Castiel flinched in the face of Dean's anger, and set the bottle down on the table with a quiet thunk. "I was under orders, yes. I hadn't yet...been shamed into disobeying."
He couldn't look at either of them. "The ways that Heaven has of inflicting pain...there are no words in any human language," he said tonelessly. "Zachariah never scrupled at employing any of them. But that wasn't what..." He rubbed at his face, wishing he could erase these memories so he'd neither have to relive nor recount them. He'd returned from that 're-education' broken in more than one sense, and nothing that had followed had made things any easier.
"It wasn't how he--broke me. I'd already decided to cast my lot with you and he knew it. So he--he held Jimmy and his family over my head." His mouth thinned into a bitter line. "Made me listen as the man begged me to keep my promise. To protect the people he loved. Zachariah wouldn't free me to answer. He would have left them all to the demons if I hadn't sworn to obey."
Dean had broken the first seal, and Sam the last, with no clear idea what they were really doing. Cas had understood all too well the consequences of his actions, and he'd not only withheld an important truth from them, he'd allowed them both to believe all this time that their culpability for Lucifer's release was greater than it was. He was just as much to blame.
"I preserved my vessel and his family and kept my word, in exchange for...everything else. Maybe it wasn't technically a Seal, but for practical purposes, it might just as well have been number sixty-five and a half." The sixty-sixth could not have been broken if not for his act of treachery.
They both had every good reason to be angry. He wasn't even trying to defend himself; only to give them the whole truth at last, so he could stop feeling that he'd been taken into their family under false pretenses.
"I've wanted to tell you for a long time. I was ashamed, and afraid," he concluded, voice hollow. The thought of what Dean would say to all this was terrifying, but there was also a certain relief. Whatever happened now, at least his conscience was finally clear. "I need a bigger word than 'sorry' and...I haven't got one."
no subject
He couldn't look at either of them. "The ways that Heaven has of inflicting pain...there are no words in any human language," he said tonelessly. "Zachariah never scrupled at employing any of them. But that wasn't what..." He rubbed at his face, wishing he could erase these memories so he'd neither have to relive nor recount them. He'd returned from that 're-education' broken in more than one sense, and nothing that had followed had made things any easier.
"It wasn't how he--broke me. I'd already decided to cast my lot with you and he knew it. So he--he held Jimmy and his family over my head." His mouth thinned into a bitter line. "Made me listen as the man begged me to keep my promise. To protect the people he loved. Zachariah wouldn't free me to answer. He would have left them all to the demons if I hadn't sworn to obey."
Dean had broken the first seal, and Sam the last, with no clear idea what they were really doing. Cas had understood all too well the consequences of his actions, and he'd not only withheld an important truth from them, he'd allowed them both to believe all this time that their culpability for Lucifer's release was greater than it was. He was just as much to blame.
"I preserved my vessel and his family and kept my word, in exchange for...everything else. Maybe it wasn't technically a Seal, but for practical purposes, it might just as well have been number sixty-five and a half." The sixty-sixth could not have been broken if not for his act of treachery.
They both had every good reason to be angry. He wasn't even trying to defend himself; only to give them the whole truth at last, so he could stop feeling that he'd been taken into their family under false pretenses.
"I've wanted to tell you for a long time. I was ashamed, and afraid," he concluded, voice hollow. The thought of what Dean would say to all this was terrifying, but there was also a certain relief. Whatever happened now, at least his conscience was finally clear. "I need a bigger word than 'sorry' and...I haven't got one."