Application: Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

[thebloodypoet.livejournal.com]

((OOC: I've contacted the BtVS muns that were listed as active; but I'm terribly sorry if I forgot someone! Additionally, for reference, I'm taking Spike just after he leaves Sunnydale in Season 2. Hooray for rifts in time!))

A Chaos Demon. He'd been dumped for a bloody Chaos Demon.

There were some things that just weren't right in the world, and having your lover/sire/sort-of-sister of over a century dump you for something that looked like a snotty tissue packed with lard was just... not right. But Spike had a plan to change this. Right now, this plan involved a lot of drinking and smashing things, and a place to lay low to do it in.

Oh, who was he kidding? Laying low was hardly his style - proven by the rather loud bang he made when he kicked the door to the castle open. Spike had heard about this place, with its many witches (and its few vampires), not to mention all the other interesting little bits. Like a variety buffet, so to speak.

"DRUSILLA!" Spike roared, stalking into the middle of the room. "Dru, if you're here, I'm going to tear you into messes! DRU." Oh, there was no point in shouting, she wouldn't be here. But at least this place sounded interesting enough to stay for a while while he regrouped. And it had felt bloody good to just yell at her, even if she wouldn't hear it.

This was just insulting. Snatching up one of the application papers, Spike peered at it in confusion.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Lips silently moving, repeating the question to himself, the vampire rumbled a growl low in his throat. "Now, riddle me this, people," he called, his North London accent growing sharper in displeasure. "How exactly do you figure that I'm going to be able to read this? They didn't teach us everything in the 1880's, you know."

He read the question again, expression tight in irritation. It had been a while since he'd actually needed to read, but eventually the scribbles took on a familiar shape. Mostly, Spike had just willfully forgotten how to read and write, due to some incidents during his years of being alive that he would never mention.

"That cheese dust from Doritos. There's this neat trick I learned involving bleeding a person dry, and putting the dust on the bit you're sucking blood from. Froths up like a milkshake."

Hey, there was a feather taking down his answers. Better than writing, that was.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Ah, this was a much better question. Spike looked around for the people in question, and appeared rather disappointed when they weren't actually there.

"How am I supposed to know if I can't have a go at it? What a cocktease," he grumbled. "I'd only answer that based on experience. I could do with a good spot of violence to clear the sinuses. Whoever was the weakest would die first."

3. What time is it where you are?

...That was a bloody stupid question, seeing as he was here, and they should know. Idiots.

"Just after sunrise, when all the nasty creatures come out to play," Spike snorted.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Spike wasn't the kind of vampire to sexually harass a person unless there was something in it for him other than sex. (But then again, Spike only sexually harassed for blood, and that was only a small percent of the time. The rest of the time he did it for love - which vampires could do, and Spike did it often, and foolishly.)

"Depends if any of them are actually worth it," he smirked. "For all I know, the lot of them are just old men or woman who haven't even thought about sex for twenty years. Not very appealing, really."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

As he read the question - trying for some time to figure out what 'Slytherin' was - Spike patted at the pockets of his leather duster. As soon as he found a rather battered packet of cigarettes, he lit one and took a deep drag. That was much better.

"I'd name it The Railway." Clearly a personal joke; Spike wasn't going to bother explaining it.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

"Bloody hell, these questions are just getting stranger." The vampire scowled in irritation. All he wanted was a good old fight, or some meals running around, and he was confronted with this. Bastards.

But there was only one answer to that. "Simple. They don't get married like wankers, they let me bleed them dry and turn them. You see, vampires don't give a flying toss about monogamy, or gender, so they could all live happily ever after. And I'd get a good meal out of it."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

No one could ever accuse Spike of being smart in a text-book way. He had street-smarts, yes - cunning, ruthless single-mindedness, and a fairly good general knowledge about odd things such as the occasional demon language. But he was hardly paperwork material.

As it was, Spike was more concerned with blowing smoke rings. "Just take a lighter to the lot, that'll solve your problem right quick."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

"Oh, don't make me laugh," Spike scowled. He'd almost be offended, except that it was clear that a complete idiot wrote these questions.

Lifting his hand to check that his black nail polish wasn't too chipped - though it was, quite a lot - the vampire pursed his lips in annoyance. "If it wasn't for me, that nancy-boy Billy Idol wouldn't have been the same. He stole his look from me, I tell you, and then he runs off and gets all popular for singing about absolute bloody rubbish. Wanker."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.

Typically, such a question would be met with The only bribe you're getting is my teeth in your neck, but Spike had a feeling he had to play this one diplomatically. But he wasn't that great at being diplomatic.

"You're not getting my fags, or my lighter." Or the nail polish - Spike was keeping that. And he sure as hell wasn't going to give them his wallet. Or any of his clothes. What else was there? "I suppose I could wallop someone if asked."

There, a bribe, and it would make him feel better if anybody asked him for it!

I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ______S______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _____S______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____S______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______S_______

Comments

[mmm-brainz.livejournal.com]

Why did everybody smoke in this school?

Sylar vaguely waved a hand in front of his face, other tendrils of invisible fingers goading away the cloud of smoke as he advanced toward Spike, something between confusion and interest narrowing his eyes. There was... something about him. Different. Not in the typical, special abilities kind of way that he'd seen so far. Something almost... worldly about him? Old. And yet this guy didn't look like he had even scratched thirty.

"Nasty creatures?" he repeated with a cocked eyebrow, glancing Spike over, as if he was trying to get an answer out of him just by looking at him.

[thebloodypoet.livejournal.com]

...And the first human that approached him didn't even seem to know what vampires were. Great. Just bloody wonderful. Spike was almost disappointed; if it didn't mean that maybe more people didn't know, and he could take advantage of this.

What a wanker, waving away his cigarette smoke. Spike blew some more in his direction, just for his own amusement.

"You know the kind, the ones that go bump in the night," Spike smirked. "Fairytales back in the good old Grimm days, and all that, back when they were actually real and not some sodding morality tale about not trusting strangers."

[totallyluminous.livejournal.com]

'Wow, demons paired with children's entertainment,' the angel says coldly, arms folded. 'I never knew they leaned that way, too.'

He's not only got the balls to be evil AND sexy AND a vampire, he also has her accent. Mel's eyes are narrowed, because if there's one thing she can't stand, it's evil connecting to her in any way.

'And can you seriously say Billy Idol was a good thing?'

[thebloodypoet.livejournal.com]

Spike cocked his head to the side, a smirk curling at his lips as he studied the woman in front of him. Ooh, now this one was just... interesting. Not that he had any clue what she was, but it was a little like the feeling a vampire got when he was in danger of stepping into the sun. A 'Do Not Touch, or You'll Burn' kind of feeling.

Pity. He really was hungry.

"Didn't say he a good thing, love, just that he was annoyingly popular," Spike corrected with a disdainful sniff. Bloody Billy Idol. At least Spike could take comfort in the fact that old Billy was getting older and uglier.

[ra-tilt-chimera.livejournal.com]

Zel probably had nothing to fear from a vampire; stone skin has this tendency to break teeth. Not that he knew what a vampire was, so he decided that that'd be his first question.

"Vampires? What's a vampire?" Bleed them dry? "Some sort of undead, I'm guessing. Because I don't see how you could be anything else with no blood."

Undead weren't exactly his area of expertise - he was about as good at white magic as snakes were at flying.

[thebloodypoet.livejournal.com]

Pursing his lips in distaste, Spike released a slow breath. This was absolutely infuriating. Was nobody here human?

"What good is this place if I can't bloody bleed any of you? Are you all complete freaks?" He growled, completely ignoring the question. If the little stone-skinned sod didn't know what a vampire was, he probably didn't need to know anyway. No vampire worth their salt was going to be stupid enough to break their fangs on that.

[angelicbadboy.livejournal.com]

Oh, what fun. Brice didn't appear in the Sorting Room too often, but in this case... Heh. He hadn't had someone to be properly sarcastic with for ages. He eyed Spike with amusement from where he was leaning against the wall, and was secretly thankful that Lola was taking care of his dog today. If this vampire guy was hungry, he might have decided that Twoey looked a treat, and then Brice would have had to punch him in the face, and there'd be this whole big deal... All in all, the puppy not being there was a good thing.

"Never cared for Billy Idol much," the angel commented lazily. He'd been popular for a brief spell about... what? 300 years ago? Something like that. According to Brice anyway.

He arched an eyebrow. "Offering to wallop someone as a bribe, though? Come on. Not even I did that."

[thebloodypoet.livejournal.com]

This one felt the same as that bleeding-heart woman that called herself an angel. Spike was getting more annoyed by the minute.

"Are you all such unhelpful twats?" Spike threw his cigarette - which he'd only taken a few puffs of - to the floor in disgust. And this one was talking about Billy Idol as well? Spike was going to be very, very angry if he'd walked into a castle full of Billy Idol obsessed non-humans, even if they claimed not to like him.

And this little pain in his ass was daring to be all casual about it, too. "I only offered to throw around my fists because, to be honest, it helps clear my head," Spike grumbled. "I don't give a flying toss if you didn't offer to do it. Am I supposed to care?"

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

You knew Billy Idol? Really?

[thebloodypoet.livejournal.com]

Great, more questions about Billy bloody Idol. Spike grunted in annoyance. "Yeah. Bugger still owes me money, he does."

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

Another vampire? He already has a blood sample from that nice Lestat fellow, (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1371776.html?thread=69690496#t69690496) but more was always better. Valentine believes firmly that a life not lived in excess is a wonderful excuse for someone more deserving to kill said individual and add to their own wealth, and this counts double with anything drug-related.

So he smiles pleasantly at the new vampire. "Not all monsters let the sun dictate their habits. I've found that those are the best kind." He reaches into a pocket and pulls out something wrapped in paper, vaguely resembling home-rolled cigarette. "If you'd prefer something more exciting than mere nicotine, I'd be happy to share--provided that you do me a small favor in return, of course."

[thebloodypoet.livejournal.com]

Glancing lazily at the object Valentine was offering, Spike raised an eyebrow. Certainly wasn't anything as common as weed, whatever that was. But Spike had never found much entertainment in drugs, especially when a good solid kill was all the 'high' he needed.

"That depends what the 'small favor' is, mate," he commented. He wasn't going to be immediately rude to another vampire, not when it clear that this one wasn't one of the more brain-dead idiots. Spike had some manners, after all.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Vampires. Lily'd had dealings with them before, during the war. Not many and not often, but enough. Her wand was out, twirling gently through her fingers, and she didn't extend her hand in welcome. She wasn't afraid - not in the least - or even all that wary. She just had a healthy respect for sharp teeth and an appetite for blood.

After all, she'd slept with a vampire once. Granted, he fed on actual life force and not blood, but whatever.

Grinning at Spike, she arched one eyebrow in amusement. "Have to say," she said, leaning against the wall and studying the man, "calling me 'old' isn't the best way to get a vote off of me. Besides." Here the grin turned more wicked and she winked at Spike. "I think about sex way more often than that."

[thebloodypoet.livejournal.com]

Oh, now that was just too much information. Spike curled his lip in disgust, taking a deep drag off his nearly ever-present cigarette to try and wipe the images away.

"I'm sorry, but thinking about you humans having sex with each other is like watching slugs trade snot," the vampire scowled. "Sure, it's evolutionary imperative and all that, but the only good side I can think of is that you could pop out some shrieking spawn and give me more people to snack on."

[daxtastic.livejournal.com]

"Gender is a strange concept, indeed." Dax hadn't ever been able to understand people's obsession with the male/female dichotomy. "Your people sound like a very progressive type! Except for the killing. That's a bit uncouth."

[thebloodypoet.livejournal.com]

Ah, a woman after his own heart. ...With the lack of gender thing, of course. She could probably use a few improvements on her opinion of killing, but Spike supposed it might take some people time to embrace the act.

"Progressive, that's us, love." His smirk was nowhere near friendly, but he managed not to make it so condescending. Hey, points for the random chick about gender. "Next step up on the food chain, and all that."

Vote: Sparklypoo

[sada-chan.livejournal.com]

Oooo, scary. Only not. Sparklypoo.

Pffft, vampires.

[ominous-hum.livejournal.com]

"Okay, here's the sixty-four kilocred question: do you get paid for doing all that violence?"

[thebloodypoet.livejournal.com]

Spike snorted sharply, though he couldn't help eyeing up the creature in front of him. Looked a lot like Drusilla's pet Chaos Demon, it did. "Violence is its own reward, I always say. And stealing their wallets afterwards always helps."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"Hey now," Sirius said as he walked up to Spike, an amused smile on his face. "Ol' Minnie McG may be on the downward side of the hill, but I'd be willing to bet a whole vaultful of Galleons that she thinks about sex at least once every hour. Tartan tart, that one is!"

[thebloodypoet.livejournal.com]

It took a moment for Spike to realize exactly what this bloke was talking about - hey now, he couldn't be expected to remember in depth what he'd answered on the application - but when he did, he grimaced faintly. "Please don't tell me that you're talking about some old granny thinking about sex. I came here expecting witches, not gerontophiles."

[vbraithwaite.livejournal.com]

Virginia swaggered up to the guy. He reminded her of one of her bike buddies. Yes he appeared more, feminine. And the whole bad guy thing? Please, that ended in 1980.

"Nice hair" Virginia remarked, not even trying to hide the sarcasm.

[thebloodypoet.livejournal.com]

Ah, sarcasm. If Spike fell prey to that, he likely wouldn't have won a verbal confrontation since 1881. "Pity I'm not more sensitive about these things, otherwise I really would have been hurt," he congratulated mockingly.

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

Camilla read over the application thoughtfully. She'd met a few vampires by now, and each seemed to be a different type from the others.

Whatever this particular vampire could be called, he was not reticent.

She eyed him curiously, clear gray eyes unafraid. "Hello."

[thebloodypoet.livejournal.com]

"Aren't you a brave girl, facing up to the big bad vampire all confident and not running for your life," Spike said dryly, scowling slightly at the fact that he was clearly being studied. "I'd tell you to take a picture so it'll last longer, but apparently we don't photograph well, us demon types."

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

'Well,' declares the demon who's the exact copy of bloody halo-polisher Mel except for a nasty scar on her throat. 'I'd take you up on the walloping angle, but you already chatted to her. Pity. I mean, you looked very close to smacking her one...'

Maia bares her teeth in a friendly-for-her grin. 'It's nice to meet you, Spike. God knows this place has been crawling with do-gooders for too long.'

Well, it's been a few weeks since the last demon applied, in any case.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Another vampire, blah blah blah. At least you like some form of cheese. Are you the kind that has not known love for centuries, or have you gotten lucky at least a few times?"

[thebloodypoet.livejournal.com]

"Believe you me, my leather friend, I've been knowing love for centuries." Spike paused in his leering, and pursed his lips, shrugging casually. "Or at least as long as I've been dead. Just over a century, then."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Slytherin!