http://petyr-baelish.livejournal.com/ ([identity profile] petyr-baelish.livejournal.com) wrote in [community profile] hh_mirror2007-08-10 10:56 am

Application: Petyr Baelish (A.K.A. Littlefinger), A Song of Ice and Fire

((Littlefinger's motives for coming to Hogwarts stolen from Camilla. Thanks!))

A short man with grey-green eyes and a goatee strolled leisurely through the Great Hall to the head table. His elegant silk blue cloak with its silver mockingbird clasp was caked with mud, but he was smiling. "I should really have a talk with that Thoros," he drawled. "His directions were awful." He gave a low bow. "My name's Petyr Baelish, though you can call me Littlefinger. I was informed I might find what I'm looking for here."

At that, his expression darkened. "You see, all my life, I've dreamed of one thing," he said, "something that keeps me awake at nights, inflamed with passion, longing to feel her sweet, sweet lips upon my own as I run my fingers through her silky auburn hair, and that thing is...uh, magic." He coughed. "Yes, that's it. Magic. It's a nearly dead art where I'm from, you see, so I'm eager to study it at Hogwarts. Archaic magical lore is all so fascinating."

He gave his best I'm-totally-not-up-to-something look. It hurt his face; those muscles had atrophied from disuse years ago.

Meanwhile, he scanned the room to acquaint himself with his new surroundings. The floating chandeliers, the four long tables, the ceiling bewitched to look like the night sky--all were as his informers had described them. His upper lip curled at the large hat waiting for him on the stool. "Oh, do I have to put that dirty old thing on my head? Charming. Well, I'd best get on with it."  

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"One of my favourite dishes is rich Lyseni fondue, served with honey and cantaloupe and washed down with a fruity 277 Arbor Gold. Just as long as it's not too melted. I like to keep my hands clean."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

"I've seen that thing you call television here, and it's moronic--when I want to be entertained, I'll send for Moon Boy. My answer is both. First, I'd frame Carrot Top for the murders of people close to Barney. Then I'd charm my way into Barney's good graces, only to betray him to Carrot Top at an opportune moment. All this would sow enmity between the cast of Barney and the saps looking for a cheap way to call collect, leading to a war that would ravage the continent. And finally, after years of circuitous planning, manipulation, deceit, backstabbing, and fondling Baby Bop, I'd end up King of Westeros and Azor Ahai reborn--"

He paused. "Wait a minute. No one else can hear these answers, right?"

3. What time is it where you are?

"Well, if I were in Westeros right now, it would be the middle of fall. I hope to finish my business here within a year or two. This way, I can get back to the Eyrie in time to fondle check on Sansa before winter makes the roads difficult to travel."

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Petyr scowled, thinking he really needed to find better informers in this land. He'd done his research, of course, and that barman at the Leaky Cauldron had told him about the Order of the Phoenix, but even Littlefinger couldn't be expected to know everyone who'd joined it in the past twenty years. "My sweetling Cat is the only woman I can imagining harassing, other than her daughter," he answered. "But if, gods forbid, I were Dumbledore and limited to someone in the Order...well, I don't suppose there are any beautiful dead redheads there? Preferably the kind that could inspire undying love in creepy childhood friends?" Even as he asked, he knew the odds were low.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"Probably The Mockingbird. I don't forget my roots."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

"Well, since they're called 'Fred and George' and not the other way around, I presume Fred's the older twin, right? He'd come before George in line for the Weasley inheritance. All it would take to make him Arthur's heir are a few unfortunate accidents involving his older brothers and well-placed crossbow quarrels. So Fred's the wiser choice."

He stroked his goatee. "Mind you, if Harry has an unhealthy, decades-old obsession with George (in which case, far be it from me to judge him!), I suppose he could marry Fred, shove him off a cliff once he inherits, and blame it on Ron. Harry's new title as Lord of the Burrow would facilitate a marriage to George."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"I put those papers there. It was a distraction to make you forget about the fifty thousand gold dragons I owe you."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

"Well, as Master of the Coin on the king's small council, I increased the Crown's revenue tenfold. Also, my Catelyn blowup dolls can vouch for the skillful things I can do with my tongue."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

At the mention of the word "bribe," Littlefinger's ears perked up. "My favourite part! I would offer those who'd vote for me ten thousand gold dragons, a position as Keeper of the Gates of the Moon, and the hand of my beautiful Catelyn surrogate bastard daughter. Of course, they'd get their throats slit first, but those fools don't have to know that..."

Littlefinger stopped in mid-sentence, suddenly wary. "Wait a minute. Who am I bribing? I thought no one else could hear these..."

He turned his head and saw the students gaping open-mouthed at him. "Damn."

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. --PB.
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. --PB.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. --PB
One day, marmalade will rule the world (as a figurehead, while I control everything behind the scenes). --PB"

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