http://not-tomjones.livejournal.com/ ([identity profile] not-tomjones.livejournal.com) wrote in [community profile] hh_mirror2007-12-04 05:41 pm

Application for Roddy St. James: Flushed Away

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

With a very wet SPLAT!, three slugs and a rat fell onto the table in the sorting room. The slugs were, as slugs generally are, naked and slimy. The rat, however, was looking rather posh in a tux. Groaning, he pushed himself up off the table, only to be confronted with a quill as large as he was, quivering quite menacingly by his nose.

"Well? What do you want?" he asked the quill. Without warning, it swept towards him and almost knocked him over, the continued on without even a nod of apology. "Hey! I say, you there!" Roddy put up his dukes. "Try that again, why don't you?"

The quill did as asked. Roddy shrieked and dove out of the way, only to find himself pinned between the quill and an ink pot. "Please don't kill me," he groveled, and if by magic the quill moved away. It was then that he noticed the words the quill had left behind, and the words on the piece of paper he'd been standing on. He looked at the slugs. "This looks like an application," he said. The quill came back at him, but now he was getting the hang of this.

"I am a yellow-bellied piece of worthless feather!" he said to the quill, and sure enough it wrote it down. "Ha! See that? I'm the master here!" he boasted to the slugs.

They just looked at each other and rolled their eye stalks.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Now this was a question that required some serious consideration. "I would treasure a Cheddar," Roddy mused. "And truly, I find that I miss Swiss. A mouthful of Muenster would be most magnificent, but in the end-" He paused dramatically. "-I find myself hankering for Havarti."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Well, clearly, this Carrottop fellow seems to be guilty of nothing more than enjoying his vegetables too much. Now, Barney, there's a name that can't be trusted. Can you look into Barney's beady eyes and know that you'll be safe?" He had no idea who Barney was. "I think not."

3. What time is it where you are?
Roddy looked at the slugs. Not having arms, and therefore, no watches, they looked right back at him. One of them shrugged. "I haven't a clue," he muttered, and went on to the next question.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"I say!" After all this talk of cheese, this was hardly a question he was expecting. "Rats of my breeding do not sexually harass," he said. "What kind of low-down dirty slug do you think I am?"

One of the slugs "harrumphed!" behind him.

"Oh right, sorry."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Bartending in the dark! I was born for that! The St. James line is well known for their talents behind the bar," he said to the quill. "I would name it 'On Ice.' It's time to put you On Ice! Do you get it?" He elbowed the quill. "Quite clever, don't you think?"

The quill kept on ignoring him.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
The St. James' were also known for being keen scholars. Really. "I think he should marry George, because Fred rhymes with dead, and every world mythology will tell you that's bad luck right there." He nodded in a very serious fashion. "So there you have it."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Have you tried eating it?" Roddy asked with a cunning look. "One they see you stuffing it down your throat, they won't even bother putting it on your desk." For a rat, this made perfect sense.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
"Useless! Me?" He curled his biceps. "Look at this! Pure steel, right here!"

Limp spaghetti noodles had more oomph than his guns.

"Well, I can sing," he admitted. "I can do a good Tom Jones! She's a lady, Oooh oooh yeah! She's a lady!"

"Lady! Lady!" sang the slugs in the background.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"Take my slugs. Please."


"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _R _St._J_________
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. __R_St._J_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _Are they huge knickers?_R_St._J_______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _R_St._J__________"

[identity profile] girl-george.livejournal.com 2007-12-05 02:01 am (UTC)(link)
George walked into the sorting room and knelt by the table, resting her elbows on the surface and careful to avoid any recent settlers. "Are you alright? You look like you had a nasty fall."

[identity profile] girl-george.livejournal.com 2007-12-05 02:07 am (UTC)(link)
"That's a very positive way at looking at it," George said approvingly. "Though when you're ready to get off the table, maybe you can just let me know? Anyways, I'm George." She shyly held out a pinkie to be shook.

"'Rhymes' with 'Gorge,' which probably means a happily full marriage. Though on the other hand, 'Fred' does rhyme with 'Wed'."

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Hufflepuff

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[identity profile] ibrokeaplanet.livejournal.com 2007-12-05 02:34 am (UTC)(link)
"Hey there." Brenda waved. "You're not the kind of cute fuzzy critter that's gonna go all medieval with the blood sacrifice stuff, are you?"

[identity profile] ibrokeaplanet.livejournal.com 2007-12-05 02:46 am (UTC)(link)
"Well, I'm hoping not the kind of ratlike fuzzies that tried to eat me once. Just sayin'." She held out a hand. "I'm Brenda. Welcome to Hogwarts."

[identity profile] tomowildcat.livejournal.com 2007-12-06 06:29 am (UTC)(link)
((Placeholder, I'll be MIA til maybe 8 pm Thursday.))

It was the singing that attracted Tomo's attention, and it took her a few minutes to realize it was coming from - a rat. In a tuxedo. With a couple of slugs on backup.

She knelt down to get the tabletop at eye level (not that it was hard), and peered at Roddy curiously. "So why would ya want somebody to take your backup singers away? Not like they're stealing the spotlight or anything, are they?" Tomo gave the slugs a Look that plainly said 'you better not, I've got my eye on you.'

[identity profile] tomowildcat.livejournal.com 2007-12-08 05:31 am (UTC)(link)
"Yeah, but hey - they'll always make you look good in comparison!" Tomo pointed out.

"What kinda ride? Did they stow away or something?"

((Passing out now, but Tomo-muse was actually compliant there for a second.))

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[identity profile] woocha.livejournal.com 2007-12-06 08:42 pm (UTC)(link)
But your slugs seem so interesting. Wishbone said, nudging one with his nose.

[identity profile] woocha.livejournal.com 2007-12-08 05:11 am (UTC)(link)
I think I see your point. My humans don't like it when I track mud into the house either.

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[identity profile] tallyhopippip.livejournal.com 2007-12-06 08:47 pm (UTC)(link)
"I say, now you're an interesting rat. Tiny tux and everything! If Baldrick comes here I'll have to make sure he doesn't sautƩ you."

[identity profile] tallyhopippip.livejournal.com 2007-12-08 05:14 am (UTC)(link)
"Oh, I'm sure he knows that a talking rat is not meant to be food." Overestimating Baldrick's thinking capabilities, sure, but George isn't one to use his brain either. "I'm George."

[identity profile] pullo-xiii.livejournal.com 2007-12-15 01:09 am (UTC)(link)
Wonders never cease. First Pullo met some demons, then a talking dog, and now a talking rat wearing tiny little rat clothes and accompanied by singing slugs. "Gerrae, a singing rat? Can't say I've ever met one before now."

[identity profile] pullo-xiii.livejournal.com 2007-12-21 02:22 am (UTC)(link)
"You sure are an eloquent little fellow," Pullo marveled. "Never met a dancing rat before, neither."

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[identity profile] mischief-fred.livejournal.com 2007-12-22 06:00 am (UTC)(link)
"Nice observation! 'Fred' does indeed rhyme with 'dead'!" said Fred Weasley jauntily as he leant over the table to look at Roddy. "Wanna know what 'Roddy' rhymes with?"

[identity profile] mischief-fred.livejournal.com 2007-12-23 05:35 pm (UTC)(link)
"'Potty'!" Fred declared, clearly pleased with himself.

[identity profile] ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com 2007-12-22 06:01 am (UTC)(link)
The Hat did its best to settle down on Roddy's head without entrapping his entire body.

"Now what in Merlin's name would a Hat want with slugs?" it demanded.

[identity profile] ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com 2007-12-23 05:37 pm (UTC)(link)
"Hmmm, is that so? Well, I'm not just 'some people', you know." All the same, the Hat sounded at least vaguely interested. "And how would your slugs feel about being eaten?"

[identity profile] ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com 2008-01-08 10:45 pm (UTC)(link)
I think you and the slugs would be most comfortable in the dungeons. And while you're there, just remember: There's nothing you can do that a Hat can't!

Well, except eat one's own hat. Because that's cannibalism for a hat!

Your bribe has been accepted.

Welcome to Slytherin!