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The world waivers, and then there is a giant spider standing in the room. It looks around for a bit, then grab the paper and reads it over. The magic quill writes out its responses with some confusion, if a writing implement can be confused.

State your full name.
. . . WEAVER AM WEAVER ONE OF MANY BUT LITTLE ONES CAN'T SAY IT . . .

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
. . . SPIDERS DO NOT EAT CHEESE BUT I AM NO SPIDER I AM A WEAVER I ENJOY CHEESES THE BEST IS BOURSIN PERHAPS . . .

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
. . . DIFFICULT TO EAT THE TOPS OF CARROTS WHY ONLY THE TOP WHERE DID THE REST GO I AM WONDERING . . .

3. What time is it where you are?
. . . I AM NOWHERE AND EVERYWHERE I WEAVE THE WORLD INTO IMPROVED STATES . . .

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
. . . FEMALE SPIDERS EAT THEIR MATES WEAVERS ARE SPIDERLIKE THERE ARE DULL FLUTTERERS THAT FIGHT TO BE FEMALE I DO NOT CARE FOR THEY WHO EAT LITTLE ONES' SOULS . . .

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
. . . WORLDWEB IS WORLDWEAVE I LIKE THE DARKNESS NO PUNS FOR THE LITTLE ONES WHO WROTE THIS QUESTION IT IS CHILDISH THEY ARE SILLY SMALL ONES . . .

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
. . . WHICH WORLD OF THE WEAVE SHALL THE MYTHS COME TO ME FROM WHISPERING THEMSELVES INTO MY HEAD AND FROM MINE TO YOURS AND IF THE MOTHS DON'T GET YOU YOU WILL DIE WITH IT STILL THERE IN YOUR MIND O LITTLE ONE . . .

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
. . . YOU DISPOSE AND DISPOSE BUT YOU NEVER COMPLETE WHEN YOU COMPLETE THEY WON'T SEND IT AGAIN BUT THEN THEY WILL SEND YOU NEW PAPERS IN THE END IT IS HOPELESS THE PAPERS OVERPOWER OUTNUMBER YOU . . .

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
. . . I CAN DO ANYTHING BUT PROBABLY WON'T DO NOT BOTHER ASKING UNLESS THERE ARE SHINY DOUBLE BLADES DUAL KNIVES FOR CUTTING THE PAPER AND CLOTH THEN I WILL GRANT ANY WISH AND IT WILL IMPROVE THE WEAVE KEEP ME HAPPY AND ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN FOR YOU JOY THE GLORY . . .

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
. . . I YET HAVE THE CHESS SETS I ONCE COLLECTED SOME ARE OF MARBLE SOME OF GOLD SOME GLOW IN THE DARK BY BATTERY OR CHEMICAL SOME DEPICT DRAGONS OR DEMONS OR SPIDERS OR TIGERS YOU WILL ENJOY THEM YOUR KIND LIKES GOLD AND SILVER AND INTRICATE DESIGNS I SHALL GIVE YOU YOUR CHOICE AND ALL WILL BE WELL . . .

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG . . .WEAVER . . .
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. . . . WEAVER . . .
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch . . . WEAVER . . .
One day, marmalade will rule the world . . . WEAVER . . ."

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Puf did a one-man foxtrot up to the creature, his white patent leather cowboy boots glinting. "Hi!" He executed a complicated maneuver involving dipping himself, and managed not to wipe out completely, instead coming up with a chipper grin - which is to say his expression remained utterly static. "What're you s'posed to be? I'm a dragon!"

Sure he is.

. . . FLESHLESS ONE GREETED GREETINGS JOY IN THE WEAVER IS SPIDER IS WEAVER . . .

Puf considered the Weaver, his enormous head tilted to one side. "You don't look much like a spider t' me," he said, his mouth flapping a few times after the sentence had ended. In this Puf might be excused, as his only reference for spiders looked like this:

"You look like..." And there Puf's observations seemed to desert him, as in fact the Weaver didn't look like Jimmy. At all. And even Puf couldn't make that leap.

However, the resources of the Mayor were not yet exhausted. Industriously Puf sat and began to remove his boots, stopping now and again to count the Weaver's legs. Under each pair of extraordinarily shiny white cowboy boots appeared yet another pair of boots, until a neat row of eight boots stood in front of the Weaver with an expectant air. Puf nodded his head. "Boots! he hollered, and waited for the rejoicing he was sure would follow.

. . . LARGER FOOT COVERS UNWANTED BY WEAVER WANTS DEVICES TO CUT PAPER . . .

Puf was befuddled by this response. "You don't want boots?" He considered the Weaver thoughtfully. Clearly this was some sort of monster - but what sort? It didn't look like anything Witchiepoo would come up with - it wasn't neon orange, for one thing, which would be a dead giveaway even to someone not of Mayoral intellect. And plus it didn't seem to be made of felt, or fake fur, or naugahyde or anything Livin' creatures were supposed to be made of. But spurning spiffy patent leather cowboy boots? Definitely monstrous. Puf eyed the Weaver suspiciously.

He tried to scratch his head and failed miserably, instead waving his arms around fruitlessly. "Paper cuttin' huh? I c'd get you some scissors, I guess." Puf rummaged inside his enormous maw, which looked more like the red felt inside of a bag than anything else, and produced a pair of metal kindergarten scissors.

"Paper cuttin'..." And no boots, said the silent reprimand. Puf shook his head sadly and cast his vote. "Ravenclaw, I s'pose."

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (which, again, as per the addendum to our application, (http://hogwarts-hocus.livejournal.com/2044011.html) no longer has any inclinations towards destroying planets called "Earth") would like to point out that the behavior of "the Weaver" suggests that she/he/it may have been, as one might say, "puffin' stuff". No other acceptable explanation has been offered, and she/he/it still refuses to share her/his/its stash.

"Aw, Jimmy, you done give me a idea!"

It seems that the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is not the only new arrival in this...place.

"You mention that you 'weave the world into improved states'. Might these 'improved' states also be described as...well...'altered'?"

It would explain quite a lot.

. . . IMPROVE IS FORM OF ALTER I THINK . . .

Yes, but a significant faction of Guide readers are interested in more specific forms of alteration of states, and we are always looking to improve the quality of our information. Does the preferred "Weaver" means of producing "emproved states" involve biochemical alteration of the brain?

. . . POSSIBLE BUT UNLIKELY COULD DO ANYTHING CUT OFF LEFT EAR TURN A TRAIN INTO A GOAT TELEPORT YOU INTO DEEP SPACE DOESN'T MATTER WHATEVER IMPROVES WORLDWEAVE . . .

Universal "improvements" are entirely outside the purview of the Guide, especially after certain incidents involving Guide reporters, an Infinite Improbability Drive, and the elimination of a certain (completely useless) planet from all available timelines following a hostile takeover by the Vogon Constructor Fleet (since reversed). If you should, at some point in the future, decide to take up individual altered states, the Guide may be interested.

Are you quite certain that no exotic chemicals are involved? Your speech patterns suggest otherwise no matter how many translation algorithms we attempt, and the simulated babelfish of all of our simulated editors go on simulated strike whenever they hear from you.

. . . WEAVERS NOT SEE UNIVERSE AKIN TO LITTLE LIVE OF SCISSORED REALM SEES IT AS TAPESTRY VIEWS EVENTS OBJECTS AS TWINE STRING THREAD MANY BEAUTIFUL COLORS SEEKS TO IMPROVE TAPESTRY IN SO DOING CAUSES MANY EVENTS IN YOUR VIEW OR UNIVERSE MUST BEAUTIFY WORLDWEB WORLDWEAVE . . .

*It does something with its hands and the universe seems to shiver. Then a dozen goat eyes fall out of a random spot in space and lie there, looking around.*

. . . NOW DOES IT SEE THE BOOK MACHINE OF FAR AWAY DOES IT UNDERSTAND THE WORDS OF WEAVER THAT IT WHO IS I SPEAK TO YOU WITHOUT LIPS IN THIS FINE REALM HAT HOLDS MANY FASCINATING TYPES OF OBJECT . . .

The simulated editorial board of the Guide is fairly certain at this point that the "Weaver" either is on drugs or is drugs. As neither the simulated editors nor the simulated legal department are currently aware of any legal regulations pertaining to drugs related to arachniform entities and capslock (other than the spider-amphetamine forests of Pollux Five, of course), there is clearly a currently-legal market to be tapped, here.

. . . BAD IDEA BAD IDEA LOOK UP SLAKE MOTHS LOOK UP MIDSUMMER NIGHTMARE . . .

Information unavailable. The Guide will find out more once greater freedom of movement is possible, as there seem to be few ways to research and/or party in this room.

Is "the Weaver" a "slake moth", then?

. . . WEAVER IS WEAVER SLAKE MOTH IS SLAKE MOTH BUT NOT TOO DISSIMILAR TRYING TO GET DRUGS FROM A SLAKE MOTH GOT DOZENS KILLED I HAD TO FIGHT THEM WE MADE A MIND-BOMB TO KILL THE BROTHERSISTERHOOD OF SWOOPING MIND-STEALERS ANY WHO TRIED TO THINK LIKE A WEAVER WOULD ACT LIKE A WEAVER LITTLE NON-WEAVER PEOPLE SCARED BY WHAT WEAVER DOES WOULD CALL NON-WEAVER ACTING LIKE WEAVER A DANGEROUS MADMAN . . .

*It makes an odd motion with its hands, and hundreds of chess sets appear. Another, and goat eyes start falling out of thin air.*

. . . WEAVE BEAUTIFIED . . .

No, a drug leading to acting like a perpetually-shouting arachnoid creature probably wouldn't be a very big seller, would it?

And what, exactly, is this fascination with goat eyes? Judging from the appearance of the eye, a "goat" is clearly some sort of mutated sea-creature...what planet is a "goat" from, anyway, and how many eyes do they have?

. . . NOT A SEA CREATURE LAND CREATURE BAS-LAG TWO EYES FUNNY MAY BE NEXT OBSESSION UNSURE AM CURRENTLY ON SCISSORS GIVE ME SCISSORS YES . . .

Bas-lag? We've never heard of such a planet. Is that where we are?

. . . HIGHLY ALTERNATE VERSION THEREOF SCISSORS ME NOW OR PAIN HAPPENS . . .

We're sorry, but the electronic book format of the Guide does not come equipped with cutting implements.

Is there, by chance, a more locally-appropriate name for this planet than "Bas-lag"?

. . . EARTH POSSIBLY . . .

Earth? This is Earth?

...Oh, bollocks.

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