Whack job,

I'm pretty sure I'm not sleeping with your betrothed. Even if I was inexplicably attracted to whoever this person is, I still wouldn't touch them for fear of having you somehow rub off on me.

I was implying that your mattress is filled with horrible creepy-crawlies that will wait until you least expect it and lay their eggs under your skin. You'll come crying to me to find out what horrible plague has befallen you, and I'll point and laugh.

Dr. Jack Hodgins