hh_mirror | Application: Quintus Lentulus Batiatus (Spartacus : Blood and Sand)

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Application: Quintus Lentulus Batiatus (Spartacus : Blood and Sand)

((WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS for Spartacus: Blood and Sand, season 1.))

A middle-aged man of unimpressive stature, dressed in the garments of a successful Roman and drenched in blood, appeared on the floor of the Sorting Room. After a moment, he stood up, looking around. There was supposed to be a river. And a ferryman. And a three-headed dog. But, there wasn't. There was only a strange room, without a trace of sand or blood anywhere. Except on his garments, which were drenched in it. His hand sought his neck as he took in his surroundings, lingering there a moment, and he frowned.

It was no surprise that the priests were full of shit. Not that he'd ever spent much time on religion- he was a practical man, of keen and lofty ambitions. Or, he had been, until the gods had seen fit to spread his legs and ram their collective cock up his ass. Such a complex and delicate plan, one that was sure to see his house continue its rise to a proper status. A plan that was going to extend his grasp to Rome, and a seat in the Senate itself. A plan that was admittedly founded on a somewhat shaky pillar, and thus a gamble. But a gamble he'd not expected to lose so dramatically, so thoroughly.

Death was the sort of major event that caused everything proceeding it to be seen a new light. A stark light of plain detail and contrasts, rendering a picture in crisp shades of distant grey. Quintus Lentulus Batiatus, now dead and presuming himself to be in a very unexpected version Hades, could look back and see just how much of a gamble it had been. The Thracian wasn't just a shaky pillar, he was a fucking wild bull, and a wily bastard as well. Something had occurred which he'd not anticipated, somehow, Spartacus had found out the truth regarding his wife- he'd seen it in his eyes for days. But, he'd never thought the Thracian would be fool enough to rise up and stampede the whole damned herd, and while representation from legatus Glaber's troops were present.

But the Thracian hadn't been the only factor. He should have had the former Champion of Capua slain as soon as he became a household issue, but he'd held back to dispose of him to the best advantage. And it was this factor that had been the undoing of his house. Spartacus had never held a place of high respect amongst his brothers- he was too damned wild and independent. The whole herd would not have followed him. But Crixus. . .

Batiatus looked around, a certain expectancy in his gaze. But, his eyes found nothing apart from the empty room- this was not the hell he'd expected, not at all. A barely-whispered word escaped his lips, "Lucretia." She wasn't here. Her absence kindled a fleeting hope- could his house live on? But, it was a very fleeting hope- there wasn't a dead Roman in sight aside from him, and his own life's blood had been but a small amount amongst the flood those wild dogs had spilled. As he looked around, his eyes lit on the paper. The writing was unfamiliar, yet he could read it. Last he recalled, there wasn't a written portion involved in afterlife dispensation, but, perhaps hell was so busy today that they found themselves lacking in personal representation.

State your full name.
"Quintus Lentulus Batiatus."

He cocked a strange look at the quill as it began copying his answers. But, it was difficult to be shocked by animated quills when faced with the self-awareness of death.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"What does fucking cheese have to do with anything?"

After getting so thoroughly fucked by the gods, Batiatus wasn't feeling inclined to good manners.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Was this supposed to be some sort of joke? "Why the fuck should I care? I don't know who either of these people are. They can both die, for all I care, and. . . answer moronic questions." Batiatus wasn't an incredibly patient man, and the questions were already wearing on him. "Where's the fucking ferry and the dog? What sort of cheap, half-assed hell is this supposed to be?" He glowered at the quill as it took down his words.

3. What time is it where you are?

"Do I even need to answer that? I'm dead. Time doesn't matter anymore." But, it was curious just how alive he felt, for being dead. He was in possession of all his normal faculties, and somehow the huge gash in his throat was closed. But, his robes were still covered in the evidence of his demise, and he wasn't at his villa anymore, so it had obviously happened.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

"Jupiter's cock!" Although 'sexually harass' made sense, and the bit about returning from the dead was slightly interesting, the rest of the sentence was complete nonsense. "What is this nonsense? How am I supposed to know of the perverse desires of this 'Albus Dumbledore'?"

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"Since when did mortals get to have a say in their eternal fate? Why should I bother to please the judges when I already know that no matter what I do, the gods will laugh as they shove cock up ass. What does a name matter, once fallen into darkness? 'House of Batiatus' will do." He smirked. His line was ended. It was all over. The House of Batiatus, just another name that would fall into the darkness of the past, to be forgotten.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

This was getting inane. "What the hell do I care who some person named Harry chooses to wed? Whichever one has the higher social standing."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Not enough slaves," Batitatus snapped impatiently. "You'd think the underworld would have no shortage." He was, however, beginning to suspect that death was not very different from life.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

"Why? I'm fucking dead."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

Batiatus pulled a golden aureus from a small pouch. He tossed the coin beside the parchment. He doubted it was worth much- if the afterlife followed tradition, the ferryman would have taken the requisite coin by now.

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"Let us hope that the time until this hat arrives passes swiftly then." He glanced around the room again- it was technically not badly furnished, if by odd foreign standards, but, there appeared to be little to do aside from roaming around a room and speaking to people. At least most of them had been polite, and seemingly attempting to be helpful under the circumstances. "So where do you hail from, which part of the world?"

"Sounds something like Rome- so I suppose it could be worse." Batiatus smirked, but, nevertheless appreciated the warning. He was rather looking forward to meeting some of these women, being one who could appreciate a combination of beauty and danger. Lucretia had possessed both in abundance. "I appreciate the recommendation, my friend."

Batiatus wasn't exactly a city dweller- he was in the city often enough on business, but, his actual villa and ludus were located outside of the city proper, along the edge of a rather formidable cliff. He was somewhat more hardened than the typical city Roman, although in proper Roman fashion, his villa was as civilized as any respectable one within the city. Thus, he couldn't consider 'rooms for absolutions' a sign of wealth- baths were an absolute necessity. But, the barbarians always did marvel over these things, and, Batiatus could respect any siege-proof construction. He could also respect a library containing storehouses of books.

"The prospect of this library is intriguing, and a siege-proof castle respectable by any standards. But I'm not going to be thanking any deity for this unexpected turn in fortune until I've seen more than this fucking room. It's a step better than dead, but I've been told it's Caldeonia." It explained the heavy construction of the building, at least from what he could see, but, Batitus was used to Mediterranean weather. Being stuck in Scotland was a somewhat dreary prospect, even with a good library.

So there were indeed women to be found here- this was good to have confirmed with his own eyes. The red-headed woman was certainly not unattractive, although oddly dressed- Batiatus observed her briefly before examining the hideous, deformed midget she was lecturing. Batiatus had yet to meet a house-elf, and so thought it the creature was some human specimen that probably should have been dealt with at birth, but had instead been kept alive as a slave for someone's amusement. He had no idea why the deformed midget was trying to draw her attention to the stupid list of question he'd had to answer.

When Donna came over, he was somewhat taken aback by her brusque manner, but not offended. He could appreciate a direct approach. He shook his head, noting the golden locket- it seemed a small bauble, not necessarily a sign of any significant wealth. "No, Capua, which is not far distant. I am, or was, dominus of a ludus near the city."

"I am from a place called Japan, Tokyo the city, which used to be called Edo," he replied, which might not mean anything to the man he was speaking to and it was where he was most recently from. Originally, though, would be a slightly different answer, one he didn't want to think about right now.

((So, I just realized something amusing while double-checking dates. Apparently Batiatus was played by Ian McNeice in the 2004 USA miniseries. And now, I am loling. Making some assumptions on historical dates, if this is objectionable let me know and I'll change it.))

The name was vaguely familiar--something that reminded him of the late Senator Pompey, in a roundabout way. But Pullo was no historian, and had never bothered cracking a history book in curiosity in all the time he'd been at Hogwarts, and so shrugged it off.

"A lanista?" Interesting. "Had a few run-ins with your type before. Been sentenced to die in the arena twice, me. Never made it the first time, killed the cunts who insulted the Thirteenth the second time." With a little help from Vorenus, of course, and if Vorenus were here Pullo would give him credit. "Former legionary Titus Pullo, of the Thirteenth Gemina under Caesar. I'd say current captain of the Aventine collegium, but I'm currently here, so I suppose that should be 'former,' too."

More money than someone knew what to do with made a little more sense than the impossible idea of 'too much' money. But, the rest of Skwisgaar's business talk made Batiatus question his general intelligence, or possibly even his sanity- had anyone else bluntly asked him if he raped kids, Batiatus would have been rather offended, but, Skwisgaar didn't seem all together, considering they apparently still kept a manager who made them think he was dead. Which, in Batiatus' opinion, was not a good business manager at all. On the whole, kiddie-raping managers were possibly better than ones who pretended to be dead for months- business responsibility first, and all. "Why the hell would I rape a kid? It sounds as if you have had bad experiences with your managers, so you should probably be grateful you've any fucking money at all. Managers who pretend to be dead, or managers who can't fucking play socially-acceptable in the name of elevating fortune aren't good managers."

"Ah, but honour and glory are worth striving for. Fun's never bought a damn thing, but, honour and glory lead to wealth, to power, to pleasure. Sometimes, honor and glory even lead to freedom." To Batiatus, the idea of 'fun' sounded a lot like 'fucking off', and, the sort of attitude that would lead his gladitors to killing each other at home, instead of in the arena. Which wasn't financially advisable. "You see, a gladiator is not just a warrior- their duty is also to entertain the crowd, to win their admiration. A true gladiator strives to be the embodiment of death, which takes skill and focus." He smirked slightly, adding, "And I likewise do not have to get dirty to kill people." A ludus full of gladiators was much like having a house full of assassins to use at will- Batiatus had on more than one occasion taken a gladiator on an errand under the cover of darkness.

"Even where slaves are scant, one will always find auctorati- volunteers. Free men, who choose to take up the life of a gladiator, and swear to abide by the same oaths as any other gladiator for a pre-determined amount of time." The auctorati were often rather talented too, as, it took a certain sort of free man to choose to place himself in this position- often, it was due to an unpleasant personal situation like debt, but, men who didn't think they'd survive it didn't tend to freely offer themselves up to the arena.

Just when Batiatus thought that the conversation was possibly getting a little less weird, the triton began speaking about his. . .dragon son. And it sounded like a literal dragon. And something about 'eyesball throws-up' children who ate anything, drooled acid, and couldn't be hurt. Before arriving at Hogwarts, Batiatus never did train animals, nor did he train bestiarii- the games against animals were considered to be of a lower status than those with only human participants. These usually opened a round of arena games- it was the primus matches that Batiatus was most interested in, as these tended to be the showcase matches with most political power to be gained via the crowd's love. Of course, a dragon, if real, would be a pretty damn impressive sight in the arena, the sort of event that was sure to bring out a crowd, and probably to win their love as well- provided the dragon was placed against worthy opponents, that had a legitimate chance of taking it down. The crowd preferred a fair fight. "I have only trained humans professionally- the training of beasts for the arena is considered a lesser calling. But, never to my knowledge has a dragon been trained for the arena- I would be interested to meet him. And these children of yours too- although, if they cannot be hurt, they may not be well suited to the arena- although I am sure they are admirable children." It was a sign of Batiatus' inherent political talents that he managed to sound entirely polite and honest about his 'admirable children' remark. ~~And, the mun thinks it would indeed be a bit easier for Bati to meet the Shoggies at a later point, as not to turn already long tags into an even more epic size due to sockery.~~

"Well, that's true." Holy Roman Empire was more comfortable wielding a sword than a wand. But he liked having Batiatus' approval, so he felt compelled to defend magic as weaponry. "But spells are really versatile--you can make a lot of different attacks without needing specific weapons, or you can disarm someone without having to get in their range--and they might give you a distinct advantage over your opponent. And in war, having the advantage is everything. So I want to be skilled with both."

Dominus? Ludus? She shook her head, "Sorry, my Latin's a little rusty and the bloody translation charm seems to keep shorting out. Not that I'm surprised, this is a sodding loony bin."

The house elf shot her a dirty look before vanishing with a pop. "Hmf. And not that they're any help at all."

((I -must- see the 2004 miniseries after having learned this, which I also discovered while double-checking dates. XD))

Sentenced to die in the arena twice before? Impressive, considering he wasn't dead, and it sounded as if he'd slipped out if it entirely the first time. Very impressive indeed, especially when combined with the positions. Although, he wasn't entirely sure of whom he was speaking of, Caesar not having ascended to his position of power yet, ~~at least according to the mun's research. Gah, dates!~~

"Impressive, my friend- I never did have the privilege of serving in the military. I inherited the ludus from my father and carried on the tradition. I believe we may hail from slightly differing periods? You may hail from my future." Batiatus went on to explain who were the highest-ranked consuls of his time, which would hopefully indicate his own time period, which was only a few decades past. ~~And yes, the mun was extremely lazy there!~~ "If so. . . tell me- did you ever hear of a slave called Spartacus?" Batiatus had a pretty bad feeling about what was inevitably going to happen- or what had already happened, and long ago, he supposed- after the revolt of his gladiators. It wasn't quite like a house full of average slaves being unleashed. These slaves had slaughtered a bunch of Roman guards in their revolt already, and, he had a feeling that they weren't likely to stop anytime soon.

Although the whole idea of Hogwarts magic still sounded alien to Batiatus, it was clear that Holy Roman Empire had been at Hogwarts longer than him, and, he at least sounded like he knew what he was talking about. Which was quite impressive for a boy of his age- he evidently had a good head on his shoulders, which contained a sense of strategy. He smiled approvingly, telling Holy Roman Empire, "A smart choice, to be skilled with both. It's always better to embrace every possible advantage. Do they often have magical wars, here?" The idea of a magical war was a strange but colorful one, and, admittedly, Holy Roman Empire's tactical musings on magic was rousing his interest about the subject. If he was to be stuck at a magic school, it was indeed wise to understand what he was likely to be dealing with.

Unfortunately, Shito's description did not mean much to Batiatus- in his era, ~~at least according to the mun's questionable interweb research~~, he wouldn't have ever heard of what was either a tiny fishing village in the distant East, if it even existed yet. What he could tell from Shito's appearance, however, was that he most likely hailed from somewhere in the East- the gladiatorial trade tended to expose Batiatus to wide variety of ethnic groups, and he was educated, so knew his geography. "Is Tokyo a city in the distant East? Or, what would be considered the distant east, in relation to Rome?"

"Translation charm? Is that why I can understand the speech of those here, despite being from a place- and perhaps time- far distant?" Interesting, that. "A ludus is a school, I trained and traded gladiators, before finding myself here. I am head of both my familia and my ludus. . .or was. I suppose it doesn't fucking exist anymore." He glanced briefly at the house-elf, blinking in disbelief as it vanished. "What the fuck was that? Some sort of midget slave?"

As the Xu Fu (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xu_Fu) seem to have a long history and as rapid development (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yayoi_period) is tied to the Xu Fu and Shito has been in school for some time, he can give a reasonable estimate. "East of China, of Mongolia," he supplied. "Across the sea from China."

~~Your research is correct!~~

Pullo frowned, thinking. That was a familiar name, something of a boogeyman, though not as much as Hannibal had been. And there was a connection to Pompey--the dead Senator had stopped that revolt all those years ago. He had not heard much about the dead gladiators until he joined the military--despite the treatment of slaves becoming somewhat less harsh as a result, it wasn't a name slaveowners liked their property to hear.

"Oh? You're from that ludus in Capua?" Pullo chuckled. "Gerrae. I wasn't even born then. No, that's all over with. We're fighting the Gauls now." He stopped, corrected himself. "Then. Lots of wars going on now, but I'm not involved in any of them. More's the pity, I miss a good fight."

Holy Roman Empire smiled, glad that Batiatus agreed.

"Ah, actually, I think this place is supposed to rather peaceful, despite all of the strangeness. But you see, there's this person who's appeared here, and he's terrible. He's even worse than France." He still hadn't bothered to learn Apos' name, and figured this description was apt enough to make up for it. "And someone has to stop him from doing as he pleases--hurting people and conquering. So I'm going to fight a war against him myself, and protect this school as if it were my own home." Holy Roman Empire was optimistic that this would go a lot better than the Thirty Years' War. He was also oblivious to the fact that he was actually late to the party, as a few other students had already thought of this plan and were having greater success with the "protecting" part than Holy Roman Empire.

"It is, after a fashion. As long as you consider the Emperor a somewhat deranged hat. Good luck to you. It's time I head back to Ravenclaw and find myself a good drink."

"They're called house elves.. if you find you need anything, you're supposed to call for one and they get it for you. Food, drink, but I wouldn't ask them for proper directions," she said, glaring at where the house-elf had just vanished.

"The translation charm is supposed to keep us all talking to each other, whether we're from different countries or different worlds. It's a bit fantastic."

"I'm sorry about your family," she said genuinely. "You might be able to find some distant relatives. Or I've heard that there are a few different Romans wandering about," she offered. Being separated from family was never easy. She missed Gramps, but knew that he'd understand. She was on the adventure of a lifetime with the Doctor.

If she could ever find him again.

If Batiatus were aware of France's entire history, he probably would have found Holy Roman Empire's description rather hilarious, given France's war record, ~~which, to the best of the mun's knowledge, includes a single victory, and this against themselves.~~ As it was, the translation spell rendered France to its ancient regional name, which still didn't sound terribly threatening- and indeed, the region would be officially conquered by Caesar not long after Batiatus' time. "A worse threat than the Gallic regions? He can't be too much trouble then." Batiatus told Holy Roman Empire. "Still, you should take care, and bring some allies if you can recruit them," he told him, in the tone of an adult gladly indulging the games of a child. He still presumed that much of what the boy said was part of a childish make-believe game with some other children- had he known what Apos actually was, he'd have certainly advised Holy Roman Empire to stay far away while the adults handled the situation.

'That ludus' instantly confirmed Batiatus' worst suspicions- the trouble started by his gladiators had indeed spread, and quite possibly to a degree that made being dead the far easier alternative. "So then, death was possibly the better alternative- I doubt Rome would have been forgiving of such a mess." he smirked. He hoped that Spartacus and Crixus- especially Crixus- would suffer every torment of hell before they were finally put down. They deserved it. "There are those here who've said that the Roman Empire no longer exists, that this is some distant future- in which case, we'd have little to fight for. But, there's always entertainment- I suppose if I'm stuck at this fucking school for long enough, I may as well attempt to bring it some games. Without any Spartacus-types." The last thing he'd need was a repeat occurrence- of course, he'd soon learn that he'd indeed be stuck with auctorati , unless he felt like training house-elves.

China was indeed known in Batiatus' time, due to trade, and so it translated as its equivalent in his own tongue. He nodded his understanding. "It is little wonder that I'm unfamiliar with Tokyo, when it is so distant from Rome, even further than Caledonia. Fucking Caledonia! It's about the last place I ever expected to find myself. I suppose it's even worse for you, my friend."

"Perhaps we'll meet again there soon." He gave Methos an appreciative smile. "What shall I call you when I do? I am Quintus Lentulus Batiatus." Methos had seemed a quite decent individual, and he rather hoped that they would meet again. He seemed as if he'd be a pleasant drinking companion.

"House-elves? Do they all look like that?" Perhaps they were bred curiosity slaves- a notion which did not bode very well regarding the master of the house. "They barely look human- they are bred that way?"

Being consoled about his family by a pretty red-haired woman caused Batiatus' heart to clench momentarily- Lucretia had been fond of her red wigs, which suited her so very well. "I retain hope that as I have found myself here, that my wife will find herself here as well." The experience of death had managed to dull much of the pain, being as it was something of an undeniable separating factor from his life, and, whatever this was. It certainly felt just like life, only the circumstances were extremely different. "I have had the good fortune to meet another Roman since my arrival, and, with luck I'll meet a few more. And whose acquaintance do I have the luck of making now? I am Quintus Lentulus Batiatus- formerly of Capua, it appears."

Well, Holy Roman Empire had meant more the constantly stirring up trouble and the incorrigible lechery rather than France's actual military prowess, but it was also a testament to the poor state of his house and the fact that the Empire had basically been in slow decline since about the 12th century.

"I don't think you should underestimate how much trouble he could be." Partly because that would imply that Holy Roman Empire was weak, losing a skirmish to someone who wasn't much trouble at all. Which was to some degree true, but he liked to think otherwise and that he could take care of himself and others perfectly well. "I do have someone I can rely on, but if I can take care of it myself, I'd rather not get Austria involved."

A shapeshifting vampire would still be a fairly unique comrade to claim even in a place like Hogwarts, since none of the other vampires who'd passed through or who currently lived there possessed the same abilities, save Alucard—who was technically a dhampir; all the power of a proper vampire without any of the weaknesses, and of course no sparkling either. And Batiatus was pretty much guaranteed to meet him sooner or later if he decided to foster his friendship with Joachim, as Alucard had a tendency to keep a close watch over Joachim to ensure he wasn't 'misbehaving' too badly. There would undoubtedly be some disapproval over Joachim's ideas about helping set up a gladiatorial arena.

Normally he might have minded a relative stranger initiating physical contact with him, but when he took the form of a creature, he also took on their instincts and, in part, some of their thinking as well. Wargs were certainly not dogs, but he enjoyed and even leant into the pat on the neck anyway, since it did feel good, and didn't appear to be intended as a demeaning gesture. Just a friendly one. His mentality was sometimes very childish to begin with; he was the sort of person who could easily get along with Toki while neatly circumventing Skwisgaar's jealousy issues, since sexuality was mostly still a foreign concept to him—something that applied to other people, but not himself. The only thing that would be funner than crafts and video games would be playing with decapitated heads, for him, a hobby which he'd picked up while imprisoned in the huge ~~sewer~~ waterway of an evil enchanted castle for several centuries.

Hey, times had been tough. He had to find his amusement where he could.

"Lentulus Batiatus... Your name is known to me. As is that of the infamous Spartacus," he said without elaborating. Quintus was a discrepancy, but judging by the man's thoughts, he was the genuine article regardless of his name. There were beings from all different worlds and alternate realities at Hogwarts, so it was completely plausible that Batiatus hailed from just such a place. Perhaps he'd explain it all to Batiatus later, once he'd come to terms with just being in the future.

"Compared to what and where you've come from, I believe it's safe to assume that you may look forward to a pleasant time here. You're unlikely to encounter any Spartacus types to foil your plans," he said, his tone clearly implying that he would help to make it so. "Now that we've reached an accord, I suppose I should cast my vote, for all the good it does." He paused for a moment to organise his thoughts and put the Houses into terms Batiatus might best understand. "Traditionally, Gryffindor is for the brave warriors, Slytherin for the ambitious politicians, Ravenclaw for the cunning tacticians, and Hufflepuff for the loyal and hard-working. In reality, the Houses generally fall as follows: Gryffindor for the whinging heroes with deep psychological problems, Slytherin for the incompetent egomaniacs with god complexes, Ravenclaw for the drunkards and doctors, Hufflepuff for those the rest of the school doesn't wish to deal with. There are also four other Houses, but those don't bear mentioning." He wrinkled his nose. "Excluding some of the actual gods here, as well as those dragons I spoke of, Hufflepuff is the House which lays claim to the more interesting and dangerous residents... It is my own, of course." Having picked up the mer-creature's thoughts ~~with mun permission, since it has plot relevancy~~, he subtly nodded toward where Skwisgaar was. "And he's one of the Hufflepuff Prefects—Prefects are like the leaders of their House," he explained. "Have you a preference?"

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Application: Quintus Lentulus Batiatus (Spartacus : Blood and Sand)

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Re: Vote : Ravenclaw

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