"If only one would show up here!" the Hat replied wistfully. "All we get are asshaberdashers...which I suppose makes a good deal of sense, given the large population of asshats here at Hogwarts...but still, what I wouldn't give for someone who could properly examine the large burlap lump that developed just inside my mouth tear after my recent sexy encounter with a certain bowler hat!"

One of the Hat's straps made its way inside the rip that formed its mouth and appeared to be feeling around inside. "Oh dear, it feels even bigger today. Ah, well. At least the Viagra will have me feeling a bit perkier soon enough. And in exchange, I shall be happy to add you to the Hogwarts family."