hh_mirror | Open Your Eyes: Closed RP (Sirius, Lily, and Harry)

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Current Location: The Popcorn Room
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Open Your Eyes: Closed RP (Sirius, Lily, and Harry)

((Backdated to the morning after Sirius and Lily discovered Voldemort was back and got into a massive fight over it. There's still a Harry-Sirius socking RP I need to do in which Harry and Sirius discuss the aftermath of the fight and generally have some good godfather-godson time, but for now that will have to wait. This RP comes after that.

Oh, and beware teh emoness. It burns!))

The only reason Sirius had slept well was his good friend Firewhisky. Lily had apparently lost her mind, and the upshot was that he was now kicked out of their suite and possibly broken up with. More importantly, it scared the hell out of him that Lily was out and about the castle by herself, being angry and rash and probably not particularly careful even though Voldemort could be anywhere. It was exactly the reason she had wanted to confine Harry to Slythendor, and yet she couldn't take the same advice for herself. And there was nothing he could do about it, because everything he had tried had only made things worse.

But the Firewhisky had been able to go only so far. Not wanting to drink in front of Harry, Sirius had started in on a bottle after the both of them had finally gone to bed, and even then, there was only so much he had allowed himself to drink, because he needed to be alert in case something happened to Harry or Lily.

Eventually, he managed to fall asleep, and when he woke up, the first thing he did was send an owl to Lily, because that would be quicker, easier (especially considering she had said she would lock him out of their suite), and hopefully less damaging to their relationship. The owl bore the following note:

----

Lily,

Are you all right? Harry and I are fine. We are both still in Slythendor. No sign of Voldemort.

~~Are we still~~

Please let me know that you're okay. I love you.

-Sirius

----

Unfortunately, the owl returned, bearing his note. Which was not a good sign. Now feeling quite frantic, Sirius made sure Harry would stick around Slythendor for a while (an idea that was not so thrilling to Harry, but that he acquiesced to, simply because he felt bad for Sirius after the mess of the night before, and anyway he didn't have a whole lot to do), and then he left Slytherin and went up the stairs and around the corner to the suite he shared (and hopefully still did share) with Lily to see if she was there.

His initial discovery sent flashes of red-hot panic across his flesh.

She hadn't locked him out as promised. Instead, the entire place was open; only the normal wards were up. He easily let himself in, only to find the place empty. Which, when put together, meant that she had never gone back to lock him out in the first place.

And Sirius bet he knew where she had gone. Because she had never really promised not to go looking for Voldemort. His fear turned ice cold and he began running through the corridors.

After he had searched out the entirety of two floors, he finally found her. She was sitting on the floor just across from the Popcorn Room, knees brought up to her chest and chin resting on them, and on her face a very strange, almost frightening sort of determined stare.

And there was a large piece of parchment in front of her. A piece of parchment he recognised very well, because he had made it years ago. It was the Marauder's Map, and the last person who had had it, as far as he knew, was James.

The other James.

Which meant that, unless he was missing something, she had gone up to Gryffindor to fetch it from him. Sirius didn't know whether that James was even around any more - he hadn't seen him for months, although he hadn't gone looking for him, either - but it didn't matter. The fact that she had gone up there and put herself in that sort of position, had taken that sort of risk, ignited Sirius's temper.

His initial flood of relief at seeing her alive evaporated within a second or two, and he asked sharply, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

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He knew it. So she couldn't be satisfied with doing one stupid thing; she had to make it a double. Why in Merlin's name would she go up there and put herself in a position to be berated and abused by that person again? If he had thought he was angry a moment before, that had been nothing.

"He's not James," Sirius snapped, because that was the easiest thing to focus his anger on, and then he bent down and snatched up the map, which made a dry, crumpling sound within his hand. "What is WRONG with you?" The seal was on the verge of breaking; the dykes were trembling and about to burst open. Sirius's heart was now pounding rapidly, and his fingers were shaking with frustration and rage as he held the map and looked blindly down at it. A couple of quick motions and he had roughly folded it up.

"What the HELL is WRONG with you, Lily?" He was now almost yelling. "Do you have a DEATH WISH? YOU WENT LOOKING FOR VOLDEMORT WHEN I ASKED YOU NOT TO, AND YOU WENT TO...TO HIS ROOM " - now he was talking about the other James " - WHEN YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD NEVER GO NEAR HIM AGAIN!" He paused, panting already. "GET UP!"

He really didn't mean to be ordering her around, but he was so angry that she would do this to herself - and to him and Harry and all the other people who cared about her - that he could barely contain his rage.

There was some part of Lily that responded to Sirius' outburst. Some piece of her that she had carefully locked away the second Harry had looked at her and told her it was too late. That she couldn't be his mother, that she had missed too much to make up for. But mostly Lily just felt numb. Frozen.

"That's his name," she said simply. Finally, though, just for a moment, her eyes left the door to look up at him. And they were empty - no fear or sadness or even anger. Just dull acceptance. "What do you want me to call him? He had the map. Anyway," her gaze went back to the door, "he wasn't there. I broke into the trunk and took it."

All of this was recited in the same flat tone. She couldn't let any emotion out. One emotion would lead to more and she wouldn't be able to bear up under the weight. "I don't care if I die." And that was heartbreakingly honest. "I have once. It's not that bad. I just want to end it."

That was her mantra. Over and over in her mind, that was her focus. To end it. "Go, if you don't like it. I'm doing what I have to do."

With that she shut down completely, going back to staring silently at the door.

Her impassivity only angered him further, and her stupid, stupid sudden lack of regard for her own life was the last straw.

"You might not care if you die, but I do," he growled vehemently through gritted teeth. "And so does your son." And that was all he had to say before he bent down and gripped one of her elbows and started tugging her up. This whole thing was fucking ridiculous, and if she planned to sit outside the Popcorn Room until Voldemort unpopped, came out, and killed her, she had another thing coming.

Without thinking, like it was second nature (and, perhaps, it was), Lily's wand was out and a hex cast almost before Sirius' fingers closed on her elbow. A sudden shield shot out, pushing Sirius away from her as Lily yanked her arm away.

"Don't touch me," she growled, a half-flash of life in her eyes. But then she curled back up on herself, still watching the damn door.

"It's too late." On that, the words voiced in a whisper, there may have been a slight crack. But it was gone as soon as it showed, shoved back away, nothing but cool neutrality apparent on Lily's face as she ignored Sirius again.

The hex pushed him off balance - he hadn't been prepared to counter it magically, as one doesn't usually approach one's girlfriend with the expectation that magical defences will be necessary - and he fell backwards, landing on his backside. There was an initial moment of shock, but his own experiences from his work in the Order and his years of living as a fugitive were never far from his mind, and so he quickly righted himself and then jumped to his feet.

"Fine, Lily." Now the words were just coming out of his mouth, not even going through his brain before they spilled out, fast and furious. "You want to stay here for the rest of your life? Be my fucking guest. You want me to get you a nice bed, or maybe a yoga mat, and you can spend the rest of your fucking life in front of this door waiting for something that may or may not happen?"

A chill so cold that Sirius actually shuddered suddenly ripped through his body. He had heard similar words before. About himself and James. He swallowed hard and continued, his voice now a low, sharp hiss, "You're a goddam hypocrite, Lily. Follow your own fucking advice and live your life. If you sit here in front of this door, I will not be there. Harry will not be there. And you will be alone and stupid. Is that what you want?"

"He will come back." For a moment, it seemed like that was all she was going to say. But then her eyes flicked up to him and the corners of her mouth trembled, just for a second, before she clenched her jaw so tightly it popped. "He will come back."

Lily took a quick breath, a tiny inhale, before she turned away. "You have no idea what you're talking about. You don't understand. So just leave, then, if that's what you want. I can't - " Her voice cut out then and Lily didn't even try to find the words for the rest of the sentence.

"I want my life back." Oh, Merlin, did she ever. Something horribly painful ripped through her voice as she held her wand in a white-knuckled hand. "Failing that, I want to kill him. I don't want anything else. Not now."

"Maybe you're the one who doesn't understand, Lily." Sirius's tone was far from gentle, and he was still speaking at a rapid-fire pace, no time to process what was coming out of his mouth. "Well, understand this: You sitting out here by yourself, staring at a room full of starchy kernels is not a life. If you want me and if you want your son, and all your friends, and your job and your pets and all the things you managed to accrue over the past year of your second chance, you need to get up and stop acting like you're the only person who can save the world."

That reminded Sirius of something. If anyone was a match for Voldemort, it was Dumbledore, and before Harry had gone to bed and Sirius had started in on the Firewhisky, Harry had owled Dumbledore, who had instructed them to stay calm and told them that he would reconvene the Order immediately. Dumbledore hadn't been there last time. And while Sirius didn't necessarily think of him as this infallible, mighty godlike man, he did greatly respect his skills of a wizard. There was no denying his powerful grasp of magic and his knowledge of Voldemort. He had made his mistakes - Sirius knew that very well - but he had been a formidable leader overall. And Lily needed that reminder.

"Harry owled Dumbledore last night. And he did not say in his return owl that you are to hunt Voldemort down. He did say he would reconvene the Order, and maybe that's not necessary now that Voldemort is popped again - I don't know - but the point is that you are not helping anyone by sitting here like this. And you're not going to kill him, Lily. HE WILL KILL YOU. Do you understand this? Stop being stupid and get UP."

"Fucking lot of good the Order did us last time," Lily spat. That woke her up and she turned eyes hot with anger towards Sirius. "Where was the Order when Voldemort walked in my door and ended everything? Where were you? Where was Dumbledore? Huh, Sirius? Oh, wait. I remember. Not there. None of you."

The bitterness in her tone - a bitterness she'd kept bottled away for over a year - was blatant. "I listened as he murdered my husband. I stood and faced him. Alone. And I made my choice, Sirius. And I destroyed him. I did. And I will fucking do it again."

For a moment her gaze held him. Then, quiet and vehement, she hissed, "And I don't care if I have to die to do it. I will kill him. I will end this. I will not have my son be used as a pawn. I'm too late for anything else but this. Fine. But I am not moving. So fuck off. You have NO IDEA. NONE. SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCK THE HELL RIGHT OFF."

Again she stared before wrenching her eyes away, the lump in her throat burning. "I don't want the things. If you don't see... If you can't see..." She shook her head, once, and pressed her lips into a thin line. Shouting wasn't going to help. He just needed to leave.

He waited until she finished, and then he said in a low, cold, and obviously hurt, voice, "You know very well where I was when you and James were killed. And why I wasn't with you. And where I went after that." Her words had slapped him in the face, hard, dredging up that last bit of guilt he would always carry about having suggested that Peter be the Secret-Keeper instead. But he had sorted things out enough to know that it was ludicrous to blame the entire Order, as well as Dumbledore personally, for what had happened. Sometimes the good guys didn't win. Sometimes they couldn't. And wars had many battles. Some were won, and some were lost.

And while he had made a stupid choice, the overall outcome was not his fault.

He was done here. If she wanted to be an idiot and sit in the middle of the hall staring at an empty doorway, she could go right ahead. He would go back to the life he had built for himself. Back to his godson. And if she decided to join him at some point, she could. Right now, he was through.

He gave her one last, long look, the grey of his irises stone cold, and, without another word, turned and strode rapidly down the hall, away from her and the newly engraved name on that plaque, the name that kept ripping his life apart even after its bearer was no longer around.

Again, that part of her that wasn't numb was screaming at Sirius. Was beating down at the wall Lily had built around it. Was breaking.

But she couldn't let that part out. Because if she did, it would overrun everything. And all those little shattered pieces would pierce through her control, and it would be over. She would break down; and Lily simply could not allow that. Now she wasn't being strong for Sirius or Harry or anyone else. She was forcing herself to maintain the stony resolve for herself; which meant she lost even the tiny oasis of reprieve she'd previously had. There was nowhere to hide and allow herself to be less than whole.

"I know," she admitted quietly. But she didn't look at Sirius. Could not look at him. "That's why I can't leave."

Because Voldemort could take it all back. She knew that - why couldn't Sirius understand? All the things she had now she could lose, in a moment, in a breath, so long as there was a chance Voldemort might return. And she couldn't go back and pretend that she had forever anymore. Not when it was all this fragile illusion.

She was steady. She was sure. She was resolved. She was impassive. Staring at the door, wand out, Lily waited.

She was going to end this.

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Open Your Eyes: Closed RP (Sirius, Lily, and Harry)

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