harm come to you!
Stephen: .... I forget what now.
Stephen: Oh, we will defend one another from evil clowns to the death! Back to back.
Ryuuji: To their death, not ours! For Evil Clowns cannot stand up to the power of friendship. *pause, shocked into something approaching sobriety* Ki'yala. I sound like Yugi! *says that like it's the worst fate in the world, then starts giggling uncontrollably*
Stephen: Yugi is given to valiant denunciations of evil clowns?
Ryuuji: Noooo! Yugi goes on about the power of friendship, and the heart of the cards, and sounds like an optimistic idiot. *laughs again* He's a little midget in bondage gear, and he's beat Seto at Duel Monsters, but he's not the one that wins, it's the Pharaoh from the past that possessed him.
Well, usually. Sometimes, Yugi duelled on his own as well.
Our duels aren't with guns, though, they're with monsters. You have cards, and you use the cards to summon monsters. And if you're a normal person, you just use the holograms or figurines. Otherwise, you duel in the Shadow Realm and summon real monsters. Except real monsters are all Ka, Ka of dead people, unless you summon your Ka. Which requires effort to control, so you can drop dead of a heart attack or just die of energy loss in the Shadow Realm, so duels normally end when one person goes unconscious and can't keep their monsters on the field any longer. And Seto tries to summon the most powerful monsters, and
Yugi and the Pharaoh rely on getting lucky at the last minute, and I play strategically by setting up grids and making it look like the battlefield it is.
Ryuuji: Seto was the world's greatest duellist, you know, before Yugi beat him. *nodnod*
Stephen: So the monsters are like demons?
Ryuuji: Nooo! *laughs* Ka. Ka are a fifth part of your soul, and you need Ba to control them. Ba's energy. When you lose all your Ba, you die. You can have your Ka killed, and it'll be okay, because it can revive itself as long as you live, but you can't live without Ba. Not demon magic, soul magic, because if it was demon magic, then you'd have to rely on other creatures with their own minds but Ka shares your mind, unless it's someone else's Ka, in which case they have the mind of the rest of their soul, unless it's the Ka of someone that's dead, in which case it has only a fraction of a mind.
*pauses, downs a shot, adds cheerfully* But there are demon-looking Ka! Like Lord of Demise, which Kura likes.
Ku~ra, are you listening? I'm glad you don't hate me any longer. Because you shouldn't, because we're alike, you and I. And I know that you bled more for the Items, and suffered more, but Kura, you lost your village and I lost sixteen years of your life. And I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for your pain, but I'm glad that we're not enemies, Kura, because I don't hate you, and never hated you, and I'm glad-glad-glad that you don't want to kill me any longer because I didn't like the idea that I was making you unhappy.
*knocks back another shot* A toast to Kura!
Stephen: *is totally nonplussed, but gamely takes another shot and raises it* To Kura!
Ryuuji: And to Evil Clown Repllent, may its efficacy never wane!
Stephen: To Evil Clown Repellent, all varieties except blue!
Ryuuji: We shouldn't isolate blue just because it's icky. That's prejudice. Prejudice is bad! It leads to crosses being burnt, which is also bad unless it's in a Madonna video. But I didn't like that video. I don't think that I liked any of her videos, actually, though she's cool for being able to reinvent herself. And the liplock on stage was kind of fun because it helped get bisexuality more accepted even if it's still only for the thrill factor and nothing real. But I still think that it's better than nothing! *grins and takes another shot* Does the archive have any Madonna songs to play? You can check and if not, we'll go back to angry girl pop-rock.
Stephen: You mean, the Mother of God? *rummages* No, I see nothing here by that name.
Ryuuji: ...Huh? *lost look* No, Madonna's a singer slash dancer. She's one of the first-name-only brigade. Um. I'm not all that fond of her, because I like alternative slash punk rock better than pop, but she's really, really famous. And has a video with burning crosses, which is normally something only the KKK does -- they probably didn't exist in your time, right? They're evil. Not like Evil
Clowns, but still evil and they wear costumes! *pause* Are we going to need costumes to combat Evil Clowns or can we stick to civvies? I feel most comfortable in my leather pants and sleeveless tops, even if I'm not wearing them right now.
Stephen: Good God, no costumes. We should be prepared to fight evil clowns at any time of day and in any weather.
Ryuuji: *grins at Stephen, delighted* You are a man after my own heart! Evil Clowns never take off their masks, so why should be any more lax? CONSTANT VIGILANCE. Evil Clowns shall rue the day that they tried to tangle with us. Tango. Tangle. *puzzled look* Stephen, this language is most odd. Do we smite Evil Clowns for attempting to tangle with us, or for trying to tango with us?
Stephen: I believe that the two amount to the same offense!
Ryuuji: Yes! They are both vile, vile acts to perform with Evil Clowns. No tangling or tangoing! Not even foxtrotting. Can you foxtrot, Stephen? In my world, dancing is much more informal, so most people can get by with only knowing a waltz or two. Waltzing is pretty fun. Sword-dancing is even cooler, though that's not from my world, more's the pity. Sword-dancing is just awesome.
Stephen: Oh, there are all sorts of dances one may perform, depending on the country and the context. I wonder if they all have some power to fend off evil clowns. Have you ever seen an evil clown dance?
Ryuuji: *blithely* Yes! *adds in a tone of drunken contemplation* Of course, he was on fire at the time, so I don't think that it was so much him dancing as trying to get the flames out. Do you think it counts? It definitely involved some nifty footwork and flailing about with his arms. But it didn't look attractive in the least, and dancing usually makes people look appealing, when they do it properly anyway.
When it's done badly, they just look like idiots.
Or fall off tables like I did, but I dance well normally, really!
I just need someone else on the table with me. Do you think that we should ask the listeners if any of them would be willing to toddle up here to dance on a table with me so that I may heal my wounded ego?
Stephen: You need a sturdier table is all.
Ryuuji: Why? The table didn't break. It's just that it felt unbalanced to have all the weight on my end of it, instead of having any on the other end to balance it out. Like scales! Yeah. The scales can be the sturdiest ones in the world, but that still won't do anything if all the weights are only put in one balance and not the other. *taps mike* Call all lovers of Evil Clown Repellent!
Floo in after the show to perform a tabledance with the Slytherin Prefect in order to keep away Evil Clowns.
Stephen: It will be truly magical!
Ryuuji: *pause* ...Wait, hang on, better idea. MAI! I know you're listening. You come in and dance with me! Because you're my best friend for life, and you've already danced with me, and you like Evil Clown Repellent and you hate Evil Clowns too! Yes. Mai. You can be my partner in the dance to repel Evil Clowns. Stephen, do you think that you could sing your theme song? I thought of a third verse for it!
"But especially,
I shoot Evil Clowns.
Evil Clowns.
Evil Clowns."
Stephen: *shakes head* That is an admirable verse and my voice would not do it credit. I should hire some notable chanteuse to sing it, someone capable of singing very loudly as well so that all evil clowns will know to keep their distance from Hogwarts.
Ryuuji: Oh Stephen, you do think of the best ideas! I would love to cover plintconarhythmic equations with you and see what input you have. *pauses* ...Man, I'm such a geek. I just lost twenty cool points right there, didn't I? *knocks back a shot, laughs* Right. Stephen, I think that I'm hanging out with too many Ravenclaws. Not only am I drinking like you guys, but I'm geeking out on multidimensional math formulae and postulates.
How embarrassing. I get drunk and geek out in public. Woe. I’m going to be wearing glasses next, and pocket protectors and – and – PLAID. OZ! Save me from the plaid, please! Oh wait, you wear plaid. I’m doomed. DOOMED. Unless…
KIRA! You don’t wear plaid. Please, promise me that you won’t ever let me wear plaid. Unless it’s a kilt, with jeans, and maybe a kicky ripped top and – No, wait, this is not the time to talk about fashion. We’re warding off evil clowns. And I owe you a song for being utterly cool, and I hope you like the peppermint treats I sent via Seto. If you want to do that black-white movie thing that we keep postponing, by the way, I’m totally up for it anytime. Except now. Because I think that I’m a little blitzed at the moment, and I don’t have any Voltaire to play you even though he wrote an entire album from the devil’s point of view. So about listening to Escape by Enrique something, because it’s a song about love always wins out in the end?
But that’s not angry chick music, and we’re meant to be listening to angry chick music, so let’s also take a listen to Crush by Jennifer Paige. And just to make sure the guys don’t feel left out, Motivation from Sum 41 and Teenage Dirtbag for the purpose of full coverage.
Right! Time to ask the listeners to Floo in with their questions, advice and random sayings so that we won’t be unseemly geeky in public. Otherwise I’d probably lose my title of Most Popular – and thank you so much to everyone that voted for me, I really appreciated it. I’d give you a speech but I’m drunk and I’m talking too much anyway, so you probably just want me to shut up and get to the fun part where you call in and talk to a blitzed teacher and his assistant. And while we’re waiting, let’s play Strange Brew by Eric Clapton, to get back to the Potions theme!
…Okay, and a Placebo song to finish off because I love Placebo and always will. And hey, I just thought of how Brian Molko has blue eyes and black hair. Does that mean that if he showed up here, the Batclan would take him in? I loved the Special K video. I will never fail to love the shot of him out on the window ledge, and how he just takes a deep breath and steps right off while everyone else is trying to keep him on. I love it, and love it, and love it, and I wish that I had the song here to play for you but I don’t, so you get to listen to Every Me, Every You instead.
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You do sound quite drunk. Maybe I'll try some of your anti-clown drinks, they sound quite nice. Apart from the potato thing. *face clouds slightly* I... I was killed while protecting my mistress. By a woman called Black Mamba. I'm going to find her and kill her myself, one day.
I've not met Kaylee-san. Perhaps I'll owl her. I get on very well with most of the Hufflepuffs, but some of the other students are mean to my friends and I don't like that very much at all.
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And okay! What flavor do you like? I can send you some via the shadows, 'cause we can't 'port stuff around here, but shadow-sending still works, luckily. And they don't taste like they're made from potatoes, so it's fine. *nods!* Ohhhhh. Why did that woman want to kill your mistress? And good luck finding her and dealing out revenge.
Really? That's too bad! It sucks when people can't just get along and fight all the time. Who are your friends? I think that I get on well with pretty much everyone, or at least, I hope I do. I mean, I got voted Most Popular in the yearbok, so that has to count for something, right?
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I don't know what that means, to give me some "via the shadows", but alright. I'd like an orange flavoured one. Or cherry. And it wasn't my place to know why she wanted to kill her, it was my place to -- never mind. When I find her, I'm going to make her wish she'd let me kill her first time around.
My best friends here are Primavera-chan and Nny-chan. I don't like it when people insult them, or upset them. It's nice that lots of people like you though. Doesn't it make it difficult when they insult one another? Who do you back up?
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*really should not be doing magic while drunk, but picks up the nearest two shots of orange and cherry Jello, then focuses on wrapping the shadows around them, then speeding them into the Shadow Realm and into Gogo's shadow* Okay! You should have them know. I dimensioned them through the shadows into your shadow so if your shadow is streaming behind you, careful, 'cause that's where they are. And okay. That makes sense, though since I'm a curious little brat, I would have wanted to know why anyone was trying to kill anyone else.
I think that I talked to Primavera at her sorting. She said that I have doll-green eyes! *laughs* I like her. And Nny's fun too, though I think that he's mad at me for being drunk on air. Which kinda sucks, but makes sense, since I used to be one of the people unhappy about all the drinking and now I'm one of them. Boo. Life sucks. Insert emo whining here, 'cause I don't believe in being unhappy when you can be happy. It's stupid to whine and angst over things -- life is too short to spend it miserable.
And yes, it makes it pretty difficult when they're fighting. I tend to try to just break up the fights instead of siding with anyone in particular, because that's more diplomatic and gets less people stressed in the end!
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Oh! It worked.
*re-appears*
I've never had one of these before. *downs the orange one, looks thoughtful* Quite nice. Lots of people wanted to kill my mistress - I just never let any of them, before. She was very important.
My friends are wonderful. I'm glad you like them. I means you must be quite sensible, at least. And I don't like being unhappy either. It doesn't happen very often to me, which is nice, but I'm bored an awful lot. It just means I have to make my own entertainment.
*downs the cherry shot*
But fighting is fun! Except you can't kill anyone here. That's frustrating.
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*knocks back a cherry shot to keep her company* Want some more? I like you so far. I don't want the Evil Clowns to get you.
And why was your mistress important? Important just to you, or to other people as well? Must have been generally important to have people trying to kill her -- that's one easy way of telling what someone's like, just judge them by their enemies.
*nods to the bored bit* I know what you mean! It's probably why I spend so much time sparring and working on new Potions and running my company and -- ...*pause, laugh* Okay, well, maybe I'm good at finding things to do. What do you like, besides fighting? I'm up for sparring practice with pretty much anyone, just because.
And! The good thing about not being able to kill people is that you can inflict fatal blows without actually killing them, because even stabbing them through the heart doesn't kill them. So it's very real practice, as real as a simulator would make!
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She was one of the greatest assassins in the world. Then she became head of the Tokyo Yakuza clans. And a lot of people disliked the fact that she was partly Chinese and partly American.
Oh, I like lots of things. Do you want me to list them? I like driving and dancing and playing with my and Prima-chan's pups and shopping and sex and
Nny-chan in a skirtrunning and manga. *giggles* Have you ever sparred against a manriki?*eyes light up* Really? That would be fun... *looks thoughtful*
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*widens eyes* Ohhhh. That's cool. Seto's involved with the yakuza in my world, but that's definitely a different world from yours. Did your mistress have magic? Why did you work for her?
And those sound like fun! What type of pups? And what do you drive? And which manga? I brought a cool collection with me when I got here. *laughs and shakes his head* Nope! First time for everything!
*grins, wickedly playful* It's very fun. And very useful as well. Especially if you're sparring with someone that has a high pain tolerance and plenty of healing potions to fix everything afterwards...
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*looks surprised when it works, and downs the lime one*
These're nice. We didn't have magic, no. But she was the most amazing, beautiful fighters I've ever seen. I worked for her because... she chose me. She wanted me.
*giggles* You're very interested! They're Devenesian devils! Devenesia is the island Nny-chan has now, and he gave Prima-chan and I two litter-mates for our own. I drove a Rolls Royce, and my favourite manga is Tsubasa. *glares, as if he might say something about this* You know, neither have I. Fought against one, I mean. Only with.
*drinks the next shot*
That sounds wonderful. Who do you spar against?
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Wow. She sounds awesome! Where did you get chosen from -- what were you doing before she picked you out? And why did she choose you?
*laughs and scrunches his nose at her childishly* Oh, cool! I have a purple lamb that Adam made me, and a kitten called God from DEATH. My car's currently a baby Jag but I'm spending more time on my motorbike, and my favorite manga's actually Yellow. *impish look, like he's waiting for her to comment or wondering if she'll know what that is -- definitely not going to make fun of Tsubasa* Do you know lots of manriki?
I spar with Mystique, Jason, Nightwing, Terry, shoot with Stephen and River, and had some other partners for other types of fighting but they've been popcorned now, so I've got way more free time for practice than I used to. *grins at her* And as the Potions TA, I can mix up tons of healing stuff for when the matches are over!
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(Anonymous) 2006-06-09 06:56 pm (UTC)(link)She was awesome. She was the most wonderful person in the whole world, and I wouldn't have died for anyone less. I was being trained - I was always being trained, that's how I was raised - but I'd been stupid and got arrested, and one of her people saw me fighting with the police. *she smiles* I was thirteen, I think? Maybe twelve. Didn't become her bodyguard til I was sixteen. *downs the second shot*
A real lamb, or a toy? It sounds sweet anyway. The car wasn't really mine - none of them were, I would drive for O-Ren-sama. But that was the one I used most. I don't have one at all now. *a matching grin* I like Yellow! I wish Tsubasa was half as explicit. It's perfectly obvious that Kurogane and Fai are getting it on. *nods seriously at both Ryuuji and the shot glass before downing it*
And you've inflicted fatal wounds on each other? Without dying? *she looks slightly too eager about this* I would spar with you. You sound fun. Maybe we should be friends! *a giggle* I feel strange, though, meeting you through a fireplace.
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*half grin* Awesome. Who trained you before her, and why were they training you? Yakuza stuff still?
A real lamb! Her name is Violet, and I'm keeping her as a pet, along with God. They both live in my quarters.
And oh, sweet. I love having a nice pair of wheels at the school, even though I don't get to use them that much. *snickers at her knowing what Yellow is, looks just a little rueful at getting caught out* I don't really know much about Tsubasa, but feel free to clue me in? *arches an eyebrow and takes another shot himself*
Yeah! Like I said, no-kill rule. So it's easy to tell when we would have killed each other, stop, mend ourselves up and then go another few rounds. And sparring with you sounds like it would be fun. *grins happily and laughs* Hey, I've met people under weirder circumstances. At least we're getting plenty of time to talk and figure out how we get on. And what's your favorite sparring style -armed, unarmed, magic allowed, magic only, no magic or anything I missed?
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That's so sweet! I never had a pet before I came here. Have you seen any of the Devenesian devils? They're adorable. *waves her hand dismissively* All you really need to know about Tsubasa is there's an angry sexy ninja and a teasing willowy magician. And they're having sex. But they won't tell you about it in the manga, you have to work it out for yourself. At least in Yellow they show you. *giggle* And in Gravitation, do you read that?
So... if I were to bash your head in with a hammer, so that your skull was all smashed up, you'd just do a spell and it'd go back to normal? Or if I cut off a hand? *looks very eager now they're talking shop* I've never fought with magic - I didn't know it really existed before I came here. And I like fighting when I'm drunk. Or killing when I'm drunk. But I think fighting with you would be more fun than just killing you, so I'm not going to. *biig smile, as if she'd bestowed a wonderful compliment, as and she takes another shot*
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*shakes his head emphatically* No, I don't think that I've seen any of them! But you can see God and Violet later, if you like. I take Violet for walks every so often, to keep her from getting too fat. *laughs* Sounds fun. Do you have anything else with you? We could pool our manga with Mokie -- that's my little brother -- and have a manga-reading afternoon as a post-sparring treat to wind down! But he doesn't spar. He's not like me. And yeah, I've got Gravitation! Who's your favorite? I like Sakuma-sama the best.
*head tilt, makes a face* I don't think that I know any spells powerful enough to make my head go back to normal if you bashed it in with a hammer, but I do have some of Eros' bribe, which would cure that. Cutting off a hand, there's a very specific potion for regrowing bones that I'd need to take first, and then I'd have to take other potions to get the muscle and nerves back.
*quick grin* Magic-muscle-metal combos are my favorite. When you hit someone really, really hard with a knife and slam electricity through them when the knife goes in so that the shock travels right through their blood? That totally rocks. Using all three together is the best way to fight! Or well, my favorite way to fight, maybe not the best. *laughs, knocks back another shot and passes her some more* I try not to fight when I'm drunk 'cause it's harder to judge things. I overhit and use more energy than is really needed, so it's kinda embarrassing to want to just hit someone into a wall but end up knocking them right through it so that the damn house collapses. *wrinkles his nose at her with another easy laugh* Really, really embarrassing, actually. Wait until I sober up, then I'll meet you on Sunday -- if you're free -- for a real match. Muscle and metal only if you don't like magic, right?
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And I can show you Kuro-pip and Fifi! I don't think they would try to eat your pets. Fifi might try to bite them. *giggles* Not much. That would be nice - Prima-chan doesn't read manga, not really. *whispers* I like Shuichi-san best, I think. But you can't tell anybody. They might not think I'm scary any more!
Oh, so you shouldn't do really fun things, then? I suppose not being able to squish brains is better than having to kill house-elves.
*downs another shot* I want to learn that! Do they teach it here? I didn't know you could fight using magic until recently. I've found books about it, but I haven't really learned any of the basics so they're useless. And... I suppose I don't really fight when I'm drunk. I just like stabbing things. *giggles* But yes! We can spar on Sunday. No magic, because I don't know any yet.
... I think I might be a little drunk, Ryuuji-san.
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God's a DEATH kitten! *laughs* I'm pretty sure that she can take care of herself, and Violet is all fluffy, so it's hard to get through her fur to even bite. And I'll ask Mokie about a manga evening then! *snickers, winks at her playfully* I don't think you're scary at all. You're fun! But okay, nobody will ever hear about you liking Shuichi from me. Promise.
And I think that you can try but that's a bit of a waste of the bribe that Eros gave out. I wonder if the people who got popcorned would mind if I borrowed their doses? 'cause it's not like they're using it...
*knocks back a shot to keep her company despite being more than drunk enough* I can teach you it, since they don't teach us that kind of stuff here! They're very peaceful, for the most part. And if we're going to spar, then I can show you how to do them then, and we can practice the moves together. One of my absolute favorites is a nerve-strike combined with a flesh-shearing spell so that you paralyze someone and make all their flesh fall off their bones to leave them just a skeleton! It's awesome.
*passes her another shot* Only a little? Here, take this and fix that! *laughs, and adds easily* Call me Ryuuji? I try to blend in with the native culture, which means using their way of speaking. Though if you want me to use suffixes for you, I can.
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*firm nod* A manga night will be fun. How old is your little brother? Is he old enough for Yellow? *another shot, giggling* People thinking I'm scary can be fun, though. It was sort of part of my job. But some people think I'm fun, here, so that's nice. Lots of people with similar interests...
Eros...? Oh! I don't think I like him. He upset Nny-chan. But what was his bribe?
*eyes go wide listening to his description of magical combat moves* Yes. You need to show me how to do these things. It's a shame they don't teach it as a class... I can show you some moves with a manriki, if you like. So we're not entirely uneven.
Alright, then. I don't mind if you don't use suffixes - my mistress didn't always, and neither did Sofie-san. But she was part French. And my mistress was a little bit Chinese and a little bit American.
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Mokuba's thirteen! Sometimes, he takes aging-up potions and then he turns twenty-one and looks almost exactly like me, except with storm blue eys instead of green. You know the sea looks when there's a storm on, all wild waves and whippy froth, not really blue but too bright to be grey either? Like that. Those are Mokie's eyes. Easiest way to tell if it's me or an extra-old Mokie. And I don't think that's old enough to read Yellow but he probably has other manga that he can share with us.
And Eros, I'm not a fan of either. He hurt some of my friends, and shot me twice, and isn't cool in general though he makes a cute kid. His bribe was awesome though, one of the best yet -- you know the stuff the Greek god eat, nectar and ambrosia? He offered enough of it to make the drinker immortal for twenty-four hours, so now I've started trying to mix it in with potions so that it can cure fatal injuries in the moment and that way, you can save yourself from dying several times instead of just being immortal for a day.
*grins and nods!* Alright, that'll be fun! We can definitely trade off, and teach each other. I love learning new fighting styles, they're so useful for when you have to spar with people that don't really know you. Like, a lot of the people that I spar with, I spar exhibition-style, all pretty and graceful, 'cause if I fought the way that I normally do, it would be over too quick and they'd be freaked out by what the moves do when they connect.
...I'm half-French! *delighted laugh, knocks back another shot* But I can call you Yubari-san if you like, really. I don't mind.
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Aging-up potions? I met someone who took one of those... *raises eyebrows, takes another shot* Are you always so poetic, or is it the Evil-Clown-Repellant?
He doesn't sound very nice - almost-- Nonono, wait, shouldn't talk about that. Not mine to tell. But does he give that stuff to everybody? It would be very useful.
*giggles* Pretty and graceful can be fun, but sometimes brutal is funner. *looks restless* But oh, this isn't fair! Talking about fighting when I'm drunk, and with this no-kill thingie... *downs another shot*
I don't mind either. As long as you don't call me Gogo-chan. Only Prima-chan is allowed to do that here.
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Really, who? Eiko? *curious, then flushes a little* I'm always that bad. Though I normally don't have it slip out in normal conversation, but I ended up spending a lot of time trying to pick out the differences between all the shades of blue eyes in the school since six of the people I hang out with the most -- Seto, Mokuba, Terry, Nightwing, Wolfram and Jason -- have blue eyes. And they're all different shades of blue.
*blinks, curious again, but lets it drop and wrinkles his nose* He only gave it at his Sorting for bribes! Otherwise, I'd be asking him to resupply me and just abuse it all over the place, but I guess he's not quite irresponsible enough to hand out immortality left and right on an unlimited basis.
*takes a shot himself to keep her company* Brutal is good for when you're in a temper and just want to hurt. Pretty and graceful is good for when you want to practice self-control and make people underestimate you by deliberately using showy moves instead of efficient ones.
*nods!* Okay. Gogo works for you, if you're calling me Ryuuji?
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Uhm - Dib-san, I think he said his name was. He looked an awful lot like Nny-chan, so he might have to watch out. *giggles* I don't think I even notice what colour people's eyes are. Not really. Yours are green, but once I leave I'll probably forget that til I see you again.
Oh, that's a shame. I think... I like brutal because... I just like the feel of it. The impact. I'm not very good at self-control, really. *pouts* We're not allowed to kill anyone at all?
Alright then, Ryuuji.
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*blinkblink* ...I think that I remember Dib from ages back! Haven't spoken to him since he apped, though. *laughs* Oh? What do you notice about people, then? I notice their eyes and how they carry themselves and their fashion sense.
Brutal's Jason's style. You might like him too! *half smile, glances around* Well. You can kill applicants if they're dangerous. Like the Dalek that attacked -- I had to kill him. And I even got House points for it!
Alright, Gogo.
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He used to be twelve. Or still is twelve, but looks same age as me. Something like that. His head isn't really big any more, but his hair is still very weird. *blinks* I suppose I notice whatever's most noticeable about them. And how they move, of course. Whether they're armed, or look armed.
Who's Jason-san? I could meet him when we train! And I'll look out for dangerous applicants from now on. Then I could kill them and get House points and that'll help with wanting to be a prefect. Or I might just go to that town Nny-chan took me to on my first day.
*downs another shot, looking thoughtful*
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...How old are you? I'm nineteen! I just turned nineteen in Feburary. It was fun. I rented an amusement park and threw an open-school party there.
Jason's a vigilante! He kills people too, though, even though his family is all no-killie. *pause, laughs drunkenly* Killie. Killie. That's a funny word. And you can only kill dangerous applicants if they attack House Elves or other applicants and there's no other way to stop them, I think. *blinkblink* What town?
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