hh_mirror | Owl to the Doctors

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Owl to the Doctors

After her computer posts with "Carl Norman" Rose hurried back to her dormitory in a rage. The cool air calmed her, however, and she decided to do another thing first. She hurried to the owlery and quickly copied out two identical notes.

Doctor - There's this bloke called Carl Norman, and he's saying he's another Time Lord. He's mad as hell and sick and evil, and is there something we should do? ~~And can you just tell me the whole story about the Time War? I really need to know~~

~~Love,~~ Rose

After a few seconds of deliberation and crossing-out, she sent them off, and then returned to the room to sulk and rage by herself.

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Oh something was going to be done all right. He'd make sure of that.

His hands tightened around hers when she asked about the war. It would be so easy to smile and nod and move on and not tell her the awful truth. But he owed her more than that, and he was never good at lying to her.

"What did he tell you?" he asked, his face a mask of agony.

If she asked, he would tell her, he would tell her everything, even if it meant that she would run away. Rose was strong, stronger than anyone he knew, but hearing about the war, about what he had to do, might be too much even for her.

"He said it was your fault, that you were the one who destroyed your home planet. But that's not right, is it? It was the Daleks, right? Or - I bet he was the one that did it, and now he's trying to make you take the blame!"

His hearts constricted painfully in his chest. She had so much faith in him, it never even occured to her that the Master was right. Rose had a magnificent heart, but he was sure that even she couldn't forgive what he had done. How do you love someone responsible for destruction on such a massive scale?

"I'm so sorry, Rose. Everything he told you was true," he said hollowly.

"After the fall of Arcadia, the Time Lords were less like themselves. They were unreasoning and warlike, all that mattered was victory. After more losses, it was victory, no matter the cost. Rassilion's Ultimate Sanction," his voice became bitter. "The great and noble Time Lords, who protected the universe and all of time were ready to sacrifice all of it for the sake of victory. They were going to burn all of time, the entire universe in order to destroy the Daleks."

He looked up at her, his eyes overbright with tears. "I had to stop them, Rose. They had no right to burn the whole universe out of existence. But they wouldn't listen. No one would listen. I took control of the Monument and..." he drew in a shaky breath.
"I shouldn't have survived. I was ready to die with them. I wanted to die with them."

Rose fell silent, feeling rather adrift. The Doctor was a good person, she knew that, and it seemed as though he'd had the right intentions - she was very glad that the entire universe had not been destroyed. But still... The idea that the Doctor was the one responsible for the destruction he had seemed so heartbroken over had shook her. And then there was a third voice, quieter than the others, that suggested maybe destroying an entire army of Daleks was only a little better

"Thank you for telling me," she said at last. "It must be hard for you to talk about. I'm sorry for prying."

"I'm really glad you didn't die," she added quietly.

He was confused. She wasn't pulling her hands free, or recoiling from him in horror, or even calling him a killer. When he was able to speak, the Doctor shook his head. "No, you don't have to apologize. I should have told you sooner, Rose. But I was afraid you'd want me to take you home. I didn't want you to go, I was being selfish and stubborn and I'm so sorry."

She gave him a decidedly sad smile. "It's alright. I mean, maybe it was for the best. You did the right thing, I suppose, given the choices, I suppose, but... It's easier when it's just Daleks, isn't it?" And though she didn't mean to, she couldn't stop herself saying, "I thought part of the point was, there were always other options."

It was such a terribly human thing. To give a small comfort with one hand, then to leave you raw and hurting with the other. The force of her words staggered him as much as any physical blow.

He looked at her mournfully. "No. It wasn't all right. I tried, Rose. I fought so hard. I talked, I threatened, I begged, I screamed.. and it was all for nothing. I had to end it. I couldn't let the whole of creation get dragged into the war and lost forever."

"I can't ask you to understand. It's too much, and I won't tell you all of it. There are some things that should stay buried," he tried giving her an affectionate smile and started for the door. His hands were shaking, he was shaking all over. He had to get out of there. He couldn't breathe..

She looked him straight in the eye. "I'm really glad you told me, Doctor. It means a lot to me." Feeling impulsive, she flung her arms around him in a quick hug, but withdrew almost as quickly. She could tell he wanted to go. "You don't have to stay here. I'll be fine, don't worry about me."

He would not fall apart in front of her.
Forcibly, he tamped down the memories of the war and smiled wanly. "I know, Rose. You're the only other one who knows what happened. I'm.. glad it was you."

He hesitated at the door and reached for her hand again. "He was my best friend and my greatest enemy. Please be careful. I'd be lost without you, Rose Tyler." In a similarly impulsive manner, he raised her hand and brushed his lips across the inside of her wrist.

She blushed; she definitely hadn't been expecting that. "I will. And the same for you, too."

His smile was a little more real this time. "You know, we never did make it Barcelona. We should do that."

His hands were a bit steadier this time as he opened the door.

As she watched him go, her smile, while still a little sad, was far brighter, and more than a little determined. "Oh, we definitely should."

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Owl to the Doctors

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