Application for the Scout: Team Fortress 2

[scouts-dishonor.livejournal.com]

"Yo, what's up with this?"

A gangly guy carrying a baseball bat stumbled into the sorting room. He looked like he was on his way to practice, except for the headset over his baseball cap.

"Anybody want to tell me what's going on here?"

His accent placed him firmly from Boston. However, instead of "pahking the cah in Hahvad Yahd," he'd be more likely to beat somebody over the head for the keys, take the cah for a joyride, then sell it for parts.



"Aww, man, it's like those questionnaire-thingies," he said when he saw the application. "I-- hey look! Hey look!" he shouted to nobody when he saw that the quill was writing down his words. "It's writin' down what I'm saying. It's writin' it down! What's with this?" He waved his arms excitedly. In fact, he hadn't stopped moving the whole time he'd been in the room.

Just to test it out, he let loose with a string of curses, which the quill dutifully copied.

"This is awesome! Now I don't have to get no writer's hand cramp thing."

State your full name.
"Everybody calls me Scout, but what's it to you?"

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Cheese? I'll tell you what's good cheese. Cheese I can get into my mouth, that's what. Yeah, you better believe I ain't picky. You got yellow cheese, white cheese, even the funky blue cheese. It's all good to me."

Scout was actually unfamiliar with bleu cheese, and was picturing electric blue cheese that had to be colored by an unholy fusion of food coloring and radiation.

"You got seven brothers, you just eat what you can grab. I don't care if it's got, like, hair on it. I'm gonna eat it. It's my cheese. I'm gonna eat it before any of you other bastards can get your hands on it."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Scout was from a kinder, gentler time, before "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family" and 1-800-COLLECT commercials had ruined the universe.

"Yeah, man, I don't know who these guys are. Are they causin' trouble? I got no problem with trouble. I got no problem with people causin' it, either, but I can take care of that for you. You wanna tell me what's in it for me, and I'll tell you who I'll whack first."

3. What time is it where you are?
"Time for the Red Sox to win the goddamn World Series." Again, a kinder, gentler time.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" He waved his hands around. "This ain't about my mother, is it?"

He shuffled though the papers, and even looked under the table for incriminating photos of his mom and the RED spy.

"I'd sexually harass the hot ones, if you know what I mean. I ain't got no trouble with the ladies."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Man, I drink it straight from the bottle. Now, if I can call my bar 'Get Your Goddamn Lips Off My Booze, Dumbass' then I might have a bar. Are we clear?"

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and I don't give a shit about two guys gettin' it on. Babe Ruth said so, or something."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"You ain't got no paperwork, cause I'm taking it off your desk! Yeah, that's right! I got your briefcase! So what're you gonna do about it, huh? Cry? Yeah, go on, cry! I got your inundated paperwork!"

Somebody should explain to him that 'inundated' was not a synonym for 'top-secret.'

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
"Do you know who I am? Do you. Know. Who. I. Am? Do you know? Huh?"

The quill, obviously, did not.

"I am like your worst nightmare. I am here to OWN your ass! You see this?" He flexed his nonexistent muscles. "These guns are here to blow you away. I'm so awesome, people would be telling stories about me to their children, but they can't! They're DEAD! I killed 'em all!"

Scout started to twirl his bat. "So I'm hittin' these guys, and I'm like, 'BONK!' and they're like, 'I'm dead! You killed me!' and I'm like, 'You'd better believe it, chucklenuts,' and they're like, 'You're awesome!' Except they're dead! I'm so awesome, people would be coming back from the dead to tell me how cool I am, except Jesus doesn't let them cause then there'd be no dead people."

"So that's how, like, not useless I am. I keep Heaven and Hell full."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

"How about I not tell you to kiss my ass, huh? That ain't a threat, it's an offer. I got a nice ass. Lots of people would kiss it. I just ain't gonna make you."

I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. "Whatever."
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. "Ha! You wish."
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. "Do I have to repeat myself here? Besides, I ain't got no knickers. My briefs are none of your business."
One day, marmalade will rule the world. "Man, if you say so."
((ETA: Technically this is BLU Scout, but I needed more icons. Any help changing the red shirt to blue would be appreciated.))